Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Man of the Hour

It's been a while since i've graced this site with a few choice words, and to those ofyou who're still listening...my apologies. Life being what it is, I found myself lacking a certain voice; the need to express my thoughts to the world at large had, temporarily, vanished.

However, like the mythical phoenix, my narcissism has been reborn. The fire that birthed this re-entry into the blogosphere?

Occasionally...rarely, an individual comes into the public consciousness that inspires us. Often positively, sometimes negatively, but there is no question that we are forced to *opine* upon their existence. We argue about them, households becoming divided in the intensity of these discussions. We obsess over them, we watch anxiously for scraps dropping from the literary tables, looking to snatch a morsel of information - any information - to sate our appetite for knowledge of this individual, for tidbits and crumbs that serve only to fuel the fires already raging inside of us.

For months now, perhaps longer, there is one individual who has caused such intensity of emotion as to cause the weak to swoon, that has inflamed the outrage of some even as the passions of others have been fanned to inferno proportions.

Yes, you know exactly whom I speak of.

Edward Cullen.

Laugh, did you? As did I, when I first heard of this character. And character he is! For those of you who (a) have been living under a rock, or (b) are not female, Edward Cullen is the protagonist in Stephanie Meyer's young adult "Twilight" series of books, with a motion picture by the same title to be released next week.

Gentlemen. If the woman in your life has not been introduced to this...this...leech...do all within your power to keep her from him. Do not, under any circumstances, let these books take root in her mind and imagination, or - and I say this with the plight of all men in mind - YOU WILL BE DESTROYED.

When a friend first mentioned his name, I made the honest mistake - being male, and of sound mind - of admitting I did not know who he was.

This is a mistake. If confronted with a similar question, do not under any circumstance admit a lack of knowledge. To quote the great playahs of our age:

"Fake it until you make it."

Why, you ask? Very simpe, my friend. Becausr if you profess ignorance of the Great Edward Cullen...she will EDUCATE you.

She will gush. She will swoon. And she will COMPARE him to you, and in that moment, true believer, you will be undone.

Again, you ask: why so? It is, after all, only a character. In a book. He's fake...

Please. I beg of you, do not make that statement to your woman. Or, I suspect, any woman. Because while we, being creatures of logic, can dismiss him as being non-existant, fake, and therefore not a threat...

...to her, he is not fake. He is a Fantasy, and you - I can never, never hope to live up to the ideal that is Edward Cullen.

Cullen, you see, is a teenaged vampire.

A boy, you scoff? Again: do not underestimate his power. Part of his appeal is his youth. He is immortal, forever trapped at a single age.

Whicham incidently, is the peak age of male sexuality.

Do you begin to see now?

Oh it is worse than you think, because there is more in his power that you cannot hope to overcome. Because he, unlike you and I has had over 300 FUCKING YEARS to get his shit together.

Imagine that. 300 years of making mistakes and learning how to correct them. Meaning, 300 years as a young adult, in his prime age, learning the best ways to seduce impressionable teenaged girls.

And you hope to compete, on any level, with that?!

So I encourage you, should these novels arrive in your home: channel your inner Palin. Burn them, and invoke the name of God while doing so.

For all of our sakes.