Tuesday, November 04, 2003

Offline and Reality Bites

November 4, 2003 - Tuesday

Offline and Reality Bites!

I'm somewhat pleased to announce that I CAN kick the electronic habit anytime I want to. Really.

For reasons I will NOT get into right now, I've been sans TV and web access for about a week, give or take some quick sneaks online at work. I felt like a junkie going through withdrawals, and I'm still playing catchup.

But like a true trooper I withstood the assault on my digital senses and survived, all the better for knowing I am no longer dependant on bits and bytes for my entertainment.

Having said that, I went channel surfing for the first time in a week yesterday - and stumbled across NBC's latest bucket of piss: "Average Joe".

I'm bored, so I figure why not. Holy mother of creation, this was easily the funniest concept for a reality show I've seen yet! Mind you, this is coming from someone who stopped watching these pap smears with the 2nd season of Survivor; nothing yet has peaked my interest, and that includes American Idol.

But this...sweet Bajeezus. I laughed, I cried. For those not in the know, the concept is they take a supermodel-esque Barbie lookalike and pull a "Bachelorette" on her, with a twist: all the guys are dorks, nerds, geeks and freaks. Oh my fucking god, it was like a Revenge of the Nerds reunion show!

I thought it was funny enough when the idiot-jock stereotype cracked an egg on the uber-geek with the combover's head. I thought it was even funnier when he ran squealing back to the house because gods-forbid the egg should stain and ruin his shirt. I was incredulous when they cheered bucky the wide-smiled wonder nerd who "rescued" the shirt, hand washing it for combover king.

But then they introduced the boyz to Barbie, and then the fun began.

First: it was a sad, cruel joke to have the tall, long-locked pretty boy step out of a limo to her first, just to tell her that he's not one of the bachelors but he wanted to wish her good luck. When she whimpered "please stay" as he walked off, I nearly lost it. "Oh baby, you don't know the HALF of what's headed your way! Mwah-hah-hah!!"

Second: how fucking clueless do you have to be not to realize there's a joke being played on you when Kathy Griffin, the retarded redhead from - of all shows - Suddenly Susan - is the host? I mean, really - did she honestly think this was going to be a serious dating show?

My powers of precognition kicked into full gear, because I knew combover-king was going to be the first to meet and greet. I mean with that big cro-magnon Leader-esque forehead, the cheesy combover and - AND - the black hornrim glasses, he became the posterboy for nerdy desperation.

The look on Barbie's face was priceless. First the anticipatory smile as the shadowy figure emerges, then the look of absolute incredulity - the wide-eyed surprise, the mouth agape - fucking priceless! But to her credit it only lasted a second, then the fake "Oh fuck I'm on TV I've got to deal with this" smile came out and she took each and every behemoth and troglodyte in stride. Major props to Barbie.

The guys, on the other hand...holy shit. I thought half of them were going to cream their pants. Combover barely made it past her without stumbling. Another had his shoes untied. Yet another actually commented to her on how good her, err, assets looked.

Best line: this one blubber boy, who frankly has sleaze written all over him, says to the camera that with some guys deciding to "hang back" from the meet and greet and with 4 facing elimination, that puts him within 8 guys of one "hot piece of ass".

Dream on, Shamoo.

End of show, one of the guys booted actually said "But I need a girl!"

Fucking priceless.

Nothing else is on Mondays at 10. What the fuck, right?