Monday, February 23, 2009

Puff Puff Pass

Okay, so it's been ages. A-GES! I know, and I blame you. Because the alternative would be to blame myself, and we all know I'm completely faultless in this.

So slap yourself, and let's move on, shall we?

I'm a recovering smoker. And I say recovering in the lightest of terms, because I was never really a heavy smoker; I grew up in the household of a heavy pack-a-day smoker (thanks, mom!) - so quitting was pretty much a matter of me saying "okay, I'm done". So it was said, so it was done.

Occasionally, however, I still get the crave. I'd switched years ago to cloves for the flavor, and it *elevated* me over the regular Marlboro smoker. I wasn't just smoking, I was enjoying an after-dinner gaseous apertif. It was practically dessert, it tasted so good.

But I've stopped, and have been regularly ignoring the pack of Djarim Black's sitting on my mantle for the past...8 months. Yay me, clap clap, cue the band.

So, having said all that...what brings me here, to you, in all my literary glory?


Yes, true believers, you have heard me correctly. Electronic cigarettes.

China, you technologically decadent cesspool...I fucking love you. Because this...I mean seriously, this boggles the mind. We've evolved into such a tech culture, that our VICES have migrated into digital. First virtual sex, now electronic smoking? Hell, when can I get my drink on by watching a dvd?

Right now you're going...what the HELL is an electronic cigarette? Well hold your damn horses, and I shall explain.
The Electronic Cigarette or electric cigarette or ecigarette, is a relatively simple device that creates vapor out of a nicotine and propylene glycol liquid. This “mist” acts much like tobacco smoke, allowing long time smokers a safer substitute. Smokers can also start using lower and lower level of nicotine in the cartridges to help ween themselves off of nicotine

I should say: this is near-complete bullshit. There is no intent whatsoever to use this device as a way to stop smoking. In fact, the wonderful thing about tiggers here is that, because this is NOT a cigarette and therefore does NOT emit "smoke" in the normal sense... can use them in places where smoking is not allowed.

How. Fuckingly. Awesome. Is. That?

I shit you not, peeps. While many places would love to kick you out on your butt for lighting up (flicking the on switch?), the fact is...legally they can't. The e-cigs DON'T HAVE ANY TOBACCO, and therefore are not illegal under tobacco laws. Hell, you could probably sell them to minors and get away with it!

That won't do you much good when Omar, the club's 300lb bouncer, has his foot up your ass...but it's the PRINCIPAL here, folks.

I haven't yet seen them in person, but I plan on getting one. Because I have to sample this. The tech-head in me demands it, the rebellious creature that lurks much deeper craves it. There's a certain "wow" factor here too, popping one of these things out in a group and listening with sweet satisfaction all of the "ooohs" and "ahhhs" that are inevitable.

I'm sure you're going "But Trickster...they still smell like tobacco, doesn't that still pose a problem?" loyal subjects...would I even be mentioning this if this wonderful device were so limited? Of course not!

The flavors the cartridges (called Ejuice) come in are: regular tobacco, marlboro, mint, almond, chocolate, cherry, regular, menthol, apple and strawberry.

So it's like dessert, you see? And yes, for all you ex-80's Goths out there...ejuice DOES come in clove flavor as well.

I would like to end this post right here, for all of you regular folk. You should stop here, because you're all good people. Really, I mean it. Stop reading, close your browser. Move along, move along, nothing more to see here. Bye now.
. for the rest of you twisted bastards, I want to go a little deeper into analyzing this device. Because what I failed to mention earlier was a little thing that caught my eye in the more detailed description of this gadget. You've come this far of your own accord, despite my warnings not to. So fuck you, and read on.

At one end of the tube, there is the head light connected with one end of the battery. At the other end of the tube, there is the cartridge which has an inhaler connected with the smoking liquid container. At the middle of the tube, there are several important micro-electronic components, such as control circuit, pneumatic airflow sensor switch, vaporizer etc., inside a tube of stainless steel for simulating the smoking. The electronic circuit is connected with the battery at one side, and connected with the pneumatic switch and vaporizer at another side. Inside the vaporizer, there is a heating device, which is connected with the pneumatic switch at one side, and connected with the smoking liquid container at another side.

There is an air flow channel across along the tube. It is easy to use E-CIGARETTE: once you put the battery and the smoking liquid cartridge inside of E-CIGARETTE, you are ready to enjoy your smoking whenever and wherever you want. When you inhale E-CIGARETTE, the pneumatic switch acts under the inhaling pressure of the air flow so that the electronic circuit is on by a magnetic induction, the head of E-CIGARETTE light turns red, and the vaporizer atomizes the smoking liquid in the liquid container. When you stop to inhale E-CIGARETTE, the pneumatic switch is off, so that the electronic circuit stops automatically; and the red light as well as the vaporizer stops also. If the red light of the head becomes darker, it is the time for you to recharge the battery. If the smoke becomes less, you can change the cartridge or add more E-Smoking liquid by putting few E-Smoking liquid drops in the smoking liquid container inside the E-CIGARETTE.

So. It's a tube...where at one end there is a smoking liquid container...and at the other air flow channel...through which you inhale.

Now...I'm not saying what this reminds me of, because I'm a completely innocent soul. I prefer to leave it to your imaginations, to wonder - in those late night moments, surrounded by friends, in a darkly lit basement away from the prying eyes of puritans and authoritative figures...

"Hmm. What an interesting device. I wonder what other uses I could get out of this?"

Such speculation is unseemly, and you should all be thoroughly ashamed of yourselves for even CONSIDERING using this innocent device for nefarious purposes. Shame. Shame on you all.

...but were I YOU, I might look into the uses of hash oil or cannabis oil mixed with the ejuice. Just sayin', is all.

Monkey out.