Maybe Lysol Can Help You Lose Weight

Since the CDC is obviously slacking, I nobly take it upon myself to issue the following bacterial warning:

Fat people may be contagious.

Yes indeed, true believers; that craving you have for that 3rd or 4th Big Mac? It's got nothing to do with a lack of self-control, or over-indulgent behavior. It's a virus.

I shit you not! There is "mounting evidence" that obesity is contagious, and viral related. A human pathogen called the adenovirus Ad-37 has been found to cause obesity in chickens, according to a new study led by Leah Whigham of the departments of Medicine and Nutritional Sciences at the University of Wisconsin, Madison.

"We still need to more definitively establish the link with these adenoviruses and human obesity," Whigham told LiveScience. "We also have no idea how the virus interacts with other factors such as diet and exercise."

The new findings are detailed in the January issue of the American Journal of Physiology-Regulatory, Integrative and Comparative Physiology published by the American Physiological Society.

I can see the lawsuits now. Don't sue McDonalds, sue that fat bastard who stood behind you in line! "Hey, I originally went in there for a yogurt parfait...but then, suddenly, I had a craving for a super-sized double quarter pounder with cheese meal! I couldn't control myself!"

Can you imagine the wave of viral compulsion that must happen if you get a bunch of overweight people in a room together? It's like having Darth Vader in a room with you, forcing your will. "Join us, and together we will fatten the galaxy!"

Come to think of it, I've stood next to some of these, shall we say, weight-challenged individuals on a summer day with them breathing down my neck.

"Hssssh. Hsshoooooo. Hssssh. Hssshoooo."

Maybe that Darth Vader analogy isn't so far off after all.