Dr3amc@tch3r

Got Nook?

2009-12-08T23:24:00.010-05:00

After much fanfare, I've finally received my Barnes & Noble "Nook" digital reader - the much-anticipated, potential "Kindle-Killer". But does it live up to the hype?

The short answer: potentially. But as-is, newly released and fresh out of the box...it's a strong competitor, not yet a killer.

The Unboxing
Right off, I have to mention the surprising quality of the packaging. The Kindle came in a sturdy, decorative box; the Sony, in a practical, sleek but utilitarian package. The Nook, by contrast, comes packaged in a hard acrylic case that I've generally only seen on the shelves of people who collect memorabilia - baseballs, rare coins, 70's cartoon action figures. I felt tentative opening it, afraid of breaking anything - including the packaging. In short I felt like I was unveiling something expensive and special.

Removing it from it's protective microenvironment I was immediately struck by the weight and solidity of the reader. The original Kindle 1 was a hollow, plastic-feeling device that imparted a sense of fragility; it was a big reason why I chose the Sony, which had a good heft and a metal casing. It screamed "durability", and the Nook manages to convey a similar sensation while still maintaining a sleekness missing in the other two competitors.

In size, the Nook falls somewhere between the Sony and the Kindle 2. It's coloring and lines are strongly suggestive of the K2, but the lack of a physical keyboard gives the illusion that the eInk screen is larger; in fact it is, but only by an inch diagonally.

Unlike the Big 2 other readers, the Nook has two separate screens - the main eInk display which is identical to other devices, and a new LCD touchscreen strip below it. This LCD strip serves as the navigation menu for the device. The default options are: The Daily, My Library, Shop, Reading Now, and Settings.

Registering the Nook was easy. I already had an account on B&N's website, and my credit card was already set up for purchases; I'd bought a few books to download once the Nook arrived. Clicking the Settings icon brought the basic info about the device onto the eInk screen - my name, available memory, battery charge, etc. The menu bar changed to reflect options where I could make changes; clicking Device allowed me to Edit my Profile or Register the Nook. Registration only required me to enter my account email and password, using the LCD keyboard provided. Done, submit...and a second later, I'm fully registered with my web account.

[Side note: the default setting for the LCD screen's brightness is at 50%, but I found it incredibly distracting set against the passive grey, unbacklit display of the eInk screen. I dialed it down to a much more comfortable 20% brightness, which doesn't distract me from the reading experience so much.]

There is a black bar separating the two screens, and on this is a small iconic "n" - the logo of the Nook, which here also serves as a home key to return you back to the main menu. I found I needed to tap this space more than once in order for it to work; I'm not sure if the area needs more sensitivity to react faster/more accurately, or if it's a failing of the construction. Keep this in mind, because it will be a recurring theme throughout the menus.

Jumping over to My Library brings me to...my Library. Which you would think is non-existent, but B&N gifts you with 4 free books to get you going: Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austen, Dracula by Bram Stoker, Little Women by Louisa Alcott and Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell.

And yes, color me unexcited.

But whatever, they're free - and it gives me the chance to see how the ebooks themselves come across.

Scrolling up and down through your menu choices (they display on the larger eInk screen) is done via the smaller LCD screen; arrows for up and down, as well as an enter/submit button, is displayed along with other choices: Search, Show Covers, Sort, Hide, etc. all dealing with how the information in your library is displayed. Choosing to view the book will bring up...yet another selection of menu choices.

On the big screen, an overview of the book is displayed along with a rating (if rated). On the LCD is an image of the book cover and choices to Read the book, View Details (publication info,file size) about the book, and to Lend the book. More on that later.

Tapping Read...well, it brings the book to the eInk display. Using page turn buttons (back and forth) which are nicely located on either side of the device lets you flip through the book. You can also use the LCD touch screen to turn the page, flicking/dragging your finger quickly away from the page you want to turn (it's the same motion you would use, were you flipping the page of a real book). This motion can take a full second to turn the page; it doesn't sound like a lot, but when you're actually reading a digital book a second is a long time to wait for a page to turn. Using the page turn buttons is slightly faster, but I feel obligated to point out that both the Sony and Amazon readers are noticeably faster in this regards. It may simply be a software update is needed to correct this; Amazon recently sped up the reaction time of it's K2 with an update.

Also: some tech reviewers have noted an annoyance with the "formatting" that takes place when you first open a book, citing it as a negative - and it can be frustrating to wait the agonizingly long 4-7 seconds it takes for the reader to load and format the book you've chosen. Sony and Kindle users are used to this, I would have expected the reviewers to have been as well.

The eInk screen is as to be expected; great contrast, sharply defined characters. Even the images, although black and white, are surprisingly vivid for a non-LCD display. Here it stand equal to the Kindle and above the Sony - the Sony fails only because their touchscreen overlay, while making the device fun and simple to use, creates a blindingly annoying glare and reduces the contrast level between the pale grey background and the black lettering. The result makes the Sony seem less sharp and clear, despite using the exact same underlying technology (note: their non-touch versions do not have this limitation.)

The LCD menu gives you the option to Search for specific keywords (the keyboard will be displayed), create a bookmark, go to a specific point (more on this), highlight and take notes on a page, look up a word, change the font (you have two choices, helvetica neue and Amasis) and change the font size (5 options from Extra Small to Extra Large.)

I have to voice a slight disappointment with the Go To feature; I expected to be able to go to a specific page in a book. As it stands, you're only able to jump to the Cover, the furthest read point (?), or specific chapters. I'd like the ability to enter a specific page and have it jump to there, a simple request I think.

Also, beware of over-navigating the LCD while reading the book. If you should happen to accidently move back to the main menu on the navigation screen, it will take you OUT of the book you're reading to display the main screen info. It's also very easy to do this, as - at least the way I tend to hold the device - my thumb hovers in an empty space between the forward page turn button on the left, and the LCD screen edge where the "back to main menu" arrow happens to sit. While the LCD screen is dark this should not pose a problem, and I've changed the settings on my LCD to fade to black after 10 seconds of inactivity - but until I made that change I found myself "closing" the book far too often.

Tapping the Nook "home" button (3 tries, it took) sent me to the main menu where it was time to check out the Shop icon. The bookstore display is simple, breaking down your categories for browsing by eBooks, magazines, newspapers, bestsellers, new relesaes, recommendations, NYTimes bestsellers, and "top 100" lists. There is also a Special Offers and Articles section, where you'll see promotional items (such as a suggestion to download the True Blood ebooks as a group.)

Their magazine and newspaper selections are very limited, but I expect these lists to grow with time. PC Magazine, the Washington Post, the LA Times, Harvard Business Review...very stodgy but respected periodicals. 3 newspapers and 7 magazines in all.

Prices for the ebooks are comparable to what you'll find on Amazon; $9.99 for new hardcover releases has become the industry standard, with prices for others just above or just below that range. Most older books are in the $5.99 range, and of course there are selections of free books as well.

Using the LCD screen you can choose to Show Covers, Search for a specific title by typing it in, or - and this I especially like - bring up your personal eWish list from your B&N online account, and download/purchase a book you've tagged as interesting. I did this prior to receiving the Nook, and was pleased to find all of my selections available for easy download on my device.

Under New Releases I choose Michael Crichton's "Pirate Latitudes", which is listed at $9.99 (List price for hardcover is $21.99). It has 123 ratings, giving it 3 out of 5 stars. There is a summary overview displayed of the book, and my touchscreen options allow me to buy it, get a free sample, view the book details, or add it to my eWish list. There is also an image of the book cover on display.

I'm all about the free stuff, so chose the option; it asked me to confirm, I did...and 4 seconds later, it confirmed that my book is being downloaded. I click the Nook home icon (only 2 taps!), choose My Library...it updates, and voila! There's my free 15-page sample sitting and waiting.

I wanted to test out the Lending option, so I called up a friend and asked her to help. She was kind enough (thanks, Nel!) to download the B&N reader application for her iPhone; while she did this, I jumped over to my Settings and added her email address in my Contacts section.

Once I had confirmation that she'd set up her account, I opened my purchased copy of S.M. Stirling's "Dies the Fire" to the overview, and selected "Lend" from the options on the touchscreen. It brought up my Contacts list - I only had the one person; I selected her, it asked me to confirm, and zoom! it was being sent to her iphone. On My Library list it showed an icon indicating the book is On Loan, and I no longer have the option to Read it - the same as if I'd physically lent her the book. In 14 days, or I guess until she's done with it and returns it somehow, it will unlock for me and remove itself from her library.

Wanting to test this further, I tried lending another book to a different friend - and was told by the Nook that it was unable to comply with my request. I suspect, but I can't say for sure right now, that I'm only able to lend out one book at a time regardless of whether it's the same person or not.

The Nook is marketed noting it's expandability using an SD card expansion slot, and on first inspection I had to wonder where they managed to hide the slot. The answer is much worse - this is taken directly from the user guide, which I read online at B&N's website:

To insert a microSD card:
1 Press the power button for about 5 seconds, until your nook turns off. Your nook must be fully off, not just asleep, to insert a microSD card.
2 Remove the back cover.
3 Place your nook on a flat surface with the open back facing up and the top away from you.
4 Unlock the metal cover by inserting a fingernail in the slot in the middle of the cover (shown in the drawing above as a gray line) and pushing the cover toward the top of your nook. The metal cover only moves about 1/16th of an inch.
5 A rounded, cut-out area below the cover allows you to insert a fingernail to lift the cover. With your fingernail, lift up on the bottom edge of the metal cover, until the cover points up. In the space for the microSD card, you see eight contacts toward the top of the holder (near the hinge).
6 With the contacts on the microSD card facing down and lined up with the contacts in the holder (the thicker base toward you and the notch to the right), drop the microSD card into place. You might need to move it around a bit. It should fit snuggly.
7 With a finger, close the metal cover until it lies flat.
If the cover does not close easily, do not force it. Doing so will damage the microSD card holder. Instead, ensure that the microSD card is correctly positioned (contacts facing down and the notch to the right and flat and snug in the holder), and then try again.
8 Lock the metal cover by inserting a fingernail in the slot in the middle of the cover and pushing the cover toward the bottom of your nook. The metal cover only moves about 1/16th of an inch.
9 Replace the back cover. Full instructions for this are given in “Attaching the Back Cover” on page 25.
10 Power on your nook.

Yeah...not exactly the user-friendly experience I'm used to on my Sony (they have 2 slots along the edge of their device. Insert card, done.) I don't expect many to bother going to this much trouble; unless I'm adding a 32g card to expand from the 2g of onboard storage, it's way too much effort just to add more books.

The B&N bookstore uses the ePub format, which is rapidly becoming the non-Amazon industry standard. It IS still a DRM format, so despite Sony and B&N using the same format - you can't read one on the other device.

The Nook will also read PDF and PDB files and...well, that's it, no other document file types right now, which is a bit of a disappointment - again, given the wide range of formats available to be used on the Sony devices (LRF, TXT, RTF, epub, PDF) but I'm keeping my fingers cross that this will change in the near future. The device can be read as a storage device by your computer, allowing you to move documents from your PC to your Nook (store them in the My Documents folder, which you can access from the Nook via My Library and, in the LCD menu choices, My Documents.) There is also software via third parties which will convert documents from, say, RTF to ePub - as I did last night with some personal notes I had, and can now view on my Nook. Unfortunately you can't Share these documents, which I think would be a nice feature - but I suppose it's simple enough, since these documents are DRM-free, to email them to a friend rather than loading them onto your Nook and then sending them via the device.

I would like to see a method of loading documents onto my online B&N account, letting me download them remotely via the Nook, rather than having to use it as a USB storage device directly. It'd be an incredibly handy feature for someone like me who often reads personal documents on his digital reader.

I took the device to a nearby brick-and-mortar B&N, wanting to test the free wi-fi option. When I powered on the device it immediately seemed to recognize I was in a B&N store - it greeted me with a welcome message, and a small BN icon appeared at the top of my device screen. I did not, unfortunately, have enough time to figure out what additional content may have been available in the store - but it was nice seeing that the Nook itself becomes self-aware that you're in a store, and presumably will make such content readily available. I recall early on in the pre-reviews that there will be exclusives only available in-store via the Nook, and that you'll be able to read entire books for free while in the store itself (again, via the Nook.) I'll have to test this as more stores/the B&N network becomes more Nook-friendly.

So overall: do I love the Nook? No, but there's some serious like going on here. It has it's flaws - slower response times, less document format choices, a slightly awkward menu system, and a horrific method for adding a memory card. But it's a solid device, and with the Android OS running it the incredible potential for constant updates and, just as importantly...application programs, makes it a great buy.

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When Stupid People Attack

2009-08-14T14:55:00.004-04:00

A friend was on a "people suck" vent-fest earlier today, and it reminded me that I haven't put up a Darwin Awards for a while. Soooo...here's to you, Angel!

What are the Darwin Awards? Named in honor of Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, the Darwin Awards commemorate those who stupidity is so great, they improve our gene pool...by removing themselves from it.

Here are some of this year's nominees:

(16 July 2008, Italy) Gerhard, 68, was queued at a traffic light in his Porsche Cayenne sportscar. Before one reaches the light, there is a railroad crossing, and Gerhard had not let the queue progress forward far enough before he drove onto the tracks. As you might imagine, given Murphy's Law, a train was coming.

The safety bars came down, leaving the Porsche trapped on the rails. According to witnesses, it took the driver awhile to realize he was stuck. Finally he jumped from the car and started to run--straight toward the oncoming train, waving his arms in an attempt to save his sportscar!

The attempt was partly successful. The car received less damage than its owner, who landed 30 meters away. Attempts to revive him were unsuccessful.

(2 February 2008, New York) A 50-year-old man was bird hunting in Upstate New York with his buddies and his faithful canine companion. They stopped for a smoke, and his dog found a deer leg bone!

The man tried to take the bone away, but like any right thinking dog, the animal would not relinquish its treasure. He stayed just out of reach. Frustrated with this blatant show of disobedience, the man grabbed his loaded shotgun by the muzzle and began wielding it like a club. Each time he swung it, the dog dodged.

Suddenly the "club" struck the ground and fired, shooting the man in the abdomen. He was airlifted to a nearby hospital, where he died from his injuries. He did remain conscious long enough to confirm this account to police; otherwise, his poor friends might now be under suspicion!

At least he didn't hit the dog.

(13 January 2008, Florida) Wearing only swim trunks and sneakers, a 37-year-old man raced his motorcycle toward the Manasota Key drawbridge. As the bridge began to open, it was clear that he intended to "shoot the gap." Bridge designers had anticipated such lunacy and invented the crossing guard. The closing gates swept him off his Suzuki, over the side of the bridge, into the water, and out of the gene pool.

The motorcycle, however, continued up the ramp and made it across to the other side.

(January 2008, Pennsylvania) A 23-year-old man with various body piercings decided to have some fun at work. He wondered, "What it would feel like to connect the electronic control tester to my chest piercings?" Several coworkers tried to convince him that it was a bad idea to wire himself up to the electronic device, but he ignored their pleas.

He proceeded to connect two alligator clips to his metal nipple piercings, one on each side, and hit the test button... His coworkers were still trying to revive him with CPR and rescue breathing when police and rescue personnel arrived.

They were not successful.

(14 April 2008, Texas) A contract worker was hired to install reinforcement bars on a communications tower near Camp Bullis. He was wielding power tools high above the ground, when two other workers saw him lean back and fall 225 feet to his death. Turns out, the man had loosened the bolts on the bar to which he was attached.

Police are calling it a tragic accident. Between fits of laughter.

The ambulance responded to a frantic call concerning a neighbor's trip through an industrial tree shredder. It seems the individual had decided to prune his own trees, rather than hire a professional. Why not? After all, the local shop rented shredders that could make quick work of yard debris, including tree limbs up to 8 inches in diameter.

To save time (those fateful words) the neighbor had placed the shredder at the base of a great oak tree, where he could drop branches directly into the hopper. He intended to cut off the top third of the oak, since it had been killed by lightning.

With the shredder running wide open, the neighbor climbed his ladder to the first tree branch, stepped off the ladder, slipped, and fell. The paramedics found him very dead, half in and half out of the shredder's hopper, one leg shredded to the hip.

Not married, no kids, removed self from the gene pool.

An enterprising lumberman had felled a large tree, and needed to haul it up a steep embankment. So he jacked up the rear end of his pickup and swapped one of the rear tires for a bare rim. He attached one end of a rope to the rim, and the other end of the rope to the felled tree. He put the pickup into gear, expecting the rim to act as a makeshift rope crank that would pull the tree up the embankment, saving him lots of sweat.

A great idea? Not if you're reading it here! You see, the tree vastly outweighed the truck. The man was standing with one foot on the ground and the other foot on the accelerator. When he gunned the engine, the tree acted like an anchor, and the truck yanked itself backwards. The open door rammed into him, and he was swept over the embankment along with the pickup.

When the dust settled, our lumberman had entered the great beyond. But his escapade served as a warning to others. The next lumberman cut up the tree where it lay, and carried it off.

[I had to add this: the early bird may catch the worm, but it's the 2nd mouse who gets the cheese!]

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Get the Point?

2009-06-15T12:35:00.002-04:00

I realize, as a society of caring adults, we occasionaly will come up with ideas that we deem "innovative" in the name of social responsibility and public safety. However, there are times when we break through the second wall, and enter a realm which shall be heretofore known as Absolute Stupidity.

Across the great pond, a British designer has come up with a kitchen knife designed to "make it more difficult to stab someone", because as we know most stabbings take place in the average household kitchen.

The knife has a rounded edge instead of a sharp one, with a little hook/groove designed to SNAG ON CLOTHING OR SKIN, making it that much harder to penetrate.

More interestingly was this little tidbit from the designer, John Cornock:

“It can never be a totally safe knife, but the idea is you can’t inflict a fatal wound. Nobody could just grab one out of the kitchen drawer and kill someone”, and "will reduce the risk of accidental injuries."

Just. Can't. Inflict. A. Fatal. Wound.

John. Johnny boy. Jim-bo. Unless this magic blade of yours is blunted like a butter knife...what's to stop me from taking your wonderful invention and just slicing across someone's neck like it's a head of cabbage?

It's a fucking knife, you English twit. It's SHARP. Reduce the risk of accidental injuries? Have you ever actually cooked in a kitchen? Who the FUCK cuts themselves accidently with the pointed tip? The only "accidental" injuries I've ever had, or seen, are done with...wait for it...

The goddamned BLADE.

Jeezus H. Christ, this is such an incredibly dumb concept that it'll probably make this fool millions.

Understand, I'm not knocking the rounded tip; it actually makes more of a design sense, and I can see the safety of it. But the little hook, to prevent it going in deeper? Come on...just SAYING that, makes me want to test it! I can see hundreds of psychopaths right now, rushing out to buy this gadget just to prove this fool wrong!

I can see the note left for the police now:

"Tell Cornack I said to go back to the drawing board. Keeps a nice edge, tho'."

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Newsflash: Amazonian Chutzpah

2009-05-07T12:13:00.003-04:00

Apparently when I suggested yesterday that Amazon might be shooting itself in the foot, I wasn't far off the mark. The Dallas Morning News is reporting to the US Senate that "the best deal Amazon will give the Dallas Morning News>—and we’ve negotiated this up to the last two weeks—they want 70 percent of the subscriptions revenue. I get 30 percent, they get 70 percent. On top of that they have said we get the right to republish your intellectual property to any portable device. Now is that a business model that is going to work for newspapers? I get 30 percent and they get the right to license my content to any portable device—not just ones made by Amazon? That, to me, is not a model. Maybe what Plastic Logic comes up with or what Hearst comes up with, might provide a good model but today Kindles are less than 1 percent penetration in the U.S. market. They’re not a platform that’s going to save newspapers in the near term.”

The subject came up during the U.S. Senate subcommittee hearing on the future of newspapers. Dallas Morning News Publisher and CEO James Moroney spoke up after Arianna Huffington raved about the Kindle DX's potential as an option.

Personally, I see this as both bad for both Amazon and the newspaper industry. The latter, because frankly they're an archaic dinosaur that needs to find a new way to grasp technology and new users; the former, because they're letting greed override judgement. Someone with better marketing sense (read: Sony or, as a dark horse, Apple) needs to slide into this gap and take advantage of the situation, quickly - or ebooks will die from this negative taint.

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Is Amazon Killing the Kindle?

2009-05-06T12:13:00.002-04:00

Let's face it: ebooks, and more specifically digital book readers, are an incredibly niche market. Most people out there have little to no interest in them, because it's hard to fathom paying $250 or more for a device that does little more than display books.

Sure there are legitimate reasons why the technology is both expensive and limited, and those of us who have expressed a real interest in these devices understand and accept these reasons. However, for the average consumer - it just isn't good enough.

So with that in mind, is Amazon - unquestionably the market leader in this field - destroying it's own chances, in the mind of the general populace?

Amazon today introduced the third in it's Kindle line of digital book readers, the Kindle DX (for "deluxe").
The DX boasts a larger screen (9.7", over the K1 and K2's 6" screen), larger internal memory (4G to the K1/2's 2G), auto-rotatable between landscape and portrait, and a larger footprint (roughly 7"x10"). And, finally (for Kindle users, anyway), native PDF support.

So what, exactly, is the problem I see here?

1) Amazon just released the Kindle 2 a few months ago. Their users have been crying for native PDF support, and after spending $370 for the K2 Amazon releases a new device, just a few short months later, with that very feature. For $489. Not cool, Amazon.

2) The appeal of the digital book readers - at least in my view - is it's portability. My Sony Reader fits comfortably in the pocket of my trenchcoat, which makes it easy for me to bring on my morning and evening commute to and from work. The K1 and K2, while slightly larger than the Sony models, both offer similar portability; my girlfriend carries her K2 in her purse. The KDX, by contrast, isn't designed for the average consumer; it's footprint is considerably larger, more in line with a standard letter-sized paper or notebook. You'd need to carry a briefcase, or backpack, to bring it with you.

And therein is where they market the device. This is being pushed at both the student market, and the newspaper crowd. The question is, will either really be interested in this device, at all?

I can absolutely see the initial appeal as a student. A single Kindle can carry the entire textbook load of that student's college life; never again would you need to lug around 40-50lbs of books between classes, when you can carry them all embedded on this singular device. That alone is a considerable bonus.

But is it enough? As a student, I was constantly making notes in the margins of my books, flagging pages for later review - and flipping back and forth between chapters, to refresh mental notes. The Kindle has limited capabilities to do this; will that sensation of "slowness" be a turnoff for a student?

Let's also talk about the resale value of a textbook. Every student I've ever known, has managed to recoup at least SOME of the cost of textbooks by reselling them at the end of each semester. With Amazon's DRM'd format, will this even be possible anymore? Judging by the price of ebooks now (and this is not limited to Amazon's ebook store), there is only a small discount (if any) from the price of a printed book; if that carries over to textbooks, will the cost of a nearly $500 ebook reader (etextbook reader?) be worth the cost, if the cost of electronic textbooks is not significantly lower?

That leaves the newspaper crowd, and this...boggles my mind. The KDX is being marketed as being able to display electronics newspapers in a more newspaper-like fashion, and the NYTimes has reduced its subscription cost from the $14.99 a month price to $9.99 on the Kindle - with, rumored, a 2yr obligation.

Here's my question, for the newspapers: why would I pay for something I can now read, online, for free?

Every single newspaper I read has updated their websites with RSS feeds. Thanks to aftermarket software, I can download those RSS feeds onto my digital reader and read, for free, the sections of the newspapers that most interest me.

For free.

So why would I want a large, unwieldy device to do this at an extra cost?

I understand that this is a hail mary pass by the newspaper industry, trying to find a way to bring the populace back to their pages. Newspaper readership is dying, and each year it gets worse as the new generations adapt to new technologies. In this green world we're living in, the idea of a daily paper seems wasteful when you can get the same news online.

For free.

Lastly: Amazon, very quietly, recently announced they were raising the cost of their personal document conversion service. In order to get, say, a PDF document onto a Kindle you have to email it to this service, which would then convert the document into a Kindle-friendly format and send it wirelessly to your device. This service used to cost a single dime, $.10 cents, regardless of the size of your document.

Now, that same service is raised to 15 cents - and that's 15 cents PER MEGABYTE, rounded up to the next megabyte. Which means the same document you used to send could now cost you as much as 50 cents to convert - small change, but a considerable price increase.

I honestly don't know what Amazon is thinking here. On one hand, yes their push into the student/textbook market makes a certain amount of sense - IF textbook publishers were already on board. Which they aren't. So Amazon is having a Field of Dreams moment; if they build it, they will come. They're marketing it as a newspaper reading device, but the reality is they're hoping the academic publishers will see the benefits of it and flock to digitize their textbooks - because that's where the real money will come from.

In the meantime, I'm waiting for Sony to announce their own wireless, touchscreen, Wacom-assisted next-generation reader with open-ended document support. And yes, I will be upgrading to it - while shaking my head at Amazon's self-destruction.

Did I mention I can download newsfeeds...for free?

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Attack, Or Just Another Case of Robot Love?

2009-04-28T10:53:00.004-04:00

You may recall from a little while back, I'd written about a robot who trapped a lab assistant for hours because it loved her and didn't want her to leave.

This is only the beginning, folks. The apocalypse is near. The day of the robots is upon us! Where's John Conner when you need him?!

From a Swedish newspaper:

"A company must pay fines of 25,000 kronar because it has been deemed responsible for the [robot attack].
"I have never heard of a robot who beat a man in this way," said prosecutor Leif Johansson.

In June 2007, a man who is employed at a factory in Bålsta north of Stockholm took a look at a malfunctioning robotized machine. The machine was used for lifting heavy stones. When the man went into the building he thought that he had cut the power to the machine but he had not. Instead, the robot was activated and forcibly grabbed the man's head. He managed to defend himself, but received serious injuries on the body.

"The man was very lucky. He had four broken ribs and was almost killed," said Leif Johansson."

A few things here.

1. A fine of 25,000 kronar?! Seriously folks, that's like $3000 in US dollars. A robot went nuts on company property and damn near killed a man, and they only got fined three grand. I'm starting a business up in Sweden, because I'll be saving a bundle just on the insurance I won't need to buy.

2. I'm obviously missing something, because how does this industrial robot, made for picking up large rocks (and....doing what, exactly, with them? Play marbles?) GRABBED HIS HEAD. And he had four broken RIBS. The last time I looked, my ribs were not located anyplace remotely close to my skull. So unless they're breeding some seriously freakish mutants in Sweden, this is pretty damn fishy.

3. Forgetting the anatomy lesson, I'm still confused; so what if the power was on. What would prompt the robot to "suddenly" activate on its own accord, to grab the man at all? Had he been rolling around in mud all afternoon, and the robot assumed it was a man-shaped boulder? What is the robot supposed to do with the rocks anyway?

I'm thinking...this man is a bot molester. This poor, sickly robot was taken to him for care and maintenance...and he tried to abuse it, thinking it sedated. The robot woke up, saw the perverted things being done to it (I'll let you use your own imagination) and reacted appropriately - which is why the courts gave such a paltry fine to the company. The man had to agree to the cheap payoff, or risk everyone knowing:

He's a robot fucker.

(video embedded)

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Parenting License Not Included

2009-04-15T11:56:00.005-04:00

There are times when I truly believe some people should have to take an exam before they're allowed to have children.

Or at least, to have children AND technology.

A Colorado dad decided to give his 13-yr old daughter a cell phone. Okay, I know some of you out there do it, and some of you have responsible kids (and are responsible parents), so it works. But in general, I'm of the firm belief that most 13yr olds do not need a phone. What possible use, other than calling Mom or Dad, would it serve? But I digress.

So Daddykins - a Gregg Christofferson, and since his name was published in the Denver Post I'm happy to reprint it here - bought said family plan WITHOUT A TEXT MESSAGING PLAN. Because, I assume, they don't text each other so why would they need it? He later claims he assumed that meant the option was disabled on the phone.

Sure he did.

Fast forward, about a month. Daddy opens his Verizon bill and discovers they owe: $4,765.25

You see, 13yr old Dena was ESTATIC to get her new phone. And had to text her friends, "OMG luk i gt iphon r0xx0rs!"

To the tune, over the course of the month, to over 10,000 messages sent. And about the same incoming.

Dena, as it happens, went on this texting frenzy mainly during school hours - which works out to roughly 300 messages a day, every day, for a month.

It goes without saying, of course, that her grades plummeted from A's and B's, to F's.

So Daddy - and I love this part - TOOK A HAMMER TO HIS DAUGHTER'S PHONE. Because it's the phone's fault. Of course.

Which, in my eyes, means he's now also out the cost of a new phone - because a man who doesn't think saying no to a texting plan means it can't be used, probably also doesn't think he needs the phone insurance either.

And because this is America, of course the Christoffersens are asking school administrators at Johnson Junior High School to crack down on cellphone use during school.

Because it's the school's fault. Of course.

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Whatever Happened To Just Say No?

2009-04-15T11:33:00.005-04:00

Sometimes, you come across an item that you really want to say "April Fool!" to, and walk away from.

Getting a kid to sit in a dentist's chair, I guess, is a task far too complex and herculean for the average doc. Some manufacturer, sensing a potential gold mine here, came up with a product that absolutely boggles the mind.

Called the Pedisedate, this wonderful device is made to hook up to both a Gameboy, and a tank of nitrous oxide - so an unsuspecting Junior or Missy can play Pokemon while they fall into a blissful anesthetic state.

I particularly like the concept triangle on the ad of "Comfort, Distraction, and Sedation".

A few questions:
- will there be Xbox and Playstation versions, or is this only for portables?
- can we get a PSP version in black?
- what about a bluetooth/wireless version?

I have to wonder, what are the psychological ramifications of using a Game Boy to lull your child into sleep...and when they awaken, they not only discover that the Nintendo was used to sucker them - but they were violated while unconcious at the same time? Is the ultimate idea to evoke some negative Pavlovian response to Game Boy? "No mommy no, not the Nintendo, I'll be good I promise!"

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When We're Enslaved in the Future, This Will Be Why

2009-04-06T15:25:00.002-04:00

Is it me, or are Japanese robots getting creepier and creepier?

This Powder-like apparation with the "I'm going to kill you in your sleep" eyes is named CB2, aka "Child Robot with Biomimetic Body", which to me would be CRBB - but then I guess a kid-bot named CRaBB isn't very appealing. And if it's being created by the Japanese, why would it have an English name? Will it have blond hair too? Be proud of your heritage, Eido-ans! Dammit.

Anyway. So Cree-pio here (cue: star wars reference) is yet another learning bot, specifically designed to think like a human infant and read facial expressions, reacting accordingly. It also has "197 film-like pressure sensors under its light grey rubbery skin, (and) can also recognise human touch, such as stroking of its head".

"The robot can record emotional expressions using eye-cameras, then memorise and match them with physical sensations, and cluster them on its circuit boards, said creator Minoru Asada.

The professor, also a member of the Japanese Society of Baby Science, said his team has made progress on other fronts since first presenting CB2 to the world in 2007.

In the two years since then, he said, CB2 has taught itself how to walk with the aid of a human and can now move its body through a room quite smoothly, using 51 "muscles" driven by air pressure."

So: it walks, it can read your facial expression, and react accordingly. Now...I might be off base here...but this looks uncannily like a child version of:
Am I wrong? Well? Remember I said this, when you're tossed out a high-rise window in the near future! On your way down you'll be thinking "oh shit...he was riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight*splat*"

Why do we keep making robots LOOK more human? I don't want a doppleganger roaming around! Let my robot look like a monkey. Or an alien. Or...I dunno...a goddamn ROBOT! Do you seriously think I want to come home, wasted out of my gourd from a night's drinking with the boys, and see THIS creepy boy-bot sitting in a chair waiting around for me because my bratty kid didn't tuck it away in his toybox?

"You're home late, Dave..."

Hey, boy-toy. I got an facial expression you can read, right'ere!

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When Snuggies Attack

2009-03-31T13:35:00.003-04:00

As if the horrific Snuggie, the mutated backwards robe-blanket, wasn't enough...now they're peddling this Baby Bjorn-like version for new moms.

Dubbed the Peekaru (peekaboo? pikachu?), this garment? sling? will ensure that your child will be emotionally scarred from a very, very young age. Imagine the happy family at the older child's baseball game, watching from the bleachers all warm and cozy in their bright, neon-colored Snuggies...and Junior, tucked away against his mother's stomach grinning like a madman from his hidey-hole.

Am I the only one who sees this, and is reminded of the creatures emerging from a torso in the movie Aliens?

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The Elephant In The Room

2009-03-30T20:24:00.005-04:00

Once upon a time, there lived six blind men in a village. One day the villagers told them, "Hey, there is an elephant in the village today."

They had no idea what an elephant is. They decided, "Even though we would not be able to see it, let us go and feel it anyway." All of them went where the elephant was. Everyone of them touched the elephant.

"Hey, the elephant is a pillar," said the first man who touched his leg.

"Oh, no! it is like a rope," said the second man who touched the tail.

"Oh, no! it is like a thick branch of a tree," said the third man who touched the trunk of the elephant.

"It is like a big hand fan" said the fourth man who touched the ear of the elephant.

"It is like a huge wall," said the fifth man who touched the belly of the elephant.

"It is like a solid pipe," Said the sixth man who touched the tusk of the elephant.

They began to argue about the elephant and everyone of them insisted that he was right. It looked like they were getting agitated. A wise man was passing by and he saw this. He stopped and asked them, "What is the matter?" They said, "We cannot agree to what the elephant is like." Each one of them told what he thought the elephant was like. The wise man calmly explained to them, "All of you are right. The reason every one of you is telling it differently because each one of you touched the different part of the elephant. So, actually the elephant has all those features what you all said."

The natural ending to this parable is that everyone walks away happy, having gained a much greater understanding of what, exactly, an elephant is - by looking at it from the viewpoints of other people. They each "saw" it differently, but the whole - in this case - is much greater than the sum of its parts. It's meant to teach us that, in order to better understand a problem, we must and should look at it from different sides. Far too often, there isn't just a single viewpoint; look at a subject in various ways, and you gain a greater understanding, and perhaps connection, with that thing.

The obvious use of this story is as a metaphor for religion. God (or Yahweh, or Allah, or Buddha, or Wakantanka, or Luna) is that elephant in the room; everyone has an opinion on it, and everyone who does have an opinion thinks that the ear, or leg, or trunk that they're holding is the Alpha and the Omega of how that elephant should be defined.

Someone very near and dear to me is going through a personal crisis of faith. She's being pulled between two worlds, each of somewhat differing views of what her faith should be. Or rather, who her faith should be in. It's my happy role to help guide her onto a path that she feels comfortable with, and if the path I help her blaze happens to take from two different trails...does it matter, if in the end she's reaching the right destination?

I ask, because there is someone else - and the whom, of this, isn't important - who has a completely different opinion of this. To him, there is only one yellow brick road to Oz; there is no deviation from it, and any other road - whether or not that road runs parallel or not - only leads to a dark, dark place. Obviously this person plays an influencing role in my friend's life, and is using that influence to denounce any other way of thought.

Why are some people so focused on the light ahead, they're completely blinded to what they're doing to the people around them?

I take personal umbrage with the idea that the afterlife of the enlightened is this...exclusive club, with a velvet rope outside. And if you aren't a member of this ecclesiastical elite, no matter the person you are inside...you won't get into the club. Instead you'll be damned, and sent to the furnaces.

Because you didn't kiss someone's ring.

I've been called Anti-Christian by some, and I disagree with that description. I have little or no problem with the Christian faith itself; I do, however, have considerable issues with the institution of Christianity, and the ideologies they invoke among their followers. Some of their followers. I have...concerns, about a faith system that encourages converting other people to their way of thinking, even considering it a virtue if not a requirement - and condemns those who do not focus on the elephants leg.

But I'm not here to complain, or argue, about the Church of the Apostles.

My friend is a Christian, and has no desire to...expel herself from the Christian faith. She does follow Christ as her Lord and Savior, and despite my personal views I have no desire to dissuade her from that.

However. That system is at odds with an ever-growing fire inside of her, that perhaps the way of the church she's followed for so long...isn't enough. That there's a more natural way of the world that she feels, deep inside her heart, isn't being nurtured. She's out of balance because of it, because she's felt an emptiness inside that, despite her best efforts, the ways of her belief system hasn't been able to fill.

A feminine principle. A Yin, to Christianity's Yang.

There are vast similarities of the rites of Christianity, to the old rituals of various pagan belief systems; none of these similiarities were happy coincidences, but were carefully orchestrated by those in power, in order to incorporate EXISTING BELIEF SYSTEMS to more easily help people accept the Christian faith. However, unlike most other belief systems Christianity (and the entire Judeo-Christian ideology) rejects the feminine ideal, relegating the role of the Yin - the Goddess - to an afterthought.

I mention this, because there are many others out there who, like this friend, have felt this emptiness and have discovered their inner balance by co-embracing certain pagan beliefs, intertwining them with their Christian faith.

Christopagans, they're called. Or Christian Wiccans, depending on what you read.

They said to Him: "Shall we then, being children, enter the Kingdom?" Jesus said to them: "When you make the two one, and when you make the inner as the outer and the outer as the inner and the above as the below, and when you make the male and the female into a single one, then you shall enter the kingdom."
- the Gospel of Thomas

Christianity is the New Testament of the Bible, and the New Testament...is incomplete. The Gnostic Gospels - the Apocrypha - are unknown to most Christians, because they were rejected in most cases by those in power, as being too controversial or obscure to be included within the canonical Bible.

It's fascinating that among these texts are various references to disagreements between the Biblical Peter and Mary Magdalene, conventionally thought to be little more than a holy groupie; some, however, believe she was in fact closer to an apostle in status, and perhaps because of this disagreement by Peter (incidently, the actual "founder" of "Christianity" as we know it) the role of women in the teachings of Christ were purposefully downplayed. The Gospel of Thomas, the Gospel of Mary, the Pistus Sophia and the Coptic Gospel of the Egyptians all strongly hint at this - and perhaps more importantly, the existance of the Holy Mother as the third figure in the triumvate (replaced in conventional speech as the Holy Spirit).

During Christ's time, there existed in the kabbalastic texts reference to the Holy Spirit as Wisdom; in Greek, Sophos...or Sophia. This Divine Mother was worshipped by the early Christians as the Womb of Life, with the dove as her emissary.

So why, then, is a blending of the feminine principle - now best exemplified by the Wiccan traditions - with the uber-masculine ideologies of Christianity, a BAD thing?

I'll stop now, before I get preachy. This was really intended as a way for me to vent, and a way for a friend to see that perhaps her budding views are not so alien to her traditional beliefs.

And just maybe someone else will see this and begin to question whether his views are maybe - just maybe - more rigid and less accepting/inclusive than he'd like to believe.

Just a thought.

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Ebooks (vol. 4): Epilogue

2009-03-26T11:02:00.002-04:00

Time to round off this series. I've outlined what the technology is, listed the various types of digital readers available, and pointed to places online where you can download ebooks. So what's left?

My own opinion, of course.

The Amazon Kindle is, right now, the undisputed king of the digital jungle. It wasn't the first, but like the iPod it simplified the process. Amazon linking their device to their own online bookstore, and plastering KindleKindleKindle all over their front page, was pure marketing genius.

However.

The original Kindle was as ugly as an 8-track tape. All things being equal otherwise, with the other options available to me there was just no way I could walk around with that monstrosity and admit I paid nearly $400 for it in 2008. It looked like a plastic toy from 1988.

The K2 is sleeker by far, and a bit more modern in styling. But it still doesn't match the overall heft and design of the Sony digital readers. This is a device I'll be carrying around in public a lot - and I do get asked questions about it, constantly. I want a certain wow factor because of how it looks, not just for what it is. The Kindle is more recognizable, certainly - that doesn't make it a better design.

But what about functionality, you cry. It's hard to ignore the wireless network provided on the Kindle; being able to download a new book, on the fly...that's a pretty damned nice feature.

And I wholeheartedly agree. But is it really all that necessary? How often am I outside in a park, and suddenly thinking...I HAVE to get a copy of this book, right now! In a coffee shop reading, and suddenly have an overwhelming urge to download some new titles?

The wireless feature is handy for people who...well, who aren't computer jockeys. They don't spend much time at all on their computers, maybe they're constantly on the go, and need a feature like that.

Provided, of course, they're not travelling outside of the continental U.S. Because the network doesn't work outside of the States. Nor can you buy Kindles outside of the United States, or use a non-U.S. credit card to buy books for it...

My Sony Reader plugs in, downloads any books I have queued to sync, and I'm ready to go. Often I'll browse the Sony ebookstore on my lunch hour online, looking for books I'd like; I'll add most to a wishlist for later, and actually purchase a few for downloading. I can either do it right then, or wait until I get home - where the ebook will be downloaded onto my PC, where I can ALSO read it if I so choose (the Kindle - can't do this).

That wireless browsing also significantly cuts into your battery life.

So you really have to ask yourself whether you need to pay an extra $100 for wireless access to an electronic bookstore from your device.

I'm also not a fan of Amazon's proprietary format model. You're pretty much limited to direct-download two formats, both of which Amazon owns. You can use their email service to send and convert documents in a few other formats, but the device itself isn't designed to handle those formats.

By contrast - and to me, in a very surprising move - Sony has a much more open-ended format model. They do of course have their own proprietary .lrf format, but their device can also view documents in .txt, .rtf, .pdf, and more importantly - .epub.

Why is the latter so important? Because .epub is the format the publishing world as a whole is adopting as their standard. In the near future, this is the format you'll see more ebooks being available as...and if your device can't read it, you'll be behind the curve.

The only other device on the market that even remotely interests me is the iLiad reader. It has a design reminiscent of the Sony, and that Wacom touch screen makes me want to drool. Unfortunately it doesn't support as many formats, and I can't bring myself to buy tech that I can't physically hold in my hands and test before purchasing. I wouldn't be able to tell you where you could buy an iLiad, except for getting one online - which is a flaw, in my eyes, of the Kindle as well. The Sony is available in the Sony Style stores as well as Borders Bookstores, J&R Music here in NY, WalMart, B&H Video...it's accessible.

So there it is. Good luck, I hope this was all helpful.

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Ebooks (addendum): Samsung Joins In

2009-03-25T12:33:00.004-04:00

Samsung is to launch a touchscreen ebook reader to take on the Amazon Kindle.

The new model called Papyrus will launch in Korea in June with the aim to eventually launch in the UK and US.

A5 in size, the model, which will come in a range of colours, will feature a stylus for touching the screen and 512MB of on-board memory for storing content. There is no SD card slot.

Aside from being able to let you read the latest digital versions of your favourite books, the model will also double up as a notetaker, world clock, diary, memo taker, calculator, and contacts making a truly modern day Filofax.

Pricing has yet to be confirmed, but it seems Samsung is being very aggressive, with a $299 price point if and when it makes it out of Korea. The price point would make it $60 cheaper than the Amazon Kindle, although it will lack EV-DO connectivity.

Interesting, except there's no detail on actual specs, and what document formats it would support. We'll see if this becomes a viable competitor, or just B-level device.

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Discovery Channel Files Against Amazon Kindle

2009-03-24T23:11:00.003-04:00

I don't know how I managed to miss this last week, but apparently Discovery Communications has filed suit against Amazon, claiming that the Kindle(s) infringe on a patent they have on digital security on a device that can deliver electronic books:

Kindle Sparks Patent Suit by Discovery
By Kim Hart
Washington Post Staff Writer
Wednesday, March 18, 2009; Page D04

Discovery Communications sued Amazon.com yesterday, accusing the e-commerce giant of infringing its patent for electronic book technology with the Kindle reader.

Discovery, based in Silver Spring, said Amazon's two versions of the Kindle, as well as its online services related to the e-reader, violate a patent that the media company and founder John Hendricks received in November 2007, the same month Amazon released the first version of Kindle. The patent deals with encryption technology for distributing digital publications.

"The Kindle and Kindle 2 are important and popular content delivery systems," said Discovery general counsel Joseph A. LaSala. "We believe they infringe our intellectual property rights, and that we are entitled to fair compensation. Our tradition as an inventive company has produced considerable intellectual property assets for our shareholders, and today's infringement litigation is part of our effort to protect and defend those assets."

An Amazon spokesman did not respond to requests for comment.

Discovery is best known for its channel on cable television, and is not seen as an Amazon competitor. But Discovery and Hendricks have been "significant players in the development of digital content and delivery services in the 1990s," the company said in a statement.

"Hendricks' work included inventions of a secure, encrypted system for the selection, transmission and sale of electronic books." He filed for a patent in 1999.

A Discovery spokesman said the company has not developed e-reader technology using the patent. In the suit filed in U.S. District Court in Delaware, Discovery is seeking compensation from Amazon for using the patent, not an injunction to prevent it from selling Kindle.

Amazon's Kindle got attention after its release as a possible replacement for paper-based reading, and its sequel, released last month, won praise for more user-friendly features. But Amazon has been criticized by publishers who say it is trying to avoid paying royalties related to its text-to-speech feature and by consumers who are frustrated that Kindle-ready books are locked to the device with software restrictions. The portable Kindle, which costs about $360, connects wirelessly to Amazon's Web site, where books can be purchased.

The Discovery spokesman declined to say whether the company planned to sue other e-reader makers, such as Sony.

More and more, I'm happy with my decision to go with the Sony. We'll see how this plays out.

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Ebooks (Vol. 3.a): Google Jumps Into the Fray

2009-03-19T10:34:00.002-04:00

This isn't exactly an atomic bomb attack by Sony against Amazon, but it's definitely a precision missile strike. People like numbers, and being able to tell people their library has over 600,000 books - compared to Amazon's 250,000 - is a major selling point. Combine that with Sony's device being able to handle more formats that Amazon...

...now if only Sony could figure out how to ADVERTISE their device better.

NY Times

Sony Reaches Deal to Share in Google’s E-Book Library
Published: March 18, 2009

SAN FRANCISCO — Aiming to outdo Amazon.com and recapture the crown for the most digital titles in an e-book library, Sony is announcing Thursday a deal with Google to make a half million copyright-free books available for its Reader device, a rival to the Amazon Kindle.

Since 2004, Google has scanned about seven million books from major university and research library collections. For now, however, Google can make full digital copies available only of books whose copyrights have expired.

The books available to Reader owners were written before 1923 and include classics like “A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court,” by Mark Twain, and “The Awakening,” by Kate Chopin, as well as harder-to-find titles like “The Letters of Jane Austen.”

“We have focused our efforts on offering an open platform and making it easy to find as much content as possible, and our partnership with Google is another step in that direction,” said Steve Haber, president of the digital reading business division of Sony Electronics. “We would love to continue working with Google to see how we can get more content for Reader owners.”

The companies did not disclose financial terms of the deal.

Sony is hoping that the partnership and its newly expanded library help slow some of the Kindle’s momentum. Amazon currently has 250,000 books in its Kindle library, but it stresses that they are the books people are most interested in reading, like new releases and best sellers.

Jeffrey P. Bezos, Amazon’s chief executive, has said that works in the public domain, like those Google is making available to Sony, are easy to get since there are no copyrights attached.

Google has been working to encode books in a free, open electronic publishing format, ePub, which makes them easier to read on devices like the Reader. The company is aiming to gradually increase the number of copyright-free books in the Google Book Search catalog available to Sony and any other e-book distributor that shares its goals of making books more accessible.

Google is displaying only short snippets on its Web site of books that remain under copyright protection, which are the vast majority of the books it has scanned. Under a sweeping settlement of a class-action lawsuit brought by authors and publishers, which has yet to be approved by a judge, Google would have more freedom to sell copies and split the proceeds with rights holders.

A new "store" was added to the Sony library software, effective 9 p.m. Pacific Time yesterday. It will let Sony Reader owners download the 500,000 public domain e-books to their libraries, and their Readers, at no charge. And non-Reader owners, including Kindle owners with the right conversion software for ePub, can also benefit. This is only a part of Google’s library of 1.5 million books, but Google is working to add the rest of the books to this program. Google and Sony did not give a time frame for completion of this project.

This program is part of Sony’s commitment to an open platform, as opposed to the closed platform of its major competitor. The ePub conversion is being done by Google itself, as noted; and Sony and Google are exploring ways to make copyrighted ePub material available.

Sony also will be working with libraries to make the commercial ePub material available in the public library’s typical time limited format for copyrighted material. This is nothing new, it is being done today in conjunction with Overdrive, but Sony would like to make this library interaction easier, perhaps even making it part of the Sony store. No time frame has been set for this.

Sony has also indicated support for the Mac, and said that a Mac version of the store would be forthcoming.

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Ebooks (Vol. 3): I Know Which Device, but Where to Find eBooks?

2009-03-17T18:27:00.006-04:00

So, I've talked about why you might want a digital book reader, and gave examples of readers on the market for you to choose from. Now: where can you go to actually GET ebooks for the reader?

First, I need to make something extremely clear: you will NOT find every book you want in an ebook format. Ebooks have been slow to catch on, especially with bookstores (brick and mortar, AND online) and publishers. Some authors, like Stephen King, have come out strongly in favor of ebooks; others, like J.K. Rowling, have explicitly denied any chance of their books coming out in ebook form.

Also. Ebooks can be free. Some of them. But most aren't. You won't find your latest volume in the Twilight series for free, but you'll likely find them in several formats across various ebooks stores and libraries. Don't expect to always get fantastic discounts for not buying paper, either; I've seen modern releases discounted for as little as 5% off the paper price. On the other hand, I've also seen as high as 70% off the paper price, especially if the ebookstore is pushing a particular author/genre/series. If your reader can support multiple formats...shop around, you might find a better price someplace else.

Classic literature is usually the least expensive to find, and are often the ones you'll find for free. At most, you'll see them being sold for maybe $4, perhaps as little as $1. Buy generic, unless you feel you need to pay more.

Now, I would like to say that certain truths are self evident: that all ebook stores are created equal. That all digital readers are endowed by their creators with comparable digital rights, that among these are PDF, PUB, and DOC files.

But alas, true believers, this isn't the case at all.

Ebooks come in all shapes and sizes, depending on where you find them. And, most importantly: not every reader, can read every format.

Yes, my friends, it's true. We're back to the format wars, only now it's the realm of digital books.

Right now ebooks can be found across the web in the following file formats: HTML, PDF, DOC, TXT, RTF, LIT, PDB, PRC, MOB, EPUB, PPT, DJVU, CHM, WOLF, LRF, and AZW.

Holy ridiculous variety, Batman!

Knowing what formats are available on what reader you choose is very, very important; you don't want to find yourself stuck with a reader that is only good for reading PDF documents, and then you're unable to find a library/bookstore where you can get books you want in that format.

Of course, ve haff vays uff circumventing that...but I'll talk about that later.

Here's a list of the largest repositories of ebooks; there are a lot more than these out there, and you can feel free to Google your little hearts out. These are simply the bigguns, the Borders/Waterstones/Barnes & Nobles of the ebook world, and in some cases - the only place you can go. Read on, McDuff.

1. Amazon
http://www.amazon.com/kindle-store-ebooks-newspapers-blogs/b?ie=UTF8&node=133141011
Gee, what a surprise to find them here, right? Amazon is probably the biggest online retailer for books, and you shouldn't be surprised that they also have the largest ebook library at over 245,000 titles for sale. Unfortunately there is a catch: Amazon's ebooks only come in Amazon's proprietary .azw format. Annnnnnnnnd now, for the grand prize...can you guess which device is the only device able to read this format? Yes, you guessed it: the Kindle. It's the Apple iTunes model - build the largest library, build the only device that supports it, lock people into a sales loop. And good luck circumventing their format, because the Kindle ebookstore doesn't download to your desktop - it wirelessly syncs to your Amazon/Kindle account, and sends your books directly to your registered device.

2. Mobipocket
http://www.mobipocket.com
Mobi has been selling ebooks since 2000, well before there were dedicated reader to use them on. They were originally designed for PDAs, the predecessor to today's Smartphones - so were well ahead of the curve when the digital reader revolution began. Their library has over 120,000 titles in the .mob and .prc format...and were bought by Amazon in 2005. Which goes at least half the distance to explaining why Amazon has such a large ebook library, compared to others in the market.

3. Sony Ebook Store
http://ebook.sony.com
Poor Sony. They were the first big name on the ebook reader scene with their device, and now it's like being Stephen King's cousin, Sammy King - write all the books you want, you'll still just be in someone else's shadow. They've worked out an association with Borders Bookstores, which I'm hoping will see their library exponentially increase over the coming year; Sony's ebook store has close to 100,000 titles, which download in their .lrf format. To their credit, however, Sony has given up the ghost of proprietary formats fairly quickly (given their history), and made their reader much more multi-format compatible. They've also come out in support of the .epub format, which is slowly - sloooowwwwwwlyyyy - inching its way to becoming the industry standard; their device also supports the Adobe Digital Editions/PDF formats. You do, however, need to install Sony's Ebook software to download books.

4. Fictionwise
http://www.fictionwise.com
Fictionwise is the dark horse in this race; opened in 2000, they don't have the largest library of ebooks at around 59,000 titles. What they do have is the largest format support of any other ebook retailer. They sell ebooks in both device-specific encrypted form and unencrypted forms, and in a choice (depending on a title's format availability) of: .lrf, .mobi, .prc, .lit, .pdf, and a few others (.kml, .rb) I haven't seen. Also, and perhaps most importantly: on March 5th of this year, Fictionwise was acquired by Barnes & Noble. I particularly find this somewhat amusing; in 2003, B&N pulled out of the ebook market, complaining that "manufacturers have not yet made a device that consumers embrace on a wide scale."

5. Ebooks
http://www.ebooks.com
Launched in 2000 (do you see a trend here?), Ebooks is another Little Engine That Could. They claim to have a library of - depending on what part of their website you read, either 30,000 titles, 100,000 titles, or 160,000 titles. Hmm. I'm inclined to believe the former, and the latter figure includes "documents", which may be research papers in electronic format. They do offer multiple formats: .mob/prc, .lit, and .pdf.

6. Ereader.com
http://www.ereader.com
You have to give Ereader some credit, they just keep managing to survive. This is probably the OLDEST online electronic book retailer, once upon a time (mid 1990's) existing as Peanut Press and selling ebooks exclusively for the Palm OS devices. Since then they've been sold to Palm (became Palm Digital Media), then to Motoricity (where they became Ereader.com)...and in 2008 they were bought by Fictionwise. Which is now owned by Barnes & Noble. Which gives B&N a double-foothold into the ebook online retail market. Look out, Amazon! Right now, you need the Ereader software to read their books; they were primarily designed for PDA devices. I'm expecting this model to change dramatically as B&N.com changes their online model to once again include ebooks.

7. Gutenberg Project
http://www.gutenberg.org
Project Gutenberg is the first and largest single collection of free electronic books, or eBooks. Michael Hart, founder of Project Gutenberg, invented eBooks in 1971 and continues to inspire the creation of eBooks and related technologies today. PG is about digital books in all their forms - the list I've seen includes ASCII, .html, .pdf, .prc, .pdb, .rtf, .txt...as well as .mp3, .midi...you get the idea. PG is about non-DRM formats, and free books to all. Books on PG are also public domain - you won't find any Ann Rice novels here, but you will find various works by Plato, Shakespeare, Bram Stoker, Byron...at last count they had 27,000 free titles available.

I decided to include one more - not that I've had any experience with them at all, but I stumbled across them looking for something else and felt they warranted mention, if not further exploration:

8. eBookMall
http://www.ebookmall.com/
From their own website:

eBookMall is a leading e-publisher and Internet retailer of eBooks. The eBookMall e-commerce website at www.ebookmall.com was launched on July 4, 2000. The site has grown from 2,000 eBooks to over 210,000 eBooks and continues to grow rapidly.

eBookMall now offers over 150,000 eBooks in a variety of popular formats. Our ordering system is simple and secure. We've provided an ample amount of instructions on how to order, because we understand that eBooks are a new technology and not much of the population has had experience with ordering them yet. We think the amount of eBook readers will increase as everyone realizes how simple eBooks are to use, and how many benefits they have.

From my own quick research, they support ebooks in the following formats: .prc, .pdb, .mob, .lit, .pdf, .doc, .txt, and .html.

So, there you have it; an exhaustive list of places you can go to get your book-read on, once you've bought your digital reading device. But what happens if the books you want, aren't available in a format your device supports?

See you next time :)

Ebooks (Vol. 2): Okay I Want, but Which One?

2009-03-17T18:21:00.026-04:00

Thanks largely in part to 1) Oprah mentioning it on her show, and 2) no one being able to buy anything from Amazon's website without seeing a Kindle ad, the Amazon Kindle has burst out to a commanding lead in the dedicated ebook device sales market. However, just because they're becoming the iPod of ereaders, doesn't mean they're the only kid on the block you should look at. I've compiled a list of the big players out there, and you can decide for yourself which one you like more. Next volume, we'll discuss where you can GET books for your device - because not every device, can display every book format.

Kindle 2
Manufacturer: Amazon
Price: $359
Available: Amazon.com only
Specifications:

Display: 6" diagonal E-Ink® electronic paper display, 600 x 800 pixel resolution at 167 ppi, 16-level gray scale.

Size (in inches): 8" x 5.3" x 0.36".
Weight: 10.2 ounces.

System requirements: None, because it doesn't require a computer.

Storage: 2GB internal (approximately 1.4GB available for user content).

Battery Life: Read on a single charge for up to 4 days with wireless on. Turn wireless off and read for up to two weeks. Battery life will vary based on wireless usage, such as shopping the Kindle Store and downloading content. In low coverage areas or in 1xRTT only coverage, wireless usage will consume battery power more quickly.
Charge Time: Fully charges in approximately 4 hours and supports charging from your computer via the included USB 2.0 cable.

Connectivity: EVDO modem with fallback to 1xRTT; utilizes Amazon Whispernet to provide U.S wireless coverage via Sprint's 3G high-speed data network. Check our wireless coverage map for availability. This expanded coverage is only available for Kindle 2. See Wireless Terms and Conditions.

USB Port: USB 2.0 (micro-B connector) for connection to the Kindle power adapter or optionally to connect to a PC or Macintosh computer.

Audio: 3.5mm stereo audio jack, rear-mounted stereo speakers.
Content Formats Supported: Kindle (AZW), TXT, Audible (formats 4, Audible Enhanced (AAX)), MP3, unprotected MOBI, PRC natively; PDF, HTML, DOC, JPEG, GIF, PNG, BMP through conversion.

Included Accessories: Power adapter, USB 2.0 cable, rechargeable battery. Book cover sold separately.

Review:
(CNET) The good:
Slimmer and sleeker looking than the original Kindle; large library of tens of thousands of e-books, newspapers, magazines, and blogs via Amazon's familiar online store; built-in free wireless "Whispernet" data network--no PC needed; built-in keyboard for notes and navigation; a faster processor speeds up the device; with 2GB of internal memory, it's capable of storing 1,500 electronic books; font size is adjustable; improved battery life; displays image files and plays MP3 and AAC audio; compatible with Windows and Mac machines; new Text-to-Speech feature allows you to have text read aloud.

The bad:
No expansion slot for adding more memory or accessing files; files such as PDFs and Word documents aren't natively supported, and need to be converted at 10 cents a pop by Amazon; no protective carrying case included; battery is sealed into the device and isn't removable; hardware and content is still too expensive.

The bottom line:
While it's still short of perfection--and has a price tag that's too high--the Amazon Kindle 2 offers a range of improvements that makes it the best overall e-book reader we've seen to date.
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Reader Digital Book 700
Manufacturer: Sony
Price: $399 ($259 non-touchscreen 505 model available)
Specifications:

Weights and Measurements
Dimensions (Approx.) : Approx. 5 1/9 x 6 7/9 x 13/32 inches (127.6 x 174.3 x 9.7 mm)
Weight (Approx.) : 10 oz. without soft cover

Power
AC Power : Optional AC Charger requires 120 Volts 60Hz
Battery Life (Approx) : Up to 7,500 continuous page turns (or up to two weeks worth of reading)

Battery Type : Rechargeable Lithium-Ion
Recharging Time : Approx. 4 Hours with USB charging from powered Computer or Approx. 2 Hours when using optional AC wall charger

Media Formats Supported
DRM Text : BBeB Book (Marlin), ePub
Image : JPEG, GIF, PNG, and BMP
Unsecured Audio : MP3 and AAC7
Unsecured Text : BBeB, ePub, TXT, RTF, Adobe® PDF10, Microsoft® Word (Conversion to the Reader requires Word installed on your PC)

Display
Gray Scale : 8-Level Gray Scale
Resolution : Approx. 170 Pixels Per Inch
Screen Size : 6" Measured Diagonally
Technology : E Ink® "Electronic Paper"
Touchscreen

Review:
(MobileTechReview) Sony has worked a near miracle with their touch screen and touch-centric user interface. The Reader is simply a joy to use in terms of ergonomics, control and navigation. This is by far the most natural way to manage, navigate and read books we've seen so far. Alas, its lesser contrast doesn't warm our bookish hearts, and for those in love with e-ink's paper-like look, that's a tough one to swallow. For those new to eBook readers or those who don't mind reading from matte notebook displays, the PRS-700 has greater appeal. As always, the Reader is a great way to carry around a huge library of books and avoid the storage issues of traditional books. We aplaud Sony's support for a variety of formats, both DRM and non-DRM, especially native PDF and ePUB support. Though it lacks the cool wireless shopping feature we won't complain since all book purchases are downloaded to our PC and we can read those books on the PC too.

Pro: Responsive touch screen and excellent user interface. Navigating through books, notes and where you left off in a book is quick and easy. Nice design, more attractive than the original Kindle and more book-like than the Kindle 2. The touch screen means there's no need for a hardware keyboard (assuming you like to take notes and want a keyboard). A nice cover is included. Several book formats are supported natively, including ePUB, which will likely become the standard for digital books. The sidelights are a godsend to those who read in bed and don't want to disturb his/her partner. Sturdy metal casing (though that display is glass, so do take care).

Con: Screen has less contrast and clarity than earlier Sony Readers and the Amazon Kindle. Sony desktop software doesn't support the Mac.
.

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Plastic Logic Reader (no official name given)
Manufacturer: Plastic Logic
Price: unknown
Available: late 2009
Specifications/Review:From the company website:
The Plastic Logic reader supports a full range of business document formats, such as Microsoft Word, Excel and Powerpoint, and Adobe PDFs, as well as newspapers, periodicals and books. It has an easy gesture-based user interface and powerful software tools that will help business users to organize and manage their information. Users can connect to their information either wired or wirelessly and store thousands of documents on the device. The reader incorporates E Ink technology for great readability and features low power consumption and long battery life.

(from reviews on the demo device)
The Plastic Logic reader's screen is larger, the size of a standard sheet of paper--8.5 by 11 inches--but it doesn't weigh much more than the other readers. It weighs 13 ounces--compared with 10.3 ounces for the smaller Kindle. And it has a display on a plastic substrate, unlike the glass screen used for the Kindle and Sony Reader, which means that it is rugged. (At Demo, Plastic Logic's CEO, Richard Archuleta, showed a video of the display being whacked with a shoe and continuing to operate.)

Instead of dealing with buttons, users can flip through the pages of a book, magazine, or PDF using a touch screen and a simple swiping gesture. The Plastic Logic reader includes a "sticky note" function and a soft keyboard for marking pages. The company hasn't made a final decision on what the reader's storage capacity will be.
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Cybook Gen 3Manufacturer: Bookeen
Price: $350
Available: yes
Specifications:

Size:
4.7" x 7.4" x 0.3"
118 x 188 x 8.5 mm

Weight:
6.13 ounces -174 g
battery included

Screen:
6" E Ink® Vizplex screen
[4.8"x3.6"- 122mmx91mm]
600x800 pixels, 166 dpi
B&W, 4 grayscale
Daylight readable
No backlight
Portrait and landscape mode

Controls:
buttons "ON/OFF", "Up ", "Down", "Right ", "Left", "Enter ", "Delete", "Menu", "Music".
Power Supply:
Universal AC 100~240V, DC 5V 700mA
Plugs: Euro 2Pin, UK 3Pin, US 2Pin
Operating System:
Embedded Linux
Software suite:
Bookeen® Multi-format eBook reader
Supported image formats: JPG, GIF, PNG
Supported sound format: MP3
Battery:
Rechargeable built-in Li-Polymer battery (1000 mAh)
8,000 screen refresh battery life
Processor:
Samsung® S3C2410 ARM920T 200MHz
ROM memory:
8 MB
RAM memory:
16 MB
Storage memory:
512 MB
Connectivity:
USB Client (v2.0) - Mini USB B connector
In the box:
Cybook eBook reading device
USB cable
Quick Start Guide
Charger (Deluxe version)
Case (Deluxe version)
2GB SD card (Deluxe version)
Extra battery (Deluxe version)
Stereo earphones (Deluxe version

Review:(TheFutureOfThings) On the plus side, we can definitely say that, for the most part, the Cybook is fairly quick and responsive. It has a readable display, good battery life, good RSS support, and as a dedicated e-book reader it usually does its job very well.

On the downside, it is hard to use the device without considering how much better it could have been given slightly improved hardware and more robust firmware.

Pros
Fast—faster than the Sony PRS-505
Thin, light, and small
Very good battery life, (8,000 page-flips, according to Bookeen, and many hours of MP3 playback, revealed by our test)
Latest e-paper screen—very comfortable to read in a well-lit environment
Mobipocket format and software is excellent
Good—and free—RSS support

Cons
Cumbersome page-flip mechanism
Only a few, small hardware buttons
Current firmware (late February 2008) lacks folder and subfolder capabilities, making anything with more than 100 items difficult to find
Incomplete PDF support—some files don’t open or crash the device
No SDHC support
No wireless connectivity
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iLiad Book Edition
Manufacturer: iRex Technologies
Price: $699
Available: yes
Specifications:

Display
8.1-inch (diagonal) Electronic Paper Display
768 x 1024 pixels resolution, 160 DPI.
16 levels of grey-scale
Touch sensor input
Integrated Wacom® Penabled® sensor board
Stylus (Wacom® Slim Pen)

Processor and memory
Intel® 400MHz XScale™ processor
64 MB RAM

Storage and expansion
256MB internal flash memory of which 128MB accessible to user.
Expandable via USB, MMC or CF cards.

Power and battery
Built-in rechargeable Lithium Ion battery
Charging via Power Adapter
Charging time: about 3 hours

Audio
Built-in stereo speakers
3.5-mm stereo headphone mini-jack

Communication
Built-in Wi-Fi® 802.11B/G wireless networking
Optional external 10/100MB Ethernet networking via Travel hub.
Size and Weight
Height: 217mm (8.5 inch)
Width: 155mm (6.1 inch)
Depth: 16mm (0.63 inch)
Weight: 435 grams (15.3 ounce)

Supported Formats
File formats supported : PDF / HTML / TXT / JPG / BMP/ PNG / PRC (Mobipocket)
Additional formats supported in the future.

Interface Languages
Dutch, English, German, French and Spanish.
Additional languages supported in the future.

Review:
(TopTenReviews) It seems to be marketed more toward the communal student environment. Where you can read a book on it, but you can also get anything else that can be printed off from a computer (meaning it supports PDF files). The iLiad also has more of an international base, giving users the option to get many of the international newspapers straight to their device.

One feature we liked about the iLiad was its device-to-device compatibility. When you make notes and annotate documents on the iLiad it can be transferred not only to another computer but also to another iLiad device. If you had a paper you wanted edited, you could make notes on yours, transfer it to someone else’s so they could make notes and comments and give it back to you.

Because the iLiad screen is equipped with Wacom Penabled technology, you can use the stylus to make notes, underline, draw and more. This means that you can do things like Sodoku puzzles and crossword puzzles.

The iLiad falls short compared to other eBook readers with its battery life and internal memory. The battery only lasts around 15 hours. Disappointing, especially when compared to other devices that can go for weeks. Also, the iLiad only has 4GB of internal memory, that’s holding dozens of books as opposed to the hundreds and thousands other devices can hold.

The iLiad does not have a dedicated service for providing content. You can get online and create a MyiRex account, but that allows you to make use of the daily delivery service for two newspapers. But you can get RSS feeds on the iLiad.

The iLiad has some really cool “wow” features that we think will probably be the future of eBook readers. However, even though some of the features give user some more flexibility, the lack of storage space, a dedicated content provider and compatibility with some formats gives it a low score in value.

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Hanlin eReader V3
Manufacturer: Tianjin Jinke Electronics Co., LTD
Price: $299
Available? Yes
Specifications:

Dimensions 184mm(L)*120.5mm(W)*9.9mm(H)
Main Display ePaper (E-ink technology)
Storage Internal/SD Card
Memory SDRAM : 32MB, Internal 2M NOR FLASH
Weight 210g
Battery Li-ION 950mAh
I/O A.3.5mm stereo audio jack for earphone, B.USB 1.1 Port, C.SD slot(extendable up to 4GB)
Working Temperature 0ºC to 40ºC
Keeping Temperature -20ºC to 55ºC
Format Support PDF, DOC, WOLF, MP3, HTML, TXT, CHM, FB2, Djvu, PNG, TIF, GIF, BMP, JPG, PPT, EPUB, LIT, PRC, MOBI.
CPU Samsung Arm9 200Mhz
Operating System Linux OS
Accessories USB cable, Charger, User Manual, Earphone

Review:
(Associated Content) The Hanlin Ereader V3 supports a very wide variety of digital book formats, supporting DOC, WOLF, PDF, HTML, TXT and many other file types without the need to convert. However, it has no wireless access so electronic books must be first downloaded to a PC and then transferred to the ebook reader by means of an SD memory card or a USB port. It fulfills its main function as a portable ebook reader quite well, although it lacks many of the additional features available in other wireless reading devices. Overall, this is not a poor quality piece of technology at all, although it lacks any real unique features to make it stand out from the fold
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FLEPia
Manufacturer: Fujitsu
Price: approx. $1,000
Available? Expected April 2009, Japan only
Specifications:

Resolution: 768x1024 (XGA)
Colors: 8 or 4,096 (depending on the mode; 8 colors refresh in 2s; 4,096 colors refresh in 10s)
Size: 210x304x12mm (A4), 158x240x12mm (A5)
Thickness 12mm
Weight: 480g (A4), 320g (A5)
Body colors: White pearl, pink pearl, silver
Features: Touch panel, scroll button, six function buttons
OS: MS Windows CE5.0
Security: AES-128
CPU: Intel XScale
Connectivity: WiFi 802.11b/g
SD Card
USB 2.0
Stereo speaker built-in, head phone connector
Lithium polymer battery with 50 hours runtime

Review:
[Revised](FastCompany) The FLEPia is a full sunlight-visible e-ink device, capable of displaying greyscale and color imagery (with 260,000 colors) on its 8-inch touchscreen, which has 1024 x 768-pixel resolution. There's an SD memory card slot, 802.11 b/g Wi-Fi, Bluetooth 2.0 EDR and it can run for 40 hours from a single charge. It runs Windows CE 5.0, so it can be used for reading e-books, browsing the web, emailing, reading Word, Excel and Powerpoint files, PDFs, TXT files, and JPEG imagery--that means it can also be set into digital picture frame mode.

The device has two major problems. First, the screen refresh rate is an astonishing 1.8 seconds. Although the Kindle's screen update isn't pretty (with that oddly eye-grabbing color-invert) it's at least speedy. Waiting nearly two seconds for the FLEPia to change its display is almost certainly going to get tiresome. Think about reading a physical book--flipping a page takes a fraction of a second to grab it, flip it, hold the book in place and track your eyes to the top of the new page. That's a far cry from the FLEPia's performance. And when in web or email-viewing modes it'll be really annoying. The 1.8 second time is also just for 64 colors, since it rises to 8 seconds for the full 260,000 color range.
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eSlick
Manufacturer: Foxit
Price: $259 introductory (deadline passed), $299 retail.
Available? Preorders sold out; due for April shipping
Specifications:

Screen:6" E Ink® Vizplex screen 600 x 800 pixel resolution, 4-level gray scale
Size: 7.4" x 4.7" x 0.4" (188×118×9.2mm)
Weight: 6.4 ounces (180g) battery included
Color: Black , Gray(Black back), White (Light Gray back)
Connectivity: USB2.0
Operating System: Embedded Linux
Supported Formats:
eBook Formats: PDF, TXT, Any printable document(after converted to PDF using included software)
Sound Formats: MP3
Internal Memory: 128MB
Storage Memory: SD Card (2GB included. Supports up to 4GB)

Expandability: SD card slot
Certification & Regulation: FCC
Controls:Buttons "ON/OFF", "Up ", "Down", "Right ", "Left", "Enter ", "Delete", "Menu", "Music".
Plugs: Euro 2Pin, UK 3Pin, US 2Pin
Battery:Rechargeable Lithium-Battery
Processor:Samsung® S3C2440 ARM 400MHz

Review:
(CNET UK) The device appears to be pretty no-frills--there's no built-in wireless--and seems to be all about viewing PDF files (Foxit makes a PDF converter and viewer, so that's the tie-in). The eSlick uses the same E-ink technology that the Kindle and Sony Readers do and it comes with a 2GB SD card that slips into an expansion slot.

All in all, the concept is a good one. A lot of people don't want to fiddle around with a lot of e-book formats and just want a device that's an excellent PDF reader. We'll see if the eSlick is as slick a PDF reader as it says it is when it's released

EBooks (Vol. 1): Want or Waste of Time?

2009-03-17T13:54:00.007-04:00

Riding the trains, sitting in coffee shops with my eReader...I get a lot of lookie-loos, and questions. People are curious about this thing I'm holding - is it a Kindle? Is it an audio book? A netbook? What the hell is this, and do I (meaning they) want one for myself?

So, having had a good month with the Sony - and having had the chance to spend a few days with the Kindle 1, and a hands-on with the Kindle 2 - I figure it'd probably be a good service to clarify just what it is about an eReader that may or may not appeal to you folks out there, based on the types of questions I get.

WHY BOTHER?
Seriously, why do I want/need a dedicated device just for books? I have a desktop, a laptop, a netbook, an iJesus phone...why would I spend $300-$400 on a device just to read books, when all of those other devices will let me read books on them as well? And do more for the price?

You're right, you can absolutely read books on any of those devices you've named, and more. Hell, I used to download ebooks onto my Palm device and read them on planes/trains. So why did I fork over the bucks for a dedicated reading device?

Because I like my eyes.

I spent a couple grand a few years ago to have Lasik surgery, after having spent most of my life wearing glasses. I would very much like to put off, for as long as possible, any eye damage that will naturally occur as old age begins to creep up on me.

Computer screens - LCD screens - while better than the old CRT screens, will (excuse my french) fuck your eyeballs up. Especially as much as we web junkies use them.

Come on; video games, web browsing, chat programs, spreadsheets, documents, text messages, smartphones. We probably spend 10-12 hours a day squinting at LCD screens of some kind. And I'm being conservative with that number. Here's part of a report put out on eye fatigue:

As the amount of technology used in today’s world increases, so do the concerns for health and safety. Numerous persons who utilize computers on a regular basis complain of difficulties with their vision. Scientific research conducted by experts in the field indicate that, though it is common for discomfort and fatigue for the eyes, there is no permanent damage from using computers on a regular basis. There was one study, completed in Japan in 2004, which did however, find an increased risk for myopic (nearsighted) individuals who use computers on a regular basis and an incidence of Glaucoma.

There are many different possible-contributing factors to eye problems related to computer use. They include:

- Using bifocals which are set for a typical reading distance of sixteen inches, and where computer monitors are usually further away than sixteen inches.
- The set distance of the computer monitor causing the worker to focus on one specific distance for a long period of time.
- The fact that information on a computer monitor is brightest in the middle then fades out, as it gets closer to the edge. This causes the eyes to overwork to compensate and can result in strain to the eyes.
- Prolonged use of the computer without adequate breaks, causing increased stress and strain to the eyes.
- Inadequate or improper placement and/or use of lighting. (glares too much or is too dark).

Isn't this just another LCD device, and won't it still damage your eyes?

Wrong!

See, the reason for the price on these readers isn't the newness of the devices - ebooks have been around the consumer market since the '90s, and ereaders have been available for a good 4-5 years now. No, the price is related to the technology being used: e-ink.

Readers such as the Kindle (which right now is the most popular, but I'll go into detail later about the different devices out there) DO NOT use LCD screens, and therefore cause considerably less eye strain on their own. There's no backlight, the screen technology is designed to be no more of a strain on the eyes than reading a paper book.

E-ink...in simplistic terms, is like looking at a very, very good Etch-A-Sketch. It rearranges a display of charged particles using an electrical field, essentially "pushing" the charged particles to the top of the special "paper" holding them and forming images based on what the electrical impulses tell them to do.

Think of it in terms of those old gimmick desk toys you'd seen, where you stuck your hand into an open block of thin, metal rods; the rods would push outward with your hand, and form a three-dimensional image of your hand with those rods.

A very similar principal is at work here. The device electronically reads what the text is supposed to look like, and pushes the particles up to the top of the display sheet in the proper configuration where you can see it - in the form of text, or pictures. When you turn the page it wipes the board clean, and does it all again.

The advantages of this?

- no screen flicker on display;
- no glare from a lighted display;
- less reflection from ambient outside light;
- significant battery savings

How much does this save in battery life?

Like you can't imagine. An LCD screen draws on it's power supply to keep it active. An e-ink display...doesn't. Once the screen is drawn, it takes NO power to keep the image on the screen.

I've had my Sony for just about a month. I've charged it...twice. In that time I've read 11 full-length books and several newspaper RSS feeds. I use it DAILY, on my commute to and from work, and will sit and read on the weekends.

And I've charged it twice in that time. At neither time was it at the halfway mark for battery life.

If I didn't touch my phone AT ALL for the same amount of time, I'd come back and find it completely dead.

Okay, but at the end of the day - this is still just a $300 book.

Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, people looked at the iPod and thought: puh-leeze, this is just a $400 device to hold music. It had a mere monochrome 160 x 128 LCD, 32MB of RAM and 5G of storage. The iPod didn't know how to work with Windows, was FireWire-only at first, and only sold 125,000 units in its first two months. They didn't see its potential.

Ebook readers are in that stage of development. And they can already do so much more than people give them credit for. Don't think of this as a device to read a book with; think of it as a device to STORE your books. Your entire LIBRARY of books. Right now, with a mere 512mb storage card in it, my Sony reader has 80 books and 3 newspapers in storage. Understand that: 80 full-length books. That I can access at any time, anywhere I am. The devices have built-in mp3 capacity, so I could use it to listen to music while I read. It can store photos. Some have limited web browsing capability. Others have note-taking ability, touch-screen technology, dictionary lookups... Imagine if you had this, in college, instead of your backpack filled with 10lb books. You could carry an entire semester's textbook needs, in your coat pocket.

Granted, but: a black and white display? Seriously?

I say again: early stages of development. Color readers are out there, but because of the way the technology works it's cost-prohibitive for the consumer market. Right now. Give it a few years, you'll see that change - and it'll open up a whole new market for readers: magazines, graphic novels, comic books.

I'm still not completely convinced...

At the end of the day, it comes down to this: do you read a lot of books, whether for pleasure, work, or school? Do you read more than 2 books a month? Are you comfortable using technology?

If you can answer yes to these...then yes, an ereader is very likely something you'd like. And we'll chat more later on the specifics of what's out there, what their differences are, and where you can get books to download onto them.

If you've answered no, then let's face it - you're not really into books, are you? So this would be a total waste of your money. It's what a graphic tablet is to an artist; if you don't spend a lot of time doing computer art, what's the point of owning one?

More later.

iCult of iPersonality

2009-03-16T14:23:00.002-04:00

Apple is evil.

I've said it again. And again. And again. But still you people refuse to believe me; you rush out, blindly buying these sterile devices devoid of personality - but you're tricked into believing that owning one will somehow enhance yours, and since everyone else has one...why be the one not owning the popular new gadget?

Well, Apple fans, your holy church is showing their true colors.

The new Shuffle has...no controls on it. It's a plain white stick, with a headphone plug. The controls are on the headphones, not the device.

Sounds cool, doesn't it? And look how tiny it is! Ubertech!

Here's the catch. There's an authentication chip inside the new Shuffle. So only those headphones programmed to work with the chip, will work on your Shuffle.

Yes, that's right true believers. Those $90 earbuds you've come to love so much? Useless, if you buy the Shuffle. You may as well stuff cotton swabs in your ears, you'll get more sound out of them.

Think about how this works: Apple, as most people are aware, makes pretty crappy headphones that come with their devices. No one actually uses the headphones that come with it, they go out and buy their own. Life is good.

Company A, we'll call them...SoNi...makes headphones. Their headphones are actually pretty good. You like your SoNi headphones. You also (since you, too, are drinking the red Kool-aid) like the new iPod Shuffle, and would love to use the very expensive SoNi headphones you already own.

You can't.

SoNi, in order to make new headphones for the Shuffle...must pay a licensing fee to Apple. Which will raise the price of their headphones.

Which will make you think twice about buying a new pair. Instead, you'll stick with the ones Apple sent you.

SoNi a) is paying money to Apple to make headphones that b) no one will buy, leading to SoNi losing money. Because of this, they can't put more money into their competing MP3 players. Which means even more people buy Apple.

This is what we call evil, folks. With a capital E.

And you, you'll all just keep on buying those fruit-logo'd products, won't you?

Is it any coincidence that the Shuffle is how Zombies move?

Resistance is futile.

Fembots Are Closer Than You Think

2009-03-16T12:01:00.004-04:00

First: I know some of you out there aren't getting the "fembot" reference. Damn kiddies. Waaaaay back in the days of analog television, there was a show called the Bionic Woman; in one two-part episode, she fought a series of female robots (androids) called the Fembots.

I've been making sexbot jokes for a while now, but...are they really jokes? Last week, we had the robot who was taught to love (and, not coincidently, went crazy).
Well, that was then. This is now.

TSUKUBA (Japan) - JAPANESE researchers on Monday showed off a robot that will soon strut her stuff down a Tokyo catwalk.
The girlie-faced humanoid with slightly oversized eyes, a tiny nose and a shoulder length hair-do boasts 42 motion motors programmed to mimic the movements of flesh-and-blood fashion models.

'Hello everybody, I am cybernetic human HRP-4C,' said the futuristic fashionista, opening her media premiere at the National Institute of Advanced Industrial Science and Technology outside Tokyo.

The fashion-bot is 158 centimetres tall, the average height of Japanese women aged 19 to 29, but weighs in at a waif-like 43 kilograms - including batteries. She has a manga-inspired human face but a silver metallic body.

'If we had made the robot too similar to a real human, it would have been uncanny,' said one of the inventors, humanoid research leader Shuji Kajita.

'We have deliberately leaned toward an anime style.' The institute said the robot 'has been developed mainly for use in the entertainment industry' but is not for sale at the moment.

Let's...stop it right there, shall we? "We have deliberately leaned towards an anime style"..."has been developed for...the entertainment industry".

Helllloooo?! Am I the only one seeing where this is leaning?

The Japanese have been working on female bots for a while now. A Michigan lab is working on a robot hand that can do breast exams, and a Japanese cosmetics company has been developing a "soft, human-like skin"...for unknown purposes. Because we need our industrial robots to be nice and soft to the touch, I guess.

Combine all of this and what do we get? A robot taught to love...sensitive enough to fondle genitalia...has oh-so-soft skin...can speak...and looks like an anime doll.

Sexbot. Sexbot. Sexbot. You people should be ashamed of yourselves. ASHAMED!

...now, where do I send the money to?

Literary Logjam

2009-03-12T15:29:00.002-04:00

I'm stumped.

A few weeks back I up and bought myself a Sony Reader; I won't get into the details of why the Reader over the Kindle, except to say I like my expensive tech to look like it came from THIS decade, not 20 years earlier.

I'm a book junkie, and love to read; my biggest concerns were where to store the books I was done with, and when I finished a book on the way to work should I buy another one to pick up for the ride home?

I remember being in a bookstore once with a friend, and she pointed at these two bookends and said "that's you." I looked, and they depicted a small dragon crouched on a desk, with its nose buried in the book. I asked why, in particular, she said that reminded her of me. She replied: "It looks like he's inhaling the books, not reading them. That's how you read, you breathe them in and you're done."

I read a little fast. Sue me.

Anyway, none of this per se is my dilemna. Where I'm stuck is in deciding what books to download onto my Reader. See, Sony decided to run a promo where, if you bought a Reader by a certain date you'd receive, from their ebook store, 100 free classic titles. I emphasize, free.

A virtual smorgasborg, right? A literary cornucopia, every reader's dream.

Be careful what you wish for.

Oh at first it seemed so EASY! Without hesitation, I checked off: Frankenstein, Dracula, the Iliad, the Odyssey; the collected works of Edgar Allan Poe. 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, the Count of Monte Cristo, The Divine Comedy, Dr Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde. 26 great classics in all, so far.

...but now, I'm stuck.

There are over 900 classics to choose from, and now I'm not sure which ones I'd want to own. I don't want to just grab books I'll never re-read, or reference. I can dig up Shakespeare for free online at any time, so do I NEED to own copies of his works? Will I ever want to read Moby Dick again? I should own Mark Twain, but will that be at the expense of Leo Tolstoy? Herman Melville? Jonathan Swift? Charles Dickens? George Bernard Shaw?

ARRRRGH!

And in this, my friends, lies the fatal flaw of the ebook. I can own as many bourgeois books as I want...and no one would ever SEE them. So if they're not being owned for my reading pleasure, do I need to own them at all?

Certain books are meant to be put on a library shelf, only brought down and dusted off in the presence of company. It loses the flavor if you're simply handing over a thin device and saying "See index 3.14, header G". You can't pass on an ebook to a friend, a confidant, a child who needs a copy for a book report.

Classics are...well, classic. They deserve to be treated with love and respect, shelved and ignored for decades until, long after your death, some younger relative going through your most sacred possessions will pull down that ancient tome you've hoarded, carefully wipe the accumulated dust from the title, and whisper to herself:

"...wow, I can probably get twenty bucks for this on ebay!"

The Future is Now

2009-03-12T12:39:00.002-04:00

As much of a technology whore that I am, very few things make me sit up and beg for more. Sure, I get all giddy about the Palm Pre - but that's because a) I'm a Palm junkie, and b) I'm anti-Apple, so I'd very much like this to be the true challenger to the iPhone. I own a Sony Reader, but it's a convenience thing. They interest me, perhaps even excite me - but I don't look at it and go "holy shit, that's awesome!"

I may have found the tech that does that to me.

As a point of reference, I'm sure you've all seen the movie Minority Report with Tom "Krazy-Ass" Cruise. I'm specifically referring to the scenes where he's using his hands to manipulate icons on a virtual computer screen. There was a similar tech in the syndicated tv show "Earth: Final Conflict" (geeks, represent!) It's a technology we all dream about seeing "one day", but honestly don't believe we're there yet.

Well...if we're not there, we're frighteningly close.

The following video is a demo of tech created at MIT and still being developed. They're calling it a Sixth Sense technology - tech that uses a projector and a camera to pick up information about items around you, process that information, and then project data back for you to view/manipulate.

It's virtual, in reality.

I admit, talking about is very ho-hum-yawn. But you absolutely MUST see it in action to fully appreciate it. There's a scene in the demo video where the guy wants to know what time it is, so he uses his finger to draw a circle on his wrist - and the device projects a clockface onto his wrist, with the current time! He picks up a book in a brick-and-mortar bookstore, and the device reads the cover, goes out to Amazon, grabs the user ratings for the book and starts displaying it - right onto the book itself, for you to see.

It's an incredible concept, if this ever comes to market and is scaled down to a device that's a little less awkward-looking. If it could be packaged in something the size of a bluetooth headset for your ear...

Really, the future would BE now.

Watch the video. Skip ahead to about minute 3:10, when the cool demo's start if you don't want to hear the explanations on how it works.

Computer Love

2009-03-05T15:05:00.002-05:00

A few days ago, I made a computer love joke to someone who, using their fresh-out-of-the-box Amazon Kindle 2, decided to test the text to speech feature by having it read from a romance novel. The results were...sterile, to say the least. She compared the voice to - she being slightly younger than me - a video game, Portal, and the psychopathic female computer in the game. I - being wiser and more worldly - referenced an 80s R&B pair, Zapp & Roger, and their hit song "Computer Love".

Which of course is what immediately came to mind when I found out a robot in Japan decided to go all stalker-ish on a researcher - trapping her in the office for hours, refusing to let her leave. I shit you not, true believers; read on.

Kyoto, JP -3 March 2009- Staff. Researchers at Toshiba’s Akimu Robotic Research Institute were thrilled ten months ago when they successfully programmed Kenji, a third generation humanoid robot, to convincingly emulate certain human emotions. At the time, they even claimed that Kenji was capable of the robot equivalent of love.

(Okay, let's stop here for a second. I need to digest this part. They programmed a computer...to love. Humans have been trying to figure out how to define love for...well, since existance began. Yet, magically, these repressed nerds, um, scientists, have broken it down to a algorithm?! WTF? Frankenstein, much?)

Now, however, they fear that his programming has taken an extreme turn for the worst.
(well durr...!)

“Initially, we were thrilled to see a bit of our soul come alive in this so called ‘machine,’” said Dr. Akito Takahashi, the principal investigator on the project. “This was really the final step for us in one of the fundamentals of the singularity.”

Kenji was part of an experiment involving several robots loaded with custom software designed to let them react emotionally to external stimuli. After some limited environmental conditioning, Kenji first demonstrated love by bonding with a a stuffed doll in his enclosure, which he would embrace for hours at a time. He would then make simple, but insistent, inquiries about the doll if it were out of sight. Researchers attributed this behavior to his programmed qualities of devotion and empathy and called the experiment a success.

What they didn’t count on were the effects of several months of self-iteration within the complex machine-learning code which gave Kenji his initial tenderness. As of last week, Kenji’s love for the doll, and indeed anybody he sets his ‘eyes’ on, is so intense that Dr. Takahashi and his team now fear to show him to outsiders.

The trouble all started when a young female intern isn't it ALWAYS the young, female interns? Vindication, Bill Clinton!) began to spend several hours each day with Kenji, testing his systems and loading new software routines. When it came time to leave one evening, however, Kenji refused to let her out of his lab enclosure and used his bulky mechanical body to block her exit and hug her repeatedly. The intern was only able to escape after she had frantically phoned two senior staff members to come and temporarily de-activate Kenji.

“Despite our initial enthusiasm, it has become clear that Kenji’s impulses and behavior are not entirely rational or genuine,” conceded Dr. Takahashi.

Ever since that incident, each time Kenji is re-activated, he instantaneously bonds with the first technician to meet his gaze and rushes to embrace them with his two 100kg hydraulic arms. (so...he's an overweight socially inept techno-organic/geek, who thinks every woman he sees he's in love with and is too mentally unstable to interact with them properly? Does the robot play Worlds of Warcraft and live in his mother's basement too?)

Dr. Takahashi admits that they will more than likely have to decommission Kenji permanently, but he’s optimistic about one day succeeding where Kenji failed.

“This is only a minor setback. I have full faith that we will one day live side by side with, and eventually love and be loved by, robots,” he said.

Does this all sound...oddly familiar? 2004. Will Smith. I, Robot:

Detective Del Spooner: I think you murdered him because he was teaching you to simulate emotions and things got out of control.
Sonny: I did not murder him.
Detective Del Spooner: But emotions don't seem like a very useful simulation for a robot.
Sonny: [getting angry] I did not murder him.
Detective Del Spooner: Hell, I don't want my toaster or my vacuum cleaner appearing emotional...
Sonny: [Hitting table with his fists] I did not murder him!

I have a few questions, for the lab in Kyoto:

1) Why, exactly, are you trying to program a robot to love? In this Rosie the Robot lookalike, is the goal to create robotic au pairs? Is Technonanny going to become the babysitter of the future? Let's be real: that's what you tell the investors. But really your next research project is how to make a robot's skin feel like real flesh. I saw that episode of Buffy too you perv, and that sexbot didn't fare too well in the end either.

2) How, exactly, is this robot stopping the woman from leaving the lab? I'm assuming there's a decent sized space here. Every robot I've seen, including Asimo the walking wonder, pretty much moves slower than my Nana with a walker. So why the FUCK did you MORONS apparently build this thing with a turbocharger? Because that's the only explanantion I can come up with, for it being able to stop her from leaving. Is it on tank treads? Maybe a refurbished Segway? What kind of top speed does this thing have?

3) I realize interns are underpaid and, in some cases, not the brightest bulb on the christmas tree. But I have to assume that said robot...had an off switch. Somewhere. A plug. A battery. I mean, seriously - she had to call in two male interns to come save her?! Call me paranoid, but why do I have visions of these two dorks sitting at home on their Macbook, watching everything on video - remotely controlling the robot and giggling like mad at the prospect of rescuing our fair lolita princess?

Seriously folks, this is a bad Hollywood...wait, that's an oxymoron. This is a typical Hollywood horror flick, in real life. Young female intern. Nerd scientist. He makes his move, gets rejected. Is angry. Programs robot to attack intern. Spend next 45 minutes having robot take over lab, young intern running around in the dark slowing losing articles of clothing due to "accidents". Finds the ONE cellphone working, only number she knows/who has access is nerdboy. He shows up, she thinks she's safe, falls asleep...only to wake up in his basement, handcuffed and surrounded by robotic parts - all reaching for her, proclaiming their love.

Cue scream, roll credits.

Hollywood, ya'll got my number. Let's do lunch.

Puff Puff Pass

2009-02-23T16:53:00.003-05:00

Okay, so it's been ages. A-GES! I know, and I blame you. Because the alternative would be to blame myself, and we all know I'm completely faultless in this.

So slap yourself, and let's move on, shall we?

I'm a recovering smoker. And I say recovering in the lightest of terms, because I was never really a heavy smoker; I grew up in the household of a heavy pack-a-day smoker (thanks, mom!) - so quitting was pretty much a matter of me saying "okay, I'm done". So it was said, so it was done.

Occasionally, however, I still get the crave. I'd switched years ago to cloves for the flavor, and it *elevated* me over the regular Marlboro smoker. I wasn't just smoking, I was enjoying an after-dinner gaseous apertif. It was practically dessert, it tasted so good.

But I've stopped, and have been regularly ignoring the pack of Djarim Black's sitting on my mantle for the past...8 months. Yay me, clap clap, cue the band.

So, having said all that...what brings me here, to you, in all my literary glory?

E-cigarettes.

Yes, true believers, you have heard me correctly. Electronic cigarettes.

China, you technologically decadent cesspool...I fucking love you. Because this...I mean seriously, this boggles the mind. We've evolved into such a tech culture, that our VICES have migrated into digital. First virtual sex, now electronic smoking? Hell, when can I get my drink on by watching a dvd?

Right now you're going...what the HELL is an electronic cigarette? Well hold your damn horses, and I shall explain.

The Electronic Cigarette or electric cigarette or ecigarette, is a relatively simple device that creates vapor out of a nicotine and propylene glycol liquid. This “mist” acts much like tobacco smoke, allowing long time smokers a safer substitute. Smokers can also start using lower and lower level of nicotine in the cartridges to help ween themselves off of nicotine

.

I should say: this is near-complete bullshit. There is no intent whatsoever to use this device as a way to stop smoking. In fact, the wonderful thing about tiggers here is that, because this is NOT a cigarette and therefore does NOT emit "smoke" in the normal sense...

...you can use them in places where smoking is not allowed.

How. Fuckingly. Awesome. Is. That?

I shit you not, peeps. While many places would love to kick you out on your butt for lighting up (flicking the on switch?), the fact is...legally they can't. The e-cigs DON'T HAVE ANY TOBACCO, and therefore are not illegal under tobacco laws. Hell, you could probably sell them to minors and get away with it!

That won't do you much good when Omar, the club's 300lb bouncer, has his foot up your ass...but it's the PRINCIPAL here, folks.

I haven't yet seen them in person, but I plan on getting one. Because I have to sample this. The tech-head in me demands it, the rebellious creature that lurks much deeper craves it. There's a certain "wow" factor here too, popping one of these things out in a group and listening with sweet satisfaction all of the "ooohs" and "ahhhs" that are inevitable.

I'm sure you're going "But Trickster...they still smell like tobacco, doesn't that still pose a problem?"

People...my loyal subjects...would I even be mentioning this if this wonderful device were so limited? Of course not!

The flavors the cartridges (called Ejuice) come in are: regular tobacco, marlboro, mint, almond, chocolate, cherry, regular, menthol, apple and strawberry.

So it's like dessert, you see? And yes, for all you ex-80's Goths out there...ejuice DOES come in clove flavor as well.

I would like to end this post right here, for all of you regular folk. You should stop here, because you're all good people. Really, I mean it. Stop reading, close your browser. Move along, move along, nothing more to see here. Bye now.
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...as for the rest of you twisted bastards, I want to go a little deeper into analyzing this device. Because what I failed to mention earlier was a little thing that caught my eye in the more detailed description of this gadget. You've come this far of your own accord, despite my warnings not to. So fuck you, and read on.

At one end of the tube, there is the head light connected with one end of the battery. At the other end of the tube, there is the cartridge which has an inhaler connected with the smoking liquid container. At the middle of the tube, there are several important micro-electronic components, such as control circuit, pneumatic airflow sensor switch, vaporizer etc., inside a tube of stainless steel for simulating the smoking. The electronic circuit is connected with the battery at one side, and connected with the pneumatic switch and vaporizer at another side. Inside the vaporizer, there is a heating device, which is connected with the pneumatic switch at one side, and connected with the smoking liquid container at another side.

There is an air flow channel across along the tube. It is easy to use E-CIGARETTE: once you put the battery and the smoking liquid cartridge inside of E-CIGARETTE, you are ready to enjoy your smoking whenever and wherever you want. When you inhale E-CIGARETTE, the pneumatic switch acts under the inhaling pressure of the air flow so that the electronic circuit is on by a magnetic induction, the head of E-CIGARETTE light turns red, and the vaporizer atomizes the smoking liquid in the liquid container. When you stop to inhale E-CIGARETTE, the pneumatic switch is off, so that the electronic circuit stops automatically; and the red light as well as the vaporizer stops also. If the red light of the head becomes darker, it is the time for you to recharge the battery. If the smoke becomes less, you can change the cartridge or add more E-Smoking liquid by putting few E-Smoking liquid drops in the smoking liquid container inside the E-CIGARETTE.

So. It's a tube...where at one end there is a smoking liquid container...and at the other end...an air flow channel...through which you inhale.

Now...I'm not saying what this reminds me of, because I'm a completely innocent soul. I prefer to leave it to your imaginations, to wonder - in those late night moments, surrounded by friends, in a darkly lit basement away from the prying eyes of puritans and authoritative figures...

"Hmm. What an interesting device. I wonder what other uses I could get out of this?"

Such speculation is unseemly, and you should all be thoroughly ashamed of yourselves for even CONSIDERING using this innocent device for nefarious purposes. Shame. Shame on you all.

...but were I YOU, I might look into the uses of hash oil or cannabis oil mixed with the ejuice. Just sayin', is all.

Monkey out.

Man of the Hour

2008-11-11T21:00:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since i've graced this site with a few choice words, and to those ofyou who're still listening...my apologies. Life being what it is, I found myself lacking a certain voice; the need to express my thoughts to the world at large had, temporarily, vanished.

However, like the mythical phoenix, my narcissism has been reborn. The fire that birthed this re-entry into the blogosphere?

Occasionally...rarely, an individual comes into the public consciousness that inspires us. Often positively, sometimes negatively, but there is no question that we are forced to *opine* upon their existence. We argue about them, households becoming divided in the intensity of these discussions. We obsess over them, we watch anxiously for scraps dropping from the literary tables, looking to snatch a morsel of information - any information - to sate our appetite for knowledge of this individual, for tidbits and crumbs that serve only to fuel the fires already raging inside of us.

For months now, perhaps longer, there is one individual who has caused such intensity of emotion as to cause the weak to swoon, that has inflamed the outrage of some even as the passions of others have been fanned to inferno proportions.

Yes, you know exactly whom I speak of.

Edward Cullen.

Laugh, did you? As did I, when I first heard of this character. And character he is! For those of you who (a) have been living under a rock, or (b) are not female, Edward Cullen is the protagonist in Stephanie Meyer's young adult "Twilight" series of books, with a motion picture by the same title to be released next week.

Gentlemen. If the woman in your life has not been introduced to this...this...leech...do all within your power to keep her from him. Do not, under any circumstances, let these books take root in her mind and imagination, or - and I say this with the plight of all men in mind - YOU WILL BE DESTROYED.

When a friend first mentioned his name, I made the honest mistake - being male, and of sound mind - of admitting I did not know who he was.

This is a mistake. If confronted with a similar question, do not under any circumstance admit a lack of knowledge. To quote the great playahs of our age:

"Fake it until you make it."

Why, you ask? Very simpe, my friend. Becausr if you profess ignorance of the Great Edward Cullen...she will EDUCATE you.

She will gush. She will swoon. And she will COMPARE him to you, and in that moment, true believer, you will be undone.

Again, you ask: why so? It is, after all, only a character. In a book. He's fake...

Please. I beg of you, do not make that statement to your woman. Or, I suspect, any woman. Because while we, being creatures of logic, can dismiss him as being non-existant, fake, and therefore not a threat...

...to her, he is not fake. He is a Fantasy, and you - I can never, never hope to live up to the ideal that is Edward Cullen.

Cullen, you see, is a teenaged vampire.

A boy, you scoff? Again: do not underestimate his power. Part of his appeal is his youth. He is immortal, forever trapped at a single age.

Whicham incidently, is the peak age of male sexuality.

Do you begin to see now?

Oh it is worse than you think, because there is more in his power that you cannot hope to overcome. Because he, unlike you and I has had over 300 FUCKING YEARS to get his shit together.

Imagine that. 300 years of making mistakes and learning how to correct them. Meaning, 300 years as a young adult, in his prime age, learning the best ways to seduce impressionable teenaged girls.

And you hope to compete, on any level, with that?!

So I encourage you, should these novels arrive in your home: channel your inner Palin. Burn them, and invoke the name of God while doing so.

For all of our sakes.

Got Milk?

2008-09-25T16:52:00.006-04:00

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals sent a letter to Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, cofounders of Ben & Jerry's Homemade Inc., urging them to replace cow's milk they use in their ice cream products with human breast milk.

Human. Breast. Milk.

In my ice cream.

The letter specifically reads:

September 23, 2008

Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, Cofounders
Ben & Jerry's Homemade Inc.

Dear Mr. Cohen and Mr. Greenfield,

On behalf of PETA and our more than 2 million members and supporters, I'd like to bring your attention to an innovative new idea from Switzerland that would bring a unique twist to Ben and Jerry's.

Storchen restaurant is set to unveil a menu that includes soups, stews, and sauces made with at least 75 percent breast milk procured from human donors who are paid in exchange for their milk. If Ben and Jerry's replaced the cow's milk in its ice cream with breast milk, your customers-and cows-would reap the benefits.

Using cow's milk for your ice cream is a hazard to your customer's health. Dairy products have been linked to juvenile diabetes, allergies, constipation, obesity, and prostate and ovarian cancer. The late Dr. Benjamin Spock, America's leading authority on child care, spoke out against feeding cow's milk to children, saying it may play a role in anemia, allergies, and juvenile diabetes and in the long term, will set kids up for obesity and heart disease-America's number one cause of death.

Animals will also benefit from the switch to breast milk. Like all mammals, cows only produce milk during and after pregnancy, so to be able to constantly milk them, cows are forcefully impregnated every nine months. After several years of living in filthy conditions and being forced to produce 10 times more milk than they would naturally, their exhausted bodies are turned into hamburgers or ground up for soup.

And of course, the veal industry could not survive without the dairy industry. Because male calves can't produce milk, dairy farmers take them from their mothers immediately after birth and sell them to veal farms, where they endure 14 to17 weeks of torment chained inside a crate so small that they can't even turn around.

The breast is best! Won't you give cows and their babies a break and our health a boost by switching from cow's milk to breast milk in Ben and Jerry's ice cream? Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Tracy Reiman

Executive Vice President

Rather than comment on my feelings about this letter, I decided it would be best if I, on behalf of Messrs. Cohen and Greenfield, responded in kind.

Dear Tracy Reiman,

With specific regards to your letter to the Ben & Jerry Homemade, I felt obligated to respond to the idea of replacing bovine milk used in the making of their ice cream with human milk instead.

While it is an incredibly intriguing concept, I feel that you have quite possibly lost your fucking mind.

Forgetting the absolute silliness of asking a major corporation to replace a food product - which, incidently, human beings have been consuming for as long as mankind has learned to domesticate animals - with HUMAN milk, I would like to address the impracticalities of what you've asked this corporation to do.

You use, as an example, a solitary Swiss restaurant that is paying human volunteers to donate their breast milk so that they can make sauces for their dinner menus. While I believe this is a novel innovation on the part of the Swiss, the fact that you have extrapolated this concept to be used by a corporation that uses more milk in a day than this restaurant would in five years shows your complete and utter (udder?) ignorance and stupidity. Perhaps you should have directed this to the Swiss chocolatiers, as I'm certain you would enjoy milk chocolate made from human breast milk?

Do you intend for this major corporation to then reduce itself to relying on the good graces of female volunteers to fill their milk vats? Perhaps, instead, you envision deprived women in third-world countries lining up by the thousands, on a daily (if not hourly) basis, in order to donate their limited quantities of breast milk such that this corporation can meet their distribution goals?

You voice such concern for the state the cows exist in, and for that you should be applauded. You should, however, be bitch-slapped, several times in fact, for your implied suggestion that while it is deplorable for cows to exist in these conditions, it would be perfectly acceptable for human women to take their place. Perhaps we, as a nation, could enact a mandatory government draft - conscripting women by the thousands, in the name of public consumption - to volunteer for Milk Duty. These women would then spend, say four years of required service at the pumping stations to supply the needed milk for companies such as Ben & Jerry's to survive.

Conversely, as we seem to now be a nation of conquest - as evidenced by our soon-to-be annexation of Iraq, Afghanistan, and in the upcoming years Iran - we could instead enact slave labor camps. As you care only for the state of cows, you may be happy to know that there are very few cows in these countries; we could, instead, relocate our dairy factories to these otherwise useless nations and chain their women to these machines, creating a Nike-like cheap labor that would suit our digestive American needs.

I would not, myself, go so far as to suggest the methods by which these women would remain in a state of pregnancy - which, as you so pointedly noted, would be required in order for the women to consistently produce the milk needed. However, should the need arise I would be more than willing to volunteer my own services in this regards. No payment would be necessary, and travel to remote locations would not be a concern.

Of some concern, however, would be the potential "taint" posed by, shall we say, less sanitary women and the milk they would in turn produce. Perhaps B&J could enter into the drug trade, as I'm certain a large percentage of the women volunteering their services would already be some form of substance abuser. Kill two birds with one stone, as they say; Ben & Jerry Crack Houses could become a new franchise and source of income for the company.

I do have some trepidation; the costs of these enterprises would likely increase the price of ice cream tenfold. However, by putting the label "organic" on each carton, it by default enhances the quality of the product and guarantees the ice cream's inclusion on the shelves of Whole Foods. Price, as we already know from current Whole Food shoppers, would then not be a concern.

As I'm more than certain Ben & Jerry's is strongly considering your suggestion, may I be so bold as to further compliment your idea by proposing names that the company could use, in their new Breast Milk line of ice cream flavors?

Brownie Brown-Eyed Susan
Hazelnut Honkers
Tropical Fruit Melons Medley
Ho-Ho-Hooters
Bouncing Berry Betties
Traffic Light Triple Medley
Around the Globes
Bananas 'n Bongoes

If I may be so bold, I would like to finalize this letter by sending you several mops; by now, after reading this document, your floor must be flooded with the dripping sarcasm it has left. You may also find the wooden handle of the mops very helpful, as the stick you already have up your butt is by now completely splintered by your tight-assedness.

Sincerely,
Eric

Bubbly Goodness

2008-09-24T11:17:00.005-04:00

When I was young, there was a candy we all loved (at least, in my Bronx neighborhood we did) called Orbits.

Orbits, for those of you not in the know, were tiny pebble-sized sugar dots that came in a small box for maybe, 10cents. The boxes also came with a straw, the type that they give you with drinks at a bar, so that you could suck up the candy in the box with the straw.

Kids being kids, we all very creatively found a much better use for the candy AND the straw.

Pellet shooting.

I mean let's face it, they were absolutely perfect for this; tiny pellets, spherical, that came with it's own projectile launcher. They SOLD it to us, we'd be remiss if we didn't take full advantage of it. Who needed paper spitballs when you could literally shoot someone's eye out with sugary goodness? It came WITH the pea shooter, for christ's sake! This, to a child's mind, meant it was LEGAL!

When you shot someone with an Orbits pea, it was practically government sanctioned!

I bring this up, because there is a phenomenon that, admittedly, I do not see the appeal to. Not in the normal, sane-member-of-society sense, anyway.

We're talking about bubble tea.

To the typical American who has no idea what the freak I'm talking about, bubble tea is an asian - Taiwanese, to be specific - import that has overwhelmed the chinatown areas of our major cities. The abridged version of the Wiki description is as follows:

The distinctive characteristic of bubble tea is the presence of chewy translucent balls of pearl tapioca (that sit at the bottom of the glass). Cooked, large pearls have a diameter of at least 6 millimeters. The pearls are prepared by boiling for 25 minutes, until they are cooked thoroughly but have not lost pliancy, then cooled for 25 minutes. After cooking they last about 7 hours. The pearls have little taste, and are usually soaked in sugar or honey solutions.

Bubble teas are generally of two distinct types: fruit-flavored teas, and milk teas. However, some shops offer a hybrid "fruit milk tea." Milk teas may use dairy or non-dairy creamers.

The original bubble tea consisted of a hot Taiwanese black tea, brown large pearl tapioca, condensed milk, and honey. As this drink became more popular, variations were created.

Today one can find shops entirely devoted to bubble tea, similar to juice bars of the early 1990s. (They are served with a straw.) The straw may be brightly colored, and is oversize, large enough for sucking up the pearls.

I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this.

So. These drinks come with rounded, tasteless wads of sticky gluten. And a fat straw.

Why am I the only one who seems to see the dangerous applications of this?

I have to tell you...these straws and tapioca balls are perfect for spitballing. Per-fect. I wish they'd had these when I was growing up!

Forget the drinks they come with; I could pour snapple over beheaded gummi bears and come up with the same flavor. The draw, to me anyway, are the wonderous projectile applications of these tapioca balls! Why aren't there more kids being suspended or given detention in school for having bubble tea wars?

What the hell is wrong with kids today?! I've personally tested these, many times, and I have to tell you - with the size of the straw and the rounded consistency of the tapioca, you can achieve considerable range. And we have the added bonus of the stickiness of the tapioca upon impact.

Walking with a friend who *snort* actually buys them to DRINK (!), she didn't believe me on the range and accuracy of these pudding dots. I then fired off a round or two at the stop sign across the street, smiling satisfactorily at the metallic *ping* that followed each.

I'm sure she was impressed. Really.

We decided, in the interest of science, to continue to prove this theory and found multiple targets for me to practice my sharpshooting (sharpspitting?)

In hindsight, I did consider that perhaps defacing public property was not the brightest move. Doing so by the Department of Corrections and the Chinatown prison, possibly even less brilliant. Fortunately we came to this conclusion before any police could watch our demonstration.

She did manage to get off a shot of our handiwork before we ran for the hills.

Checkpoint Charlie

2008-09-23T20:39:00.000-04:00

After dropping Deli home tonight I figure hey, it's 7:30 - i've got enough time to make it home in time to drool over Felicia Day on "House", and I won't even need to kick in the hyperdrive engines.

Of course, this didn't take into account the U.N.

The fuckers.

A 20-25 min drive turned into nearly an hour, thanks to the single-lane checkpoint the NYPD has set up along the FDR.

This kaleidoscope of color you see isn't xmas come early - this is the highway as I sat in it, cursing myself for not crossing to the west side before heading uptown.

And what draconian procedure do the cars have to endure, as they reach the checkpoint?

I stopped. They shone a flashlight in my face. Then waved me on.

WTF?!

Was the flashlight some star trekkian genetic scan, some futuristic facial recognition device as yet unheard of by the general public? What purpose did that serve?

"He's american. Let him through."

It really does beg the question: what would have caused them to pull me aside? Did I need to have bombs in the passenger seat?

Or maybe, things would have been different if i'd been wearing a turban.

Arab IS the new Black, after all. Are Pakistanis going to complain about getting pulled over for DWAs now?

That checkpoint...concerns me. I don't want to return to the Jim Crow days.

Thanks, FDNY

2008-09-17T09:54:00.000-04:00

here's the scene this morning as I patiently (hah!) wait for the fire trucks to eave, so I can move my car :(

Worldly Concerns

2008-09-08T11:32:00.002-04:00

Bless me father, for I have sinned. It's been nearly two weeks since my last confession.

Blog, confession. Whatever. You get the point.

I can't say why, really; perhaps, as in all things in life, I just needed a slight break. A digital vacation, a literary getway. There have been so many things to talk about, things of great import - the Democratic Convention, McCain's Vice Presidential choice, the US Open, the hurricanes, the start of the NFL season. My brain is stuffed near to brim with all of the possible topics; how, I ask myself, do I start my first day back on the blog? What topic could I choose, from amongst so many?

Cat poo coffee.

Yes, you heard me. Coffee, from cat poo.

Perhaps I exaggerate. Slightly. But not by much.

It's called Kopi Luwak, and is coffee made from coffee berries which have been eaten by and passed through the digestive tract of the Asian Palm Civet.

The civets eat the berries, but the beans inside pass through their system undigested. This process takes place on the islands of Sumatra, Java and Sulawesi in the Indonesian Archipelago, in the Philippines (where the product is called Kape Alamid) and in East Timor (locally called kafé-laku).

The inner bean of the berry is not digested, but it has been proposed that enzymes in the stomach of the civet add to the coffee's flavor by breaking down the proteins that give coffee its bitter taste. The beans are defecated still covered in some inner layers of the berry. The beans are washed, and given only a light roast so as to not destroy the complex flavors that develop through the process. Some sources claim that the beans may be regurgitated instead of defecated.

Now...as eager as you obviously are to rush out and get your freshly shat pound of coffee, consider this. Kopi Luwak is the most expensive coffee in the world, selling for between $120 and $600 USD per pound.

Can I get a collective WTF, hallelujah and amen?

Seriously. WTF? W-T-F?! Why is shit-flavored coffee more expensive than others? Insanely more expensive?

...you know, in retrospect, I guess it makes a certain amount of sense. I mean, let's face it - you're gonna have to pay me a shitload (pun intended) of cash to chase after a nasty little bugger that looks like a raccoon, dig through it's feces looking for berries, to turn into coffee. Cuz that's not exactly a job that's gonna bring in the ladies, 'knamean?

But consider this question, which naturally popped into my head.

How, exactly, did this whole enterprise get started?

Think about this for a second. Some guy in kuala lumpur, wandering through the jungle, steps in some cat shit and, as he's wiping it off with a handy leaf, discovers coffee berries.

This guy, being of obviously sound body and mind, then popped said berries into his mouth. And oh-boy oh-boy, what a taste sensation THAT was!

Fast forward, and now he's living in a giant plantation house with a backyard pen full of these nasty little weasels. All they get to eat are coffee berries, which incidently probably makes them fairly exciteable little things. Which may also be why the coffee is so expensive, because fuck YOU if you think I'm going in a pen full of weasel-cats hopped up on caffine and NOT get paid a ton of cash.

Now...forgetting the fact that someone came up with this shit of an idea.

Someone had to actually BUY these beans from him, KNOWING it came out of a civet's ass. And did so eagerly.

In light of this, Governor Palin calling Obama a Sambo just doesn't seem all that staggering, does it?

Cuckoo for Cocoa

2008-08-22T15:01:00.002-04:00

Chocolate lovers: this one's for you.

Yes, you are seeing this correctly. A cuckoo clock...that spits out chocolate. On demand.

Firebox is selling this wonderful $40 ChocoClock online through their UK site, I assume because while those Britons "just gotta have it", Americans just don't want it that badly for forty bucks.

Their ad suggests:

This stylish retro-modern timepiece is a bit like a cuckoo clock but when its shutters open, on the hour every hour, it delivers a scrumptious chocolate treat to the tune of the 'Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy'. You then have 30 seconds to retrieve your reward before the clock snatches it back.

An ideal gift for the chocoholic with everything, the Chococlock is bound to become a must-have accessory for executive diet-dodgers everywhere. Simply fill it with your favourite bite-size sweeties (Maltesers, Revels, Minstrels, etc) and wait for the big hand to reach that magical number twelve.

For the weak-willed amongst you the Chococlock features a naughty but nice cheat button that will deliver a treat whenever you press it.

Okay. Let's face it. This is, easily, among the top 10 stupid products for the month. Why would I pay for a clock that dispenses chocolate - a clock, incidently, that i have to FILL with said chocolate - when I can just leave the box of chocolate open on my desk? How fat and lazy do you have to be, to want a clock that *dings* and presents you with a nice candy treat, every hour on the hour?

Do you really have such a need for a steady supply of chocolately goodness, that you need a device to set up an automated schedule for eating it?

I do like that the site is somewhat tongue in cheek, recogizing that if you're that much of a candy freak you're probably a moron - and they don't pretend to hide the fact that they're assuming you ARE a moron"

The Chococlock holds about 30 bits of chocolate, so assuming you resist hitting the cheat button you can sit gawping in anticipation for a marathon (or should that be Snickers?) 30 hours. Which is obvious, we know, but if you're loopy enough to sit by a sweet-dispensing clock for that long it's unlikely you can count.

It even has FEATURES, to protect you from yourself: a light sensor, to ensure that it doesn't dispense chocolate in the dark.

Because heavens forbid you should wake up to a small mountain of chocolate by your bedside.

I'm Ashamed To Be Black

2008-08-22T12:33:00.003-04:00

I know, on occasion, black folk can be extremely ghetto. Ghetto fabulous. Every year we get the prom photos, we hear about the tacky weddings, we get to see the thugs all blinged out in their run-down tenement apartments. We get morons who make deals for KFC in exchange for criminal confessions. I get it. I may not agree with it, I may even be embarrased by it. But I get it.

But. People. Come the fuck on. Sometimes ya'll just gotta step the fuck in and bitch slap somebody!!

This video...is disturbing. On many levels. Thanks Tammy for sending it to me, but I gotta tell ya...I almost didn't want to post this. It borders on kiddie porn, at the very least somebody's parents need get a serious slapping, those kids need to be yanked from their home, and frankly I'm fully convinced now that some people need to be LICENSED before they're allowed to have children.

When it comes to knowing what's good and bad for your children, there is a...no. No no no no. Fuck that shit. The line isn't fine, it's broad as an 8-lane fucking highway. There's just some shit you don't let your kids do, and you sure as FUCKING HELL don't videotape it and put it online! I'm convinced I'm going to hell just for sharing this shit - but since I'm going to hell anyway, fuck it; I'm trying to make a point, and just DESCRIBING the video will not convey how disturbing it really is.

I'm going to let you watch this video and decide for yourselves whether or not I'm right. Even though I know I am, but I don't need to convince myself of that - you need self-assurance, and I respect that. So watch, and form your own conclusion.

And when you're done, I'll have held your place on line behind me. Because I know there's a couple of parents you're gonna wanna slap the shit out of in about a minute.

They'll Have to Permanently Graft Them To My Face

2008-08-22T11:25:00.004-04:00

In New York, a fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.

Prince, in a song off his "Batman" album, had a line: if a man is considered guilty for what goes on his mind, then give me the electric chair for all my future crimes.

Book 'im, Danno.

All of this came about because a friend (thanks, Jasmin!) forwarded me a law she found in Texas, that requires criminals to give - orally or in writing - 24hrs notice to their victims, explaining the nature of the crime to be committed.

Can I get a WhatTheFuck, amen and hallelujah?

Can you picture this? There's a knock on your door; a man in a suit is there. You open it; "Hello, are you Mrs. Sanderson? These are for you." He hands you a sheaf of papers. In it are documents outlining someone's intent to rob your house. They specific the rooms they intend to burgle, the possessions they expect to find and take, and the damages they expect to incur to your property. The man in the suit - a process server - ask you: "Now, can you sign here...initial here...and here. And sign here." He hands you a copy, and wishes you a lovely day.

Does following the law then make the "crime" now legally sanctioned? Is the potential victim required, by law, to then allow the acts outlined in the notice to occur, or face penalities themselves? If the victim attempts to disrupt the criminal act, are they in fact then breaking the law?

Who the FUCK came up with this shit?!

The fun, unfortunately, does not end with Texas or New York. This wonderful country of ours is FILLED with stupid laws that, for whatever reason, have not been taken off the books and remain in effect to this very day. How stupid, you ask?

Well, why don't we go exploring and find out!

In Florida, an unmarried woman is prohibited from parachuting on Sunday or they risk arrest and/or a fine. Because God don't like spinsters, and sure as Hell doesn't want the Devil to see up their skirts as they come floating down to the ground.

A New Mexico law prohibits females from appearing unshaven in public. Okay, this one I can understand, cuz have you seen some of those Mexican women...? (joking! sheesh!)

In Pennsylvania, no man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife. Well Ted Kennedy's pretty much fucked then.

Washington, in an effort to prove they're better than Texas, has a law that makes it mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town. Where, I assume, they will be fined for speaking on a cell phone while operating a vehicle.

Ladies, take notice: in Arizona, it is illegal to have more than two dildos in a house. So, His and Hers? Hers and Hers? His and His?

Which isn't so bad, when you consider that in Georgia, ALL sex toys are banned. Which plays hell with the entire Georgian porn industry.

In Idaho, it is illegal to fish from a camel's back. Dammit, there goes my chance at Olympic gold in Camelback Fishing.

Speaking of strange animal laws, in Massachusetts no gorilla is allowed in the back seat of any car. I'm assuming this means it's okay for them to drive.

Occasionally, however, someone gets it right. In Rhode Island, any marriage where either of the parties is an idiot or lunatic is null and void. Which, were it to carry over into New York, would pretty much make everyone newly single.

http://www.dumblaws.com/

Officer, I Need It To Measure My Coffee Sugar

2008-08-21T12:01:00.002-04:00

I'm a gadget nut. I'm a guy, it almost goes with the territory - but I like finding odd little gizmos that inexplicably people line up to buy. However, there often comes along something that boggles the mind.

This little piece of 80's retrocity (is that a word? Who cares. My new name is Webster.) is called a WatchScale. It's a scale...for your wrist. For portable scaliness. Because I often have a need to measure the weight of things when I'm on the move.

I love the product page for this thing. Here is how they describe the "Key Benefits":

The first Pocket WatchScale® ever!
Because there was SUCH a void that needed filling here.
It's amazingly small, the smallest digital scale ever made (2008)
I'd have said "stupidly small", but hey, that's me...
Reads in Grams, Ounces, Troy Ounces & PennyWeight
That's good news for our friends in the UK, since I don't think anyone else actually uses a "pennyweight"
Protective-Cover doubles as an Expansion-Tray
...and why does it need a tray?
Stylish Leather Wrist-Band
I don't care if the band says Dolche, nothing could make this monstrosity "stylish"
Bright-Blue Back-lit LCD Display
Because when you're measuring things in the dark, this is really helpful
Your friends will gawk and say 'Holy cow!' when they see this amazing invention
More likely your friends will laugh and call you a geek.

Now...here's the thing. Because with me, there always is. I've been mulling this over and over in my brain, and I've come to a singular conclusion.

Is there anyone OTHER than drug dealers that would use something like this?

Seriously, isn't this like hi-tech for cocaine traffickers? "Hey man, lemme get a gram..." "Sure, let me whip out my handy Pocket WatchScale® and spoon out a perfect gram-size vial for you!"

What the hell would ANYONE else need this Dick Tracy-esque gizmo for?

Old women, measuring out their Equal for their morning tea?
Chemists who like to see what happens when they mix two powders while sitting on a plane?

How does a commercial for this product go? What do we get, some lab tech in a white coat, bemoaning the fact that his table-top scale is sooooooo far away on the other end of his work counter? "Oh lawdy, if ONLY someone made a smaller, more portable scale that I could carry with me alllllll the way over here?"

Cut to: a sudden flash, and a guy in a superhero caped costume appears. "Never fear, NerdGuy is here!" He flashes his wrist, and ta-da! There's a Pocket WatchScale®, ready for the lab tech to use!

"Thanks, NerdGuy!"

Somehow, I think this commercial would sell a lot better if they were just honest.

Scene: a dark alley in an urban neighborhood, deep in the inner part of a major metropolis. A car pulls up to a guy leaning against the wall. "Hey man...lemme get a couple of grams."

The dealer looks around, nods; walks up and hands the guy a vial. The driver looks skeptical. "Hmm. How do I know you're not shortin' me, bro?"

The dealer grins, snaps his wrist - and shows the guy his Pocket WatchScale®! "Check this out, hombre!", and weighs the vials on the scale.

The driver squints. "Man, I can't see JACK! It's too dark!"

The dealer winks. "Check this shit out!" and presses a button, lighting up the display with the handy LCD backlight.

The driver nods, smiling. "Fucking A, man!", and drives off happy.

Fade to black.

Hell, I'd buy one with a commercial like that!

His Darwin Award is Still Pending

2008-08-20T14:40:00.003-04:00

Kite Surfing, for those who aren't in "the know", is an "extreme" sport where a surfer uses a giant kite and the whims of the wind to propel themselves across the water. Naturally, the more wind you have - the greater the speed, and assumedly the more fun you have.

However. There are limits, people. Hence today's Darwin Award candidate.

To recap: the Darwin Awards are given to people who, through their own moronic acts of sheer stupidity, have done the world a great favor by removing their stupidity from the gene pool - saving the rest of us from having to deal with their potentially stupider offspring.

While I am not wishing any ill will on this person, if the fates should have their way he is a definite strong Darwin candidate.

26-year-old Kevin Kearney had a sudden inspiration - that Tropical Storm Fay and her 50mph winds, currently hitting the Florida coastline, would be the PERFECT time to break out the kite and board and head down to the beach.

He ends up getting flung across the beach and into the side of a building - fortunately for our viewing entertainment, it happened right in front of a local news crew. The video footage is a bit grainy and waterlogged, but they do a slo-mo rewind later and it's worth watching:

He's currently in critical condition. While I wish him well...just in case, his Darwin Award is on standby.

Is it Live, Memorex...or Something More?

2008-08-20T14:14:00.002-04:00

I've never been a big fan of CGI.

Let me clarify that. I do not believe that CGI can effectively replace the human element in film. While, with motion-capturing software, we can simulate the movements of the human body, we can create "skins" over these wire-frame models that give a very reasonable facsimile of the textures and blemishes of the human face...I have not been convinced, based on existing use, that a computer can mimic the subtle nuances of physical facial expressions to such a degree as to be believeable.

In 2002, Al Pacino starred in a fairly unknown film, Simone ("S1m0ne"), that sort of brought this point to bear. A producer, desperate for a hit and having had his star actress quit a film, finds himself in the sole possession of a piece of new technology that allows him to digitally create a synthetic actress (there's an oxymoron). The actress, Simone, becomes an overnight sensation - with a singing career to boot. She's so believable on screen, so talented - as guided by the director's technical manipulations - that everyone completely believes she is a real person, which of course causes problems for the director who has to explain why his actress is never seen in public.

I'd never really believed this could ever be possible.

Until - maybe - now.

There is a company called Image Metrics that does quite of bit of facial imagery for the gaming community. Their proprietary software does not use motion capture; instead they film an actor's face as they emote during a dialogue, digitize that face, and allow their software to analyze the nuances of the brow, eyes, and mouth movements as the person speaks. The resulting data allows them to then attach those motions to a digital character, allowing them to very accurately simulate human expressions. You can watch the promotional video here:

However. There is another video that could be potentially more mind blowing. Here is an Image Metrics spokesperson, going into more detail on the specifics of how far advanced they actually are in this process:

Once, Hollywood told us: you will believe a man can fly.

Now, maybe that man flying isn't a man at all.

Spandex Not Required

2008-08-19T14:50:00.002-04:00

It's mid-August folks, which means...

Only 73 more days until Halloween!! Whoo-hoo!

Yes, you heard me. Halloween. You got a problem with that?! Listen, if KMart, Walmart and every other goddamn Mart in this country can start putting up Xmas decorations in October, then I can damn well push my calendar up two months as well and start talking about Halloween in August. So fuck off, buzzkiller.

Anyway. As I sit here gleefully contemplating the upcoming holiday, I can't help but think back to holidays - and costumes - past. One year I was particularly brave and yes, Virginia, I did go with the spandex body suit. I at least had the decency to wear a black one, and I was in enough shape that it didn't look bad on me.

However. I am no longer in the shape I once was, and there is just no way in hell I'll be caught dead in a spandex bodysuit this year.

Just as importantly...neither should a bunch of you.

I've decided that this year will be the Year of the Superhero, in terms of costumes; maybe Year of the Comic Book might be better, as I'm sure the land will be filled with Batmen, Nurse-Jokers, Suit-Jokers, Two-Faces, Iron Men, Iron Mongers, War Machines...

But please. Don't go with the spandex unless you've got the figure to pull it off! Don't, for the love of god, be this guy:

As a public service, the following is a No Spandex Required list of comic book figures that will allow even the pillsbury-doughiest of us to walk proudly down the streets of Greenwich Village:

The Thing
The original wrestler known as the "rock". He's big, he's orange, he's covered in stone. Fat guys rejoice, this is styrofoam and spray paint project that might take you all of a couple of hours work.

The Hulk
Get green paint. Bathe in it. Be fat. Welcome to the Hulk costume.

Iron Man
Squeeze into tin can. Paint red and gold. Include flashlight, pretend it's a repulsor ray.

The Question
Brown trenchcoat, white shirt with tie, fedora, and tan pantyhose to pull over your face. Of course the real question everyone will be asking is...who the hell are you supposed to be?

Rorschach
From the upcoming Watchmen movie. Take Question costume above, substitute white pantyhose for tan, and splatter with ink blots. Outcome will be the same, no one will know who the fuck you are anyway. Nerd.

Robocop
Knock knock. Who's there? The 80s, they'd like you to forget they existed, thanks. Seriously folks, if you show up in a Robocop costume you're begging to be hit in the back of the head with a pipe. What, you couldn't afford an Iron Man costume?

Gambit
A card-carrying member of the Trenchcoat Brigade. Ha. Ha. Paint a big stick grey, carry a deck of cards. Fling them at people and yell "Boom!" a lot. Should win prize for Most Annoying Costume, Ever

Bizarro
Okay, so technically A) he's a villain, and B) he DOES wear spandex. But this is supposed to be a backwards universe, so add some pasty white makeup and be proud of your out-of-shape body, you Bizarro-stud you!

Ghost Rider
Leather jacket, spikes, and carry a chain. Get a skull mask, set on fire. Guaranteed to spook the kiddies, and best of all with all that burning rubber (...okay and hair, and flesh) they won't be looking to see what kind of shape you're in.

So you see? You do have choices. And even if your beer belly is large enough to hide a truckload of kegs inside, just imagine: this could be you in 2+ months:

Jesus Loves Me, This I Know

2008-08-18T17:35:00.002-04:00

Sometimes you come across a thing that is oddly disturbing, and you're not quite certain what to make of it.

In Boise, Idaho, there's a trial going on to convict Joseph Edward Duncan III, a 45yr old pedophile who abducted sexually abused an 8 and 9 year old girl and boy "after Duncan fatally bludgeoned the children's mother, Brenda Groene; their 13-year-old brother, Slade; and the mother's fiance, Mark McKenzie."

Absolutely horrible, and I hope this guy fries in a very painful way for his crimes.

What has me...a bit freaked, the obvious notwithstanding, was the artist rendering of the courtroom defendant.

I'm not making that up. That's the actual drawing by the courtroom artist, done during the trial.

http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5ih9PC1RGTMj8e36k8W6i70uxXGeQD92ILVEG0

WTF?!

Are you kidding me? I'm not even going to talk about his crimes. I'm upset at the artist. What the FUCK were you thinking, when you drew this? And it isn't the first, I've found others that are similar. I don't give a rat's fucking ass if he did grow his hair long, add a beard and sat there in prison robes...what the hell is with the yellow glow, and the peaceful look?

Seriously, is someone taking a good hard look at the courtroom artist's background? Because this fucker obviously has a jesus-complex about this pedo! How in the hell do you DRAW something like THIS about a guy who molests and kills a NINE-YEAR-OLD BOY...and not think to yourself, "Hmmm. Perhaps I've put him in too good a light."

Was this just coincidental? Or is this a twisted joke?

I'm not even a Christian, and I'm offended at this crap! What the hell, man!

This is some seriously creepy shit, that's all I'm saying. And anyone who draws a child molester to look like Jesus, well...I'd be checking his references, hard. Kna'mean?

Sibling Love

2008-08-18T15:00:00.003-04:00

Excerpts from an actual IM chat I had last week with my youngest sister. You gotta love 'em.

[11:46] monique: You should apply for a position with the village voice
[11:47] monique: and then buy me a car with your chump change because it was my idea. =)
[11:47] EricTrickster: I couldn't afford gas for the car, from a job at the village voice
[11:50] EricTrickster: why this sudden inspired suggestion?
[11:50] monique: because you write better than alot of these columnists out there
[11:50] EricTrickster: well thank you
[11:50] EricTrickster: but see, you said Village Voice and not the Times, the News...hahaha
[11:51] monique: you're way too vulgar for the times

When she's right...she's right! :)

Age Ain't Nothing But A Number

2008-08-18T14:54:00.000-04:00

All Washed Up

2008-08-13T11:36:00.003-04:00

I've previously criticized the waterfall displays recently put up here in NYC (only a few million dollars to do, mind you), mainly because I felt they look cheap and uninspiring. Nice concept, poor execution. I realize I'm in the minority, but all great thinkers and visionaries are, so screw you all. Nyeh.

But to drive the point home, there's a similar project on display in Fukuoka, Japan - in a shopping mall. The waterfall uses a computer to control hundreds of nozzles to precisely deliver water drops so that they fall forming a pattern... and that's anything from words to pictures. You'll be amazed, watching this video, at the level of detail they're able to achieve using falling water; it's a fantastic degree of precision.

And I watch, this, and go...

How much did we pay for those damn waterfalls again?!

No Bottle of Hennessey?

2008-08-12T14:55:00.002-04:00

New Yorker Tremayne Durham, 33, struck a plea bargain last month in which he was guaranteed a meal of KFC chicken, Popeye's chicken, mashed potato, coleslaw, carrot cake and ice cream - in return for pleading guilty to murder.

As part of the deal, and after receiving a life sentence this week in court in Portland, Oregon, Durham will also get a second feast, this time on an Italian theme, with calzone, lasagne, pizza and ice cream.

The judge, Eric Bergstrom, is understood to have accepted the bargain because it would save the state of Oregon thousands of dollars in hosting a trial and possible subsequent appeals.

The murder happened in June 2006 as a revenge killing. Durham travelled from New York City right across the country to confront an Oregon company from whom he had ordered a truck costing $18,000.

He had been intending to enter the ice cream business, but when he changed his mind the company refused to give him a refund on the truck.

In a blaze of fury, he intended to collar the owner of the truck company but instead came across a former employee, Adam Calbreath, and shot him dead.

Bruh...you just set the civil rights movement back 50 years. Why the hell couldn't you have asked for a nice filet mignon, scalloped potatoes, a bottle of wine...

No. Your country-ass had to ask for FUCKING FRIED CHICKEN, didn't you?! What, no grape Kool-Aid?! Maybe some watermelon to go with that to? What the fuck!

Goddamn it. You Toby-ass motherfucker. Damn I hate this crap. All it ever takes is one cotton-picking, nappy-headed dipshit to make the news, and that's all people will remember:

The negro who signed his life away for a chicken leg.

Crap like this makes me remember the Chappelle Show skit, in which they did the Racial Draft - the various races would lay claim to certain celebs, based on their race - perceived or actual. Whoopie Goldberg to the Jews, Tiger Woods being fought over by the Asians and Blacks...you get the idea.

I think on that, and wonder...

...can we trade? I'd rather take two Vanilla Ice's over this moron.

Choose Wisely

2008-08-12T13:27:00.003-04:00

Okay, this is taking the whole "Beauty and the Geek" thing a bit too far.

In a moment of complete serendipity, given that I had a near-identical conversation with a friend yesterday over this, I stumbled across a very interesting little bit of Fall television news.

Playboy TV (I only watch for the articles) is planning on launching a new game show, "Gadget or the Girl", where a male contestant gets to choose between a) an unknown piece of high tech gear, or a date with a playboy hottie.

Hmm.

Gidget, or gadget?
iPod or iPootang?
PS3, or Puss?
HDTV, or H.I...vicious, too vicious. Forget I just said that.

The show starts with the guy forced to choose immediately between three women, ditching one. The remaining threesome (hah! he should be so lucky) go on a date to get to know each other, and eventually he narrows his choice down to one woman. But then he has to decide between a gadget or a getaway weekend with the girl, with the possibly high-tech toys ranging from a 60" plasma TV to an arcade game machine.

In what sounds like Let's Make a Deal, though, the guy doesn't know what the gadget is until he makes his pick. And, to give the girl more incentive, if he picks her, she gets her own gadget.

So, let me get this straight.

The girl gets:
- a free three-way date, where she all but throws herself at the guy to get him to pick her;
- if chosen, a free mystery gadget (insert "batteries not included" joke here) of her own;
- if chosen, a free weekend romantic getaway with a guy she barely knows and will probably ditch as soon as she gets off the plane.

The guy gets:
- a three-way date, where two women will pretend to fight over him for the sake of television;
- a chance to choose between a gadget that may be a 60" HDTV, but will likely be an electric nose hair trimmer, or a date with a playboy hottie;
- if he chooses the hottie, he gets to spend a romantic weekend getaway alone while she makes out with the cabana boy.

Hmmm.

Not for nothing...but unless she's guaranteeing me some action (and I'd want video!), I'm going for the XBox.

Down, Rover

2008-08-11T17:03:00.003-04:00

First...the following video may disturb you. If you're anything like me, it will most certainly amuse you. I'm still wiping the tears from my eyes, from laughing so hard.

But I do have a question. Forgetting completely the poor child who was being violated by the dog, and the surrealness of it all...

...who was behind the kid, FILMING the entire event?

And not stopping it? WTF?!!?

This kid is squealing like a stuck pig (pardon the metaphor), and his Mumsy and Daddykins are chuckling behind a lens, watching this molestation happen. Somebody bitchslap them, please!?

Parents. This is why ya'll need to get involved, ya see? This poor kid will now be scarred for life, huddling up in the corner of his room, twitching every time he hears a bark. All because you wanted to get some film for America's Funniest Home Videos.

Fuck you, you retards.

This takes me back to my Prime Directive post of a little while back, about a penguin being assaulted by a seal.

People. Please. Drop the camera, step in, and you know...pull them apart, or something.

Geez.

God Save The Queen

2008-08-11T16:36:00.002-04:00

Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
A Message from John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Colony, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. [Note: go ahead, look it up. I had to.]

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you European cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $10 per US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is hardly played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An official from Her Majesty's Inland Revenue (i.e. tax collector) will be with you shortly to ensure the collection of all monies due (backdated to 1776). Until these are paid, there will be no representative government in the USA , in line with the policy: 'No representation without taxation'.

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups and saucers (never mugs), and with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

18. Some tea has gone missing, and we expect it back. We'll be searching Boston first.

God save the Queen

Let's Go [Insert Country of Choice Here]

2008-08-11T11:17:00.003-04:00

Assuming you're not some bear-loving wildman living in the Adirondacks where the closest to a television you've seen is your own reflection in a bedpan, you're probably aware that the 2008 Summer Olympics is taking place right now in Beijing.

First. Kudos to the Chinese, that open ceremony was spectacular, and the venues look great. But I gotta say, your skies make New York City's air look like it was imported from Iceland. I'm looking at the buildings, the architecture, and thinking...gee, it'd be nice if you could actually see them from further than 50yards away. Britons are wishing they were back in a London Fog, at least that gave you a little visibility. The last time I saw skies that clouded was in the movie The Fog, and there were giant insect monsters lurking out there.

Me, I'd be walking around with a big ol' can of Raid. I'm just saying.

But, the Games Must Go On, and so they have. And like quite a number of you, I've been sitting there absolutely addicted to everything the Olympics has to offer.

Why the hell am I sitting on my couch, absolutely glued to the set watching Korea vs. Poland in a soccer match when:
a) I have no goddamn idea who any of these people are;
b) I have no interest whatsover in the outcome of this game;
and
c) I don't even LIKE soccer!

And yet, there I am, on the edge of my seat with every out-of-bounds pass.

Water polo?! Why is that even a sport?! a bunch of guys splashing around in a pool, pretending they're playing hockey with a floaty midget basketball. With bathing caps on their heads.

I sat there watching the Women's 100m Butterfly, and thinking...why? gods, why am I watching this? Do I care about swimming as a sport? No! They're bouncing up and down like Flipper, I kept expecting someone to throw them a fish or hear them go "eh-eh-eh-eh-eh". But there I sit, watching like I know allllll about the sport, even going to far as to comment to myself "why's she not pushing off on the turn well?", or "come on, get more extension!" - WTF?

How is it we all become sudden experts in sports we've barely ever heard of, once the Olympics come around? Is there some genetic marker we've all been implanted with, that - by way of extreme example - will make us watch CURLING with the same intensity we'll watch a heavyweight prize fight? It's a rock, being pushed on ice. And guys with brooms, sweeping the path. God help me.

Ooop, I gotta run. Badminton's on, and I don't want to miss Venezuela vs. Poland.

Kitty At War: A Historical Perspective

2008-08-06T12:03:00.002-04:00

According to some, Hello Kitty's militant roots go back much further than Sanrio's so-called introduction of the innoculous looking cat back in 1974. A little investigation turned up two very interesting facts about HK:

1) Her roots appear to be Chinese in origin, not Japanese;
2) She's appeared as early as WWII, and perhaps even earlier according to legend.

LEGEND. There's a fucking LEGEND of the Hello Kitty.

Think I shit you?

Now...I don't read Chinese, but supposedly all the real info can be found here.

For all of you other gwai-lo's, here's the story of the Hello Kitty as I found it:

It was a story about a Chinese general back in the 1700’s who had many wives. One of the daughters of one of the lesser wives was distraught over never being recognized in their house. She ended up committing suicide. Now, the rest of the house was very angry at this because they claimed the girls room was now haunted…as they would often hear the dead girls voice calling to them asking if they wanted to play. To calm everyones fears, the General had a doll made in the shape of a cat, I think for good luck, and insisted that it not be given a mouth. The doll was to replace the ghost and without a mouth would not be able to speak any more.

My co-worker told me that this information is not unknown…but I begged to differ, as no web site I visited mentioned anything like this. She then went to her computer and showed my numerous sites that made mention to it…but being in Chinese, I still had no proof. Then we saw this site! The two images that I am including are taken from a World War II display case in a Southern province in China. The medal is dated as 1940!!! And was warn by an American soldier who died fighting the Japanese. Interesting yes!!!. Hello Kitty seems to have an earlier history than Sanrio

So. A ghost kitty with no mouth, suddenly resurrected and reinvented as a cute child's companion, and so pervasive it's now appearing on military weapons.

I don't see Mickey Mouse on M-15's.

Where's Bugs Bunny on grenade launchers?

You don't see them, do you? Why? Because...they're not haunted!

Forget what I said about Sanrio having world domination aspirations...well, then again - don't forget. It's being run by a GHOST, dammit! A ghost who wants revenge!

Why else would it suddenly appear during WWII, then vanish...only to appear years later, in Japan of all places? Because it knew the Chinese didn't have the power yet...it needed a stronger weapon.

Japanese toy manufacturing, and the Japanese obsession with all things cutesy.

It's truly an insiduous ploy, almost sinister. Dr. Evil has nothing on this cat!

You laugh. But in another decade, when you see an American President's young daughter carrying a Hello Kitty doll to the stage to watch her father be sworn in...think back on this and remember.

It's now *that* closer to The Button.

Kitty Gun & Ammo

2008-08-06T11:50:00.004-04:00

I had to continue with this, only because I found more fuel for the fire.

First: the rifle is not a photoshop job, it's absolutely real. Frighteningly enough. Here's an article on it:

A gun supply shop in Wisconsin is painting and decorating guns to look like children's toys, and many police officers are concerned.

"If somebody points it at an officer, he could hesitate," Bryan Soller of the Arizona Fraternal Order of Police told CNN, "in which case he could get shot or, even worse, the officer could react and take the life of a child."

Sgt. Manny Mendoza of the San Bernadino County Sheriff's Department in Barstow, CA warned that "now we’re at the point where anything that looks like a gun, no matter what color, is considered a firearm, and we will act accordingly to defend ourselves and the public."

Jim's Gun Supply of Baraboo, Wisconsin, which boasts on its website that "we adhere to the highest legal and ethical principles in the conduct of all aspects of our business," primarily offers the customized guns in camouflage patterns. However, it also provides a selection of items in shocking pink, including one with a Hello Kitty logo on the stock, as well as other garish and historical replica designs.

The DuraCoat product used on the guns was originally designed to prevent corrosion. There have been concerns in the past that it could be used by criminals to make real guns look like fakes, but these candy-colored designs that might prove irresistible to children create new worries.

The owner of Jim's Gun Supply, Jim Astle, defended his business in a statement to CNN. "Over 75% of them are law enforcement," he argued. "They're buying them for their wives so they'll go to the range and shoot with them. ... Paint doesn't make it any more deadly than black."

There is a video on the site from CNN.com, broadcast February 19, 2008.

Kitty's Got A Gun, And She's Not Afraid To Use It

2008-08-05T23:36:00.002-04:00

Okay...I'm not even sure what the purpose of this is, but what the hell:

A Hello Kitty AR-15 Automatic Assault Rifle.

This is not a toy, folks. This is a fully functional lightweight, air-cooled, magazine fed, autoloading, centerfire shoulder-fired rifle. That spits pink bullets.

Is Sanrio planning on taking over the world? Is this the first stage in their all-out assault? Is there a secret army of plushies out there, armed with these things? "You can never have too many friends", says the Kitty...

...or does she? Is this a recruiting ploy? Is she just the vanguard for the rest of the militia? Are Chococat's whiskers really picking up satellite transmissions? Are we going to be scanning the skies for squadons of Cinnamarolls, dropping paratrooper Badtzmarus?

Beware, parents. Those talking dolls might be whispering in your child's ear, even now.

2007 Darwin Awards

2008-08-05T19:51:00.002-04:00

Named in honor of Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, the Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool by removing themselves from it. Usually in a very, very stupid manner.

Case in point:
December 9, 2007, Indiana. Russell, 19, had a grudge against a semi truck abandoned on a rural property. And Russell was not the silent, brooding type. He was a man of action. He built a gunpowder and propane tank bomb, attached a timer, planted it in the moldering truck, and retreated to a distant vantage point to wait for the fireworks.

And waited.

And waited, until he could wait no more. No boom? This was not right. Why was nothing happening? Russell approached the stubborn truck--just in time for an up-close-and-personal look at a cloud of rapidly expanding incandescent gas.

So long, Russell. It's been a blast.

22 November 2007, New York. Joe, 20, was drunkenly driving through Wayne County farmland in upstate New York. With the utmost of inebriated care, he steered his car directly into a ditch and knocked over a power line. Oops! How could he rescue his car from the ditch without getting a DUI?

Eureka! He'd steal a nearby farm vehicle, and winch the car out himself. So he aproached the nearest farmhouse, managed to start a tractor, and motored over to the scene of the accident. Then with the utmost of inebriated care, he then proceeded to drive the tractor - several tons of conductive metal - directly over the downed, exposed power line.

*zzzzzzzzzzzzzt!*

Goodbye Joe. Hello Darwin Award.

June 24, 2007, Colorado. After smoking marijuana and liquoring themselves up at a popular party spot in Routt National Forest, a group of teens decided that it would be fun to leap and cavort on an oil tank.

The energetic gyrations of the dancers caused fumes to leak from the relief valve, and "there were several ignitions sources," according to the sheriff. People were smoking, and there was a bonfire nearby. One of these ignition source sparked a "flashdance" and the crude oil storage tank exploded, hurling two men 150 yards to their deaths.

Do you think they were dancing to "Stairway to Heaven"?

January 10, 2007, East Germany. A 63-year-old man's extraordinary effort to eradicate moles from his property resulted in a victory for the moles. The man pounded several metal rods into the ground and connected them - not to household current, which would have been bad enough - but to a high-voltage power line, intending to render the subterranean realm uninhabitable.

Coincidentally, the maneuver rendering the surface of the ground uninhabitable as well, electrifying the very ground on which he stood. He was found dead some time later, at his holiday property on the Baltic Sea. Police had to trip the main circuit breaker before venturing onto the property.

Rumor has it they figured out the time of death by looking at his electric bill later.

September 12, 2007, Florida. A woman wins two concert tickets from a local radio station and invites her friend to join her.

Fast forward to the night of the concert; it's 8:30pm and pouring rain. The show is delayed. Deciding to leave the concert venue, they purposely pass multiple free shuttle buses that run directly to the parking lot. Instead, they opt for a shortcut across a 7-lane Interstate.

The two women run a hundred yards through wet grass and torrential downpour, and jump a six-foot fence that borders the road.

Ahead of them now are: 3 lanes of freeway traffic, a 100ft median, and another 4 lanes of traffic. Beyond that is another six-foot fence, the maze of an 'under construction' garage, and a long hike around a casino.

All in all, the 'shortcut' to their vehicle covers a distance of half a mile through dangerous terrain. In the rain.

Go back and take the free shuttle bus, or mad dash across 7 lanes of traffic?

The first vehicle struck the women at approximately 8:30 pm. Oddly, this was in the VERY FIRST lane of traffic, on a straightaway where one can see headlights for miles in either direction. The impact hurled the women farther into traffic, and each was struck by a second car. They did not survive the collisions.

Should have saved the slam dancing for the concert, ladies. Here's your award.

These next two HAD to be grouped together, for reasons that will become obvious:

July 28, 2007, Czech Republic. A pack of thieves attempted to steal scrap metal from an abandoned factory in Kladno. Unfortunately for them, they selected the steel girders that supported the factory roof. When the roof supports were dismantled, the roof fell, fatally crushing two thieves and injuring three others.

June 21, 2007, Philippines. Three entrepreneurs planned to profit from stolen scrap metal. They entered a former US military complex and approached the prize: an abandoned water tank. Bedazzled by the potential upside, the three threw logic to the wind, and began to cut the metal legs out from under the tank. Guess where it fell? Straight onto the thieves. Their flattened bodies have not yet been identified.

Great minds think alike, huh? Personally I think they were playing a giant international game of Jenga. You both win; here're your prizes.

April 4, 2007, Germany.Near midnight, a 49-year-old man attempted to impress his wife with his unbelievable strength. He climbed over the balcony of their 7th floor flat, clung to the outside of the parapet, and began a set of pull-ups. After a few pull-ups, which were undoubtedly impressive to his wife, his sedentary lifestyle began to take its toll. His muscles lost strength, and he was unable to lift himself back onto the balcony. He eventually fell seven stories (eight if you include the ground floor) and impaled himself on a thornbush.

Get the point?

And to finish off the list in style:

June 20, 2007, South Carolina. A passing cabbie found a 21 year-old couple naked and injured in the road an hour before sunrise. The two people died at the nearest hospital without regaining consciousness. Authorities were at a loss to explain what had happened. There were no witnesses, no trace of clothing, and no wrecked cars or motorcycles.

Investigators eventually found a clue high on the roof of a nearby building: two sets of neatly folded clothes.

Apparently the couple decided to climb up on the roof of the building - the pyramid shaped building - to have sex, slid off (I'd make a lubrication joke here, but it's way too obvious) and plummeted to their deaths.

Not exactly practicing safe sex, were they?

Is It Something In The Water?

2008-08-05T14:23:00.002-04:00

Hot on the heels of the Subway 911 Caller comes this:

TAMPA, Fla. - A second Florida man has been arrested on charges of making false 911 calls in as many days. An arrest report says 47-year-old Carlos Gutierrez was at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino early Monday and called 911 to say the slot machine stole his money. The report says Gutierrez left the casino to place a second 911 call to say the same thing.

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He was arrested and charged with making a false 911 call. He's being held with no bail set.

Seriously folks...what exactly ARE ya'll drinking down in the everglades?

Somebody Get My Nightstick

2008-08-04T17:01:00.002-04:00

Okay, yes there have indeed been way too many instances where police have gone overboard in subduing a felon. However...sometimes, a person is just asking to get their ass kicked. Case in point:

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. - The sauce for a spicy Italian sandwich was apparently a must have for one Florida man. The man, Reginald Peterson, called 911 twice after a sandwich shop left off the sauce.

Peterson initially called the emergency number Thursday so that officers could have his subs made correctly, according to a police report. The second call was to complain that police officers weren't arriving fast enough.

Subway workers told police that Peterson, 42, became belligerent and yelled when they were fixing his order. They locked him out of the store when he left to call police.

When officers arrived, they tried to calm Peterson and explain the proper use of 911. Those efforts failed, and he was arrested on a charge of making false 911 calls.

Out With The Old

2008-08-04T02:01:00.002-04:00

Some of you more observant readers may have noticed that my archives have magically grown, considerably.

Before I joined the ranks of the blogspot elite, I was...a Myspace junkie. Yes, I admit it and I'm not ashamed; I'm over it, and now I host weekly meetings to help others deal with their self-abusive behavior.

However, during that shameful period I did quite a bit of blogging over there. And I realize...I don't want to lose those thoughts. I've looked for ways to easily import those files, but there aren't any.

So I'm manually doing it, one by one.

I grabbed a few from 2007, then skipped backwards. I'm nearly done with 2005. But it's somewhat gratifying, not only going back to see things I've written years ago, but also to know that in just a day or so I'll be able to completely delete that MyGhettoSpace page and forget it ever happened.

It's nothing personal against Myspace, but let's face it - it's a hookup spot, or a kid's hangout. Often both, which is really creepy but I'm just reporting the facts. I have no reason to be there other than to check up on my younger cousins who love the place, and while I do love them...I can't look at their profiles anymore. I can't believe how hoochie they can be, it's...disturbing.

But hey, they're young and allowed to be. So it's ME that needs to step out of the room, and let the kiddies have their fun.

Vita Soy, It Good For You (repost)

2008-08-04T01:19:00.001-04:00

This post is actually a re-post; I was clearing out my old myspace-blog archives moving them to this site, and decided that this one was worth sharing again. Enjoy.

originally posted 11/30/05

Joking around with a friend the other day about a particular picture she recently took, I thought I'd poke a little fun at her and blazon the image with all kinds of japanese ad slogans and cartoon characters.

Well I got a little sidetracked from that plan when I stumbled across a site where two ugly Americans (are there any other kinds?) decided to taste, test and review various Asian soft drinks. Several seconds later I'm still looking for the intenstines I laughed onto the floor somewhere; needless to say, I had to share some of their reviews!

Disclaimer: None of the opinions expressed in the following are representative of the views held by Fried Monkey, Trickster Studios, or any of the poor fools chained to their desks under the guise of "working" there. Meaning me. But the opinions are funny as shit, so have fun reading them.

Basil Seed Drink with Honey
If the can on this drink hadn't expressly stated it was a "drink", I would never have believed it. It even shows the stuff in a bowl on the side of a can. I identified the flavor as banana. I thought maybe basil seeds taste like banana. But I just read the ingredients and the final line is "banana flavour added." At first I was amazed that the basil seeds seemed to float serenely and evenly throughout the drink rather than collecting at the bottom. It was only after I tried it that I realized they weren't floating in anything, they were stacked one upon the other. I can only imagine enjoying Basil Seed Drink is exactly like enjoying a jar of frog eggs.

Milkis
Ah, "Made in Korea", as the can claims, but I wonder...which Korea? For would not North Korea develop a seemingly innocuous, citrusy, foamy, "tastes like kids aspirin" taste sensation in order to entice heretofore U.S. citizens into consuming an "allied" beverage - brewed from spooge? I just bet they're snickering all the way to Pyongyang at the Imperialist Americans. But granted, it didn't taste bad. Not "good", but not puke enticing. By the way, my notes read: "Foamy white." Sounds like manjack to me!

Grand Western Grass Jelly Drink
Drinks ought not to have flesh in them. Seems rather obvious, except to Taiwan. "Wrong" permeates this thing like stink on colon beef. I hate to repeat my cohort in the defense of the World Against Crazy Asian Drinks, but it tastes like flat, lukewarm cola with chunks of gelatin. Chunks-of-gelatin. As you swallow, the chunks invade your mouth, march upon the gullet and occupy your stomach where they celebrate until you upchuck. This drink is very nearly a declaration of war by Taiwan on the Land of the Free and the Home of Coca Cola, and I think we should respond. With big guns firing.

Pearl Milk Tea
I think this drink looks much worse than it tastes. Canned tea isn't my cup, but it certainly isn't on par with Grass Jelly Drink - yet. Chin Chin Brand obviously didn't expect people to look at the stuff. I mean, doesn't it look like someone ate a can of bad corn, then filled their mug with a juicy burst of diahrrea? I wonder if there are fine-dining establishments in Asia that serve this thing by the glass? You'd never know from looking at Pearl Milk Tea that it's just a too-sweet, non-refreshing, slightly disturbing drink filled with grody balls of dough.

Pocari Sweat
Pocari Sweat is easily the most well known Asian drink we've had the displeasure to taste. Hundreds of letters have poured in: "Dude, them's some sick drinks - but have you tried Pocari?" Well we have, and here we go: Are you an athlete who enjoys the taste of semen? We've found the sports drink for you! Japan's version of Gatorade, Pocari Sweat is thick, salty, sweet - and looks like a sumo wrestler wrung out his diaper moisture into a glass after a day of slapping his belly against other dudes. Worse it smells like thos chemicals you're not supposed to sniff, like ammonia.

Shirakiku Soft Drink
I'm not an expert translator, but I have heard Japanese, been to Tokyo and watched Pokemon - so I think I'm qualified to say "Shira Kiku" means "Butt Chrysanthemum" in Japanese. I'm not trying to imagine how these ass flowers are harvested for pre-drink production, even as I admit it was the best tasting drink of this batch. The package shows kids playing soccer and it did seem like the sort of treat given out mid-game with orange slices. "Watashi! sukoro goro! Moru ass furower, purise!"

Yeo's Soya Bean Drink
Beans. Screams "thirst quenching", doesn't it? It stank like day-old barf, baking in the sun. Had it been the 10th drink of the day instead of the first, I would have puked just from the smell. My body already quivering in anticipation of a good retch, I forced myself to choke down a sip and immediately triggered the gag reflex. "Oh Jesus no!" I scremed before all went dark, dark, dark. I awoke some hours later on the floor. The others were standing over me, pointing, laughing, and zipping up.

(this one was so good, I had to post a second review!)

I've never considered distilling my grandfather's underwear into its pure essence and packaging it in a can for ingestion - but apparently some Malaysian named Yeo did. Popping the top on this thing was like sweeping the dust from the top of a bookshelf into your sinus cavity. It tasted like liquid cardboard.

Cheon Yeon Cider
This so-called "cider" (yeah, right) did have a nice, seemingly innocent can. The drink itself looked like mineral water, harmless enough, or so it seemed. But for christ's sake, it went down like rubbing alcohol! And what the fuck is "carbonic acid gas"? It can't be good. Jesus this shit hurt me. I thought my burning nose was going to fall off into my glass. After I finally stopped wincing in pain, I detected the faint taste of chewing gum, which was somewhat nice.

Chaokoh Young Coconut Juice with Jelly
I'll need a psychotherapist to wipe the memory of my big swallow of Young Coconut Juice with Jelly, gagging on the taste and the bombardment of endless jelly bits against my teeth and tongue. Being hetero, I can't be certain - but I'm pretty sure this drink was like gay sex. I believe the name of the drink is just an error in translation - it's probably really called Young Coco's Nut Juice with Semen.

Chrysanthemum Drink
An open letter to Tommy Thompson, US Health and Human Services Secretary: In the interest of saving civilization, please determine if "Permitted Yellow 5" is permitted and, if the next listed ingredient, "Yellow 6", is even a color. We, leading experts in Asian bioweapons/drinks, suspect it is the urine of Vietnamese political prisoners and prostitutes who must drink the piss of their wardens and pimps, then piss the piss, whereupon the repissed piss is then canned and sold as a drink (read: bioweapon) to the West.

Shirakuku Ramune Drink
Ramune Drink, with the coolest looking bottle EVER, had more warning labels plastered on it than an episode of Jackass. Don't swallow small parts! Don't damage your eye! Don't remove the marble - yes, MARBLE - that floats around in the bottle. It took so much effort to open, and the directions were so fucking complicated, that we needed refreshment by the time we were finally able to get the thing open. Unfortunately it tasted like someone had added powdered sugar to carbonated water.

Non-Carbonated Soft Drink
The heart of a hero beats within me, for I have met - and consumed - evil itself, and though I now lay in my deathbed, anguished and fevered, I survive long enough to save humanity from it's false promises. Non-Carbonated Soft Drink is indeed without carbonation, but then, great lies begin with little truths. It's not soft, it's grainy and fiberous. Its not a drink, but is as thick as shit (taste tests conclude that ass-mass may be its one and only ingredient).

40 Questions

2008-08-04T01:01:00.003-04:00

I don't know why I fill these things out, but what the hell right?

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?
Yeah, those bastards.

2. Do you close your eyes on a roller coaster?
Why, I'd miss all the fun!

3. When's the last time you've been sleigh riding?
Ah've naugh bin onna sleigh in many a year, laddie!

4.Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
Depends. Do they snore? Is there B.O.?

5. Do you believe in ghosts?
More importantly, do THEY believe in ME?

6. Do you consider yourself creative?
I define it, baby!

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?
If the glove don't fit, you should'a convicted the bum anyway!

8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?
Uptight "America's Sweetheart" or kinky sex kitten? Hmm, tough choice...

9. Can you honestly say you know ANYTHING about politics?
You don't have the security clearance to know everything I know. And technically neither do I, but I have well-placed friends. So there.

10. Do you know how to play poker?
Yes. Yes I do. But I'm really getting sick of this Texas Hold'Em fanaticism.

11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
At that point, who's actually counting?

12. Did you just make up Question 12 just now because it was missing?
Wow. This question feels so existential.

13. Do you hate midgets?
No, I have this recurring dream where I'm in a massive sexual orgy with dozens of them.

14. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around you, do you run the red light?
Depends on where I am. Damn traffic cameras.

15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?
Ohhhh yeah. Shh.

16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?
I bleed pinstripes. Bizzatch.

17. Have you ever Ice Skated?
Yes I Have Ice Skated. Why Are We Talking In Robot Voice?

18. How often do you remember your dreams?
Usually, every morning. ?!?!?

19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried?
I have to think about that one. Can I phone a friend?

20. Can you name 5 songs by The Beatles?
I tried, got bored, quit. No.

21. Do you despise the person that absentmindedly left out Question 21?
Another existential question. Do I hate someone I don't know, for doing something I didn't know that they did? Yeah, fuck that bitch.

22. Do you believe in love at first sight?
I believe in lust at first sight.

23. Do you know who Ba-Ba-Booey is?
Is he related to Bo-Bo-Bobobo? (Betcha Howard doesn't get that joke)

24. Do you always wear your seat belt?
Yes.

25. What talent do you wish you had?
I once heard that John Holmes could tie his penis in a knot. I don't want that talent, that's for sure.

26. Do you like Sushi?
Tastes great, less filling.

27. Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident?
Let's think about this one. If you narrowly avoid a FATAL accident, doesn't that imply that you were actually in a near-fatal accident? I mean, how else would you know it could have been fatal?

28. What do you wear to bed?
...wear...?

29. Have you ever been caught stealing?
Define "caught". I've been found out, held - but not kept. Does that count?

30. Does size matter?
If it echoes, I'm not going in there.

31. Do you truly hate anyone?
I'm ashamed to say yes, and if I were to see this person today I'd likely end up in jail.

32. Rock and Roll or Rap?
Joan Jett said it better than I ever could.

33. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?
I have slept with a famous person. But then she woke up and had me arrested for breaking and entering, criminal trespass...

34. Do you know anyone in jail?
This implies a current incarcerated status, in which case to my knowledge: no.

35. Have you ever sang in front of the mirror like your favorite singer?
Nope. But then, my favorite singer is Prince. And that would be just too embarrasing.

36. Do you know how to play chess?
Knight to Bishop, check.

37. What food do you find disgusting?
Stinky tofu. And you asians out there know exactly what I'm talking about - anything that smells that bad and that strongly that I can smell it before it comes out of the kitchen, should not elicit a response of "mmm-mmm good!"

38. Did you ever play, "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours"?
Yep. 6th grade. Almost got me expelled :)

39. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?
Behind their back, in front of them, next to them...

40. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew?
On occasion

41. Have you ever been punched in the face?
Yep.

42. When was the last time you threw up from drinking too much?
About a year ago. Here's a tip: don't starve yourself all day, go out for sushi, then hit a bar where you know the bartender and they start making up drinks for you all night. Ugh.

Letter To A Friend

2008-08-04T00:57:00.000-04:00

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me at all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

I've Got A Segway And I'm Not Afraid To Use It

2008-08-01T18:27:00.002-04:00

JACKSON, Mich. - It wasn't exactly a high-speed pursuit. A police officer riding a Segway arrested an 18-year-old Jackson woman early Tuesday morning for drunken driving.

The Jackson Citizen Patriot reported the woman's car was going at least 40 miles per hour when it was spotted by an officer riding the police department's new battery-powered upright transporter around 4 a.m.

The Segway tops out around 12 1/2 miles an hour, so the officer was only able to catch up to the woman after she stopped her car. He conducted field sobriety tests and made the arrest.

But a Segway can't fit two, so he called for a patrol car to take her to jail.

I gotta ask...

What the fuck was the officer thinking? The woman's car was doing 40.

His Segway on a good day does 12.

What in the NAME OF GOD possessed him to rev his handlebars, and "speed" off after her in "hot pursuit"?

Where the hell were the fools with the video cameras on this one?! God, I'd have killed to watch this film! I mean hell, if I were there I could probably have jogged alongside the officer, filming his grim determination to chase down the perp.

It's like those horror movies, where the girl is running all-out, leaping over tree roots, dodging boulders...

...and the killer is just lumbering along, di-di-di, hidey ho, gonna catch you anyway.

Seriously, am I the only one hearing cartoon music in the background reading this? I can actually visualize it! Film: close up, on the cop's face. His teeth are set, his jaw tight, you can see the angry veins popping out from beneath his bicycle helmet.

Pan back, the muscles on his forearms are bulging as he grips the handlebars tight, his body leaned juuuuuuuust slightly forward as he wills his body to move, move, move!

Pan further back, you see the streets whipping by as he speeds along...on his segway scooter.

Cut away to woman in car, people flying as she collides with them, steering wheel spinning madly.

Cut back to cop on scooter. Vroom vroom!

Cut back to car, doing 100mph, leaping a bridge span under repair.

Cut back to cop on scooter. Meep meep!

Maybe she was driving a Smart Car, that would explain it.

Th-th-th-that's all, folks!

(Don't) Use The Forks, Luke

2008-08-01T18:10:00.002-04:00

*** WARNING ***
The following image is intended for Geeks only, specifically Star Wars Geeks ("SWG"). If you are NOT an SWG, management is not responsible for any resultant geekage that develops as a result of viewing. If you ARE an SWG, please be advised that management is not responsible for any heart attacks, asthma attacks, or any other detrimental health reactions.

You have been warned.

Star Wars Lightsaber Chopsticks.

Fuck me with an Ewok, if this ain't the shit.

Sorry folks, but no idea where to get them here in the States; of course they're only out in fucking Japan. But when they get here...ooooooh yeah, baby. Gimme some vroooom vroooom with my spider roll, please, and yes, these are the dumplings we're looking for.

Gods help me, but I WILL own a set of these. Two sets.

Fuck you, you know you want them too.

But Will She Do Windows?

2008-07-31T15:16:00.002-04:00

As I've pointed out in previous posts, the sex-bot-for-sale is not that far off into the future. Well, as it happens...it may be closer than I thought.

WowWee, the company who brought us the Robotdog, the Roboraptor, and the Robosapien toy line has now introduced...

The Femisapien.

Their name, not mine.

This robot "toy" is, of course, interactive. As their video shows, you can teach the Femisapien to do all kinds of neat tricks. Now, what interested me the most about this video wasn't so much the fact that Jamie Sommers may have her nightmare come to life again (it's a Fembot joke, for the kiddies out there) - but the language in the instructional video. It's...disturbing, when taken out of context. As I'm about to.

As they demonstrate how to get Femisapien to operate, they narrate the following - and I'm taking down the text verbatim, word for word:

First, put her in learning mode by tilting her head downwards. Then show her what you want her to do by gently moving her limbs.

I've seen this video, I think it was called "Daddy Does The Babysitter", or somesuch.

Tapping her once on the head makes her go back to the default position. When you're done, simply tilt her head upwards out of learning mode to finish.

Okay baby, that's enough now, I don't want to blow my load too soon...

The hand gesture interface is a great, easily remembered shorthand to make Femisapien do her most commonly used functions.

*SLAP!* B*tch, didn't I tell you to have my dinner ready when I got home?!

Femisapien has a rich library of other movements and behaviors. The secret to accessing this library is a four-point joystick interface.

Oh yeah, you like this don't you! Don't you!

You wouldn't know it just to look at her, but inside of each of Femisapiens stylishly tipped hands is a small joystick that can move in four directions: forwards, backwards, inwards [!] and outwards.

*.....bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....*

I'll press her left hand inwards. Watch as the LED mounted over her wrist lights up when I do so. This means, she has felt The Touch.

Hahahahah I swear, I'm not making this stuff up!

There isn't time in this video to show you all of her cool behaviors and tricks, but there are some that are too much fun to leave out.

Coming Soon: Femispapiens Gone Wild II, Silicon Valley

You can watch the entire video in-context, here:

Hate The Game

2008-07-31T13:11:00.002-04:00

Okay, so since I drunkenly brought the subject up, I should run with the ball anyway and address...playahood.

I've been at times (and I think very unfairly) called a playah. Usually by guys who think the simple act of being able to speak to a strange (i.e. previously unknown, not freaky) woman qualifies me for the position.

More importantly, very few women have slotted me into that category (to my knowledge). So...this brings up the issue of what, exactly, is a Playah?

Guys view it as a double-edged sword, don't we? No one really wants to be defined as one, but hey - if you're gonna call me one, well why should I be upset? It's a badge of honor, it raises your standing in the male hierarchy. It places you at the opposite end of the spectrum from The Loser, which in anyone's definition is something you do NOT want to be close to being.

But women...I don't know a single female who says the word playah with any degree of admiration or kindness. It's spat at you, with venom; at least the Loser is only looked on with disdain, if looked upon at all. The Playah is lower than The Loser, akin to The Scumbag, The Douchebag...

You get the point.

So what does the digital community have to say about it?

From Yahoo! Answers:

(Female): "being a player is not a good thing that is just someone who sleeps with alot of people and has no regard for that persons feelings and is looking for no commitments whatsoever so my advice if you come across a player run run as fast as you can."

(Male): "Playah implies creating physical intimacy and intensity that is contrary to the expected level of emotional, communicative, and other common supports."

(Female): "A playa is someone who has sex with multiple partners and is obviously a doofus. Makes me think of guys with chains. "

From AssociatedContent.com (a male writer):

"If I had to define the term, I think I would define it as related to a male who is portraying himself as wanting an exclusive long term relationship. But in reality, he is only out for some sex and will be trying to do the same thing to multiple women at once without the others knowing about it. It seems that a player is undesirable from a woman's viewpoint."

From Suite 101, a dating guide (a female writer):

"Players hate making plans because they feel something better may come along. They may hesitate to give you an answer until they get closer to the date and can safely say they have nothing better going on. Or, they simply refuse to commit and leave you hanging until the last possible minute."

"Players leave a trail of people behind them. Sometimes these folks can’t get the hint and try and hook up with your partner again, or sometimes they’ve been burned so bad they immediately become angry upon seeing your partner. Your partner may fail to introduce these folks, but even if he or she does they may ignore you or treat you poorly. If your new love seems to know a lot of "friends," and they’re all of the opposite sex, take note."

From DatingCanSuck.com (a male writer):

"While chatting online to some friends (and yes they are just friends), as i was talking to more than one, my 13 year old son said to me, “dad, you are a player”. This was a bit of a shock to me. It is true that I do date a variety of ladies, and some non ladies, LOL. However when I want to date just one person I do so. Anyway, I have never considered myself a player."

Okay, so this was pretty inconclusive. The only bit of continuity is that being a playah involves dating a lot; the jury still seems to be out on whether you have to actually sleep with those women or not to earn the title.

So, lacking any kind of public definition - I figure hey, let's turn to the experts at BecomeAPlayer.com, and see what they have to say how How To Become A Playah!

I gotta tell ya...I didn't even know where to begin with this website. It's like being 10 with a pocket full of cash, and being alone in a giant candy store. This thing has everything from advice to rules on playahood, to seduction tips...it's Cosmo for Men.

Of course, the best place to start: The Players Rulebook. Cuz if we're going to define a playah, we should get into the mindset, right? I won't repeat them all, but picked a few of note:

SMILE. Remember to smile constantly; while your talking, while your listening, while your doing just about anything. I can not stress this rule enough, smiling is the most powerful weapon in any player's arsenal. It let's the women know that your probably a fun guy to be around and someone they would like to know or be involved with. This single rule alone can improve your success with women by over 100%, use it wisely. Smiling builds comfort and rapport with women, which are both necessary aspects of seduction and will be your downfall if they are neglected. However, don't overdo your smiling and walk around like your face is stuck that way, it's creepy. Smile enough to be viewed as approachable and likeable, but only in appropriate amounts.

Okay, I'm guilty of this, sure. See someone cute, you smile - you don't have to approach, or say anything, but yeah it gives notice that I think you're cute, and if you return the smile and look back, I'll know you're interested.

While gaming a woman, constantly repeat her name, it will be like music to her ears. For example "Stop trying to seduce me, Jill... I know what you're up to!" instead of "Stop trying to seduce me... I know what you're up to!" To further amplify the potency of this technique, you can even pet name your target, which will create a stronger connection between the two of you and allow you to "stake your claim" on her indirectly.

Ouch. Guilty as charged. Yes, I have and still do this. I didn't realize it was a playah-technique. I'm ashamed.

Okay not really. But I feel like I should be, given the subject.

Always compliment women and they will always feel good about you, but don't overdue it or they will think your just trying to score points (which you are, but you don't want them to know that). Try to sound sincere and give her a unique compliment that most people will overlook. Once you've gotten comfortable with complimenting women in general, the next step is to begin giving them negative compliments (negs) in order to disqualify yourself as someone that is trying to pick them up. By doing this, you will have a non-threatening presence from then on and will be able to game her from a much more powerful position. The basic form of a neg is a positive followed by a negative, for example "I like the color of your shirt, but it fits a little funny on you... is it too small?"

Oy vey. Do you hear that whistling sound? It's my cred dropping from the sky at 5,000mph. What's wrong with complimenting them? And yes, I DO give honest criticisms mixed with compliments when asked...isn't that just being a friend? Damn.

Never say "How about giving me your number?". Always use something like "I'd like to talk to you again, is there a number I can reach you at?". This always produces much better results because she must avoid saying "no" or she will sound stupid because that will mean there is not a number she can be reached at. It also makes you more original than every other idiot that asks for her number. Another great approach is to simply hand her your cell phone and tell her (don't ASK her, tell her) to put her number in it. The first example is an open-ended way to ask for her number, while the second is a forceful way to get her number. Both are equally effective so experiment around with them to find out which you prefer using

.
Hah! See, I'm NOT evil! I don't ask for numbers, I give mine instead! This way they're not put off, and if they're interested enough they'll return the favor, saving me the effort...of...um. Of having to ask for it. Hmm. Can someone please, um, take this shovel out of my hands before I dig the hole any bigger?

Quit worrying about what to say next and focus your attention on listening. She will give you leads as to what she would like to talk about, in essence, telling you want to say next. For example: you say "How are you doing?" she says "I got a 50 cent raise today, but then I got a flat tire on my way home from work, so I guess I'm doing ok". She just gave you two leads that hint at what she is willing to talk about, all you've got to do is pick one. You can either choose to stroke her ego: "Cool, you probably deserved the raise" or tease her "Well, how did you earn the raise (while staring directly at her tits and smiling playfully)".

See now, this is just wrong. Listening and paying attention is wrong now?! Come on, dammit! This is unfair! I'm being mislabeled! Miscast! Mis-something, fuck!

Okay. So maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.

These are not the droids you're looking for. We can go about our business. Move along, move along.

The Mega

2008-07-31T11:17:00.000-04:00

I would like to thank Blockhead's for adding the mega to their margarita sizes. Saves me the effort of needing the waitress all the time, when I can just go for it in one big shot.

Sometimes You Just Gotta Not GAF

2008-07-31T00:07:00.002-04:00

First, let me start by saying: if you are offended by anything I may say in this post, if you THINK you MIGHT be offended by anything I MIGHT be about to say...walk away.

Why?

Because IDGAF.

What is IDGAF? Well for one thing, it's an acronym I don't suggest trying to type while drunk. As I am. Currently. My backspace key has never seen so much work.

It's the I Don't Give A Fuck defense.

Case in point. Tonight, once again, I've been accused of playah-tendencies. Now, let's be clear: I do not consider myself a playah. I, perhaps, in comparison to several friends, may be considered for playah-hood - but to me, I do not qualify.

However, in a moment of drunken honesty, I will admit that I do have tendencies towards the playah-persuasion.

First: I have to say, bravo to Blockheads, a tex-mex dive here in NY. While I fully and wholeheartedly applaud their $3 plain margarita special, which is every night of the week all night...I give a standing fucking ovation to their new Grande and, very specifically, Mega versions of the drink. $9, and after the first I had quite the buzz.

After two, well...that's the subject of tonight's (this morning?) post.

What defines playahood? Is it simply the ability to transcend your natural fears and, with no intention of actuallly following through (unless it's THAT easy) talking up some random chick and getting play from it? I mean, if that's all it is, well...I guess I should get my membership card register, right?

Because after a drink (or two, or three), well...the good ol' IDGAF starts kicking in, and woe behold anyone nearby.

For example. A waterbug/beetle/flying cockroach decided to pay a visit to a couple sitting near our table. The girl - young 20s, blond, freckled - exactly NOT my type - decided she no longer wanted to sit near her date, until said bug disappeared. She got up, and stood near our table.

Well, being the intoxicated gentleman I am (and immersed fully in IDGAF mode), I invited her to sit.

It didn't take much effort at all to find out that she's here from Florida, where she works, and who her date was. As, I should mention, the poor schmuck sat there at their table waiting for her to come back. I don't apologize for it; she came to us, I invited her to sit, she sat. He's lucky she's not my type or I'd have made out with her out of spite, but whatever.

She eventually went back, and the poor fool got up and left to go use the restroom. Which was, in my eyes, a moment to find out what was really going on.

They were, indeed, on a date. He was a co-worker. She wasn't sure it was a good idea, but fuck-all if she wasn't on the date anyway. A friend in the group did seem interested, so...do I encourage him, or ignore the chippie and move on?

Anyone who knows me, knows I couldn't resist.

Guy comes back. I had to get involved, find out what was going in - so I ask him, point blank - what's the deal, why hasn't he kissed her yet? He admitted (why the fuck he's even talkiing to me and not trying to kick my ass, I'm not sure yet, but that's what IDGAF attitude gets you) that they did kiss, lightly, TWO DAYS AGO, but he's not sure now.

Are you fucking kidding me?

The girl asks my friend if he could take a picture, and nice that he is he obliges. They take a nice generic photo of themselves.

Fuck that shit.

Of course I get up like I'm Martin Scorcese and it's "no, no, no...that's not acceptable!" I pose them, making them actually (gods forbid) TOUCH each other to take a photo. Lean in, hug her, put your arm around her you yutz!

Here's the amazing part. They listen, and do what I say. Click, click, photo done. A few minutes later, you can't pry their lips apart.

Why the fuck did they need my intervention? Geez, if you're that hot for her....they spent way too much time caressing faces, touching hair...

Look dickwad. If she's letting you put your grimy, sweaty hand on her face and lean in close to talk to her...you need to shut the fuck up at this point and just go for yours.

If she pulls away, you misread the signs and well, sucks to be you - but at least now you know.

Here, she OBVIOUSLY wanted it (although I should mention, I did ask while dumbass was in the restroom -and she admitted she was annoyed he hadn't made a move yet). And yet...I still feel like anyone with an outie, rather than an innie, had a pretty good shot.

Too bad I'm not into blondes.

Our waitress on the other hand...yowza. Obviously had a man, obviously knew how to flirt just enough...loved it.

God I needed a night like tonight!

So Does She Get Comped For the Return Ticket?

2008-07-30T12:46:00.002-04:00

This article came courtesy of the newly-iPoded Tammy:

Delta says body found in plane's restroom

ATLANTA - Delta flight attendants found the body of a 61-year-old woman in the restroom of a plane that landed in Atlanta early Wednesday morning, a spokeswoman for the company said.

The crew noticed the restroom was occupied on final approach, spokeswoman Keyra Johnson said. Flight 950 from Los Angeles landed at 5:51 a.m., and Delta officials have not said how long the woman may have been in the restroom.

Atlanta police were notified and met the plane at the gate, Johnson said.

The body was taken to the Georgia Bureau of Investigation Crime Lab in suburban Atlanta for an autopsy later Wednesday, said GBI spokesman John Bankhead. Authorities were awaiting the results to determine the cause of death, Bankhead said.

Authorities have not released the woman’s name.

Atlanta police stationed at Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport respond to calls about dead bodies on airplanes a couple of times a year, police spokesman Officer Eric Schwartz said.

Quick question: does her family pick up the body at baggage claim?

I know that was wrong, but fuck you it was funny. I know you laughed.

This shit's happened before. In 2005, on an American Airlines plane from Toyko to Chicago, a 66yr old man was found locked (and deceased) inside the bathroom, 2 hrs after the plane landed.

Two hours.

I guess each time the cleaning crew passed by the locked (and supposedly empty) bathroom, they just saw the "occupied" slot, shrugged, and kept going?

Aren't they supposed to do a seat check? I mean, what exactly are those flight attendants doing when they walk past, pointing and mumbling to themselves, if they're NOT counting passengers? Figuring out whose luggage to lose? Picking people to randomly add to the homeland security watch list? Playing duck-duck-goose?

How the fuck does someone disappear from their seat on a flight, and no one notices until they find the body?

And oh-oh-oh, the fun doesn't stop there, folks! See, here in America we'll just lose the body and forget you exist. In Britain, of course, they have to be all proper and polite about it.

In March of this year, on a British Airways flight from Delhi to Heathrow, a woman in her seventies died in her seat in economy class. Note: she, unlike us savage Americans, had the DECENCY to pass in a proper way, not on the toilet like some aging pill-popping, white-sequined rock star.

Apparently this caused her frequent flyer miles to kick in, or the airline had a special going where dead passengers get all kinds of great perks, because the flight crew then carried her dead body from economy to first class, where they sat her in a nice, comfy, leather seat, propped her body up with pillows...and left her there next to her grieving daughter.

Which sucked for Mr. Paul Trinder, aka Dickwad, who "was catching up on sleep when he was woken by a commotion and opened his eyes to see staff manoeuvring the body into a seat."

“I didn’t have a clue what was going on. The stewards just plonked the body down without saying a thing. I remember looking at this frail, sparrow-like woman and thinking she was very ill,” said Trinder.

“She kept slipping under the seatbelt and moving about with the motion of the plane. When I asked what was going on I was shocked to hear she was dead.”

The woman’s daughter and son-in-law arrived soon after and began grieving. Trinder said: “It was terrifying. I put my earplugs in but couldn’t get away from the fact that there was a woman wailing at the top of her voice just yards away. It was a really intense, primal sound.

He put in his earplugs. What a guy; ladies, don't pass this one up!

It gets better.

He became particularly concerned about the state of the body. “When you have a decaying body on a plane at room temperature for more than five hours there are significant health and safety risks,” he said.

I don't know what he's talking about, personally; I mean, she's dead - what health risk is there for her? Don't worry Paul, she won't catch your cooties.

After the plane landed, those in first class remained on board for an hour before police and a coroner gave the all-clear.

“The police even started interviewing me as a potential witness, although I had no idea what had happened to the woman. I just kept thinking to myself: ‘I’ve paid more than £3,000 for this’,” Trinder said.

When contacted by BA about the complaint, Trinder says he was told he would not be compensated and should “get over” the incident.

I'd have loved to have been there for that. Or been the one to tell the fuckwit to get over it.

Paul's insensitivity aside, it does still beg a question: what DO the airlines do when a passenger decides he or she has had enough of the bad service and worse food, and decides to die in protest?

At least this woman got a seat. On an American Airlines flight from Haiti to New York, a woman died after complaining that she couldn't breathe, asking for oxygen, and being told no by the flight attendant. Her body was then moved (read: dragged) to first class, where it was laid (read: left) on the floor and covered with a blanket.

Out of sight, out of mind?

Singapore Airlines has introduced “corpse cupboards” on its Airbus 340-500 aircraft. The airline's new fleet of Airbus A340-500 aircraft boasts a discreet (discreet?) locker next to one of the plane's exit doors which is long enough to store an average-sized body, with special straps to prevent any movement during a bumpy landing.

So...by discreet locker...you mean...a coffin?

They put coffins by the EXIT doors? Because, I guess, if the plane's going down...

...why not let the people who're ALREADY dead go first?

Because Sharing is Caring

2008-07-29T00:03:00.002-04:00

This generally goes against the grain for me, but I'm tired and in a sharing mood. Plus I've had people who've wanted to see something I've worked on, so I guess I can give up a hint or two. This is barely an excerpt, but it'll do - at least, as a tone-setter. And I think is a good intro to the character. It's about half of what I wrote tonight, which admittedly I need to finish retyping from my notes - did I mention that I was tired?

Title: none of your business. You won't need it to take in the tale. But for the sake of argument, let's call it The Hunter for now. A novel in progress.

Have fun.

I hate Chinatown.

It has nothing to do with the people; I like the people. The people are smart. They know how to keep their mouths shut when people come around asking questions; they know how to be blind to things happening directly in front of their faces. They can, when needed, so convince themselves that something so blatant, so obvious to anyone with a pair of eyes, actually didn’t happen that they feel no remorse telling anyone who’ll ask that nothing happened, because in their minds, it’s an unshakeable truth.

The people in Chinatown know how to survive. I can appreciate that. No, what I hate is this goddamned neighborhood they live in.

Forget that it smells like a fisherman’s outhouse in the summer heat; there are other parts of Manhattan that smell worse, and don’t need a day baking in the New York sun for the stench to make you lose last week’s lunch.

And let’s ignore the way the streets twist and turn into each other, angling sharply down one way and ending at a brick wall like some medieval hedge maze. These streets weren’t so much designed, as they were thrown together, with no regards for logic or common sense. There are streets down here that last all of one or two city blocks, and if you make a wrong turn down a wrong alley you’ll need a compass and flares to help find your way out.

Of course I exaggerate, but I’m making a fucking point here. Deal with it.

No, what I hate about Chinatown is that there’s just no place for a guy like me to blend in. Either the streets are too small or I’m just too big, I don’t give a fuck; all I know is that every time I come down to this part of the city I stand out like a goddamned hooker at a Catholic Christmas mass.

Yes, I’m a pretty big guy; three hundred pounds and just over six feet of well-earned muscle will get me that description, sure – but there are plenty of guys bigger than I am, and they’d love to prove it to you. And yeah, I’m about a hundred shades of black darker than the darkest person down here, but again – so fucking what, it’s New York. Bruthas work these streets like cockroaches on a kitchen counter, either selling or buying knockoffs at prices that’ll even make the Jews on 48th sit up and take notice.

So if I ain’t the biggest, and I ain’t the blackest, then why the fuck is it each and every goddamned time I have to come to this part of town, everybody’s staring at me from the side of their faces like Jesus Christ came down, landed on my forehead and said “boo!” to them?

Casper tried to explain it to me once. Some people, he said, are just naturally more in touch with all that supernatural shit than others. I can walk around on Riverside Drive like I own the whole fucking park, and people will pretend to ignore me because they see what they expect to see – a big, scary black man. And this works for them because I’m something they know how to deal with – by crossing the street, like if they so much as make eye contact with me I’ll end up molesting their daughter. That’s normal for this city.

Not in Chinatown, he says. No, these fuckers are old-school – they’re barely a boat ride removed from all that ancient shit, and they have this way of noticing crap that others won’t. Not just noticing; seeing. Seeing stuff that may or may not really be there, stuff that either scares the hell out of them or fascinates them so much they can’t take their eyes off it.

Like, apparently, me. Except when I ask that little shit Casper what any of that crap has to do with me, he smiles that shit-eating little “I know something you don’t” grin of his and clams the fuck up for the hundredth time.

Personally I think it’s his shit on me they’re smelling, and they don’t quite cotton to the scent of it. He’s the one whose got them spooked, except they can’t quite get past me to see it’s him.

Did I mention that Casper is my personal ghost?

Yeah, hah hah, big joke. Okay so he’s not a ghost; I’m still not sure what he is, exactly. He swears up and down a stack of Bibles that he’s my own personal guardian angel, and if I was stupid for that Jesus shit I might be inclined to believe him. No, I think he’s some deeply buried psychosis, an imaginary friend from my childhood who just doesn’t know when his time is up. He’s definitely been around long enough that it makes some sense, but if I try bring it up with him he starts in on this wailing and whining and I end up with a migraine and a nosebleed, so I don’t even bother anymore.

Real or figment, Casper’s saved my ass too many times for me to just ignore him completely; maybe he’s my sixth sense, maybe I’m really totally bonkers - but rubber-room material or not, he’s way too useful to me. So I make a point of not taking the pills the army docs prescribed, and I throw away the letters the shrinks send me reminding me how overdue I am for a session with them.

But forget all that. None of that does a thing about explaining what I’m doing walking this smelly, cobble-stoned maze of a neighborhood at damn near midnight on a Tuesday, when any sensible New Yorker is at home right now curled up in bed watching Seinfeld reruns.

It’s because I’m on a hunt. And the things I hunt don’t usually keep nine-to-five hours.

Yeah, I can hear it now, “oh god, here we go again.” Been there, done that, seen the movie and the tv series and the spinoff with her ex-boyfriend too. Do I carry a special sword, or have a crackpot team of professionals on my payroll standing by with all the latest gadgets and weapons?

Well fuck you, my name ain’t Van Helsing and if vampires exist, I’ve never seen one. I carry a shotgun, two handguns and a whole bunch of knives. Maybe a hand grenade or two. Or three, if it’s a good day.

Why?

Because in my experience, a shotgun blast to the head from about five or six feet away is more than enough to stop anything that comes at you. If Count Chocula came after me, it’s gonna be pretty damned hard to sink his fangs into my neck with his head blown the fuck off. And if by some lucky chance the sumbitch does manage to get up? Well, the ol’ boomstick’s got two rounds for a good reason.

Leave all the fancy moves to the cheerleaders on tv, that’s my theory.

What most people who don’t live in New York don’t know, or don’t want to know, is that in too many ways the city really is just a jungle with light posts and traffic signals for trees, and blacktopped streets in place of rivers. If you don’t know what to look for, the things you’d better be aware of that hide in the dark alleys and ride the potholed streets behind tinted windows; if you don’t learn how these things hunt, and respect them for the beasts they are, this city will swallow you whole. And if your family is really lucky, your bloated carcass might just come floating to the surface of the Hudson in a few weeks, with your face intact enough for them to identify your body at the morgue.

On the other hand, I could write an entire set of encyclopedia volumes on the things that hide even deeper in the shadows of those alleys and sewers, things that even the average New Yorker won’t admit is out there, watching. Waiting.

Waiting for what? What the fuck do you think, dipshit?

Do you really think that hundreds of people go missing in this city each year because they just moved out of state? Or that the police department has dozens of unsolved murders each month, because there’s some genius killer on the loose who they’ve yet to find enough evidence to arrest? Do you think the human vermin you see on the 11 o’clock news is responsible for all the things that happen when the lights go down?

This cesspool of a city, just like all of her sisters around the world, is crawling with monsters.

Don’t even think of laughing; just don’t. I learned a long time ago just how real these things are, and at the same time discovered two very important things about myself.

One is that I’m very, very good at finding and killing these things. I once tracked a really nasty goblin-like thing through about three hamlets outside of Frankfurt in Germany, finally trapping the little shit in a badger den it thought it could hide out in. I’ve gone down sewers, subways, caverns…hell; I even once climbed a radio broadcast tower chasing after this baboon-like thing running around just south of Texas.

Which that leads me to the other thing I found out about myself. Because when I finally got my hands on that monkey-chattering fucker, I didn’t even bother with the knife or gun; I just squeezed with my hands until I popped his windpipe, and watched the life wash right out of him.

And it felt good. I mean really good.

Let’s be clear about this: I enjoy hunting these things down. When I’m on a trail of a particular nasty, it’s like I really come alive – my skin tingles, my senses are sharper than you could possibly imagine. I feel stronger, faster than anything on the planet; I’m a true predator, a hunter.

THE hunter.

And you know what? If I didn’t have these things to hunt down, these things that lie in the darkness and plot ways to snatch your child from its crib because it wants to see how tender Little Timmy’s fingers will be in its nasty little mouth, if these boogeymen and trolls and nightmares didn’t exist…

I’d probably be hunting you instead.

More Than Words

2008-07-28T22:19:00.002-04:00

I'd forgotten just how much I really enjoy words. Writing, specifically, but words in general.

When I was young - my sister had just been born, so I would have been seven years old - one of my favorite books was The Voyages of Doctor Doolittle, by Hugh Lofting. It's the second in a series by him of the good Doctor's adventures, but I never read the others. Still, this one volume was easily a good two inches thick, and provided me with more than enough reading material to saturate my young, fertile mind.

I don't know if you can imagine what it was like, for me as a child, to read these fantastical adventures of this pudgy, amicable old man who could remarkably talk to animals. His parrot, Polynesia; the monkey Chee-Chee, the pig Dub-Dub...as stupidly childish as these names are, I didn't care - it was the stories that drew me in, the adventures they had together!

I wanted nothing more than to ride in the shell of the Giant Glass Sea Snail; I wanted to go to Spider Monkey Island, and I wanted to know what the jabizri beetle really looked like. I laughed at the confusion of the Pushmi-Pullyu and the antics of Bumpo the Prince, and yes by golly I wanted to know the mystery of what happened to the great naturalist Long Arrow!

I didn't just love this story, I craved the fantastical adventures it took me on. I must have read and re-read the book a hundred times, and the musical made from it was, and is, always a favorite of mine.

I knew the places it took me too weren't real, but I didn't care - in the pages of that book, I was a world traveller. Even the people in the book refused to believe in the places Doolittle described, but in the end they existed; he was right, they were wrong, and I was right there with him to share in the adventure. The stories, for me, were euphoric; I could, and did, literally find myself lost in each page, flipping them with heated anticipation of what would come next.

I bring this up because I remembered, tonight, how good words - writing, specifically - make me feel.

It's easy to forget things like that. In my case I could blame work, and life, for keeping me so preoccupied that I didn't stop to just enjoy the jumble of consonents and vowels, of verbs and nouns and conjunctions that swam around inside my brain looking for a way out.

And there were quite a few of them.

I tend to write, a lot, in my head; sometimes I'm not completely aware of it. But at times, I find myself sitting and picturing a scene in my head; one that connects to something I've jotted down on one of dozens of note pads, that has some bearing on a story idea that I just haven't felt is ready for paper. The scene comes together like a movie being played inside my skull; I can see each action, and when something doesn't feel right I become a director, yelling "cut!" and telling the actors to try again, only this time...

You get the idea. It's visualization, except I'm taking images and putting them to words. I don't know if other people write this way, but it's how my brain works - and since I'm comfortable doing it that way, I don't really care how others do it. So there.

Tonight, I felt an old itch. I needed to write. So instead of eating at home, I sat down at a local bistro, a blank notebook open on the table and a pen in hand. Nearly three hours later, I looked up from the table - food consumed, but not eaten; beer drank, but not tasted - and smiled, exhausted. I had to force myself up from the table and back home, some 12 handwritten pages of text clutched tightly to my chest. The words had just poured out of me, like a dam that had been full to overflowing; of course, they'd need some cleanup later, but damn! it felt good, just writing so freely again.

Sometimes I look at the world of technology today, and I wonder if tomorrow has a place for words. We spend our days communicating on keyboards that fit in the palm of our hands, we use a shorthand language that I worry, one day, our kids or their grandkids will come to believe is the norm of the English language.

Is the written word dead, as we know it? Does it take a Harry Potter for a child to read, or are the children only reading tales of Hogswarts because their parents are the ones secretly obsessed? Do their sons and daughters only glance at the books, preferring instead to wait for the collector's DVD edition?

I'd like to believe that there are still kids out there, six and seven and eight years of age, who each spring look with anticipation for the summer book clubs, much as I did. That they pour over each book offered for discounted sale, hoping to find something that will transport them over the summer to magical places, to lands never before touched by human foot.

I want to believe that somewhere, right now, there is a child wishing she, too, were riding in the shell of the Great Glass Sea Snail. That there's a boy without a Gameboy, without an iPod, sitting curled up on a bed with a nightlamp by his side, his hands clutching a storybook and his eyes wide with excitement as he reads each line, his mind already transporting him to the lands described in black and white.

And there's a very small, secret part of me that hopes that one day, it'll be my name on the cover of that book.

The Evolution of the Superhero Movie Into Cinema

2008-07-28T14:34:00.002-04:00

I promise you, up front, that this won't be yet another fan-boi gushfest over the Batman: the Dark Knight movie. But it does play a large factor in the point I'm about to make.

Rehashing what I've said before, comic books in the 80s suddenly transformed - evolved, I think, is a better word. They were no longer targetted at the 12 and under crowd, but in fact suddenly they became the sole domain of the adult male. Certain lines dispensed with the old "comics code" seal of approval, decided that the world no longer needed its comic books censored. There are those who scoff at the term "graphic novel", and argue that you can dress a comic book up all you want, it's still ridiculous characters in spandex doing impossible things for your children't entertainment.

These are people who, I'd argue, haven't sat down and actually READ a true graphic novel.

Besides Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns, there was another book - coincidently also put out by DC comics - that reshaped and redefined the world of superheroes as we've known it. Whereas the Dark Knight gave us a brutal, determined, darker version of Batman than we'd ever even imagined...Alan Moore's "The Watchmen" gave us a larger view of what life could have been like for superheroic beings, given more of a human personality. While in many ways they were no less superheroic...in far more ways, they were much more human that what we were used to.

Like the gods of Greek mythology, Moore's heroes were flawed beings; unstable, egotistical, lacking self confidence...damaged, in so many ways. They were cynical, dysfunctional people who, while well intentioned, were - like the rest of us - subject to their own humanity. Or, in the case of a few, a lack of humanity.

I mention this because I can't help but notice the parallels happening in the movie industry. I'm not putting down other superhero movies at all; I enjoyed Spiderman 2, the Hulk, and raved over Iron Man. They were comic books come to life, and I was pleased to see them brought onto the screen - and done well.

But. The Dark Knight, like it's namesake graphic novel, changed what it means to be a superhero movie. It's hard to argue that the very nature of the movie, its production, transcends the typical comic-book based film. It isn't cartoonish, it's grounded in a gritty, humanistic reality that forces you to accept it as a film, as cinema. It's art, and halfway through it you've accepted it as a very good, if not great, addition to the action film genre.

And now, along comes The Watchmen - and the comic book movie comes of age.

I'm personally thrilled that they have not chosen to water down this film for the sake of the uninformed public. The Dark Knight was PG-13; Watchmen is set for an "R" rating. It promises to keep certain scenes from the story which I anticipate will shock the first-time viewer, much as they shocked the reader of the graphic novel when it was first introduced. Watchmen is not a children's story; your son will not want to grow up to be the Comedian, or Rorscharch - and in fact, you will pray they don't. Dr. Manhattan will fascinate you with his lack of humanity, while simultaneously repulsing you with the same. And you will hope that your daughter's life does not emulate the Silk Spectre's.

You will lose sight of where the line is drawn between hero and villain...and that is exactly the point, that there are no absolutes when dealing with the human condition. Heroes are still human, and subject to the same flaws that both mark us, and define us.

I don't know if Watchmen will be a great movie; it certainly has the potential to be. The graphic novel - or, if you insist, the comic book - to this day remains the only one within its genre to find a home on Time Magazine's 100 Best English Speaking Novels (2005), and won the Hugo Award for Best Science Fiction/Fantasy novel.

A comic book.

Movie Review: The Dark Knight

2008-07-20T17:00:00.003-04:00

In 1986, Frank Miller helped to redefine the comic book world with his opus, The Dark Knight Returns. It took the Batman character that we'd all grown up with and, well...evolved him. Or perhaps, devolved him into the true essence of what he was intended to be - a dark, brooding, avenger who walks in the shadows and strikes terror in the hearts of criminals. He took away the bright colors, the upstanding morality, and enhanced his core personality of a man whose goal is absolute justice, and the eradication of criminality. It was dark, twisted, brutal...and we loved it.

So, too, goes this second installment in the reimagined film adaptation of the Batman.

The Dark Knight lives up to it's title in every way imaginable. All vestiges of the Tim Burton version have been eradicated, leaving us with a Batman who lives in our world. Gone are the comic book images, the campy villains; whereas Batman Begins was a reintroduction to the character and explored the psychological mind of a man who is driven to avenge the streets, the Dark Knight gives us his mirror twin - his opposite, and yet in many ways his doppleganger. The Joker.

No one can deny that Jack Nicholson's Joker was a wild, uncontrollable nutjob that evoked a sense of giggling, manaical madman from the old television show - but with a certain ruthlessness that brought us more to the psychopath from the comic books. It was a great performance by Jack.

Heath Ledger absolutely blew him out of the water. This Joker will haunt your nightmares, his laugh will make you flinch in the dark. This is the Joker from the comic novel, the Killing Joke; the one who crippled and debased the crimefighting daughter of Commissioner Gordon, and who used the images of that debasement (and possible defilement) in an attempt to drive Gordon mad - simply for the sake of proving that good men CAN in fact, go bad. This is the Joker who, for no reason other than the twisted joy of the moment, beat a helpless teenaged Robin to a pulp with a crowbar, then proceeded to blow him up. Not out of a sense of revenge, or anger...but for the excitement of it.

Ledger has managed to capture the dangerous insanity of the character and transform himself, almost unrecognizably so, into the perfect foil for Christian Bale's dark knight. They have become the classic anti-hero and psychopath villain, the latter driven to his evil schemes for no other reason than to frustrate the former, the former driven to the brink of madness in an attempt to understand and defeat the mind of the latter. They are yin and yang, opposite and yet intertwined - just as they should be.

Cillian Murphy makes a surprise appearance here, reprising his role - however briefly - as the Scarecrow. Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman Gary Oldham return in their roles as Alfred, Lucius Fox and Gordon respectively, and Maggie Gyllenhall turns in a nice performace in replacing the elfish Katie Holmes (although her interrogation as ADA of a suspect bordered more on seductive than tough).

Aaron Eckhart, by contrast, turns in a powerful performace himself as District Attorney Harvey Dent. Throuout the movie, Dent is Elliot Ness - he's unfraid, determined, as obsessed with cleaning up Gotham City as Batman. He's the Daywalker to Batman's Nightmare, doing in front of the cameras and the people what Batman does from the shadows.

The following is a spoiler alert, so if you're completely unfamiliar with the Batman mythos and stable of villains, you should stop reading here.

When Dent is scarred, when he is betrayed (or believes so) by the very system of Justice he'd spent so much time upholding...his fall is hard, and absolute. His metamorphasis into the aptly named Two-Face...you cannot imagine the sheer terror he evokes, simply by the scarring of his face. He is on the outside just as he is inside - a man divided, of two minds and two souls; he embraces the anthesis of everything he'd believed in, and becomes that which he'd fought against - a monster, bent on the destruction of everything moral and just.

They become an interesting combination - the Joker, a creature of whim and lacking any sense of morality or ethics, and Two-Face - a monster who bases each action on chance, no longer believing that humanity is capable of following a true and just path and using the flip of a coin to decide his next action, whether good or evil.

If there is a critcism to make, it is that Bale's voicing while in the costume comes dangerously close to annoying. His overly done rasping and growling works in short does, but when trying to speak more than a paragraph of words you realize how much of a strain it is for him to maintain it, and maintain it trying to keep in character. I would prefer they use, within the storyline, electronics to mask his voice rather than asking Bale to emote while trying not to cough.

Overall: this is not a movie for children, and I would highly recommend leaving any child under 10 at home. This is not a comic book, this is a graphic novel in movie form. You will sit capitvated, on the edge of your seat; you will jump at places as if you're watching a horror movie, you will laugh at the Joker's antics even as you're simultaneously horrified by them. Your heart will race at the fights, at the decisions our heroes are forced to make - or not make.

And at the end of the two and a half hours, you will lean back - exhale deeply - and smile, having seen what is quite possibly the best comic book movie to date.

He Said, She Said

2008-07-18T12:19:00.002-04:00

Dave Barry is one of my favorite satirists, and some time ago he wrote a piece outlining the differences in the way women read a conversation, and the way men read it. It's been recycled hundreds upon hundreds of times on the web, but I felt like reposting it. Just because. So if you haven't before...enjoy.
-----------------

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
Read full entry
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ......

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . . Oh, I feel so......"

(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:

"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

Scooter Patrol

2008-07-18T10:57:00.003-04:00

I remember the very first time I saw a police officer on a bicycle, and I gotta tell ya: I honestly didn't believe there could be anything more emasculating. Cops in biker shorts, wearing bicycle helmets. On bicycles.

Now before you get all huffy, it isn't just me - it's internal to various PDs as well. In Lubbox, Texas - now come on, it's Texas, you don't get more of a manly-man's image than a cowboy cop - here's how they rank the officers in the field, based on their transportation (go look on the website, it's true!):

Patrol Division
They get the cars, which is really convenient for picking up hookers off the street. And they have a really, really big back seat. Also convenient, once you've picked up the hooker and need to find a quiet alley to interrogate her.

K-9
They get SUVs, and dogs. Which again, add in the hooker element and we're selling tickets in Mexico.

Motor Unit
It's ChiPs, cops on motorcycles. The Hells Angels of the police force.

Mounted Patrol
Cops on horses. Akin to Canadian Mounties, and they get just about the same level of respect. Which isn't much.

and then...just a step above the LAST rung, which are Public Service Officers (aka 911 desk jockeys)...are Bike Patrol. The Pedal Police.

I didn't list them that way, folks, the Texas cops did.

So what's the point of all this? I saw an image today that would make the Pedal Police stand up proud, knowing that on the other side of the world are cops more laughable than themselves:

Cops on Segways.

The Chinese Government, in efforts to step up their Summer Olympics anti terrorist operations, are rolling out (pun intended) a series of strategems, including...police troops on Segways.

Now. I don't know about you...but I can totally see the effectiveness of this. Because, were I a notorious bad-ass criminal mastermind and saw a hoard of cops cruising down the streets of Beijing at me (at a top speed of 12.5 mph, roughly twice the speed at which i can walk. Or less than the speed at which I can run)...

...I'd fall down on my ass laughing hysterically, at which point they'd eventually catch up to me as I tried to crawl away and lock me up.

They should broadcast a little Steppenwolf during a scene like this photo, because it would be SO approbo!

Get your motor runnin'
Head out on the highway
Lookin' for adventure
And whatever comes our way
Born, to be wild...i-i-ild!

You know what's next, right?

Cops shredding the rails. Think I'm crazy?

Dude. A donut shop bro? Totally trippy.

Klatuu, Verata..um...Necktie?

2008-07-17T17:50:00.004-04:00

Holy walking corpses, Batman, I'm in hog heaven over this one (thanks, Tammy!)

This is a true article, folks. Straight from the BBC news herself:

Cambodian Troops Quarantine Quan'sul

There has been a small outbreak of “zombism” in a small town near the border of Laos in North-Eastern Cambodia.

The culprit was discovered to be mosquitoes native to that region carrying a new strain of Malaria which thus far has a 100 percent mortality rate and kills victims in fewer than 2 days.

After death, this parasite is able to restart the heart of its victim for up to two hours after the initial demise of the person where the individual behaves in extremely violent ways from what is believed to be a combination of brain damage and a chemical released into blood during “resurrection.”

Cambodian officials say that the outbreak has been contained and the public has no need to worry.

General Ary Serey had this to say, "We have obtained samples of this new parasite and plan to learn how it starts the heart and other major organs of the deceased. We intend to use this to increase the quality of life for all."

US Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice opposed the plan saying that the Cambodian government holds a great biological weapon and should destroy it immediately. Cambodian officials have yet to comment.

A United Nations team will be dispatched to Cambodia to confirm the safety of biological research in Cambodia.

http://65.127.124.62/south_asia/4483241.stm.htm

What.

The.

FUCK!!!

I don't even know where to begin. I could start on the US wanting the Cambodians to "destroy it immediately", which to me is Condi sitting in a room shouting "Fuck this, we know how it goes down for black folk in zombie flicks! Kill them sumbitches, now!" I could go into the idea of the fucking Cambodians (who are world reknown for their scientific research labs) keeping a sample of this KILLING VIRUS, that has a 100% MORTALITY RATE (for the mathematically challenged, that's a #1 leader spot on the Halo Kill/Death ratio boards), to study.

But we all know what I really want to talk about.

It's a zombie virus, folks. It's Resident Evil 4: Cambodia. It's Night of the Living Loatians. You red-state bastards think we have immigrant problems NOW? Imagine boatloads of zombies from the Pacific Rim coming over, munching on sweetbreads that you USED to call your brain. Which would probably qualify them as sweetbiscuits, but I digress.

The point is: are YOU prepared for a zombie attack? How do you recognize a zombie, anyway?

1) Check their vitals.
If they start munching on your arm while you're checking their pulse, odds are pretty good that they're zombified. Also, you'll find that they have no pulse at all. Which, incidently, you won't either by this point.

2) See if you know them.
Or, more accurately, KNEW them. Because they used to be dead. And now, apparently, they're not. In which case, run. Fast.

3) Give them a food choice.
Hamburger...or brain matter. If they choose the hamburger, you should be reasonably safe. And please, don't substitute tofu for the hamburger meat, because frankly in that scenario I'd probably pick the brain matter too.

Now. You've identified your pursuer as a bonfied Zombie Creature. What do you do?

Personally, I'd go with the shotgun; you can't go wrong with a shotgun. I don't really care what you're fighting - zombie, vampire, werewolf, homunculus (that's a Frankenstein or golem, to you pleebs) - a solid hit with a .10 gauge will put a stop on anything, even if it's only temporary. And in the case with vampires, that additional 3-4 seconds you gain is the difference between you making it INSIDE the church, or leaving fingernail scratches and a bloody smear on the wooden door OUTSIDE for the police to find.

Plus it keeps the bastiches at a distance, and when I'm fighting things that want to eat my brain, I find it particularly helpful to keep them at as much of a distance from me as possible.

However, things happen, ammo runs out - in which case, the weapon of choice is the versatile machete.

Now sure, a survival knife is handier to carry, and an axe - well, you can't beat the heft of an axe. But an axe takes a pretty wide swing, and a survival knife won't pass through a skull. A machete has a nice long blade, good heft, and being able to follow through with the slice means you can keep on hacking until you make it to safety.

Fire. Now fire is your friend, and a zombie will make for some pretty good kindling. Plus, a zombie will still walk around while it's on fire and - GET THIS - burn OTHER zombies! Which, incidently, can also be a downside if you don't plan this ahead of time. Because you're pretty far up the fucking creek if you suddenly find yourself surrounded by a crowd of burning zombies who're insistent on getting one last snack before they turn into charcoal.

On a side note: if you're from Wisconsin. Please, do NOT try to have sex with it. I'm just sayin', cuz it's documented now. You sick fuckers.

But, you ask, what if I get bit?

Well, as history shows us...you're fairly well fucked, ain't ya? But there are options for you:

1) Handgun, .38 or .45
Take a blast to your temple, and no more zombie. I don't recommend a .22, because it's a piece of shit. It'll hurt when the bullet bounces off your skull, and you'll still end up a zombie. And a rifle is too much work; by the time you get it set up, you'll already be craving someone's frontal lobe.

2) Jump
That's right. Jump. Just find a high building, and jump the fuck off. So what if it's scary, at least there's no second guessing. And there won't be enough of you to chase after me, later.

3) Drown yourself
No one thinks about this one much, but consider how many zombies may be walking around the sea bed right now. We've never seen one swim, but we also know they can't die - so waaaay deep down below, fishes are picking tiny little morsels off someone's great-great-great grandfather. The important part of this, of course, is that while you technically haven't destroyed yourself...you're not up here, sipping out of my skull like it's a pina colada. So take a long walk off a short pier, why don't you.

So be prepared, folks; it's the end of the world as we know it. It'll start small; riots in Laos, the army moves in and martial law is declared. Then it'll spread; some infected puddlejumper will make his way to Africa, a couple of tourists on safari there will get bit, they'll take the bug back to Europe...it's 28 Days all over again, so if you're smart you'll get out there on Amazon and grab that Zombie Survival gear

Cuz I'm warning you now, I'm already getting my hand fitted for a chainsaw prosthesis. Buzz buzz, baby.

Maybe He Wanted To Feed The Homeless With It

2008-07-14T17:53:00.002-04:00

I try, very much, not to be critical of the Catholic Church. At least, not as critical as I could be. Which is considerably.

But then something comes along that absolutely boggles my mind at the base stupidity of it all, and I'm left scratching my head wondering - at least in this instance - why this was a big deal at all.

Orange County, FL -- One week after a University of Central Florida student snatched something sacred from church, armed UCF police officers stood guard during Sunday Mass to protect what Catholics call "The Body of Christ."

Minutes before the Mass began, Student Senator Webster Cook returned the Holy Eucharist he was holding hostage in a Ziploc bag ever since smuggling the blessed wafer of bread out of the Catholic Mass service Sunday June 29.

Carol Brinati with the Diocese of Orlando said the Catholic community was "concerned about the possible desecration of the Eucharist," and pleaded for its safe return.

Cook, who was raised Catholic, said he decided to bring the Eucharist home after a church leader tried to physically pry it from his hand. Cook broke Church rules by failing to consume it immediately during communion and then removing it from his mouth once seated.

Cook said he just wanted to show the Eucharist to a friend he brought with questions about Catholicism before consuming it. But outraged Catholics across the globe didn’t believe him and suspected he intended all along to steal the Eucharist and bloggers sent out e-mail messages damning him to Hell.

Cook said some threatened to break into his dorm room to rescue the Eucharist. Brinati said the Diocese of Orlando didn't condone those threats, but was happy Cook had a change of heart and returned it.

"We've been praying about that," she said.

Now...I understand, to some extent that this...no. Never mind. I don't understand, because we're not talking about some holy relic. The kid didn't walk out of the chuch with a golden crucifix under his shirt.

He walked out with a WAFER, that was in his MOUTH.

I can't even make fun of this by calling it a cookie, because calling it a cookie would give it more substance that it does. I've eaten saltine crackers that had more substance. If you took a rice cake, drilled a dollar coin-sized core out of the middle, then SHAVED that tiny cylinder into 10 pieces...you'd have something about the same size as the Eucharist. And just as robust.

When I was young, I went to visit my sister's godmother in Florida. I don't know where, the friggin' Everglades, who cares. All that matters for this tale is that I was dragged off to this woman's church, because all de chillun needs the Lawd's love on Sunday. Even if they get that love kicking and screaming, but I digress.

So here I am in this backwater church, with daddy longlegs squatting in toilet squalls wondering why in the name of Gods are you invading his territory, and suddenly people start getting up and walking to the front. I get shoved into line, so I just follow along not having a clue, but not about to make a scene with all these crazy, over emotional church folk around me giving me the evil (holy?) eye.

I end up at the front, and they kneel - so I kneel. The guy in the robes stands in front of everyone, and puts something on their tongue. I open wide, I let him put this styrofoam thing in my mouth, and done. Then they pass a cup with grape juice, I take the shot, and go back to my seat.

After a few seconds, feeling very uncomfortable and stupid, I turn to this woman and go: "What should I do with this?", peeling the styrofoam from my tongue and holding it up.

Admittedly she did freak a little, but I didn't know why; not like it came with instructions, and the thing was nasty as hell so how was I supposed to know I should eat it? Can't they put a little sugar on it, maybe some cinnamon, jazz it up a little? Sheesh.

So I can sympathize a bit, reading this article.

However. Are you fucking kidding me, with the priest trying to "pry it from his hand"? Seriously? Holy Crazy Psychopriests, Batman, what the hell was wrong with him? Was he possessed? Did the devil make him do it? "The power of Christ compel you!" How did the priest even KNOW what was going on, was he standing guard over the people to make sure they ate it? WTF?! This is some serious Rosemary's Baby shit, folks!

Really, I admit I'd have held out as well. Once it's in my mouth, it's my property bizzatch. If i want to take that damn wafer and turn it into art, I'll damn well do it. I'da beat the Jesus out of that man in his robe just for touching me, I swear to Mary I would have.

Come on, was all this necessary? Someone please explain it to me, because I must be stupid. It's not like the man was drinking from the fountain of holy water (although, to be fair, I'd have PAID to see someone do that!) He took the damn wafer out of his mouth - for whatever reason, let's assume he wasn't really showing his friend - and got jumped for it. For the entire community to start making death threats, for the church to file FUCKING POLICE REPORT...

What's the charge? Possession?

Driving Stupidly, Not Just The American Way

2008-07-14T12:53:00.001-04:00

This just in from New Delhi,India:

Don't Go Chasing Waterfalls

2008-07-14T11:18:00.003-04:00

Don't go chasing waterfalls
Please stick to the rivers and lakes that
You're used to
I know that you're gonna have it your way
Or nothing at all
But I think you're moving too fast

Just when you think it's safe to go back in the water, crap like this happens.

New York City has just installed a series of fugart ("f-ugly art") displays in our waterways, a set of faux waterfalls that are supposed to enhance the look of the rivers around the island. Personally I think they look cheesy with all that scaffolding, and for $15million bucks you'd think they could have added some stone stucco so it looked better - but hey, what do I know?

Anyways. As with all things remotely dangerous, there will be some fool who will think he knows better than others, and will do something stupendously idiotic and endanger himself and possibly others.

Case in point: novice kayakers, who were determined to get an up-close and personal view of the falls.

As the story goes, an experienced kayaker and his two assistants were taking out a group of 24 newbs into the river, as part of a fund-raising event for their paddlehouse. They'd swing around the harbor, take a look at the waterfalls from a nice safe distance, then head back for home.

Thing were going swimmingly, until a pair of dipshits decided to venture out on their own.

Two of the kayakers, in one boat, capsized after straying too close to a waterfall erected by the Danish-Icelandic artist Olafur Eliasson under the Brooklyn Bridge, the police said. The two, Bert Rosenblatt, 36, and Vladimir Spector, 37, were rescued by a police boat and taken to a hospital, and released shortly after with no injuries, the police said.

Their guide, Mr. Baard said the men had been “goofing around,” and got too close to the fall as they tried to take pictures.

Before the group had taken off, everyone had been given instructions repeatedly about what to do should their kayak flip over or drift into trouble.

Rule 1, clutch your paddles, they were told. The men let them go.
Rule 2, hold onto your kayak. Instead they let it drift away, and clung to the buoys and containment barriers that were meant to cordon off the waterfall.

If the men had followed their instructions, Mr. Baard said, they would have drifted to a calmer part of the river, where they easily could have gotten back into their kayak.

“I don’t know if they were afraid or what,” he said. “One issue was that they didn’t know us very well, so they didn’t have an immediate trust of our judgment, which would have helped. But they didn’t listen to what we asked them to do, and so at that point I tried to let the police take over.”

Now here's the visual I really love:

When the officers arrived at the scene, they found Mr. Baard pleading with one of the men, who were both wearing life vests, to let go of the barrier, but to no avail. Eventually, the police ordered him to let go, and the man complied.

You have to admit, that had to have been funny. Everyone yelling at this guy to let go, and him whimpering "nononononononononono...."

"I wanted to get a closer look at the waterfalls, and then it sucked us in," said Vladimer Spector, 37, one of the two men plucked from the East River by the NYPD Harbor Patrol.

Despite the scare, police said there was no risk of actually being pulled into the falls' suction system. Cops tested the system with dummies that were not sucked in.

As opposed, apparently, to the two dummies who nearly did.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/12/nyregion/12capsize.html?partner=rssnyt&emc=rss

Jesus: Messiah, Wizard, Vampire, or Zombie?

2008-07-11T13:20:00.003-04:00

I'm absolutely, positively, going to Hell. First class, express line only. I'm fully comfortable with that fact, before you start calling down the fire and brimstone on me. So nyeh-nyeh.

With that now out of the way...I struggle with the concept of the last days of Christ. I respect that in this giant cult based on his name, he is revered as a Son of God, as the living embodiment of the creator here on Earth, as the Prince of Peace and the Shepherd. He died for our sins, which incidently to mean should mean we all get a free pass, but hey I didn't make up the rules so don't get angry this way.

But.

Come on, really now; the man forced his followers to eat his flesh, drink his blood. He died, then crawled his way out of a grave to live again.

I don't know about you folks, and how strong-willed and resolute you are. But if i buried my friend, and while visiting his grave a few days later discovered it open, I'm going to consider a few options:
1) check the local medical schools for new cadaver arrivals, because some entrepenuring student is making a killing off graverobbing;
2) make sure my stock of garlic, blessed crosses and holy water is up to date;
3) keep the shotgun and axe handy, and start practicing head shots with the old .32

I am, however, very unlikely to bow down to my knees and cry tears of joy, because my friend was resurrected and has ascended to a higher being.

Do I lie? Take the holiest, kindest, sweetest person you know. And yes, I'll happily use Mother Theresa as an example. If she stepped out of her grave tomorrow morning, rubbing her eyes like she just woke up from a long nap...

...you'd plug her full of ammo, grab a hatchet and start swinging for her neck. Because you know damn well she's a goddamn zombie, and its either kill the beast or stick a straw in your ear and let her suck away at your brains.

Now, let's talk about the WTF-moment we all know as the Last Supper.

Let's say...you have a friend. You love this friend, he's the greatest dude, ever. You're so smitten with him, you're practically gay for him. But he's sick, and not long for this world, so he gathers up you and his other really tight bros, and holds a dinner party.

You're all drinking, laughing, having a good time, and in the middle of this dinner he gets up to start a speech. Let's gloss over the "one'a you bastiches is gonna rat me out" part of this, because then the follow up would involve him around a table with a baseball bat, and we've all seen how that movie ends up.

No, we'll stick to this part of the speech where he holds up the bread, breaks it apart, passes it out and says "Take, eat, this is my flesh."

Hold the fuck up. What?!

Seriously, would you eat the bread? Or would you be sitting there, open mouthed, staring at everyone else to see who's gonna stuff in down their gullets first? There ain't that much love in the whole goddamn world, that I'm gonna look down at my plate and be told it's someone's flesh, and I need to eat it.

But for the sake of argument, let's assume you laughed it off. "That Jesus, he's always cracking jokes." Ate the bread, chuckling.

Then he holds up the cup, pours you all a glass, and says "Drink it all, this is my blood."

Now. Really. Just a few weeks ago, I'd seen this fucker turn a whole well of tap water into Cabernet Sauvignon and loaves of bread into bouillabaisse, so now I'm looking at this cup of dark red, thick liquid and thinking: You Know, I'm Really Not That Thirsty, Thanks.

And yes, my stomach by this point would be doing flip-flops as I starting thinking harder about that bread-into-fishflesh, and wondering if the dinner roll I just ate just looked like a toe, or if it was my imagination.

So I don't know about you, but next Easter I won't be answering any doors at night. Cuz it could be Jesus knocking. And he might be hungry.

Garlic knot, anyone?

Maybe She Just Laid There Like A Corpse

2008-07-10T23:31:00.002-04:00

Reversing lower court judges who said Wisconsin criminal law doesn't prohibit necrophilia, the state supreme court held today that rape law bans sex with dead bodies.

Because rape law prohibits sex with an unconsenting victim, "a reasonably well-informed person would understand the statute to prohibit sexual intercourse with a dead person," writes Justice Patience Drake Roggensack in the 5-2 majority opinion (PDF).

Two dissenting justices said the law was intended not to ban necrophilia but to permit rape charges when the victim was also murdered, according to the Associated Press.

The case arose from an alleged attempt by three young men carrying shovels, a crowbar and condoms to dig up a corpse in a Wisconsin cemetery in 2006 after one saw an obituary photo of an attractive 20-year-old woman who had been killed in a motorcycle accident a week earlier. Although they reportedly couldn't get into the concrete vault in which she was buried, they were charged with attempted sexual assault and theft after a police officer responded to a report of a suspicious vehicle in the Cassville cemetery.

...okay. Stop. Stop right there.

Originally I saw this article, and was going to write a whole thing about the oddities of local laws and their interpretations...then I got to the description of the crime.

These guys...in Wisconsin...saw the PHOTO of the girl who died. In a motorcycle accident. A week earlier.

And decided, "wow...I gotta get me some of that!"

I'm speechless. Dumbfounded, even. I mean, I have to see this picture - because on a scale of 1 to 10, i'm assuming this girl blows all others off the charts with her hotness factor. That's the only reasonable explanation for why three guys - and I'm going to assume they weren't sober, I mean this IS Wisconsin - why these three guys were suddenly SO taken with her beauty, they figured this:

That her dead, rotting corpse was still hotter than any chick in the town.

For the record, at least they were going to practice SAFE illegal sex.

iShake it Like A Polaroid Picture

2008-07-10T22:57:00.002-04:00

I'm on record as being a member of the AntiApple Squad, wishing the blue screen of death on all infidels. Or is that iInfidels? Whatever. The point is, it should come as no surprise that I am completely baffled by the appeal of this shake ability with the iPhone.

What'choo talkin' about Willis? Well, assuming you haven't been living under the proverbial rock, some features within certain applications on the phone allow/require you to physically shake your phone. Yes, that's shaken, not stirred, Mr. Bond.

For example, there's an application that will locate your position via GPS, then find you the nearest restaurants. Nice, huh? Well, folks, there's more. With this baby, you can have the phone randomly select the restaurant from the list of local eateries.

By shaking your phone.

It's like a slot machine; you sit and watch the list whiz by, slowing crawling to a stop. Okay Vanna, let's show these good people what they've won!

There's another application that will allow you to roll dice on the screen. By shaking it back and forth, and then watching the 3D dice bounce around the 2D screen (which, really then, makes it 2D doesn't it?) and roll to a stop. iCraps, anyone?

And of course, there's the inevitable take on the "naughty pen" - an image of a woman in a bikini, and if you shake the phone hard enough she starts to lose her clothing. And apparently her sense of self-worth.

Maybe I'm just the retarded one, and if so I fully accept the responsibilities that title comes with - but do I really want to shake this $300 piece of technology to get it to work? I mean, sure I do that at work with my computer screen - "Goddamnit you piece of crap, load...!" (slap slap), but am I really expecting that to DO something?

No, it's anger management.

I'm picturing a whole new generation of phone users, iPeople strolling down the block, shaking their wrists like they're choking the iLife out of their iPhones, literally squeezing information out of it. Was Homer Simpon prescient? "Why you little...!"

I can see the lawsuits now. Will we get a new round of carpal tunnel syndrome, from people hurting their wrists trying to find their way home? How about the ones with sweaty palms, the same Wii-mote users who hurled those innocuous white controllers smack into the middle of their $4500 plasma television screens? Will the ground be littered with the parts of broken iPhones (iLitter?) because of all the slippery palms dropping the delicate devices to the unforgiving concrete?

Perhaps parents can now start disciplining their kids in public again; we can call it the iDefense. "Your honor, I was trying to find out where the little monster flushed my keys to...shaking works to get info out of my phone, I figured it would work on my kid too!"

iInsane, iI know. But anything is iPossible.

For a Shine That's Jiggaboo Bright!

2008-07-10T20:18:00.002-04:00

I was cruising the cable channels recently, bored one late night but not wanting to fall asleep, when I stumbled across this film title in the index: The Confederate States of America.

Well...there's no way I could possibly ignore this, could I?

Apparently the film is a mockumentary, a history of events leading up from the early days of the civil war until modern times - today. So what's the catch? The documentary - done in a typical History Channel, Discover Network style - treats the history of the world as if the South had WON the American Civil War, and gone on to conquer the North.

Now I expected an interesting thesis on how life would be different, attitudes completely changed to reflect less of a Black American influence, certainly. What I did not expect was to find myself immersed in a world where the Klan and Aryan Nation would feel right at home, where slavery still exists and where America silently supported Hitler's reign.

That, all on it's own, would have been a bit of a culture shock, but one I could deal with seeing; I'm objective enough for that, certainly. What I was completely unprepared for was the language used in the film - fictionally historically accurate to do, certainly, but it was disturbing on a deep emotional level.

What am I talking about? During the course of watching this film, I found myself flinching at hearing: jiggaboo, buck, pick-a-ninny, coon, mammy, sambo, nigger, darky...I saw white men in blackface, cartoons showing blacks with big red lips and ape-like faces...

It was shocking, but shocking in a fantastically amusing way. I was torn between being offended and being amused, which I think was the producers particular point.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about it; just the opposite. I think every black youth today should watch this film, because I honestly don't believe they have any idea what life may have been like for our slave ancestors, and I do think it's important that they don't forget what their forebears went through in order that they can enjoy their Xbox, BET and Nike shoes.

Now its summer

2008-06-29T14:39:00.001-04:00

Mmm-mmmm!

Black Gold

2008-06-23T13:57:00.002-04:00

So someone tried to jack me this week.

More specifically, they tried to jack my gas.

Seriously, I thought stuff like only happened on the mountain roads of Guatemala, or in the Florida Everglades. When you think of people sticking hoses into gas tanks and siphoning fuel into a bucket, it brings up imagery of some moonshine era long ago.

Not 2008, Manhattan.

Here I was, all set early in the morning to head up to the lake, drop my kayak and get in some paddling before the weekend crowd starting invading. I had just over a quarter tank of gas and probably could have made it there and back without filling up, but i figured why take the chance? I stopped at a gas station which happened to be full service - and the guy tells me my gas cap was missing.

WTF?

I shrug; it's a gas cap, I can replace that easily enough. He tries to fill the tank, but after another quarter fill the nozzle is snapping like the tank is full. I'm looking at my guage, it's obviously at a half-tank.

Again. WTF?

So now I'm thinking, something's screwy here. It's 7:30 in the morning, I decide it'll be better if i stick around and talk to the mechanic when he comes in at 8. He's a little late, but that's fine. He takes a look, decides he can't really figure out what's going on unless they drop the tank and look inside. For that, he needs his crew - who come in at 9.

Wonnnnnnnderful.

They show, they pull the tank, and figure that someone busted the tank assembly inside while trying to force a hose down it. They've got to get the replacement parts, and get me a new cap - this time with a lock on it.

By the time all is said and done, it's after 11am and I'm just too tired and annoyed. Between labor, parts and gas I've spent over $200, gotten nothing I had planned accomplished, and pretty much wasted my morning.

And why? Because someone decided gas was so expensive, they needed to siphon off some of mine.

I swear, I'm going to set up cameras somewhere just so I can catch one of these morons. I'll spend the $50 it'll cost just to douse his arse in gasoline, and roast marshmallows on him after I light his butt up.

It just sucks, realizing that the gas in my tank was worth more to someone than trying to actually steal the truck.

Welcome to America, 2008.

But does she do windows?

2008-06-17T10:15:00.001-04:00

ROME (Reuters) - An Italian man was arrested on suspicion of kidnapping his ex-girlfriend from a pub, taking her home and forcing her to iron his clothes and wash the dishes, police said Monday.

The 43-year-old man dragged the woman out of a pub in the port city of Genoa, shoved her into a car and took her to his home where he made her iron and wash dishes after threatening her, they said.

Police arrived at his house after being tipped off by a friend of the woman who watched the scene at the pub.

The man, who was apparently furious at his ex-girlfriend for leaving him, was arrested on charges of kidnapping, police said.

Personally, I think he just really, really needed his laundry done.

A Coke & A Siam

2008-06-16T18:10:00.000-04:00

Went down to the vending machine in the office, popped in my 75 centavos and what pops out? Imported strange soda. Turns out Coca-Cola is advertising for the upcoming Beijing Games by selling cans in other languages.

Just as long as they don't fill it with that green jelly drink (nam quiew?), I'm okay with that.

Don't...

2008-06-07T17:04:00.001-04:00

...hate. Appreciate.

Hot day

2008-06-07T14:27:00.001-04:00

...had to take a break. Frozen drinks @ BBQ's, nice way to cool off.

Can't talk now...

2008-06-07T13:37:00.001-04:00

...eating. *smack* mm-mmm!

Iron Men

2008-06-01T21:08:00.003-04:00

I don't want to take anything away from Oscar Pistorius. I think he's an inspiration to amputees - and really anyone trying to overcome a disability - everywhere.

But I'm not certain how I feel about his participation in professional sports.

For those of you not in the here and now, Pistorius is making history by becoming the first double-amputee allowed to compete and qualify for the upcoming Beijing Olympics in track. Understand, we're not talking about the Special Olympics - this is the real deal, racing against full-bodied athletes.

So how is this double-amputee able to achieve this? He's using specially designed prosthetic legs, which allow him to compete on a level with other athletes.

Oscar was originally banned from using his prosthetics, based on an Olympic rule which prohibits the use of technical aids by athletes.

However, in appealing the ruling (which, incidently, the law firm I work for handled) he won his case and the ruling was overturned, clearing the way for him to work towards his Olympic dreams.

Now understand - I'm not against him competing, and I think it's admirable that he's overcome his handicap to an extent that he's capable of competing at Olympic levels; it's fascinating, from a purely scientific view, and heroic.

It's reminsicent of a former Major League Baseball player, Jim Abbott - born without a right hand, he learned to pitch lefty and taught himself how to switch his glove quickly from his stump to his left arm, making himself into a capable fielder. He won a gold medal on the US Olympic Team in 1988, and as a New York Yankee, Abbott pitched a no-hitter against the Cleveland Indians in 1993.

But he did it all with skill, not attachments or prosthetics.

The Cheetah® Flex-Foot is a J-shaped, high performance carbon composite prosthetic sprinting foot, designed to store and release energy in order to mimic the reaction of the anatomical foot/ankle joint of able bodied runners. From the manufacturer's own website:

The shape, which somewhat resembles the hind quarter of a Cheetah - hence the name - acts like a spring and shock absorber. The "J" curve is compressed at impact, storing energy as well as absorbing high levels of stress that would otherwise be absorbed by the user’s knee, hip, and lower back. At toe-off, the "J" returns back to its original shape, releasing a percentage of the stored energy and propelling the user forward.

The foot is designed to have more layers of carbon at higher stress points, such as the apex of the "J" curve, and less carbon where more flexibility is needed, such as the toe portion. Importantly, the Cheetah Flex-Foot has no heel component. This ensures that the reaction of the foot accurately mimics that of an able-bodied runner by keeping the user on the "balls of their feet," as well as producing a quicker reaction from the loading response as compared to traditional prosthetic feet.

This is the very heart of the issue. The Cheetah prosthetic is basically a giant spring, giving the wearer a distinct advantage over those runners who have to rely only on their natural leg muscles. I've personally seen the difference carbon flex limbs are capable of; as a former competitive archer myself, I watched the industry move from wood-foam core limbs for bows to carbon-composite limbs, as they allow more flex in a lighter limb, which allows for more power.

It begs the question: is Pistorius a faster runner WITH the prosthetic limbs, than he would have been had he been born with two strong legs? Is his speed as much a product of his prosthetics, as his training and determination? There are other amputee athletes who compete, but none of them are double amputees; many point out that it is their HEALTHY limbs that hold them back, as they are forced to alter their running stance to compensate for the extra speed kick they receive from their prosthetic limb. It's comical that this reminds me of how, as a child, I'd wonder how the original Bionic Man of television, Steve Austin, was able to run as fast as he did - in the original season, he only had one artificial limb and I wondered how his human leg was able to keep up.

Pistorius has two such limbs, and his peers have already voiced complaints that his double prosthetics give him added height, and that added height translates to a longer stride - which as a runner, further translates into increased speed and less energy expended to achieve the same speed and distance. Able-bodied athletes have complained that he does not suffer the stress on his knees and calves that they do, instead relying exclusively on his hips to power his strides. Pistorius himself admits

In this age of doping and performance enhancing in professional sports, Pistorius' tale is potentially a Pandora's Box. It's bad to take HGH to improve your performance and strength, but it's okay if you use technology. If an amputee pitcher used a prosthetic limb to learn to throw a ball, is it wrong if he's throwing strikes at 98pmh? Is it cheating, if an amputee wide receiver or running back has a form of the cheetah limbs?

I'm torn.

Food In The Raw

2008-05-26T11:27:00.001-04:00

My friends like to make fun of me when we go hiking & overnight camping, because I always seem to bring too much stuff. I start bringing out odd packages & storage containers, and they shake their heads with wonder...at least, they do until dinnertime.

While they're roasting Oscar Meyer weiners or eating cold sandwiches, I'm eating jambalaya over rice, with garlic bread on the side. For breakfast they're gnoshing on cereal bars, I'm scrambling fresh eggs and flipping pancake (true story!)

The keys are: not letting yourself settle, and preparation. I tell everyone - a ziplock freezer bag is your best friend. A little cooking the night before will leave you warm, full and satisfied by the campfire.

I admit I was a bit lazy this time. The Mexican Chicken soup for dinner was canned, but the trick is to take it OUT the can before you go. Empty it into a baggie, put itinside another, and freeze it. Bingo, 1/4 the weight, fits inside your backpack the same - and ready to eat once you pot it over a fire.

My breakfast was also lazier than normal, but it's been a while since i've done a full pack and didn't want to overdo it. I usd simple packs of instant oatmeal, but brought along a little cinnamon and some "crunch" dried fruit. Added to the oatmeal, the fruit rehydrates - and you've got a tasty, fruity breakfast.

I also have these packs of Internatonal Coffee Cafe Mocha instant drinks. Pour into a mug, add hot water.

Because there ain't no Stabucks out here, and a brother needs his java in the morning.

Don't You...

2008-05-26T11:26:00.001-04:00

...wish you were here? :)

In The Heat of the Moment

2008-05-26T11:25:00.001-04:00

I had no intention of lighting a fire tonight.

Understand...I am a rational man. I'd had a small fire, just enough to cook with. I was done. A fire served no purpose. I had a lantern. I had a flashlight. Lighting a fire would be...would be...

Of course I lit a fire. I couldn't help myself, something primal in me literally screamed for a fire. My cro-magnon ancestors demanded a fire, and by the gods I would give them one!

I have enough wood collected to build a log cabin, but even as I sit here typing this I'm wondering...

...is it enough?

It IS primal. We as Men - and that's gender specific - are bred to NEED a fire. We are physically incapable of being around the implements needed to start a flame, and not actually do so.

The proof can be found at every BBQ around the globe, Put more than one male near a pit or grill, and all will gravitate towards it. We all must participate, offering our opinions on how it should be done.

"Stack them like a pyramid! " "No, stagger them!" "Add leaves for kindling" "Grass, throw some grass on there!"