Tuesday, November 04, 2003

Offline and Reality Bites

November 4, 2003 - Tuesday

Offline and Reality Bites!

I'm somewhat pleased to announce that I CAN kick the electronic habit anytime I want to. Really.

For reasons I will NOT get into right now, I've been sans TV and web access for about a week, give or take some quick sneaks online at work. I felt like a junkie going through withdrawals, and I'm still playing catchup.

But like a true trooper I withstood the assault on my digital senses and survived, all the better for knowing I am no longer dependant on bits and bytes for my entertainment.

Having said that, I went channel surfing for the first time in a week yesterday - and stumbled across NBC's latest bucket of piss: "Average Joe".

I'm bored, so I figure why not. Holy mother of creation, this was easily the funniest concept for a reality show I've seen yet! Mind you, this is coming from someone who stopped watching these pap smears with the 2nd season of Survivor; nothing yet has peaked my interest, and that includes American Idol.

But this...sweet Bajeezus. I laughed, I cried. For those not in the know, the concept is they take a supermodel-esque Barbie lookalike and pull a "Bachelorette" on her, with a twist: all the guys are dorks, nerds, geeks and freaks. Oh my fucking god, it was like a Revenge of the Nerds reunion show!

I thought it was funny enough when the idiot-jock stereotype cracked an egg on the uber-geek with the combover's head. I thought it was even funnier when he ran squealing back to the house because gods-forbid the egg should stain and ruin his shirt. I was incredulous when they cheered bucky the wide-smiled wonder nerd who "rescued" the shirt, hand washing it for combover king.

But then they introduced the boyz to Barbie, and then the fun began.

First: it was a sad, cruel joke to have the tall, long-locked pretty boy step out of a limo to her first, just to tell her that he's not one of the bachelors but he wanted to wish her good luck. When she whimpered "please stay" as he walked off, I nearly lost it. "Oh baby, you don't know the HALF of what's headed your way! Mwah-hah-hah!!"

Second: how fucking clueless do you have to be not to realize there's a joke being played on you when Kathy Griffin, the retarded redhead from - of all shows - Suddenly Susan - is the host? I mean, really - did she honestly think this was going to be a serious dating show?

My powers of precognition kicked into full gear, because I knew combover-king was going to be the first to meet and greet. I mean with that big cro-magnon Leader-esque forehead, the cheesy combover and - AND - the black hornrim glasses, he became the posterboy for nerdy desperation.

The look on Barbie's face was priceless. First the anticipatory smile as the shadowy figure emerges, then the look of absolute incredulity - the wide-eyed surprise, the mouth agape - fucking priceless! But to her credit it only lasted a second, then the fake "Oh fuck I'm on TV I've got to deal with this" smile came out and she took each and every behemoth and troglodyte in stride. Major props to Barbie.

The guys, on the other hand...holy shit. I thought half of them were going to cream their pants. Combover barely made it past her without stumbling. Another had his shoes untied. Yet another actually commented to her on how good her, err, assets looked.

Best line: this one blubber boy, who frankly has sleaze written all over him, says to the camera that with some guys deciding to "hang back" from the meet and greet and with 4 facing elimination, that puts him within 8 guys of one "hot piece of ass".

Dream on, Shamoo.

End of show, one of the guys booted actually said "But I need a girl!"

Fucking priceless.

Nothing else is on Mondays at 10. What the fuck, right?

Monday, October 27, 2003

Ghosts & Goblins Need Love Too

October 27, 2003 - Monday

Ghosts & Goblins need love too!

Fuck Christmas.

Okay that was harsh, but that got your attention right? Check it. I'm Hallow's shopping with a friend and we pass this store - CVS, whatever, some discount place - and there are Xmas trees in the window.

I know I should be used to this shit, it happens every year. But fuck man, give a holiday a little respect! Can we at least get past Halloween FIRST before you throw out the pagan winter celebration, I mean "Christmas", decorations? When, exactly, did Halloween become this fly-by-night (no pun intended) "let's just get this over with" holiday?

Since I'm ranting, what's up with all you Hallow-hating peeps anyway? Are you really that insecure and afraid of looking uncool that you think Halloween is just a day for kids? What, you still associate it with playing dress-up as a tot, and gods forbid you do something so childish?

Well fuck you then. If you've got that stick so far up your ass that you can't let loose for one day a year, then I really feel sorry for your kids. And mine, because they'll have to deal with your uptight little nazi soldiers on a daily basis.

Halloween is about having fun, about letting your hair down and being something else for a change. It's about letting the wild child inside of you come out to play - just for a night. Be daring, be sexy, be cool, be a fool - be anything you want, man, it's fucking HALLOWEEN! It's your chance to play like you're a kid again, no repercussions! For one night it's okay to dress like a clown, to be that superhero you always wanted to be, to dress like a hooker and laugh about it. You can be loud, you can be colorful, you can be electric! Shock the world, baby, and the world will laugh right along with you!

And the next day you can go back to your Pleasantville existance, living a black and white life while dreaming in vivid technicolor.

For those of you who "get it" - bravo. For those of you who bolt your doors on October 31st and frown your nose up at the revelers outside - kiss my spandex-wearing ass.

Happy Halloween!

Thursday, October 23, 2003

I Need A Subject, Too?!

I need a subject too?!

Damn this myspace crap, now I'm feeling all guilty cuz everytime I log on (granted I should be working right now, but fuck you) I get this "you haven't filled out a journal" message. Annoying biatch.

So whatever, I'm now another drone in the blorg-world hive. Lucky me. Or is it lucky you? I don't have shit to say right now, but if it'll get rid of that stupid message on my home page I'll gladly fill this white space with so much rambling ink it'll look like downtown LA after the Rodney King verdict!

Okay that was wrong. But so what, I'm from Crooklyn so I could give a rat's ass about the west siiiiide.

Speaking of the East kicking ass, I can't wait to watch my Yanks fry up some fish tonight! The Moose is loose and Beckett's gonna cry wee-wee-wee all the way back home. Best line I heard was on Z100 today: "Pretty soon the Marlins are gonna be sleeping with the rest of the fishes!" Hah! That's good funny shit.

Reminds me of years, years, years ago when Marvelous Marvin Hagler (you're STILL the best ever, man!) kicked Tommy Hearn's ass all over the ring. There was a pizza commercial; I think it was Pizza Hut, but who gives a fuck - it's got nothing to do with this story. He's there just eating the pizza, munch munch crunch crunch, not saying a word, no fancy stuff, plain background, he's in a tux; this goes on for, what, 15 seconds or so? Nothing but him eating.

Finally he's almost finished chewing, looks up at the camera while wiping his mouth, and goes: "I wonder what what's-his-name is doing right now?"

Chuckle. Chews some more. Winks at the camera.

"Probably eating soup."

Hope the Marlins like vegetable beef.