iForgive Me iFather, For i Have iSinned

Pope Benedict XVI, standing on the spot where he first appeared as the newly-elected pontiff last spring, warned in his first Christmas Day message against technological advances made in the absence of religious belief. "Today we can marshal vast material resources," he said, addressing thousands of people in a rainy St. Peter's Square. "But the men and women in our technological age risk becoming victims of their own intellectual and technical achievements, ending up in spiritual barrenness and emptiness of heart. "Yet without the light of Christ, the light of reason is not sufficient to enlighten humanity and the world."

Now...having said that...I come across the following article:

28 December 2005
THE IGOD
SERMONS ON YOUR MP3 PLAYER
By Vanessa Allen

VICARS are putting sermons on the internet so worshippers can play them on their iPods.

Religious leaders believe the hi-tech approach will help those such as the elderly and infirm who can't get to church but also reach out to the young. Users subscribe to an internet service allowing them to download on to their iPod, a system known as podcasting.

Rev Shannon Ledbetter said: "For the elderly and housebound this is fantastic, all you need to do is fix them up with an iPod and they're good to go.

"For the young also, there is so much information there, which can help to answer their questions about their faith."

Rev Ledbetter, 43, of St Mary's church, Knowsley, Merseyside, added: "This will bring church numbers up, because people who tune in to the podcasts will want to experience the full spectrum of worship." Steve Evans, of Bridge Chapel Christian church in Liverpool, said: "Large numbers of new people are coming down and joining simply because of the downloads and podcasts.

"All our congregation has to do is subscribe to the service and every time they plug their mp3 player in, the updates will automatically be transferred."

God help us, every one. It's bad enough with this whole Attack of the iPod People thing we have going, but combine the fanatical devotion to iTech with...well, with fanaticism and what do you have?

The Bush Administration. But we knew that already.

BTW: LOVE the title of that article. iGod. Hah!

Time Oh Give Me Time

Attention passengers: the world is slowly coming to a halt. Please put your trays in the upright position and prepare to disembark.

Seriously.

On Saturday, at exactly 7 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, one second will be added to our official record of time — Coordinated Universal Time, kept by a series of atomic clocks, housed in environmentally sealed vaults in about 80 timekeeping laboratories around the world and certified by the International Bureau of Weights and Measures in Paris.

The reason for the extra second is simple: The earth is slowing down. Since the days of Sir Isaac Newton, scientists have understood the time it takes for the earth to make a full rotation is getting longer. The gradual deceleration is caused by the gravitational pull of the moon. The same force that brings the tides is putting the brakes on the earth, albeit very slowly.

And because time is a function of planetary movement, our days are getting longer and, depending on how you look at it, time is slowing down.

So when you show up late for work on Monday, you now have a valid excuse. It isn't your fault, you're just trying to keep pace with the rest of the world.

Happy New Year.

Music to Go. Really To Go.

You think your iPod represents the ultimate in music portability? Feast your eyes, true believers, on this special little system:

This is the first luggage with a built-in music system that provides the clear, robust sound of a home stereo. The luggage contains two embedded 3" stereo speakers, an amplifier, and a 4" integral subwoofer for deep, powerful sound with almost no loss of packing space. A connection jack accommodates an iPod or any sound device with a headphone jack. The luggage also includes a jack that allows you to add your own microphone, transforming the suitcase into a public address system for presentations. Sound controls are protected by a cover, and the handle is sturdy aircraft-grade aluminum that extends or retracts at the touch of a button.

It's luggage.

With a built-in stereo speaker system.

Now...I need someone to explain this to me. Because I'm obviously very dense, and not quite understanding something.

What in the hell would I use this for?! Is it for those many, many moments when - frustrated at airport delays and forced to spend too much time and money at the terminal bar - I suddenly have the drunken urge to break out into a karaoke rendition Frank Sinatra's "Come Fly With Me"? I'll be the belle of the airport terminal! "Can I get a shout out from all the peeps from Omaha? Woot!"

Seriously people, someone sat down and thought to themselves "you know, I love my luggage but something is missing..." Speakers. In your luggage.

Don't they tell you to AVOID putting expensive electronics inside your check-in luggage, to prevent damage and/or theft? Does this still apply if your luggage IS the expensive electronic equipment?

I can imagine you trying to get this through customs at the airport. "No really, officer, it's a stereo system. " It's like you're Ben Kenobi, trying to get past the stormtroopers using the Force. "These are not the bombs you're looking for." Those gestapo at JFK International will tear this thing to shreds, offer you up a shrug in lieu of a mea culpa, then forget they ever saw you.

But the luggage handlers will love you for it. After all, now they have a place to plug their iPods into. Party on!

Papa, How Could You?

Yessiree, I had me a big ol' hankering for a slice o' pie. Pizza pie, that is.

If you haven't cottened to it yet, Papa John's has this neat online ordering feature where you just log in, all your info is already there (once you've used it once), and bam! you can place your pie order for delivery in 30 minutes.

Except...I had a coupon. $14.99 large 2 topping & an order of Papa's Wings. Mmmm, love me some Papa's Wings. So I try to order. Price? $22. Wait a minute now, Papa...I gots me a coupon, remember!

Except...there ain't no place to put a coupon! Or is there? "Promotional code"...sounds like ah found mah thrill (dum-da-dum-dumdumdum).

Enter Promotional Code: ?!?!?!?

Papa...there AIN'T no promotional code on your coupons, you lyin' sumbitch! I can either pay full price, or *gasp* PICK UP THE PHONE!! How could you do this to me?!

Not that it mattered. I only had 15 bucks in my wallet anyway. Damn.

Chinese, anyone?

Streets of New York

I firmly believe that the next great reality television show (and I say that, tongue in cheek) should be Homeless in New York. Forget Borneo, Oahu, Fiji...make those contestants spend a few weeks on the streets of New York City. In February. If for no other reason, I'd tune in just to watch them interact with the real homeless; THERE'S where the real entertainment is.

Case in point: today's episode of The Subway System. As I walk down the steps there's a man (and yes Virginia, he WAS a paler shade of grey) very nicely going out of his way to hand a dollar to a homeless man (who was, to further our stereotype, quite a bit darker than your average, um, well you get the point). I can appreciate the effort made by our erstwhile do-gooder, except that said homeless man was sitting smack dab on the middle of the staircase eating a hearty meal. And said good samaritan was on the opposite side, leaning over the divider to cut off people walking DOWN the stairs onto the platform. Jackass.

But I digress.As I stood there, with the D train sitting in the platform and the doors open, our Raggedy Andy suddenly started waxing poetic at some poor schlub on the train. Such poetry! "You oreo cookie cutter, fake black man!" "You ain't a real black man, you a house nigguh!" "Do you even know what it is to be black?"And on, and on.

Of course, in what I personally believe to be an act of cruelty, the train chose then to sit in the platform indefinitely while the mystery man inside the car endured this diatribe. I could only imagine the snickering taking place behind his back as they all stood, shoulder to shoulder packed inside the car. Really, what could the poor fool do? Insult the homeless guy? Defend his "blackness"? Beat the old man senseless for insulting him? It's a total no-win situation, made worse by being trapped on the train with no place to go.

Come on, tell me this wouldn't have made great tv!

Dick Tracy, Eat Your Heart Out

This being my first official Droppings post, I should probably write something of great import. Or at least something humorous. Point out where this blog is supposed to go, and wax philosophical with you.

But then I saw this, and this was just waaayyyyy too cool for school.



It's a digital watch, cell phone with wireless earpiece, and a detachable digital camera. If this thing has a web browser, I swear I'll wet myself.

It's such a flashback to the 80s, isn't it? The days when Nerds (tm) roamed wild in the prehistoric internet, flashing their calculator watches like shields against the world.

It's clunky as all hell. It's kitschy. It screams "geek" with every silicon blip. I'd get bored with it within a month, tops.

And yeah, I want one. Like, major jonesy want one.

Oh shut up. You know you want one too.

Maybe It's For "Josie and the Hello Kitties"?

I found this new Fender Stratocaster lying around the web.

Stef - when you start up your girl band, this is a MUST HAVE. Cuz nuthin' says "Hot Chick" like a Hello Kitty Stratocaster!

And yes, Virginia, there is a Bass as well.

Seriously. I don't think even a Puffy AmiYumi knockoff band could make this guitar look cool.

How I Learned To Love The Bomb

Here's a cheery thought that popped into my head this afternoon, when considering the idea of whether or not hydrogen fuel cells will be a viable alternative to the combustible engine:

Wasn't the Hindenburg* filled with hydrogen?

* Fun Fact: The fire that destroyed the Hindenburg back in 1937 wasn't caused by hydrogen. NASA scientists (because they obviously had nothing else to spend those billions on) have found that the Hindenburg's outer shell was coated with a compound similar to what is now used in solid rocket fuel. Solid. Rocket. Fuel. When the ship docked, an electrical charge ignited the coating. Boom.

I mean, it shouldn't take a rocket scientist to realize that surrounding a highly combustible fuel in a shell made from a highly combustible material is pretty stupid. Or...in this case...maybe it did take a rocket scientist. Or one of those guys from Jackass: The Movie.

Vita Soy, It Good For You

Joking around with a friend the other day about a particular picture she recently took, I thought I'd poke a little fun at her and blazon the image with all kinds of japanese ad slogans and cartoon characters.

Well I got a little sidetracked from that plan when I stumbled across a site where two ugly Americans (are there any other kinds?) decided to taste, test and review various Asian soft drinks. Several seconds later I'm still looking for the intenstines I laughed onto the floor somewhere; needless to say, I had to share some of their reviews!

Disclaimer: None of the opinions expressed in the following are representative of the views held by Fried Monkey, Trickster Studios, or any of the poor fools chained to their desks under the guise of "working" there. Meaning me. But the opinions are funny as shit, so have fun reading them.

Basil Seed Drink with Honey
If the can on this drink hadn't expressly stated it was a "drink", I would never have believed it. It even shows the stuff in a bowl on the side of a can. I identified the flavor as banana. I thought maybe basil seeds taste like banana. But I just read the ingredients and the final line is "banana flavour added." At first I was amazed that the basil seeds seemed to float serenely and evenly throughout the drink rather than collecting at the bottom. It was only after I tried it that I realized they weren't floating in anything, they were stacked one upon the other. I can only imagine enjoying Basil Seed Drink is exactly like enjoying a jar of frog eggs.

Milkis
Ah, "Made in Korea", as the can claims, but I wonder...which Korea? For would not North Korea develop a seemingly innocuous, citrusy, foamy, "tastes like kids aspirin" taste sensation in order to entice heretofore U.S. citizens into consuming an "allied" beverage - brewed from spooge? I just bet they're snickering all the way to Pyongyang at the Imperialist Americans. But granted, it didn't taste bad. Not "good", but not puke enticing. By the way, my notes read: "Foamy white." Sounds like manjack to me!

Grand Western Grass Jelly Drink
Drinks ought not to have flesh in them. Seems rather obvious, except to Taiwan. "Wrong" permeates this thing like stink on colon beef. I hate to repeat my cohort in the defense of the World Against Crazy Asian Drinks, but it tastes like flat, lukewarm cola with chunks of gelatin. Chunks-of-gelatin. As you swallow, the chunks invade your mouth, march upon the gullet and occupy your stomach where they celebrate until you upchuck. This drink is very nearly a declaration of war by Taiwan on the Land of the Free and the Home of Coca Cola, and I think we should respond. With big guns firing.

Pearl Milk Tea
I think this drink looks much worse than it tastes. Canned tea isn't my cup, but it certainly isn't on par with Grass Jelly Drink - yet. Chin Chin Brand obviously didn't expect people to look at the stuff. I mean, doesn't it look like someone ate a can of bad corn, then filled their mug with a juicy burst of diahrrea? I wonder if there are fine-dining establishments in Asia that serve this thing by the glass? You'd never know from looking at Pearl Milk Tea that it's just a too-sweet, non-refreshing, slightly disturbing drink filled with grody balls of dough.

Pocari Sweat
Pocari Sweat is easily the most well known Asian drink we've had the displeasure to taste. Hundreds of letters have poured in: "Dude, them's some sick drinks - but have you tried Pocari?" Well we have, and here we go: Are you an athlete who enjoys the taste of semen? We've found the sports drink for you! Japan's version of Gatorade, Pocari Sweat is thick, salty, sweet - and looks like a sumo wrestler wrung out his diaper moisture into a glass after a day of slapping his belly against other dudes. Worse it smells like thos chemicals you're not supposed to sniff, like ammonia.

Shirakiku Soft Drink
I'm not an expert translator, but I have heard Japanese, been to Tokyo and watched Pokemon - so I think I'm qualified to say "Shira Kiku" means "Butt Chrysanthemum" in Japanese. I'm not trying to imagine how these ass flowers are harvested for pre-drink production, even as I admit it was the best tasting drink of this batch. The package shows kids playing soccer and it did seem like the sort of treat given out mid-game with orange slices. "Watashi! sukoro goro! Moru ass furower, purise!"

Yeo's Soya Bean Drink
Beans. Screams "thirst quenching", doesn't it? It stank like day-old barf, baking in the sun. Had it been the 10th drink of the day instead of the first, I would have puked just from the smell. My body already quivering in anticipation of a good retch, I forced myself to choke down a sip and immediately triggered the gag reflex. "Oh Jesus no!" I scremed before all went dark, dark, dark. I awoke some hours later on the floor. The others were standing over me, pointing, laughing, and zipping up.

(this one was so good, I had to post a second review!)

I've never considered distilling my grandfather's underwear into its pure essence and packaging it in a can for ingestion - but apparently some Malaysian named Yeo did. Popping the top on this thing was like sweeping the dust from the top of a bookshelf into your sinus cavity. It tasted like liquid cardboard.

Cheon Yeon Cider
This so-called "cider" (yeah, right) did have a nice, seemingly innocent can. The drink itself looked like mineral water, harmless enough, or so it seemed. But for christ's sake, it went down like rubbing alcohol! And what the fuck is "carbonic acid gas"? It can't be good. Jesus this shit hurt me. I thought my burning nose was going to fall off into my glass. After I finally stopped wincing in pain, I detected the faint taste of chewing gum, which was somewhat nice.

Chaokoh Young Coconut Juice with Jelly
I'll need a psychotherapist to wipe the memory of my big swallow of Young Coconut Juice with Jelly, gagging on the taste and the bombardment of endless jelly bits against my teeth and tongue. Being hetero, I can't be certain - but I'm pretty sure this drink was like gay sex. I believe the name of the drink is just an error in translation - it's probably really called Young Coco's Nut Juice with Semen.

Chrysanthemum Drink
An open letter to Tommy Thompson, US Health and Human Services Secretary: In the interest of saving civilization, please determine if "Permitted Yellow 5" is permitted and, if the next listed ingredient, "Yellow 6", is even a color. We, leading experts in Asian bioweapons/drinks, suspect it is the urine of Vietnamese political prisoners and prostitutes who must drink the piss of their wardens and pimps, then piss the piss, whereupon the repissed piss is then canned and sold as a drink (read: bioweapon) to the West.

Shirakuku Ramune Drink
Ramune Drink, with the coolest looking bottle EVER, had more warning labels plastered on it than an episode of Jackass. Don't swallow small parts! Don't damage your eye! Don't remove the marble - yes, MARBLE - that floats around in the bottle. It took so much effort to open, and the directions were so fucking complicated, that we needed refreshment by the time we were finally able to get the thing open. Unfortunately it tasted like someone had added powdered sugar to carbonated water.

Non-Carbonated Soft Drink
The heart of a hero beats within me, for I have met - and consumed - evil itself, and though I now lay in my deathbed, anguished and fevered, I survive long enough to save humanity from it's false promises. Non-Carbonated Soft Drink is indeed without carbonation, but then, great lies begin with little truths. It's not soft, it's grainy and fiberous. Its not a drink, but is as thick as shit (taste tests conclude that ass-mass may be its one and only ingredient).

Boo!

October 30, 2005 - Sunday

It's that time of year again; you know what I mean. It's the annual Yule Race, as the retail megastores rush to be the first to get their Christmas goodies onto the consumer shelves.

In other words, it's Halloween.

A near-to-a-sister friend of mine was telling me, as she does every year, the latest kids costumes that have been banned in her part of the country. You know, the red part? :) And yes, I did indeed mean "banned". Harry Potter costumes are on that list, because witches are evil spawns of the devil and shouldn't be idolized.

I'm frightened for the state of my country and our children, I really am, if this is the degree of intolerance and fear being taught by our communities.

I really don't understand why people are so afraid of Halloween. And forget the church pundits and bible thumpers, those I'm used to; it's the everyday person I'm talking about.

I went to a Halloween party this saturday where costumes were required. Said so, right there on the invite. Yep. So why is it people were showing up wearing their jeans and t-shirts? You ask where their costume is and they shrink several inches into their turtle shells, blushing and giggling with shame. I'm not sure if their embarassed at the thought of being out in public in a costume, or at the thought of being in a place full of people in costumes - and not wearing one themselves. Why does wearing a costume bother people so much?

All year, people wear invisible masks. They smile in the face of adversity, they pretend they like their jobs, their in-laws, their neighbors...their spouses. "That dress looks GREAT on you" they say, then turn around and poke fun at the same person behind their back.

Or let's talk about costumes; the former goth/rocker who traded in their leather and black denim for a Calvin Klein suit, or the chief of staff at a hospital who goes home, takes off his scrubs and pulls out the high-heel pumps and stockings he keeps hidden in the back of the closet. Pun intended.

For one day out of a year, you're allowed to be MORE than who you are. You can be who you wish you were. You can fantasize, and share that fantasy with the world - no penalties, amnesty for all.

I ended up in more conversations walking the street and taking the subway in my Zorro costume in that one day, than I normally would in a month wearing my "civvies". And it's the same thing every year; it's as if you wearing a costume makes you more approachable, friendlier, to others. You're no longer some fellow schlub, you're...

You're a celebrity.

I had to share this little tidbit, somewhat off tangent. My neighborhood likes to decorate for the holiday, which gives me a nice feel-good sensation walking around here. One of the buildings put up a lighted, air-filled pumpkin display outside in the courtyard. As I walked by a large white ghost rose up from inside the pumpkin, with "Boo" written across its chest.

Why is it, then, that the only thing that came to my mind was this: "Holy crap, it looks like the pumpkin just got a woody!"

Happy Halloween.

Y2K

October 26, 2005 - Wednesday

I had this whole scathing, venomous retort I wanted to spew out, thinking about the 2,000 deaths of our soldiers over in Iraq. The number is staggering, considering what we went there to do, and there's no end in sight.

I am angry over it. I despise the man I'm forced to call my President, and I think this was the biggest fuck-up in decades by an American President. This was poorly planned, poorly executed and there is absolutely no exit strategy for the complicated mess we've caused. The war was in Afghanistan, not Iraq; all the excuses and justifications in the world won't change that simple fact. You fucked up, George, and I wish you were man enough to admit it.

But.

Crying over spilled milk isn't achieving anything. I'm forced to acknowledge that we created this mess, so it's our job to finish it - even if there is no finish on the horizon. I'm not condoning the "war", I'm not justifying us being there in any way; given the choice I would send our men and women home, where they belong - tomorrow, if I could.

Except...we stuck our noses in the shit and now we've got a mess to clean up. The Iraqi people, however oppressed they might have been under Saddam, would be up shit's creek with two broken paddles if we bailed out now. Civil war would tear that places to shreds; Saddam may have been a dictator, but he at least offered stability. We've upset that balance, and until we restore it we're stuck there, literally.

I'm saddened that more American soliders are going to die in the upcoming years, the victims - in many cases - of people who feel they're defending their homeland from an invading force. I can't fault the Iraqi's as a people for it, because in the same situation I might be doing the same. If the roles were reversed, if China decided that our expansionist/nationalist ways were a threat to Communism everywhere and, in some future reality, send in forces to "forcibly remove" George W. (gods willing) and keep a policing military force in our country to show us the better way to govern ourselves...

...would we feel any differently than many militant Iraqi "insurgents"?

I'm not condoning what they're doing, either; terrorist actions make you a terrorist, period.

I'm just saying...I understand.

Find a way to bring our troops home, George. Do something right, for once.

An Onion A Day

An Onion a Day Keeps the Doctor Away


There's a reason why I love reading The Onion. There has been a bit of a...mild controversy...over some news photos published on the web relating to the mess in New Orleans. The gist of it all is that the news seems to be depicting those in the Big Easy with a somewhat darker shade of skin as "looters", whereas those with a paler skin tone have been put in much nicer tones.

I actually emailed Yahoo, on whose site some of these photos appeared; their boilerplate response was their own absolution of responsiblity towards it, saying that they don't review the photos they receive and if I'd like to lodge a complaint I should do so with the news agency who provided the offending photos and captions.

Thanks, Yahoo.

Apparently the Onion picked up on this and pointed it out in their own cynical way:

White Foragers Report Threat Of Black Looters

NEW ORLEANS—Throughout the Gulf Coast, Caucasian suburbanites attempting to gather food and drink in the shattered wreckage of shopping districts have reported seeing African­Americans "looting snacks and beer from damaged businesses." "I was in the abandoned Wal-Mart gathering an air mattress so I could float out the potato chips, beef jerky, and Budweiser I'd managed to find," said white survivor Lars Wrightson, who had carefully selected foodstuffs whose salt and alcohol content provide protection against contamination. "Then I look up, and I see a whole family of [African-Americans] going straight for the booze. Hell, you could see they had already looted a fortune in diapers." Radio stations still in operation are advising store owners and white people in the affected areas to locate firearms in sporting-goods stores in order to protect themselves against marauding blacks looting gun shops.

Ben, The Kiss Of Death

Kiss of Death

It's funny, the things you end up talking about at work when you're bored.

I've made a discovery that all of you would-be actresses out there need to be aware of. Ben Affleck has the kiss of death for female movie careers.

Okay, maybe not the kiss of death; more like the Peck of Extreme Pain. Every woman who's played opposite him in a lead movie role spirals downward from there. It generally takes them three movies to pick themselves back up again. Don't believe me?

1997
Poor Joey Adams. She'd just come off a bit role in the movie "Michael" with John Travolta, and this after suriving the horrific "Bio-Dome" with Pauley Shore. Then she gets bit by Ben in a great role in the movie "Chasing Amy"

From there she does the unheard-of "A Cool Dry Place" with the then-unheard of Vince Vaughn, "Reaching Normal" with Ellen Degeneres, and "Emergency Room 2", which apparently never got filmed. She finally salvages her career in the movie "Big Daddy" with Adam Sandler, 2 years later.

1998
Liv Tyler never quite learned her lesson. She hooked up with Benji in "Armageddon" and everyone fell in love with those lips. Then she did a string of movies that you'll struggle to remember such as "Cookie's Fortune", "Dr. T and the Women", and "One Night at McCool's". Then, like a gift from the heavens, came the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy. Career salvaged, right?

Wrong. Obviously a glutton for punishment, she bonded with Ben once more in the critically acclaimed movie "Jersey Girl". Know what she did then? Completed a movie called "Lonesome Jim" with (get this): Casey Affleck.

It's gonna take her a long, long time to ressurect herself from this deadly combo.

1999
Okay admittedly Sandra Bullock was already on the downswing just before she got the BenBug. "Speed 2" and "Hope Floats" at least made her a little cash, but I wouldn't have bragged too hard about "Practical Magick". But then along came Ben and "Forces of Nature"; next thing you know she's doing "Gun Shy", which I hear was a big hit in Australia. "28 Days" was up next, which ironically enough is about how long it lasted in the theaters. 2000 brought her vindication, however, in "Miss Congeniality".

2000
First let me say, I'm not even sure why "Reindeer Games" got made, let alone got Charlize Theron to star alongside Cursed Ben. The same logic, I'm sure, got her stuck doing "The Legend of Bagger Vance", "The Curse of the Jade Scorpion (cuz post-'70s Woody Allen movies are SUCH draws), and "Trapped" with Kevin Bacon. "The Italian Job" is probably the only reason she was able to land the part in "Monster".

Don't go too far folks, I've got more!

2000
You'd figure if anyone was immune to the Curse of the Ben, it might be Gwyneth Paltrow. Doing "Bounce" didn't exactly set the world on fire, but what did she do after her Ben-counter? "The Anniversary Party" (the What?) with Alan Cumming (aka Nightcrawler), "Shallow Hal" with Jack Black, "Possession", "View From the Top", "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow"...

To her credit, she did manage to slip "the Royal Tennenbaums" in the midst of all this - but that was an arthouse film. Call it her way of going back to church and doing penance. "Bless me Father, for I have Ben'ed..."

2001
Why was Ben still getting lead roles in Hollywood? Will someone please answer me that? "Pearl Harbor" was supposed to be his big vehicle, and Kate Beckinsdale was going to ride his coattails into the big leagues.

Well "Serendipity" and "Laurel Canyon" didn't exactly set the world on fire, did they Kate? Thank god for the Dungeon & Dragons and the bloodsucker crowds, because otherwise "Underworld" would still have kept her "underground".

Word must have gotten around Hollywood, because for the next few years no one wanted to be afflicted with Affleckitis. His next few movies were all male-oriented action thrillers (if you're willing to stretch the imagination) with no female leads. That leaps us ahead to:

2003
Comic book fans around filmdom are still sending death threats to his house for "Daredevil". Jennifer Garner was obviously new in Hollywood or she would never have gone near this junkpile.

The infection contined, unlike her movie career. "13 Going on 30" was a sad joke, and "Elektra" was, amazingly, an even worse movie than "Daredevil" was. Now she's reduced to a bit role in "Charlotte's Web". Sad, sad, sad.

"Gigli". Do I even have to say anything more? Jennifer Lopez, I mean, J-Lo, probably left his sorry ass for making her do this movie with him. I'm betting he's hiding from her every time she's in town because the poor girl did the unthinkable - a back-to-back-Benflick! A year later she gets a supporting role in "Jersey Girl", quietly snickering at the downward plunge she knew Liv Tyler was in for. You should'a stayed around the block, Jenny, cuz "Shall We Dance" and "Monster In Law" earned you nothing but a big ol' Bronx cheer!

The banner year of '03 - the Year of the Affleck - continued it's curse as Uma Thurman, on the heels of the fantastic "Kill Bill", found herself sideswiped in doing the ill-fated "Paycheck". Well I hope she got a big one for it, because she followed that piece of crap up with "Be Cool".

Know what she's filming right now? "the Bee Movie", a cartoon with Jerry Seinfeld. And we all know how well he's done after Seinfeld, don't we?

2004
"Jersey Girl". Liv, Liv, Liv. I love the lips...but not too bright upstairs, are we?

So who's next on the Ben Hit List?

2005 brings us "Man About Town", co-starring the unknown Ling Bai, the mysterious assassin in "Sky Captain". I guess Gwyneth loved getting her butt kicked by Ling so much she passed along Ben's contact info. Her next movie? "Edmond", with William Macey. She's listed in the credits as "Girl". Which I guess is better than "Bystander #4".

Next year (yep, he's still making movies!) he plays George Reeves, the original Superman, in "Truth, Justice and the American Way". Co-star? Diane Lane, who's riding high coming off strong performances in "Unfaithful", "Under the Tuscan Sun", and "Must Love Dogs".

Wanna know what she has on her movie-plate for next year? "Killshot". With Justin Timberlake. And Mickey ("somebody hire me please") Rourke.

Please. Ladies. When it comes to Ben...just say no!

Sex For Sale

...bet THAT grabbed your attention real quick, didn't it?

Here's the deal. Reading the Law Journal as I'm wont to do (usually while bored sitting in my boss' office waiting for her to get off the damn phone) I stumbled across this little tidbit in yesterday's news:

A Manhattan judge has enunciated the legal distinction between prostitution and paying someone to participate in sexual activity to make a pornographic film.

I'm sorry...what?! Here's the deal. A woman in Manhattan's upper east side was on trial for running - I'm sorry, allegedly running a prostitution ring. Multimillion dollar ring, I might add {waggling the finger at some of you}. Her defense came up with what i'd call an absolutely brilliant strategy: that "'no legal distinction' existed between a man who paid for sexual activity to be performed on him and a nonparticipating third party who paid for an actor to participate in sexual activity, because both involved the essential elements of prostitution: sexual activity in exchange for a fee".

Wow. And why hasn't this come up before?

Think about it. Why is prostitution illegal, but pornography a big business - and legal? Seriously folks, is there a difference? In each case, you're paying for sex. Show me the money, honey! The only real question might be who the recipient is, of that sex.

This was the judge's ruling:

Penal Law §230.00 defines a prostitute as one "who engages or agrees or offers to engage in sexual conduct with another person in return for a fee." The word "fee," Goodman wrote, represents the key to distinguishing prostitution from paying someone to perform sexual activity in making pornography.

The "fair import" of the word "fee" is "payment in return for professional services rendered," Goodman wrote, quoting People v. Block, 337 NYS2d 153.

"Because the definition of prostitution is generally confined to a bilateral exchange between only two parties, escort services and 'Goliath' corporations are not similarly situated," he concluded.

The "court concludes [that] because the pornographic motion picture industry has flourished without prosecution since its infancy, that industry was not intended to be covered," Goodman wrote. "If it had meant to be covered, the legislature would have taken up the matter long ago."

Wowzers. So because the law didn't specifically cover pornography, and because the legislature hasn't done anything about it yet...it isn't illegal.

Now...I'm not even remotely suggesting that pornography should be illegal. Cuz I have enough problems with the RIAA, I sure as hell don't need the Feds busting down my door because of my porn library!

But...does this even make sense?

He goes on to rationalize his decision even further:

Prostitution, as traditionally defined, requires person A paying person B for sexual activity to be performed on A.

Pornography, on the other hand, involves person C paying B for sexual activity performed on A.

Now...if person C ponies up the cash for person B to have sex with person A, and watches it...that isn't prostitution, if person B is getting paid to have sex with A? Are you telling me that the only real distinction, according to this court, is that I can't be the beneficiary of the transaction?

Well hells bells, man. Can you see the buddy system kicking into full gear after that decision? "You spot me this week, I'll spot you next!" The term wingman takes on brand new life! If A pays B to have sex with C, and it isn't illegal - it's porn, because they're going to FILM it...wow. Talk about having your cake and eat it too!

It'll be like going on one of those rides at Disneyland, where they take a picture of you screaming after a big drop. Your buddy pays, you get to ride, pick up your video on the way out. Have a nice day!

It isn't prostitution. It's pornography.

Painting Amerika Red

When does it end?

There's a new movement taking place to encourage "red blooded Americans" (as opposed to blue-blooded?) to show their patriotism. This has started circulating the web lately, generally titled Red Fridays:

Wear Red on Friday
You will soon see a lot of people wearing RED on Fridays. The Americans who support our troops, are the silent majority. We are not "organized" to reflect who we are, or to reflect what our opinions are. Many Americans, like yourself, would like to start a grass roots movement using the membership of the Special Operations Association, and Special Special Forces Associations, and all their friends, simply to recognize that Americans support our Troops.

We need to inform the local VFW'S and American Legion, our local press, local TV, and continue carrying the message to the national levels as we get this going. Our idea of showing our solidarity and support for our troops is starting Friday, and continuing on each and every Friday, until this is over, that every RED – BLOODED AMERICIAN who supports our young men and women, WEAR SOMETHING RED, each and every Friday,

Let's get the word out and lead by example; wear RED on Fridays.

I sent this out to everyone on my email list; hopefully, you will too.
Please forward this to everyone you know!!

Now...why do I have to wear RED to show my patriotism ? Shouldn't it be Red, White and Blue? If I wear just Blue, am I less of a patriot ? Why do I feel like this is a way of saying the so-called Red States are true Americans, and us Blue-Stater's are less so - unless we switch to Red?

Yeah, I could be reading way too much into it - but then again...if this were a true partisan plea, it would have been more of a Patriot Fridays rather than Red Fridays.

BTW...it wasn't that long ago that when you spoke about the Reds...you were talking about Communists. Ironic, isn't it?

What're we gonna call the Chinese Government now that Red stands for patriotism?

Yellows?

Truth In Advertising

It was sad enough seeing boxers sell their backs to casino advertising. I remember reading about the guy who sold his forehead space on eBay and thinking "what a maroon!" Then we got the pregnant woman who sold her belly space for advertising, and I thought "where does it all end?"

You'd think municipal governments would be immune to such nonsense, right? But it wasn't that long ago that we started putting electronic ad banners on taxi lights and subway station entrances, and I know how much we all enjoy those "wrapped" buses. Don't forget that we recently sold our school systems to the Snapple Lady, and I swear last winter they rented Central Park for a few weeks to Home Depot.

I could be wrong on that last one.

But today I found myself walking down 55th street and noticed something odd on the sidewalk. It turned out to be a printed ad for a new special on CourtTV.

An ad. On the sidewalk itself.

I gotta hand it to Mayor Bloomy, that was a stroke of genius! Do you realize how much of an untapped potential that is?! I mean, people HAVE to walk the sidewalks, right? All of us natives know better than to look up at anyone; they might be a tourist and ask us directions or, worse, turn out to be a fellow native NYer and take offense! So we all walk around with our heads bowed, looking at what?

The sidewalks! You've got a captive audience right there!

Think of the possibilities now; can you imagine all the other untapped advertising resources this city offers?

Arbor DayThat's right baby, trees! NYC isn't exactly known for it's treeline, but we can change that in one double-edged sword stroke! Remember that idio...I mean, fantastic "cow" thing we had a couple of years ago, with all the struggling unknown artists painting cows (the unheralded mascot of the Big Apple, who knew?) and littering the city with them?

Well let's do some trees! Let's face it, we're paying way too much money to the Parks Department for upkeep on those bug-baiting, ozone-creating eyesores. Dump all those ordinary brown and green anorexic stalks into a wood chipper and let the artists go buck wild, creating trees from whatever their poor little unfunded hearts desire! Tree sculptures, metal trees, carved trees (wow wouldn't that be ironic?), lego trees, trees having sex...

Then slap ads all over those puppies! Hell, you want product placement? Stick a Trojan ad on a sculpture of a pair of metal trees having sex on top of a woodpile, and watch as the sparks fly - bringing in free advertising, and much dinero for the city! Whoo-hoo!

Kids are People Too
Let's face it folks; your kids are running the streets and you have no idea what they're doing, do you? Well let them generate some cash flow! They're already doing it for the fashion industry; I mean, i'm sure Sean John and Tommy Hilfiger already know their own names, what reason could they possibly have for plastering it all over their clothing lines?

Advertising, that's why! Why should you parents and the city be denied a piece of that pie? We're already putting school uniforms on the little rugrats, who says we can't slap a label or two (or twenty) on those jackets? NASCAR does it, why can't we? Hell, make them pay for their own education, I say!

The Sky's the Limit
Does anyone technically *own* the airspace over the city? Can you say, free advertising space? If Batman can do it, why can't Napster? Picture this: hundreds of giant spotlights lighting up the New York City skyline, plastering shadowy images of Corporate America across the clouded night sky! You'll have people BEGGING for a cloudy day, just to maximize our advertising revenue! People in airplanes passing by can't help but be dazzled by our shining display of capitalist largesse! Times Square will look like a hooker's street corner compared to our skyline!

Mayor Bloomberg. Mike. Buddy! I give these ideas to you free of charge. My only hope is that you continue turning this city into a mirror of your own corporate empire, finding new and innovative ways for the City to pad that financial war chest.

Now if you'll excuse me, I had an extra butt-cheek on a 2nd subway seat yesterday, and I've got a $200 fine to go pay off.

Equal Opportunity Insulter II

I was told that puerto ricans weren't fully represented in my last, so for the sake of being politically correct, here you go:

Q: Why are there no Puerto Rican’s on “Star Trek”?
A: They still don’t work in the future.

Q: Why is there so little Puerto Rican literature?
A: Because spray paint wasn't invented `till 1949.

Q: Why don't Puerto Ricans have checking accounts?
A: Because it's hard to sign checks with a spray can.

Q: What do you call a Puerto Rican with $10.
A: A thief.

Q: What do you call a Puerto Rican midget?
A: A speck.

Q: What's Puerto Rican foreplay?
A: "Is your husband back from work yet, Carol?"

Three Proofs that Jesus was Puerto Rican
a)His first name was Jesus
b)He was always in trouble with the law
c)His mother did not know who his father was

8) What do you get when you cross a Puerto Rican and a Chinaman?
A: A car thief who can't drive.

Three men, an American, a Russian, and a Puerto Rican, are standing on a bridge. The Russian removes a bottle of vodka from his coat, takes a sip, and then throws the bottle over the bridge.

The Puerto Rican asks, "Why did you do that? That was a perfectly good bottle of vodka!"

The Russian replies, "There's plenty of that where I come from."

The Puerto Rican doesn't want to be upstaged, so he removes a joint from his pocket, takes a long puff, and then throws the rest of it over the bridge.

The American exclaims, "Hey! What the hell did you do that for? That was a perfectly good joint!"

The Puerto Rican replies, "There's plenty of that where I come from."

Now, the American doesn't want to be upstaged, so he searches through his pockets but he can't find anything. He looks around for a moment, then grabs the Puerto Rican and throws him over the bridge.

The Russian exclaims, "What the hell did you do that for?"

The American replies, "There's plenty of that where I come from."

Equal Opportunity Insulter

WARNING: These will offend. Badly. Unless you've got a good sense of humor, in which case you'll be laughing as loud as I was. Since I haven't been dissin' the brothas lately:

Q: Why are aspirins white?
A: Because they work.

Q: What has six legs and goes: "Ho-de-do, ho-de-do, ho-de-do"?
A: Three blacks running for the elevator.

Q: What's the definition of the word "Confusion"?
A: Father's day in Harlem.

Q: Do you know why so many blacks were killed in Vietnam?
A: Because every time the seargeant said: "Get down!" they stood up and started dancing.

Q: What did God say when he saw the first black person?
A: Ooops, I burnt one!

Q: Why is Stevey Wonder Smiling all the time?
A: He doesn't know he's black.

Q: Blacks took over Toys R us.
A: The renamed it to We B toys.

Q: A black guy and a Mexican guy opened a restaurant.
A: It's called Nacho Mama.

Q: What do you get when you cross an Eskimo with a black person?
A: A Snowblower that Doesn't work!

Q: What do you call an Negro with a peg leg?
A: Shit on a stick.

Q: What does an apple and a Negro have in common?
A: They both look soooo pretty hanging from a tree.

Q: How do you starve a black man?
A: Put his food stamps in his work boots.

Q: Why don't blacks like Tylenol?
A: They have to pick cotton to get to them.

Q: What did the black women get for getting an abortion?
A: Fat cash from crime stoppers.

Q: What does a black person get for Christmas?
A: Your bike!!!

Q: How do you keep black people out of your back yard?
A: Hang one in the front!!

Q: What is the difference between a black and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.

Q: Why do you never hit a black on a bike?
A: Because it is probably your bike.

Q: Why are black people so tall?
A: Because their knee grows.

Q: Why do black people wear hats covering their face?
A: So the birds don't shit on their lips.

Q: What is white with a black asshole?
A: The A-Team

Q: How many black people does it take to pave a road?
A: Depends on how heavy the roller is.

Q: When is the only time u concentrate on a black man.
A: Behind the eyepiece of your rifle.

Q: What's the difference between batman and a blackman?
A: Batman can go to the store with out robin.

Q: What's the difference between shit and a black?
A: Eventually Shit turns white and stops stinking.

Q: Is it better to be born black or gay?
A: Black - because you don't have to tell your folks.

Q: How do they say "fuck you" in Los Angeles?
A: Trust me.

Q: What's the definition of black foreplay?
A: Don't scream or I'll kill you.

Q: How do you know Adam and Eve weren't black?
A: Ever try and take a rib from a black.

Q: Who won the race down the tunnel, the black or the Pole?
A: The Pole because the black had to stop to write "motherfucker" on the wall.

Q: What do you get when you cross a black and a groundhog?
A: 6 more weeks of basketball season.

Q: Why do blacks always have sex on their minds?
A: Because of the pubic hair on their heads.

Q: Did you hear about the new black French restaurant?
A: It's called Chez What.

Q: What did Lincoln say after his five day drunk?
A: I freed whom.

Q: What's long, black and smelly?
A: The unemployment line.

Q: Why don't blacks like blowjobs?
A: They don't like any jobs.

Q: What do you get when you cross a black prostitute with a Chinese woman?
A: A broad that sucks shirts.

Q: How do you make a black nervous?
A: Take him to an auction.

Q: What do you call a black prostitute with braces?
A: A black and Decker pecker wrecker.

Q: What do you call a black test tube baby?
A: Janitor in a drum.

Q: Why do blacks smell so bad?
A: So the blind can hate them too.

Q: How did they invent break dancing?
A: Trying to steal the hubcaps off a moving car.

Q: Why did God invent golf?
A: So white people could dress up like blacks.

Q: What do you call a black man in Thailand?
A: A tycoon.

Q: Why do blacks keep their fly's open?
A: In case they have to count to eleven.

Q: How do you stop a black baby from crying?
A: Wet his lips and stick him to the wall.

Q: Did you hear that the KKK bought the movie rights to Roots?
A: They're going to play it backwards so it has a happy ending.

Q: What do you call 4 blacks in a 57 chevy?
A: Blood vessel.

Q: Why do blacks wear white gloves?
A: So they don't bite their fingers eating tootsie rolls.

Q: Why did so many blacks get killed in the war?
A: When the Colonel yelled get down, they all got up and danced.

Q: What's the definition of worthless?
A: A 7'2" black man with a small prick, that can't play basketball.

Q: What do you call a black with a new bike?
A: A thief.

Q: What do you call a black with a new caddie?
A: A better thief.

Q: Why don't black kids jump on their beds?
A: Because they'll stick to the velcro on the ceiling.

Q: How do you get them down once they're stuck?
A: Tell Mexican kids they're pinatas.

Q: Did you hear about Klu Klux Kneivel?
A: He tried to jump over 8 blacks with a steam roller.

Q: How can you tell when a black as been on your computer?
A: It is not there.

Q: Why do black women wear high heels?
A: So their knuckles don't drag.

Q: Why are black guys eyes red after sex?
A: From the pepper spray.

Q: What do you call one white guy surrounded by 10,000 black guys?
A: Warden.

Q: What do you call one white guy surrounded by 10 black guys?
A: The quarterback.

Q: How do you get a black man out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: What do you call a black person on birth-control?
A: Crime prevention.

The End of America

I saw this article by Mike Adams, and his opinion of our current political status here in America and it's relation to the holiday that just passed. I thought I'd share, given my previous blog.

Mike Adams, July 3rd 2005

July 4th and the end of America, land of the free

Happy July 4th. On this, the 229th birthday of our nation, we find the very foundation of our nation in grave danger as our (elected?) leaders continue to destroy many of the rights and freedoms our forefathers worked so hard to put in place. It is no coincidence that, this very week, our President has created a domestic spy service called the National Security Service. That's the NSS, not to be confused with the SS of Nazi Germany, which had much the same function in pre-war Germany.

Amendment IV: The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Not to be outdone in the race to a police state, the Supreme Court lobotomized the 4th Amendment last week. There is no longer anything resembling "private property" in this country. There is only the illusion of ownership, as long as it is allowed by your government. At the stroke of a pen, any government (city, state, federal) can seize your land and your home, for any reason.

In other words, the State is now the true owner of all land and all property. The very term "owner" refers to the person or organization that controls the use of that land. If you don't control its use, you are not the owner. The State is. You just pay rent. And if you don't cooperate with government takeover of your land, they can always declare you a terrorist and seize your land under The Patriot Act.

Speaking of The Patriot Act, this misguided act allows the U.S. government to secretly tap your phone lines without a court order. It also allows the feds to rifle through library records in order to spot "terrorist readers" who apparently frequent these institutions of knowledge. Libraries are terrorist training camps, didn't you know?

Amendment VI: In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.

Think the Bill of Rights still applies in this country? The 6th Amendment has been nullified by the practices taking place at Guantanamo Bay. The U.S. government simply kidnaps anyone they want, ships them off to Gitmo, then leaves them there to rot,
without being charged, without a trial, and without legal representation. By calling them "enemy combatants," the Bush Administration seemingly avoids having to abide by the Geneva Convention as well, which requires certain standards of treatment
for prisoners of war.

Amendment XIV: ...nor shall any state deprive any person of life,
liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.

As the Bush Administration runs rampant over the U.S. Constitution and the Bill of Rights, do you feel any safer from terrorists? Do you feel like this administration is protecting your life, liberty and property? Are you any freer or safer today than you were five years ago?

Of course not. We're all in far more danger, and we're all less free. Our Constitution and its Bill of Rights lie in shambles. The very fact that this is happening reckons back to the purpose of the Bill of Rights in the first place: to ensure that no government tramples on its people.

You see, our nation's forefathers understood that the greatest threat to freedom was not an enemy nation, but rather a nation's own government. The Bill of Rights was created for the sole purpose of limiting the power of government over the people. Our forefathers knew that all governments eventually get out of control and become oppressive regimes. So they purposefully created the Bill of Rights in an effort to guarantee that no government could deprive its citizens of free speech, freedom to bear arms, the right to own land, and other rights necessary for the prosperity of a free nation.

That our own government is systematically destroying the Bill of Rights is proof that our forefathers were correct.

I wonder: when will all the Bush-supporting people in this country realize they're driving us head-first into a police state? No administration in the history of this country has done more to take away our personal freedoms than this one. And yet half the country is rallying behind this President.

The people have no idea what they've done. They've sent this country spiraling down the dark path of a police state. They've looked the other way while our rights and freedoms were stolen. They've supported an unjustified attack on a foreign state that will only serve to breed more terrorists who understandably hate this country and its people. The Bush Administration has created a terrorist breeding ground that will haunt this nation for a hundred years or more.

So happy 4th of July. It's a national holiday that celebrates the founding of a great nation. But this 4th of July, that great nation no longer exists. Instead, we have a police state, operated under the illusion of freedom. The illusion of Democracy. The illusion that your vote counts. The illusion that by giving up your freedoms, you'll gain security.

This July 4th, I'm not watching any fireworks displays. Why? Because I know what they stand for, and I can't stand to witness such blatant hypocrisy in the night sky. Don't people realize they're watching a fireworks display that symbolizes all the very freedoms and rights that are right now being taken away from them?

To watch a fireworks display and smile is to live in utter ignorance of what is happening to our nation. It's an apt distraction, however. What better time to pull the rug of freedom out from under peoples' feet than to catch them staring blankly into the sky?

If you truly watch a July 4th fireworks display this year, friends, watch it and weep. Weep for the memory of a once-great nation that used to cherish the freedoms of its citizens. Weep for the damned souls of those leaders who have misled us.


Weep for our children who will never know a free America.

Weep for the lost dreams of our forefathers who tried an experiment called Democracy, where governments were run for the benefit of the people; where elected leaders represented the interests and needs of the common folk; where our rights and freedoms were guaranteed under rule of law.

This July 4th, that experiment has run its course, and it has failed. Goodbye, America, land of the free. Make way for Amerika, land of Homeland Security.

Pow Bang Zoom

Pow Bang Zoom!


Happy Birthday, America. I hope you all had a great Independence Day.

I was on the phone with a friend earlier and was asked what I thought at the time was a strange question. We were talking about the fireworks; he and his wife were going to watch it on television "for the ninth year in a row", and he asked me:

"So what's the big deal about the fireworks anyway? Why do people watch them?"

?!?

Obviously, he's not from around these here parts. Born in China, here in the US for...well, about 10 years. My instant response was to compare it to the fireworks on Chinese New Year, to which I got a non-commital "oh". But the question has been on the brain all night. What is the big deal with the fireworks?

Sure I can tell you why we do it; it's reminscent of the battle for our independence, the explosions of cannon fire and mortar fired back and forth by our founding fathers and the british troops. "And the rockets red glare...the bombs bursting in air...gave proof through the night that our flag was still there". Kudos to Mr. Francis Scott Key, and kudos to my elementary school teachers (go public school!) for this stuff sticking with me through the years.

But why do we go goo-goo over them, every single year? Or do we anymore?

I gotta tell you, folks; I do. Every year. I'm just not happy unless I'm watching some fireworks, some place, for the 4th of July. It seems wrong otherwise.

Maybe it's because I grew up in a typically American household, when it came to the holiday. Every year we'd pile up into my grandfather's station wagon and go...someplace. Bear Mountain, or Tallman Mountain. Or, in the really good years, Asbury Park, or Rye Playland. It'd be my grands, aunts, cousins, my mom, sisters...I swear we fit 20 people in that old-ass station wagon, with us kids piled up in the back facing the road and trying not to get too crammed up in a corner.

I remember this one year, we'd stayed here in the city. A bunch of us walked across the Concourse in the Bronx (where I lived at the time) to Fransiego Park (it probably isn't spelled that way, but who cares) right across from Cardinal Hayes High School. It was a cheap-ass park, favored by the crack-heads just a few blocks down on Jerome, but it had a softball field which for our neighborhood was an oasis.

So it's getting dark, and this year instead of shooting off the fireworks from the Stadium (there's only one that matters) they were going to do it from the park. They set up the fireworks in the outfield, and we were all lined up on the other side of the chain link fence blocking off the field, up on a little hill looking down on the diamond. Surprisingly it wasn't that crowded. Or maybe I was just too excited, and didn't care; hell I was, what, 12? 13?

They started firing off those displays, and we lay there on the grass looking up at the sky, watching the fireworks and doing our part with the ooohs, and ahhhs...then the embers started coming down.

I know they were safe, I know - and knew then - that they weren't actually coming down around us...but damned if it didn't look like they were! We were scared and excited and thrilled at the same time; all us kids just ran around, our hands over our ears while trying to "dodge" the falling embers. It was like magical rain pouring down from the sky, fire sprinkled over us but never actually touching us.

When it was over we just lay there, catching our breath, laughing at each other's cowardice and pretending we weren't scared ourselves.

It was a blast.

And maybe that's why I still still marvel at the fireworks, I look for them so I can smile, and go "ooh" and "ahh". Because it evokes so many good memories.

Hope you all had a few good ones of your own :)