Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Painting Amerika Red

When does it end?

There's a new movement taking place to encourage "red blooded Americans" (as opposed to blue-blooded?) to show their patriotism. This has started circulating the web lately, generally titled Red Fridays:
Wear Red on Friday
You will soon see a lot of people wearing RED on Fridays. The Americans who support our troops, are the silent majority. We are not "organized" to reflect who we are, or to reflect what our opinions are. Many Americans, like yourself, would like to start a grass roots movement using the membership of the Special Operations Association, and Special Special Forces Associations, and all their friends, simply to recognize that Americans support our Troops.

We need to inform the local VFW'S and American Legion, our local press, local TV, and continue carrying the message to the national levels as we get this going. Our idea of showing our solidarity and support for our troops is starting Friday, and continuing on each and every Friday, until this is over, that every RED – BLOODED AMERICIAN who supports our young men and women, WEAR SOMETHING RED, each and every Friday,

Let's get the word out and lead by example; wear RED on Fridays.

I sent this out to everyone on my email list; hopefully, you will too.
Please forward this to everyone you know!!

Now...why do I have to wear RED to show my patriotism ? Shouldn't it be Red, White and Blue? If I wear just Blue, am I less of a patriot ? Why do I feel like this is a way of saying the so-called Red States are true Americans, and us Blue-Stater's are less so - unless we switch to Red?

Yeah, I could be reading way too much into it - but then again...if this were a true partisan plea, it would have been more of a Patriot Fridays rather than Red Fridays. wasn't that long ago that when you spoke about the were talking about Communists. Ironic, isn't it?

What're we gonna call the Chinese Government now that Red stands for patriotism?


Monday, July 18, 2005

Truth In Advertising

It was sad enough seeing boxers sell their backs to casino advertising. I remember reading about the guy who sold his forehead space on eBay and thinking "what a maroon!" Then we got the pregnant woman who sold her belly space for advertising, and I thought "where does it all end?"

You'd think municipal governments would be immune to such nonsense, right? But it wasn't that long ago that we started putting electronic ad banners on taxi lights and subway station entrances, and I know how much we all enjoy those "wrapped" buses. Don't forget that we recently sold our school systems to the Snapple Lady, and I swear last winter they rented Central Park for a few weeks to Home Depot.

I could be wrong on that last one.

But today I found myself walking down 55th street and noticed something odd on the sidewalk. It turned out to be a printed ad for a new special on CourtTV.

An ad. On the sidewalk itself.

I gotta hand it to Mayor Bloomy, that was a stroke of genius! Do you realize how much of an untapped potential that is?! I mean, people HAVE to walk the sidewalks, right? All of us natives know better than to look up at anyone; they might be a tourist and ask us directions or, worse, turn out to be a fellow native NYer and take offense! So we all walk around with our heads bowed, looking at what?

The sidewalks! You've got a captive audience right there!

Think of the possibilities now; can you imagine all the other untapped advertising resources this city offers?

Arbor DayThat's right baby, trees! NYC isn't exactly known for it's treeline, but we can change that in one double-edged sword stroke! Remember that idio...I mean, fantastic "cow" thing we had a couple of years ago, with all the struggling unknown artists painting cows (the unheralded mascot of the Big Apple, who knew?) and littering the city with them?

Well let's do some trees! Let's face it, we're paying way too much money to the Parks Department for upkeep on those bug-baiting, ozone-creating eyesores. Dump all those ordinary brown and green anorexic stalks into a wood chipper and let the artists go buck wild, creating trees from whatever their poor little unfunded hearts desire! Tree sculptures, metal trees, carved trees (wow wouldn't that be ironic?), lego trees, trees having sex...

Then slap ads all over those puppies! Hell, you want product placement? Stick a Trojan ad on a sculpture of a pair of metal trees having sex on top of a woodpile, and watch as the sparks fly - bringing in free advertising, and much dinero for the city! Whoo-hoo!

Kids are People Too
Let's face it folks; your kids are running the streets and you have no idea what they're doing, do you? Well let them generate some cash flow! They're already doing it for the fashion industry; I mean, i'm sure Sean John and Tommy Hilfiger already know their own names, what reason could they possibly have for plastering it all over their clothing lines?

Advertising, that's why! Why should you parents and the city be denied a piece of that pie? We're already putting school uniforms on the little rugrats, who says we can't slap a label or two (or twenty) on those jackets? NASCAR does it, why can't we? Hell, make them pay for their own education, I say!

The Sky's the Limit
Does anyone technically *own* the airspace over the city? Can you say, free advertising space? If Batman can do it, why can't Napster? Picture this: hundreds of giant spotlights lighting up the New York City skyline, plastering shadowy images of Corporate America across the clouded night sky! You'll have people BEGGING for a cloudy day, just to maximize our advertising revenue! People in airplanes passing by can't help but be dazzled by our shining display of capitalist largesse! Times Square will look like a hooker's street corner compared to our skyline!

Mayor Bloomberg. Mike. Buddy! I give these ideas to you free of charge. My only hope is that you continue turning this city into a mirror of your own corporate empire, finding new and innovative ways for the City to pad that financial war chest.

Now if you'll excuse me, I had an extra butt-cheek on a 2nd subway seat yesterday, and I've got a $200 fine to go pay off.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Equal Opportunity Insulter II

I was told that puerto ricans weren't fully represented in my last, so for the sake of being politically correct, here you go:

Q: Why are there no Puerto Rican’s on “Star Trek”?
A: They still don’t work in the future.

Q: Why is there so little Puerto Rican literature?
A: Because spray paint wasn't invented `till 1949.

Q: Why don't Puerto Ricans have checking accounts?
A: Because it's hard to sign checks with a spray can.

Q: What do you call a Puerto Rican with $10.
A: A thief.

Q: What do you call a Puerto Rican midget?
A: A speck.

Q: What's Puerto Rican foreplay?
A: "Is your husband back from work yet, Carol?"

Three Proofs that Jesus was Puerto Rican
a)His first name was Jesus
b)He was always in trouble with the law
c)His mother did not know who his father was

8) What do you get when you cross a Puerto Rican and a Chinaman?
A: A car thief who can't drive.

Three men, an American, a Russian, and a Puerto Rican, are standing on a bridge. The Russian removes a bottle of vodka from his coat, takes a sip, and then throws the bottle over the bridge.

The Puerto Rican asks, "Why did you do that? That was a perfectly good bottle of vodka!"

The Russian replies, "There's plenty of that where I come from."

The Puerto Rican doesn't want to be upstaged, so he removes a joint from his pocket, takes a long puff, and then throws the rest of it over the bridge.

The American exclaims, "Hey! What the hell did you do that for? That was a perfectly good joint!"

The Puerto Rican replies, "There's plenty of that where I come from."

Now, the American doesn't want to be upstaged, so he searches through his pockets but he can't find anything. He looks around for a moment, then grabs the Puerto Rican and throws him over the bridge.

The Russian exclaims, "What the hell did you do that for?"

The American replies, "There's plenty of that where I come from."

Equal Opportunity Insulter

WARNING: These will offend. Badly. Unless you've got a good sense of humor, in which case you'll be laughing as loud as I was. Since I haven't been dissin' the brothas lately:

Q: Why are aspirins white?
A: Because they work.

Q: What has six legs and goes: "Ho-de-do, ho-de-do, ho-de-do"?
A: Three blacks running for the elevator.

Q: What's the definition of the word "Confusion"?
A: Father's day in Harlem.

Q: Do you know why so many blacks were killed in Vietnam?
A: Because every time the seargeant said: "Get down!" they stood up and started dancing.

Q: What did God say when he saw the first black person?
A: Ooops, I burnt one!

Q: Why is Stevey Wonder Smiling all the time?
A: He doesn't know he's black.

Q: Blacks took over Toys R us.
A: The renamed it to We B toys.

Q: A black guy and a Mexican guy opened a restaurant.
A: It's called Nacho Mama.

Q: What do you get when you cross an Eskimo with a black person?
A: A Snowblower that Doesn't work!

Q: What do you call an Negro with a peg leg?
A: Shit on a stick.

Q: What does an apple and a Negro have in common?
A: They both look soooo pretty hanging from a tree.

Q: How do you starve a black man?
A: Put his food stamps in his work boots.

Q: Why don't blacks like Tylenol?
A: They have to pick cotton to get to them.

Q: What did the black women get for getting an abortion?
A: Fat cash from crime stoppers.

Q: What does a black person get for Christmas?
A: Your bike!!!

Q: How do you keep black people out of your back yard?
A: Hang one in the front!!

Q: What is the difference between a black and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.

Q: Why do you never hit a black on a bike?
A: Because it is probably your bike.

Q: Why are black people so tall?
A: Because their knee grows.

Q: Why do black people wear hats covering their face?
A: So the birds don't shit on their lips.

Q: What is white with a black asshole?
A: The A-Team

Q: How many black people does it take to pave a road?
A: Depends on how heavy the roller is.

Q: When is the only time u concentrate on a black man.
A: Behind the eyepiece of your rifle.

Q: What's the difference between batman and a blackman?
A: Batman can go to the store with out robin.

Q: What's the difference between shit and a black?
A: Eventually Shit turns white and stops stinking.

Q: Is it better to be born black or gay?
A: Black - because you don't have to tell your folks.

Q: How do they say "fuck you" in Los Angeles?
A: Trust me.

Q: What's the definition of black foreplay?
A: Don't scream or I'll kill you.

Q: How do you know Adam and Eve weren't black?
A: Ever try and take a rib from a black.

Q: Who won the race down the tunnel, the black or the Pole?
A: The Pole because the black had to stop to write "motherfucker" on the wall.

Q: What do you get when you cross a black and a groundhog?
A: 6 more weeks of basketball season.

Q: Why do blacks always have sex on their minds?
A: Because of the pubic hair on their heads.

Q: Did you hear about the new black French restaurant?
A: It's called Chez What.

Q: What did Lincoln say after his five day drunk?
A: I freed whom.

Q: What's long, black and smelly?
A: The unemployment line.

Q: Why don't blacks like blowjobs?
A: They don't like any jobs.

Q: What do you get when you cross a black prostitute with a Chinese woman?
A: A broad that sucks shirts.

Q: How do you make a black nervous?
A: Take him to an auction.

Q: What do you call a black prostitute with braces?
A: A black and Decker pecker wrecker.

Q: What do you call a black test tube baby?
A: Janitor in a drum.

Q: Why do blacks smell so bad?
A: So the blind can hate them too.

Q: How did they invent break dancing?
A: Trying to steal the hubcaps off a moving car.

Q: Why did God invent golf?
A: So white people could dress up like blacks.

Q: What do you call a black man in Thailand?
A: A tycoon.

Q: Why do blacks keep their fly's open?
A: In case they have to count to eleven.

Q: How do you stop a black baby from crying?
A: Wet his lips and stick him to the wall.

Q: Did you hear that the KKK bought the movie rights to Roots?
A: They're going to play it backwards so it has a happy ending.

Q: What do you call 4 blacks in a 57 chevy?
A: Blood vessel.

Q: Why do blacks wear white gloves?
A: So they don't bite their fingers eating tootsie rolls.

Q: Why did so many blacks get killed in the war?
A: When the Colonel yelled get down, they all got up and danced.

Q: What's the definition of worthless?
A: A 7'2" black man with a small prick, that can't play basketball.

Q: What do you call a black with a new bike?
A: A thief.

Q: What do you call a black with a new caddie?
A: A better thief.

Q: Why don't black kids jump on their beds?
A: Because they'll stick to the velcro on the ceiling.

Q: How do you get them down once they're stuck?
A: Tell Mexican kids they're pinatas.

Q: Did you hear about Klu Klux Kneivel?
A: He tried to jump over 8 blacks with a steam roller.

Q: How can you tell when a black as been on your computer?
A: It is not there.

Q: Why do black women wear high heels?
A: So their knuckles don't drag.

Q: Why are black guys eyes red after sex?
A: From the pepper spray.

Q: What do you call one white guy surrounded by 10,000 black guys?
A: Warden.

Q: What do you call one white guy surrounded by 10 black guys?
A: The quarterback.

Q: How do you get a black man out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: What do you call a black person on birth-control?
A: Crime prevention.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

The End of America

I saw this article by Mike Adams, and his opinion of our current political status here in America and it's relation to the holiday that just passed. I thought I'd share, given my previous blog.

Mike Adams, July 3rd 2005

July 4th and the end of America, land of the free

Happy July 4th. On this, the 229th birthday of our nation, we find the very foundation of our nation in grave danger as our (elected?) leaders continue to destroy many of the rights and freedoms our forefathers worked so hard to put in place. It is no coincidence that, this very week, our President has created a domestic spy service called the National Security Service. That's the NSS, not to be confused with the SS of Nazi Germany, which had much the same function in pre-war Germany.

Amendment IV: The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Not to be outdone in the race to a police state, the Supreme Court lobotomized the 4th Amendment last week. There is no longer anything resembling "private property" in this country. There is only the illusion of ownership, as long as it is allowed by your government. At the stroke of a pen, any government (city, state, federal) can seize your land and your home, for any reason.

In other words, the State is now the true owner of all land and all property. The very term "owner" refers to the person or organization that controls the use of that land. If you don't control its use, you are not the owner. The State is. You just pay rent. And if you don't cooperate with government takeover of your land, they can always declare you a terrorist and seize your land under The Patriot Act.

Speaking of The Patriot Act, this misguided act allows the U.S. government to secretly tap your phone lines without a court order. It also allows the feds to rifle through library records in order to spot "terrorist readers" who apparently frequent these institutions of knowledge. Libraries are terrorist training camps, didn't you know?

Amendment VI: In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.

Think the Bill of Rights still applies in this country? The 6th Amendment has been nullified by the practices taking place at Guantanamo Bay. The U.S. government simply kidnaps anyone they want, ships them off to Gitmo, then leaves them there to rot,
without being charged, without a trial, and without legal representation. By calling them "enemy combatants," the Bush Administration seemingly avoids having to abide by the Geneva Convention as well, which requires certain standards of treatment
for prisoners of war.

Amendment XIV: ...nor shall any state deprive any person of life,
liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.

As the Bush Administration runs rampant over the U.S. Constitution and the Bill of Rights, do you feel any safer from terrorists? Do you feel like this administration is protecting your life, liberty and property? Are you any freer or safer today than you were five years ago?

Of course not. We're all in far more danger, and we're all less free. Our Constitution and its Bill of Rights lie in shambles. The very fact that this is happening reckons back to the purpose of the Bill of Rights in the first place: to ensure that no government tramples on its people.

You see, our nation's forefathers understood that the greatest threat to freedom was not an enemy nation, but rather a nation's own government. The Bill of Rights was created for the sole purpose of limiting the power of government over the people. Our forefathers knew that all governments eventually get out of control and become oppressive regimes. So they purposefully created the Bill of Rights in an effort to guarantee that no government could deprive its citizens of free speech, freedom to bear arms, the right to own land, and other rights necessary for the prosperity of a free nation.

That our own government is systematically destroying the Bill of Rights is proof that our forefathers were correct.

I wonder: when will all the Bush-supporting people in this country realize they're driving us head-first into a police state? No administration in the history of this country has done more to take away our personal freedoms than this one. And yet half the country is rallying behind this President.

The people have no idea what they've done. They've sent this country spiraling down the dark path of a police state. They've looked the other way while our rights and freedoms were stolen. They've supported an unjustified attack on a foreign state that will only serve to breed more terrorists who understandably hate this country and its people. The Bush Administration has created a terrorist breeding ground that will haunt this nation for a hundred years or more.

So happy 4th of July. It's a national holiday that celebrates the founding of a great nation. But this 4th of July, that great nation no longer exists. Instead, we have a police state, operated under the illusion of freedom. The illusion of Democracy. The illusion that your vote counts. The illusion that by giving up your freedoms, you'll gain security.

This July 4th, I'm not watching any fireworks displays. Why? Because I know what they stand for, and I can't stand to witness such blatant hypocrisy in the night sky. Don't people realize they're watching a fireworks display that symbolizes all the very freedoms and rights that are right now being taken away from them?

To watch a fireworks display and smile is to live in utter ignorance of what is happening to our nation. It's an apt distraction, however. What better time to pull the rug of freedom out from under peoples' feet than to catch them staring blankly into the sky?

If you truly watch a July 4th fireworks display this year, friends, watch it and weep. Weep for the memory of a once-great nation that used to cherish the freedoms of its citizens. Weep for the damned souls of those leaders who have misled us.

Weep for our children who will never know a free America.

Weep for the lost dreams of our forefathers who tried an experiment called Democracy, where governments were run for the benefit of the people; where elected leaders represented the interests and needs of the common folk; where our rights and freedoms were guaranteed under rule of law.

This July 4th, that experiment has run its course, and it has failed. Goodbye, America, land of the free. Make way for Amerika, land of Homeland Security.

Monday, July 04, 2005

Pow Bang Zoom

Pow Bang Zoom!

Happy Birthday, America. I hope you all had a great Independence Day.

I was on the phone with a friend earlier and was asked what I thought at the time was a strange question. We were talking about the fireworks; he and his wife were going to watch it on television "for the ninth year in a row", and he asked me:

"So what's the big deal about the fireworks anyway? Why do people watch them?"


Obviously, he's not from around these here parts. Born in China, here in the US for...well, about 10 years. My instant response was to compare it to the fireworks on Chinese New Year, to which I got a non-commital "oh". But the question has been on the brain all night. What is the big deal with the fireworks?

Sure I can tell you why we do it; it's reminscent of the battle for our independence, the explosions of cannon fire and mortar fired back and forth by our founding fathers and the british troops. "And the rockets red glare...the bombs bursting in air...gave proof through the night that our flag was still there". Kudos to Mr. Francis Scott Key, and kudos to my elementary school teachers (go public school!) for this stuff sticking with me through the years.

But why do we go goo-goo over them, every single year? Or do we anymore?

I gotta tell you, folks; I do. Every year. I'm just not happy unless I'm watching some fireworks, some place, for the 4th of July. It seems wrong otherwise.

Maybe it's because I grew up in a typically American household, when it came to the holiday. Every year we'd pile up into my grandfather's station wagon and go...someplace. Bear Mountain, or Tallman Mountain. Or, in the really good years, Asbury Park, or Rye Playland. It'd be my grands, aunts, cousins, my mom, sisters...I swear we fit 20 people in that old-ass station wagon, with us kids piled up in the back facing the road and trying not to get too crammed up in a corner.

I remember this one year, we'd stayed here in the city. A bunch of us walked across the Concourse in the Bronx (where I lived at the time) to Fransiego Park (it probably isn't spelled that way, but who cares) right across from Cardinal Hayes High School. It was a cheap-ass park, favored by the crack-heads just a few blocks down on Jerome, but it had a softball field which for our neighborhood was an oasis.

So it's getting dark, and this year instead of shooting off the fireworks from the Stadium (there's only one that matters) they were going to do it from the park. They set up the fireworks in the outfield, and we were all lined up on the other side of the chain link fence blocking off the field, up on a little hill looking down on the diamond. Surprisingly it wasn't that crowded. Or maybe I was just too excited, and didn't care; hell I was, what, 12? 13?

They started firing off those displays, and we lay there on the grass looking up at the sky, watching the fireworks and doing our part with the ooohs, and ahhhs...then the embers started coming down.

I know they were safe, I know - and knew then - that they weren't actually coming down around us...but damned if it didn't look like they were! We were scared and excited and thrilled at the same time; all us kids just ran around, our hands over our ears while trying to "dodge" the falling embers. It was like magical rain pouring down from the sky, fire sprinkled over us but never actually touching us.

When it was over we just lay there, catching our breath, laughing at each other's cowardice and pretending we weren't scared ourselves.

It was a blast.

And maybe that's why I still still marvel at the fireworks, I look for them so I can smile, and go "ooh" and "ahh". Because it evokes so many good memories.

Hope you all had a few good ones of your own :)