Truth In Advertising

It was sad enough seeing boxers sell their backs to casino advertising. I remember reading about the guy who sold his forehead space on eBay and thinking "what a maroon!" Then we got the pregnant woman who sold her belly space for advertising, and I thought "where does it all end?"

You'd think municipal governments would be immune to such nonsense, right? But it wasn't that long ago that we started putting electronic ad banners on taxi lights and subway station entrances, and I know how much we all enjoy those "wrapped" buses. Don't forget that we recently sold our school systems to the Snapple Lady, and I swear last winter they rented Central Park for a few weeks to Home Depot.

I could be wrong on that last one.

But today I found myself walking down 55th street and noticed something odd on the sidewalk. It turned out to be a printed ad for a new special on CourtTV.

An ad. On the sidewalk itself.

I gotta hand it to Mayor Bloomy, that was a stroke of genius! Do you realize how much of an untapped potential that is?! I mean, people HAVE to walk the sidewalks, right? All of us natives know better than to look up at anyone; they might be a tourist and ask us directions or, worse, turn out to be a fellow native NYer and take offense! So we all walk around with our heads bowed, looking at what?

The sidewalks! You've got a captive audience right there!

Think of the possibilities now; can you imagine all the other untapped advertising resources this city offers?

Arbor DayThat's right baby, trees! NYC isn't exactly known for it's treeline, but we can change that in one double-edged sword stroke! Remember that idio...I mean, fantastic "cow" thing we had a couple of years ago, with all the struggling unknown artists painting cows (the unheralded mascot of the Big Apple, who knew?) and littering the city with them?

Well let's do some trees! Let's face it, we're paying way too much money to the Parks Department for upkeep on those bug-baiting, ozone-creating eyesores. Dump all those ordinary brown and green anorexic stalks into a wood chipper and let the artists go buck wild, creating trees from whatever their poor little unfunded hearts desire! Tree sculptures, metal trees, carved trees (wow wouldn't that be ironic?), lego trees, trees having sex...

Then slap ads all over those puppies! Hell, you want product placement? Stick a Trojan ad on a sculpture of a pair of metal trees having sex on top of a woodpile, and watch as the sparks fly - bringing in free advertising, and much dinero for the city! Whoo-hoo!

Kids are People Too
Let's face it folks; your kids are running the streets and you have no idea what they're doing, do you? Well let them generate some cash flow! They're already doing it for the fashion industry; I mean, i'm sure Sean John and Tommy Hilfiger already know their own names, what reason could they possibly have for plastering it all over their clothing lines?

Advertising, that's why! Why should you parents and the city be denied a piece of that pie? We're already putting school uniforms on the little rugrats, who says we can't slap a label or two (or twenty) on those jackets? NASCAR does it, why can't we? Hell, make them pay for their own education, I say!

The Sky's the Limit
Does anyone technically *own* the airspace over the city? Can you say, free advertising space? If Batman can do it, why can't Napster? Picture this: hundreds of giant spotlights lighting up the New York City skyline, plastering shadowy images of Corporate America across the clouded night sky! You'll have people BEGGING for a cloudy day, just to maximize our advertising revenue! People in airplanes passing by can't help but be dazzled by our shining display of capitalist largesse! Times Square will look like a hooker's street corner compared to our skyline!

Mayor Bloomberg. Mike. Buddy! I give these ideas to you free of charge. My only hope is that you continue turning this city into a mirror of your own corporate empire, finding new and innovative ways for the City to pad that financial war chest.

Now if you'll excuse me, I had an extra butt-cheek on a 2nd subway seat yesterday, and I've got a $200 fine to go pay off.