Another Year Older

Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me...

37. Geez. There was a time when I just couldn't imagine myself being, quote, "this old". Hitting the big Three-Oh was like crossing some existential border, as if you found yourself moving off a major highway onto this dirt-paved backwater desert road with a sign on the side that says "You Are Leaving Your Youth Behind, Have A Nice Day".

Passing 30 just seems to bring with it all these odd requirements, doesn't it? As if you're now supposed to have the House, the Kid(s), the Marriage. You should be Settled, you know? And there's no real explanation as to why that's the case, or even that it has to be.

So here I am at 37, and I realize "holy crap, I'm 3 years from the Bigger Four-Oh!" Wow. 40, me. And you know what? All those requirements?

Screw 'em. Screw the cosmos and it's plan for the human race. In the words of a once-great sailor: "I yam what I yam and that's all that I yam." Hyuck-hyuck-hyuck-hyuck.

Not married. Don't want to own a house. My master plan? Don't have one. I'm winging it, and loving every minute of it. I'm probably tagged with the label "confirmed bachelor" by most of my friends, and it doesn't bother me a bit. Do I want to get married? It isn't a goal, no, but if/when it happens it'll happen because I want it to - not because "the time is right", or "I don't want to wait too long", or some other silly reason. I don't exist to own material goods or to co-exist in holy/municipal matrimony; I exist, period.

I was playing volleyball, and some random girl in the gym was complaining because she feels so old. She's 33. I laughed, which I find myself doing a lot more lately when I hear things like that - because if she's old at 33, what the hell am I at 37? I remember someone once before saying that, calling someone a few years younger than me "ancient". I think I laughed then too, asking if that made me "prehistoric" by definition?

We got into a conversation, and what came out of it is the old adage - you're only as old as you feel. I told her sure, I find myself thinking "oh god, I really am getting old". That happens a lot, and it's almost natural, especially when I look around at work and on the volleyball courts and see these law students working for me, getting their law degrees and these 20-somethings on the court next to me.

Then I realize - yeah, they're on the court next to me. And I'm more than holding my own. I'm here playing with people 10, 15 years younger than I am and they don't know how old I am. I'm not the old man struggling on the court, I'm the guy they're setting the ball to because they know I can put it down.

Here's the one goal I do admit to having. I want to be 70, 80 years old, standing on some mountain slope with a snowboard in hand. I'm there with my grandkid, showing him how to ride out a mogul. I'm feeling the sun beating down on my head, feeling the crispness of the winter air, and smiling.

Not just because I'm alive. But because I'm living.