Chutzpah

Slight rant here.

Had an ex call me up, and I'm somewhat notorious for still being friends with ex's. It's all good. But this one recently pissed me off, I'd cut her off for my own good - realized I was partially mad for different reasons so eventually let her know I'm not hatin', but just don't see us staying close. No problem. This was...maybe about 2 months ago.

I just got a phone call from her. She's looking for a new job, and wanted me to know she's using me as a reference. In and of itself, this isn't really a problem.

But I haven't heard from this chick since our conversation. Which means: no Thanksgiving, no Christmas, no New Years. No birthday, which was just last week.

So my immediate response was, "You're using me as a reference, and you actually WANT the job?!"

Chuckle chuckle. Wink wink nudge.

A little more chit-chat as she gets my work address for her records, which is fine - because I have no intention of answering the phone when they call. But then, after considerable silence and grunts on my part, she goes:

"So...how was your birthday?"

Why ask? Really? Because it's not like you said "hey, happy belated birthday by the way...how was it?" Don't ask me how it was if you can't even wish me one! At least have the common decency to do it BEFORE you ask me for a favor!

Yeah. Good luck with the job interview. Hope you've got some other references handy.

I Would Not Eat Them With a Fox

Now here's something to be proud of. Apparently, Taiwan has announced their success at breeding FLOURESCENT GREEN PIGS, which they hope will aid them in development of stem cell research.

Day-glo pigs, people.

"There are partially fluorescent green pigs elsewhere, but ours are the only ones in the world that are green from inside out. Even their hearts and internal organs are green," professor Wu Shinn-Chih of the National Taiwan University's Institute and Department of Animal Science and Technology said on Thursday.

Glowing, green pigs. Why am I the only one who has a problem with this concept?

Now I'm just waiting for the matching chickens.

I do not like Green Eggs and Ham. I do not like them, Sam I Am.

My Stars Say:

Capricorn

Daily singles love (by Astrology.com)
It's tough to find someone to share your life with and still keep sight of who you are and your goals. It's not that you're impossible to please, it's just that you know what you're looking for.

Yeah. What they said.

The Grim Reader

Now, I've heard a few strange and odd things in my time, but the news article a friend forwarded to me tops them all.

Apparently a number of this country's finest institutions - Brown University and Harvard among them - have in their possession books. Books, that are bound in human skin.

Hu. Man. Skinnnnnnn.

Ya'll think I'm shitting you, don't you? I know you do. This is classic "get the fuck out of here" response moment. Go ahead, have yours. I had mine.

Get this. Centuries past (which sounds oddly like "Once upon a time"), the best libraries belonged to private collectors. Some were doctors who had access to skin from amputated parts and patients whose bodies had gone unclaimed. In other cases, wealthy bibliophiles acquired skin from executed criminals, medical school cadavers and people who died in the poor house.

I need to explain something first, because I KNOW you're thinking: sick occult would-be witch mofo's! Evil! Evvillllll!

Wrong. These weren't copies of the Necronomicron, or the Satanic Bible, or the Republican Charter and Bylaws. No, these were medical books. Dr. Frankenstein, eat your heart out! (just, you know, not literally!)

The College of Physicians of Philadelphia has some books bound by Dr. John Stockton Hough, who diagnosed the city's first case of trichinosis. He used that patient's skin to bind three of the volumes.

...why...?!?!

Brown's John Hay Library has three books bound in human skin — the 1568 anatomy text by the Belgian surgeon Andreas Vesalius, and two 19th-century editions of "The Dance of Death," a medieval morality tale.

One copy of "The Dance of Death" was rebound in 1893 by Joseph Zaehnsdorf, a master binder in London. A note to his client reports that he did not have enough skin and had to split it. The front cover, bound in the outer layer of skin, has a slightly bumpy texture, like soft sandpaper. The spine and back cover, made from the inner layer, feel like suede.

"The Dance of Death" is about how death prevails over all, rich or poor. As with many other skin-bound volumes, "there was some tie-in with the content of the book," said Sam Streit, director of the John Hay Library.

This is some serious Michael Jackson level of sick shit, ain't it? But I gotta tell ya...it gives me some ideas!

No hear me out - what better way to have my remains, umm, interred, than in a book? Get this: before I die, I write up my own memoirs. Who cares, I'll make shit up and make myself sound good. It'll be a fictional autobiography; I mean, who wants people reading about boring crap I did when I'm dead? I mean to entertain folks!

So I write up my own memoirs, and have copies of the book BOUND IN MY OWN SKIN!!! How fuckingly awesome is that?

Wait, there's more!

Then, at my funeral, I'll have copies of my autobiography given out to all my special friends! That would be so cool! I mean, there you are, curled up in bed at night, reading a book about myself that I wrote...and every time you touch the book cover, it'll be as if I'm there in the room with you! What stronger declaration of friendship is there, then to be there with you even after I'm dead?

And...this is so great, there's precedent for this! hahah! The Boston Athenaeum, a private library, has an 1837 copy of George Walton's memoirs bound in his own skin. Walton was a highwayman — a robber who specialized in ambushing travelers — and left the volume to one of his victims.

So the next time you're in an old bookstore and start admiring the soft, supple feel of the leather-bound volume in your hands...think about this.

It might just be touching you back.

Secrets of the Universe Finally Revealed!

Yes that's right folks, you heard it here - the mysteries of the cosmos, the thread that binds the very fabric of our reality is finally decoded!

Have we deciphered the human genome? Feh, such trivialities! Incontrovertible proof of the existance of God? Hah! Novice research!

No, my friends; what scientists have discovered will have repercussions far into the future, long after you and I have passed on from this world. What mystery, you ask, could be so monumental?

We've finally figured out how bees fly! Stop the presses!


Can you believe this little bugger (pun intended) has stymied the scientific world for AGES, as we've struggled in vain to analyze and mimic the flight of the bumblebee?

The bee, people.

Someone...please, please tell me why we don't get to choose where our tax dollars go? Wait, don't answer, I know why - because if I got to choose, I'd damn well make sure not a single penny of my money went towards extensive research into how bees fly!!

Sheesh.

This was in the news article on it, as one of the justifications why this can be important: "The scientists said the findings could lead to a model for designing aircraft that could hover in place and carry loads for many purposes such as diaster surveillance after earthquakes and tsunamis."

Bull. Shit.

Hey, um...don't we call those aircraft HELICOPTERS?! Or how about the VTOL aircraft we ALREADY FRIGGIN HAVE!?!? Arrrghhh!

Cuz, you know, a flap-wing aircraft is gonna make ME feel a lot safer; nothing like a large aircraft, bobbing up and down like a bumblebee, with those wings vibrating up and down beating at me, to make me feel secure.

Welcome to 2006, folks.

And You're Paying An Extra $.02 For This

Now I know exactly why it takes so long for me to get my movies from Netflix. Damn postal workers.
====================================================
Netflix thefts may involve ex-postal workers
by Associated Press
January 7, 2006

LYONS - Postal investigators are looking into the theft of 503 movie DVDS from Netflix, the California-based internet company that delivers rental movies by mail.

The company mails about 1.2 million DVDS to its subscribers daily in bright red envelopes that make them easy to spot. Still, thefts are rare, said company spokesman Steve Swasey. "It is rare, very rare. We have good security procedures and an excellent relationship with the U.S. Postal Service," said Swasey.

Gloria Flores, a former employee of the Lyons post office, admitted stealing movies and was sentenced to three years probation and 100 hours of public service. She could not be reached for comment.

Karen Durante, who formerly worked as a delivery driver, is under investigation, the Longmont Times-Call reported, citing a Post Office official. She also could not be reached for comment.

Neither Flores nor Durante has a listed phone number.

The Post Office said Flores was caught stealing DVDs in March. After her arrest the thefts continued, leading investigators to suspect Karen Durante this summer. Investigators declined to say whether Durante had been arrested, citing an ongoing investigation.

Court documents said 503 movies mailed to subscribers in Lyons were missing.

U.S. Postal Inspector Andrew Rivas said a "significant amount of complaints" from Netflix customers in Lyons and the company itself prompted their investigation.

"It was a little shocking to me," said Lyons Mayor Tim Kyer.

Copyright 2006, Rocky Mountain News. All Rights Reserved.

God isn't dead, he never existed!

Holy unholy thoughts, Batman!

This is like my own little Miracle on 34th Street moment. I keep expecting someone to show up in the Italian courtroom at the last minute, carrying in bags and bags filled with loaves and fishes.

Did Jesus exist?

Italian court to decide
By Phil Stewart
Wed Jan 4, 10:28 PM ET

Forget the U.S. debate over intelligent design versus evolution.

An Italian court is tackling Jesus -- and whether the Roman Catholic Church may be breaking the law by teaching that he existed 2,000 years ago.

The case pits against each other two men in their 70s, who are from the same central Italian town and even went to the same seminary school in their teenage years.

The defendant, Enrico Righi, went on to become a priest writing for the parish newspaper. The plaintiff, Luigi Cascioli, became a vocal atheist who, after years of legal wrangling, is set to get his day in court later this month.

"I started this lawsuit because I wanted to deal the final blow against the Church, the bearer of obscurantism and regression," Cascioli told Reuters.

Cascioli says Righi, and by extension the whole Church, broke two Italian laws. The first is "Abuso di Credulita Popolare" (Abuse of Popular Belief) meant to protect people against being swindled or conned. The second crime, he says, is "Sostituzione di Persona", or impersonation.

"The Church constructed Christ upon the personality of John of Gamala," Cascioli claimed, referring to the 1st century Jew who fought against the Roman army.

A court in Viterbo will hear from Righi, who has yet to be indicted, at a January 27 preliminary hearing meant to determine whether the case has enough merit to go forward.

"In my book, The Fable of Christ, I present proof Jesus did not exist as a historic figure. He must now refute this by showing proof of Christ's existence," Cascioli said.

Speaking to Reuters, Righi, 76, sounded frustrated by the case and baffled as to why Cascioli -- who, like him, came from the town of Bagnoregio -- singled him out in his crusade against the Church.

"We're both from Bagnoregio, both of us. We were in seminary together. Then he took a different path and we didn't see each other anymore," Righi said.

"Since I'm a priest, and I write in the parish newspaper, he is now suing me because I 'trick' the people."

Righi claims there is plenty of evidence to support the existence of Jesus, including historical texts.

He also claims that justice is on his side. The judge presiding over the hearing has tried, repeatedly, to dismiss the case -- prompting appeals from Cascioli.

"Cascioli says he didn't exist. And I said that he did," he said. "The judge will to decide if Christ exists or not."

Even Cascioli admits that the odds are against him, especially in Roman Catholic Italy.

"It would take a miracle to win," he joked.

Another Year Older

Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me...

37. Geez. There was a time when I just couldn't imagine myself being, quote, "this old". Hitting the big Three-Oh was like crossing some existential border, as if you found yourself moving off a major highway onto this dirt-paved backwater desert road with a sign on the side that says "You Are Leaving Your Youth Behind, Have A Nice Day".

Passing 30 just seems to bring with it all these odd requirements, doesn't it? As if you're now supposed to have the House, the Kid(s), the Marriage. You should be Settled, you know? And there's no real explanation as to why that's the case, or even that it has to be.

So here I am at 37, and I realize "holy crap, I'm 3 years from the Bigger Four-Oh!" Wow. 40, me. And you know what? All those requirements?

Screw 'em. Screw the cosmos and it's plan for the human race. In the words of a once-great sailor: "I yam what I yam and that's all that I yam." Hyuck-hyuck-hyuck-hyuck.

Not married. Don't want to own a house. My master plan? Don't have one. I'm winging it, and loving every minute of it. I'm probably tagged with the label "confirmed bachelor" by most of my friends, and it doesn't bother me a bit. Do I want to get married? It isn't a goal, no, but if/when it happens it'll happen because I want it to - not because "the time is right", or "I don't want to wait too long", or some other silly reason. I don't exist to own material goods or to co-exist in holy/municipal matrimony; I exist, period.

I was playing volleyball, and some random girl in the gym was complaining because she feels so old. She's 33. I laughed, which I find myself doing a lot more lately when I hear things like that - because if she's old at 33, what the hell am I at 37? I remember someone once before saying that, calling someone a few years younger than me "ancient". I think I laughed then too, asking if that made me "prehistoric" by definition?

We got into a conversation, and what came out of it is the old adage - you're only as old as you feel. I told her sure, I find myself thinking "oh god, I really am getting old". That happens a lot, and it's almost natural, especially when I look around at work and on the volleyball courts and see these law students working for me, getting their law degrees and these 20-somethings on the court next to me.

Then I realize - yeah, they're on the court next to me. And I'm more than holding my own. I'm here playing with people 10, 15 years younger than I am and they don't know how old I am. I'm not the old man struggling on the court, I'm the guy they're setting the ball to because they know I can put it down.

Here's the one goal I do admit to having. I want to be 70, 80 years old, standing on some mountain slope with a snowboard in hand. I'm there with my grandkid, showing him how to ride out a mogul. I'm feeling the sun beating down on my head, feeling the crispness of the winter air, and smiling.

Not just because I'm alive. But because I'm living.

LCD TV RPG?

I seem to be incredibly tech-heavy with these posts, but hey - this is the mode I'm in, so let's go with the flow. Happy New Year, first off, to one and all.

I was looking around for a new tech toy, something to kick off the new year with an oooh and an aaah. With the Consumer Electronic Show launched, there was a lot of competition for the coveted Trickster award, let me tell you!

It's hard to say "this is the winner", but in the realm of something new - I had to talk about this little doohicky I found on Philips' website:



They've given it the unwieldy name of the "Entertaible"(shudder!) The concept is a tabletop gaming platform that marries traditional multi-player board and computer games in a uniquely simple and intuitive way. Entertaible comprises a 30-inch horizontal LCD, sophisticated touch screen-based multi-object position detection, and all supporting control electronics. It allows the players to engage in a new class of electronic games which combines the features of computer gaming, such as dynamic playing fields and gaming levels, with the social interaction and tangible playing pieces, such as pawns and dies, of traditional board games.



I'm seeing all kinds of potential for this. See, me - I'm a tabletop gamer. Scrabble, Monopoly; even the old-skoool Dungeons and Dragons stuff. I still occasionally get together with the boys for a round of Heroclix. It's fun, it's retro, it's simplistic.

With this...it's like those frosted mini-wheat commercial. The kid in me just wants to play with the little tokens, making fun of my friends while chasing them around the board. The tech-head in me likes bells, whistles, colored lights and - yes indeed - touch screens.

Now imagine a D&D session with this baby instead of a hex-map. Or, better yet, if they come out with a Neverwinter-style setup where you can program your own modules and maps! Oh the fun!

Plus, as someone looking to delve deeper into the worlds of tabletop and video game design...this is like getting to have my cake and eat it too!

2006 is looking like a fun year so far :)

iForgive Me iFather, For i Have iSinned

Pope Benedict XVI, standing on the spot where he first appeared as the newly-elected pontiff last spring, warned in his first Christmas Day message against technological advances made in the absence of religious belief. "Today we can marshal vast material resources," he said, addressing thousands of people in a rainy St. Peter's Square. "But the men and women in our technological age risk becoming victims of their own intellectual and technical achievements, ending up in spiritual barrenness and emptiness of heart. "Yet without the light of Christ, the light of reason is not sufficient to enlighten humanity and the world."

Now...having said that...I come across the following article:

28 December 2005
THE IGOD
SERMONS ON YOUR MP3 PLAYER
By Vanessa Allen

VICARS are putting sermons on the internet so worshippers can play them on their iPods.

Religious leaders believe the hi-tech approach will help those such as the elderly and infirm who can't get to church but also reach out to the young. Users subscribe to an internet service allowing them to download on to their iPod, a system known as podcasting.

Rev Shannon Ledbetter said: "For the elderly and housebound this is fantastic, all you need to do is fix them up with an iPod and they're good to go.

"For the young also, there is so much information there, which can help to answer their questions about their faith."

Rev Ledbetter, 43, of St Mary's church, Knowsley, Merseyside, added: "This will bring church numbers up, because people who tune in to the podcasts will want to experience the full spectrum of worship." Steve Evans, of Bridge Chapel Christian church in Liverpool, said: "Large numbers of new people are coming down and joining simply because of the downloads and podcasts.

"All our congregation has to do is subscribe to the service and every time they plug their mp3 player in, the updates will automatically be transferred."

God help us, every one. It's bad enough with this whole Attack of the iPod People thing we have going, but combine the fanatical devotion to iTech with...well, with fanaticism and what do you have?

The Bush Administration. But we knew that already.

BTW: LOVE the title of that article. iGod. Hah!

Time Oh Give Me Time

Attention passengers: the world is slowly coming to a halt. Please put your trays in the upright position and prepare to disembark.

Seriously.

On Saturday, at exactly 7 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, one second will be added to our official record of time — Coordinated Universal Time, kept by a series of atomic clocks, housed in environmentally sealed vaults in about 80 timekeeping laboratories around the world and certified by the International Bureau of Weights and Measures in Paris.

The reason for the extra second is simple: The earth is slowing down. Since the days of Sir Isaac Newton, scientists have understood the time it takes for the earth to make a full rotation is getting longer. The gradual deceleration is caused by the gravitational pull of the moon. The same force that brings the tides is putting the brakes on the earth, albeit very slowly.

And because time is a function of planetary movement, our days are getting longer and, depending on how you look at it, time is slowing down.

So when you show up late for work on Monday, you now have a valid excuse. It isn't your fault, you're just trying to keep pace with the rest of the world.

Happy New Year.

Music to Go. Really To Go.

You think your iPod represents the ultimate in music portability? Feast your eyes, true believers, on this special little system:

This is the first luggage with a built-in music system that provides the clear, robust sound of a home stereo. The luggage contains two embedded 3" stereo speakers, an amplifier, and a 4" integral subwoofer for deep, powerful sound with almost no loss of packing space. A connection jack accommodates an iPod or any sound device with a headphone jack. The luggage also includes a jack that allows you to add your own microphone, transforming the suitcase into a public address system for presentations. Sound controls are protected by a cover, and the handle is sturdy aircraft-grade aluminum that extends or retracts at the touch of a button.

It's luggage.

With a built-in stereo speaker system.

Now...I need someone to explain this to me. Because I'm obviously very dense, and not quite understanding something.

What in the hell would I use this for?! Is it for those many, many moments when - frustrated at airport delays and forced to spend too much time and money at the terminal bar - I suddenly have the drunken urge to break out into a karaoke rendition Frank Sinatra's "Come Fly With Me"? I'll be the belle of the airport terminal! "Can I get a shout out from all the peeps from Omaha? Woot!"

Seriously people, someone sat down and thought to themselves "you know, I love my luggage but something is missing..." Speakers. In your luggage.

Don't they tell you to AVOID putting expensive electronics inside your check-in luggage, to prevent damage and/or theft? Does this still apply if your luggage IS the expensive electronic equipment?

I can imagine you trying to get this through customs at the airport. "No really, officer, it's a stereo system. " It's like you're Ben Kenobi, trying to get past the stormtroopers using the Force. "These are not the bombs you're looking for." Those gestapo at JFK International will tear this thing to shreds, offer you up a shrug in lieu of a mea culpa, then forget they ever saw you.

But the luggage handlers will love you for it. After all, now they have a place to plug their iPods into. Party on!

Papa, How Could You?

Yessiree, I had me a big ol' hankering for a slice o' pie. Pizza pie, that is.

If you haven't cottened to it yet, Papa John's has this neat online ordering feature where you just log in, all your info is already there (once you've used it once), and bam! you can place your pie order for delivery in 30 minutes.

Except...I had a coupon. $14.99 large 2 topping & an order of Papa's Wings. Mmmm, love me some Papa's Wings. So I try to order. Price? $22. Wait a minute now, Papa...I gots me a coupon, remember!

Except...there ain't no place to put a coupon! Or is there? "Promotional code"...sounds like ah found mah thrill (dum-da-dum-dumdumdum).

Enter Promotional Code: ?!?!?!?

Papa...there AIN'T no promotional code on your coupons, you lyin' sumbitch! I can either pay full price, or *gasp* PICK UP THE PHONE!! How could you do this to me?!

Not that it mattered. I only had 15 bucks in my wallet anyway. Damn.

Chinese, anyone?

Streets of New York

I firmly believe that the next great reality television show (and I say that, tongue in cheek) should be Homeless in New York. Forget Borneo, Oahu, Fiji...make those contestants spend a few weeks on the streets of New York City. In February. If for no other reason, I'd tune in just to watch them interact with the real homeless; THERE'S where the real entertainment is.

Case in point: today's episode of The Subway System. As I walk down the steps there's a man (and yes Virginia, he WAS a paler shade of grey) very nicely going out of his way to hand a dollar to a homeless man (who was, to further our stereotype, quite a bit darker than your average, um, well you get the point). I can appreciate the effort made by our erstwhile do-gooder, except that said homeless man was sitting smack dab on the middle of the staircase eating a hearty meal. And said good samaritan was on the opposite side, leaning over the divider to cut off people walking DOWN the stairs onto the platform. Jackass.

But I digress.As I stood there, with the D train sitting in the platform and the doors open, our Raggedy Andy suddenly started waxing poetic at some poor schlub on the train. Such poetry! "You oreo cookie cutter, fake black man!" "You ain't a real black man, you a house nigguh!" "Do you even know what it is to be black?"And on, and on.

Of course, in what I personally believe to be an act of cruelty, the train chose then to sit in the platform indefinitely while the mystery man inside the car endured this diatribe. I could only imagine the snickering taking place behind his back as they all stood, shoulder to shoulder packed inside the car. Really, what could the poor fool do? Insult the homeless guy? Defend his "blackness"? Beat the old man senseless for insulting him? It's a total no-win situation, made worse by being trapped on the train with no place to go.

Come on, tell me this wouldn't have made great tv!

Dick Tracy, Eat Your Heart Out

This being my first official Droppings post, I should probably write something of great import. Or at least something humorous. Point out where this blog is supposed to go, and wax philosophical with you.

But then I saw this, and this was just waaayyyyy too cool for school.



It's a digital watch, cell phone with wireless earpiece, and a detachable digital camera. If this thing has a web browser, I swear I'll wet myself.

It's such a flashback to the 80s, isn't it? The days when Nerds (tm) roamed wild in the prehistoric internet, flashing their calculator watches like shields against the world.

It's clunky as all hell. It's kitschy. It screams "geek" with every silicon blip. I'd get bored with it within a month, tops.

And yeah, I want one. Like, major jonesy want one.

Oh shut up. You know you want one too.

Maybe It's For "Josie and the Hello Kitties"?

I found this new Fender Stratocaster lying around the web.

Stef - when you start up your girl band, this is a MUST HAVE. Cuz nuthin' says "Hot Chick" like a Hello Kitty Stratocaster!

And yes, Virginia, there is a Bass as well.

Seriously. I don't think even a Puffy AmiYumi knockoff band could make this guitar look cool.

How I Learned To Love The Bomb

Here's a cheery thought that popped into my head this afternoon, when considering the idea of whether or not hydrogen fuel cells will be a viable alternative to the combustible engine:

Wasn't the Hindenburg* filled with hydrogen?

* Fun Fact: The fire that destroyed the Hindenburg back in 1937 wasn't caused by hydrogen. NASA scientists (because they obviously had nothing else to spend those billions on) have found that the Hindenburg's outer shell was coated with a compound similar to what is now used in solid rocket fuel. Solid. Rocket. Fuel. When the ship docked, an electrical charge ignited the coating. Boom.

I mean, it shouldn't take a rocket scientist to realize that surrounding a highly combustible fuel in a shell made from a highly combustible material is pretty stupid. Or...in this case...maybe it did take a rocket scientist. Or one of those guys from Jackass: The Movie.

Vita Soy, It Good For You

Joking around with a friend the other day about a particular picture she recently took, I thought I'd poke a little fun at her and blazon the image with all kinds of japanese ad slogans and cartoon characters.

Well I got a little sidetracked from that plan when I stumbled across a site where two ugly Americans (are there any other kinds?) decided to taste, test and review various Asian soft drinks. Several seconds later I'm still looking for the intenstines I laughed onto the floor somewhere; needless to say, I had to share some of their reviews!

Disclaimer: None of the opinions expressed in the following are representative of the views held by Fried Monkey, Trickster Studios, or any of the poor fools chained to their desks under the guise of "working" there. Meaning me. But the opinions are funny as shit, so have fun reading them.

Basil Seed Drink with Honey
If the can on this drink hadn't expressly stated it was a "drink", I would never have believed it. It even shows the stuff in a bowl on the side of a can. I identified the flavor as banana. I thought maybe basil seeds taste like banana. But I just read the ingredients and the final line is "banana flavour added." At first I was amazed that the basil seeds seemed to float serenely and evenly throughout the drink rather than collecting at the bottom. It was only after I tried it that I realized they weren't floating in anything, they were stacked one upon the other. I can only imagine enjoying Basil Seed Drink is exactly like enjoying a jar of frog eggs.

Milkis
Ah, "Made in Korea", as the can claims, but I wonder...which Korea? For would not North Korea develop a seemingly innocuous, citrusy, foamy, "tastes like kids aspirin" taste sensation in order to entice heretofore U.S. citizens into consuming an "allied" beverage - brewed from spooge? I just bet they're snickering all the way to Pyongyang at the Imperialist Americans. But granted, it didn't taste bad. Not "good", but not puke enticing. By the way, my notes read: "Foamy white." Sounds like manjack to me!

Grand Western Grass Jelly Drink
Drinks ought not to have flesh in them. Seems rather obvious, except to Taiwan. "Wrong" permeates this thing like stink on colon beef. I hate to repeat my cohort in the defense of the World Against Crazy Asian Drinks, but it tastes like flat, lukewarm cola with chunks of gelatin. Chunks-of-gelatin. As you swallow, the chunks invade your mouth, march upon the gullet and occupy your stomach where they celebrate until you upchuck. This drink is very nearly a declaration of war by Taiwan on the Land of the Free and the Home of Coca Cola, and I think we should respond. With big guns firing.

Pearl Milk Tea
I think this drink looks much worse than it tastes. Canned tea isn't my cup, but it certainly isn't on par with Grass Jelly Drink - yet. Chin Chin Brand obviously didn't expect people to look at the stuff. I mean, doesn't it look like someone ate a can of bad corn, then filled their mug with a juicy burst of diahrrea? I wonder if there are fine-dining establishments in Asia that serve this thing by the glass? You'd never know from looking at Pearl Milk Tea that it's just a too-sweet, non-refreshing, slightly disturbing drink filled with grody balls of dough.

Pocari Sweat
Pocari Sweat is easily the most well known Asian drink we've had the displeasure to taste. Hundreds of letters have poured in: "Dude, them's some sick drinks - but have you tried Pocari?" Well we have, and here we go: Are you an athlete who enjoys the taste of semen? We've found the sports drink for you! Japan's version of Gatorade, Pocari Sweat is thick, salty, sweet - and looks like a sumo wrestler wrung out his diaper moisture into a glass after a day of slapping his belly against other dudes. Worse it smells like thos chemicals you're not supposed to sniff, like ammonia.

Shirakiku Soft Drink
I'm not an expert translator, but I have heard Japanese, been to Tokyo and watched Pokemon - so I think I'm qualified to say "Shira Kiku" means "Butt Chrysanthemum" in Japanese. I'm not trying to imagine how these ass flowers are harvested for pre-drink production, even as I admit it was the best tasting drink of this batch. The package shows kids playing soccer and it did seem like the sort of treat given out mid-game with orange slices. "Watashi! sukoro goro! Moru ass furower, purise!"

Yeo's Soya Bean Drink
Beans. Screams "thirst quenching", doesn't it? It stank like day-old barf, baking in the sun. Had it been the 10th drink of the day instead of the first, I would have puked just from the smell. My body already quivering in anticipation of a good retch, I forced myself to choke down a sip and immediately triggered the gag reflex. "Oh Jesus no!" I scremed before all went dark, dark, dark. I awoke some hours later on the floor. The others were standing over me, pointing, laughing, and zipping up.

(this one was so good, I had to post a second review!)

I've never considered distilling my grandfather's underwear into its pure essence and packaging it in a can for ingestion - but apparently some Malaysian named Yeo did. Popping the top on this thing was like sweeping the dust from the top of a bookshelf into your sinus cavity. It tasted like liquid cardboard.

Cheon Yeon Cider
This so-called "cider" (yeah, right) did have a nice, seemingly innocent can. The drink itself looked like mineral water, harmless enough, or so it seemed. But for christ's sake, it went down like rubbing alcohol! And what the fuck is "carbonic acid gas"? It can't be good. Jesus this shit hurt me. I thought my burning nose was going to fall off into my glass. After I finally stopped wincing in pain, I detected the faint taste of chewing gum, which was somewhat nice.

Chaokoh Young Coconut Juice with Jelly
I'll need a psychotherapist to wipe the memory of my big swallow of Young Coconut Juice with Jelly, gagging on the taste and the bombardment of endless jelly bits against my teeth and tongue. Being hetero, I can't be certain - but I'm pretty sure this drink was like gay sex. I believe the name of the drink is just an error in translation - it's probably really called Young Coco's Nut Juice with Semen.

Chrysanthemum Drink
An open letter to Tommy Thompson, US Health and Human Services Secretary: In the interest of saving civilization, please determine if "Permitted Yellow 5" is permitted and, if the next listed ingredient, "Yellow 6", is even a color. We, leading experts in Asian bioweapons/drinks, suspect it is the urine of Vietnamese political prisoners and prostitutes who must drink the piss of their wardens and pimps, then piss the piss, whereupon the repissed piss is then canned and sold as a drink (read: bioweapon) to the West.

Shirakuku Ramune Drink
Ramune Drink, with the coolest looking bottle EVER, had more warning labels plastered on it than an episode of Jackass. Don't swallow small parts! Don't damage your eye! Don't remove the marble - yes, MARBLE - that floats around in the bottle. It took so much effort to open, and the directions were so fucking complicated, that we needed refreshment by the time we were finally able to get the thing open. Unfortunately it tasted like someone had added powdered sugar to carbonated water.

Non-Carbonated Soft Drink
The heart of a hero beats within me, for I have met - and consumed - evil itself, and though I now lay in my deathbed, anguished and fevered, I survive long enough to save humanity from it's false promises. Non-Carbonated Soft Drink is indeed without carbonation, but then, great lies begin with little truths. It's not soft, it's grainy and fiberous. Its not a drink, but is as thick as shit (taste tests conclude that ass-mass may be its one and only ingredient).

Boo!

October 30, 2005 - Sunday

It's that time of year again; you know what I mean. It's the annual Yule Race, as the retail megastores rush to be the first to get their Christmas goodies onto the consumer shelves.

In other words, it's Halloween.

A near-to-a-sister friend of mine was telling me, as she does every year, the latest kids costumes that have been banned in her part of the country. You know, the red part? :) And yes, I did indeed mean "banned". Harry Potter costumes are on that list, because witches are evil spawns of the devil and shouldn't be idolized.

I'm frightened for the state of my country and our children, I really am, if this is the degree of intolerance and fear being taught by our communities.

I really don't understand why people are so afraid of Halloween. And forget the church pundits and bible thumpers, those I'm used to; it's the everyday person I'm talking about.

I went to a Halloween party this saturday where costumes were required. Said so, right there on the invite. Yep. So why is it people were showing up wearing their jeans and t-shirts? You ask where their costume is and they shrink several inches into their turtle shells, blushing and giggling with shame. I'm not sure if their embarassed at the thought of being out in public in a costume, or at the thought of being in a place full of people in costumes - and not wearing one themselves. Why does wearing a costume bother people so much?

All year, people wear invisible masks. They smile in the face of adversity, they pretend they like their jobs, their in-laws, their neighbors...their spouses. "That dress looks GREAT on you" they say, then turn around and poke fun at the same person behind their back.

Or let's talk about costumes; the former goth/rocker who traded in their leather and black denim for a Calvin Klein suit, or the chief of staff at a hospital who goes home, takes off his scrubs and pulls out the high-heel pumps and stockings he keeps hidden in the back of the closet. Pun intended.

For one day out of a year, you're allowed to be MORE than who you are. You can be who you wish you were. You can fantasize, and share that fantasy with the world - no penalties, amnesty for all.

I ended up in more conversations walking the street and taking the subway in my Zorro costume in that one day, than I normally would in a month wearing my "civvies". And it's the same thing every year; it's as if you wearing a costume makes you more approachable, friendlier, to others. You're no longer some fellow schlub, you're...

You're a celebrity.

I had to share this little tidbit, somewhat off tangent. My neighborhood likes to decorate for the holiday, which gives me a nice feel-good sensation walking around here. One of the buildings put up a lighted, air-filled pumpkin display outside in the courtyard. As I walked by a large white ghost rose up from inside the pumpkin, with "Boo" written across its chest.

Why is it, then, that the only thing that came to my mind was this: "Holy crap, it looks like the pumpkin just got a woody!"

Happy Halloween.

Y2K

October 26, 2005 - Wednesday

I had this whole scathing, venomous retort I wanted to spew out, thinking about the 2,000 deaths of our soldiers over in Iraq. The number is staggering, considering what we went there to do, and there's no end in sight.

I am angry over it. I despise the man I'm forced to call my President, and I think this was the biggest fuck-up in decades by an American President. This was poorly planned, poorly executed and there is absolutely no exit strategy for the complicated mess we've caused. The war was in Afghanistan, not Iraq; all the excuses and justifications in the world won't change that simple fact. You fucked up, George, and I wish you were man enough to admit it.

But.

Crying over spilled milk isn't achieving anything. I'm forced to acknowledge that we created this mess, so it's our job to finish it - even if there is no finish on the horizon. I'm not condoning the "war", I'm not justifying us being there in any way; given the choice I would send our men and women home, where they belong - tomorrow, if I could.

Except...we stuck our noses in the shit and now we've got a mess to clean up. The Iraqi people, however oppressed they might have been under Saddam, would be up shit's creek with two broken paddles if we bailed out now. Civil war would tear that places to shreds; Saddam may have been a dictator, but he at least offered stability. We've upset that balance, and until we restore it we're stuck there, literally.

I'm saddened that more American soliders are going to die in the upcoming years, the victims - in many cases - of people who feel they're defending their homeland from an invading force. I can't fault the Iraqi's as a people for it, because in the same situation I might be doing the same. If the roles were reversed, if China decided that our expansionist/nationalist ways were a threat to Communism everywhere and, in some future reality, send in forces to "forcibly remove" George W. (gods willing) and keep a policing military force in our country to show us the better way to govern ourselves...

...would we feel any differently than many militant Iraqi "insurgents"?

I'm not condoning what they're doing, either; terrorist actions make you a terrorist, period.

I'm just saying...I understand.

Find a way to bring our troops home, George. Do something right, for once.