Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The Prime Directive

For all of you non-Trekkies out there, I'm going to ask for you patience for a moment while I clarify exactly what the Prime Directive is.

In the fictional universe of Star Trek, the Prime Directive, Starfleet's General Order #1, is the most prominent guiding principle of the United Federation of Planets. The Prime Directive dictates that there can be no interference with the internal affairs of other civilizations, consistent with the historical real world concept of Westphalian sovereignty.

In human-speak, that means: Fuck off, space traveler. Mind your beeswax. We'll handle our business, you handle yours.

That said...human beings, as a collective and as individuals, will find any excuse to LET SHIT HAPPEN. I don't care how absolutely fucked up a situation is, I guarantee you there will be some fool with a Handycam there filming the whole thing, going "Croikey, would ya look at thet!" We'll watch another Rodney King get his ass whipped something fierce, and when it's all said and done the person will hold up his hands and scream out the Prime Directive.

"Wasn't my business."

Case in point. Because I know, you knew, something sparked this shit.

A friend of mine (thanks, Tippers) forwarded an article that she assumed we'd all find interesting, which I indeed - did. The headline of said article was worded thusly:

Seal caught on tape molesting a penguin
Scientists study rare example of interspecies sexual harassment


Oh yes. It went there. This shit was on MSNBC.com, peoples! It went on:

One summer morning, scientists observing elephant seals on a beach on Marion Island near the Antarctic spotted a young male Antarctic fur seal subduing a king penguin.

At first we thought it was hunting the penguin, but then it became clear that his intentions were rather more amorous," de Bruyn recalled today via email.

The roughly 240-pound seal subdued the 30-pound adult penguin by lying on it. The hapless bird of unknown sex struggled, rapidly flapping its flippers and attempting to stand and flee, without luck.

The seal then alternated between resting on the penguin and thrusting its pelvis at the bird in vain attempts to insert its penis for 45 minutes. Natural, unsuccessful sexual escapades by this variety of seal with members of its own species may last as long as this penguin assault did, "but yes, it is quite a long time and thus unusual," de Bruyn told LiveScience.

The seal then abruptly gave up, moving to sea and completely ignoring the target of its affections. The penguin apparently did not suffer any injury. The scientists detailed their findings in the May issue of the Journal of Ethology.


There was more, of course, but I don't really give a fig; I've got enough to work with right here.

These so-called scientists sat there, for 45 MINUTES, watching a 250lb seal try to anally rape a 30lb penguin.

45 minutes.

All in the name of science.

Now...even the worst stoner, high as a fucking kite, would find this hilarious. As do I.

For maybe...5 minutes, max.

Then - and call me crazy, but really I do feel this to be true - at some point, my FUCKING CONSCIENCE would have kicked in and I'd have tried to stop this from happening. Thrown a rock, splashed some water, yelled "Get the fuck off him, you child molester!" Anything. Because AS a guy, the last thing I want to sit there and watch is some other creature get turned into a prison bitch.

My subway ride to work is 25 minutes. A TiVo'd episode of Lost is 45-50 minutes. So let's put that into some perspective, shall we?

For the length of an episode of Lost, all commercials nicely removed, you ALSO have the option of watching a seal rape a penguin.

45 minutes, folks.

Can I just say, ahead of time...that if ever, EVER, you see me getting anally raped by a 250 seal....stop it. Please. Throw a fucking rock at my head, shoot me and put me out of my misery, do something. Anything.

Because the needs of the one, outweighs the needs of the many.

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