Brainfart: Street Heat

Saw this POS with the lime green rims sitting on Broadway, and flipped when I saw the label Street Heat near the bumper. Close. It should say Burn Me, Please.

Brainfart: The iScooter

Spotted this bit of silliness walking around midtown the other night. Seriously...are you THAT much of a fan-boi? I'll bet whoever owns this eats Apple Jacks for breakfast every morning too.

All I Need Is a Dollar And a Dream, Right?

Someday, the world will acknowledge my innate godhood. For now, I'm content to bask in the glow of my own creative brilliance.

Back to the Ziggurat idea. I'd played around with this concept of LCD/Plasma faux windows for the interior, where instead of having actual windows I'd instead install video cameras on the outer walls of the structure and feed the live outside images to digital screens throughout the interior, which would give the appearance of being windows. I could look outside in real time, but never concern myself with someone else looking in.

By pure random chance - or the mind of a burgeoning god, I haven't decided yet - I stumbled across this website for a company called the Sky Factory (www.theskyfactory.com). What do they make?

Fake, luminous, skylights/windows.

How fantastic a concept is this? They basically build a lighted panel into your ceiling, install a special photographic panel, and cover that with an overlay. Flip a switch and presto! you're looking out at a great image of the world, any image of your choosing!

They can also design it in any pattern of your choosing, whether you want an entire ceiling panel or a round, gothic skylight. Which you absolutely KNOW yours truly would have to have. I loved that giant window they had in the movie "The Crow"; I've sworn that if ever I had the money, that would become my bedroom window. With this concept, I can have it and not worry about who's looking in, about needing curtains, or even where to place my bedroom - who cares whether or not the room is looking out over a particular view, when I can decide myself what image shows up on the display?

There's one design that I absolutely love on their website, it's sort of a ceiling/gutter skylight concept that follows the curve of a hall, along the ceiling; it just looks fantastic, providing a "natural" light while enhancing the design of the hall itself. I'll have to throw that in as well, I like the idea of curving halls within a pyramidal structure. I may even do that for the basement of the house; let's go with the underground feeling, but give it a sense of being above everything by hinting at nothing but sky being above it. I love the duality of it. [UPDATED NOTE: oooo! oooo! What if...instead of sky...it's an UNDERWATER display?! Holy school of fish, batman! How fuckingly awesome would that be? Hell it'd be like a better version of the old fish screen saver; imagine the occasional WHALE swimming overhead, casting a virtual shadow as it moves? Goddamn, I'm good.]

Now of course, their design s isn't quite MY design idea; theirs involves static images, a sort of mylar/film singular image that is installed into the window and becomes your permanent view. My idea would be to take their design and replace the lighting fixture with the digital wiring needed, and instead of the film photograph I'd replace that with an LCD or Plasma screen. I could even have a central computer system, where I could change the "weather" at will throughout the house - deciding on a clear night sky full of stars, perhaps, or a bright sunny day. Tie it in with the central air conditioning, and change the heat - and "wind" - to go with it. Add in scents to mimic the ocean, or fresh-cut grass, or the muskiness of a jungle or forest, or a garden...the possibilities are near-endless.

Oh and yes, they do have wall windows as well. These frames are about as fugly as hell, but the word "custom" is all over the place with these guys and believe me, I'm all about the customization.

Hell, depending on their patents - if I've got the mega-money to build the house, I've certainly got the bucks to finance a company to build these on my own. I may just market this myself.

Where's my lotto ticket?

The Bottom Line

Lately I've found myself looking ahead at the road my life is on, and it's not a bad road - sure it has it's potholes and bumps. But there isn't much traffic, the weather's been good, the engine sounds good and my gas tank isn't on E.

So why is it I keep looking back, and wondering if I missed an important exist somewhere?

I know it's an odd metaphor, but really it fits. It's like I was driving and my exit was coming up, but then this 18-wheeler pulled up in the right-side lane and suddenly I'm in traffic and can't cut over, and before I know it I'm past the exit and still speeding forward. So you figure you'll go on up ahead to the next exit, except you're deep on the interstate and so far it's been a good five miles and still no exit is coming up. Even if you find one, you're not sure how to circle around and get back on the highway to the other direction; instead you end up back on the same road, going in the same direction, and you've given up trying to find that same exit.

Understand I'm not about to delve into some emo shit; I like my wrists un-slashed, thank you very much, and I'm all about living life - not mourning it. But there's still that sense of "wrongness", that Sliding Doors feeling like except for one little thing, my life would have turned out completely different. Maybe better, maybe not - but different. And "right", whereas this one feels uncomfortable like a suit that's a big irregular. It doesn't sit right in the shoulders, the cut across the chest seems off. It's a nice suit, but it isn't tailored for me.

Case in point. We had what we call a "C" level departmental meeting, meaning all the departments who fall under a particular Chief where gathered together to listen to the ED explain the rationale behind our company's recent merger, why things happened the way they did. Basically a "how we got here" overview of the last 5-8 years, which was pretty revealing.

The scream-and-shout moment in my psyche came when the ED was explaining how they needed to increase the firm's Profits Per Partner, aka the PPP. Very reasonably he went on to explain how that was first achieved by cutting costs across the board, then - of course - cutting staff. An example was given of various IT personnel throughout our offices, how there would often be three individuals in each smaller office serving various functions from network/infrastructure support, to applications management and training. Rather than keep these people - 3 per office, over say 25 offices, for 75 people - you eliminate them ALL. Keep one person for the US, one for Europe - and fly them out to the other offices in their particular region as they're needed. Instant savings.

It was also brought up how, if we (and by WE I mean the institution) manage to get our Associates to work an additional 2 hours per week - again, a very reasonable request on the surface - that would average out to an additional revenue of $10 million dollars a year.

Ten fucking million dollars, which would then be used to increase PARTNER compensation.

I'm listening to this, eyebrows raised, nodding appropriately, but inside I'm screaming "OMG! You're telling me all those layoffs weren't because the firm was losing money, but because the Partners weren't making ENOUGH!?"

How in gods' name did I end up here? I'm not corporate! I hate corporate, despise the machine...but here I am, a cog in the wheel of the machine itself. And unfortunately I don't see myself leaving it any time soon, because being a typical American I like the lifestyle I've made for myself and leaving the machine would mean giving up all the creature comforts I've become accustomed to.

I'm a crackhead, and Corporate America is my dealer.

I'm not big on the whole Lotto thing - never have. It feels like cheating; I know that's weird, but fuck you I'm admittedly weird so get over it. Even stealing money, to me, means having had to WORK to get it - the planning, the actions, the getaway. It's twisted logic and questionable morals, but they're mine. So there.

But simply being handed money feels...just wrong. So I was never big on playing it.

I think that'll change. Because I feel like I deserve more, and yes again that's me being a typical greedy capitalist American, but so what. And yes, I did play the Mega yesterday. Obviously I didn't win, and there's this nagging little Capricornian gremlin on my shoulder screaming over the lost $4 I spent, but fuck him too. I'm getting off this highway, going off-road and blazing a new trail - one way or another.

Life's like a road that you travel on
When there's one day here and the next day gone
Sometimes you bend and sometimes you stand
Sometimes you turn your head to the wind
There's a world outside every darkened door
Where blues won't haunt you anymore
Where brave are free and lovers soar
Come ride with me to the distant shore
We won't hesitate
Break down the garden's gate
There's not much time left today

Life is a highway
I wanna ride it all night long
If you're going my way
I wanna drive it all night long

Brainfart: E=MC's Back

Apparently this is Musicology day, but that is why I call them brainfarts - you control what comes out, or what it smells like.

Forget Touch My Body, the song you'll be shaking your ass to in the clubs is I'm That Chick. You'll thank me later.

Brainfart: Play the Funky Music White Boy

i'm not a fan of Diddy or his Making the Band self promotional largess, but if Justin Timberlake found the soul Michael Jackson seems to have lost then Diddy's Donnie Klang may have found Prince's funkability. It'll be interesting to see if e has any sustainability, but his single Take You There is gonna blow the Bose is everyone's car speakers all summer long.

What's Red & Gold And Kicks Ass?

Yes indeed, true believers - Iron Man is indeed all that and a bag of micro-chips!

First: no one questioned Robert Downey Jr.'s acting ability. However, this is a superhero movie. It isn't so much about whether an actor has the talent, its whether he's suited for the role. Eric Bana made for a boring Bruce Banner, as did Brandon Roth's Clark Kent. We know Downey can play a drunken asshole - he doesn't need to act, to pull that one off. The question was really twofold: could Downey pull off the cool, suave genius that is also Tony Stark? And could Jon Favreau as director, whose previous directing credits included Zathura and The Breakup, pull off an adrenalin-charged, technology-heavy film like Iron Man?

A most emphatic yes to both.

Downey's Stark is fearless, carefree, impulsive - and yes, dear lord, every bit the tomcat I grew up wanting to emulate. His shameless flirting with a blond reporter, even while she's insulting him and his corporation, will become the stuff of legend (do I need to tell you where she wakes up the next morning?) He is every bit the egotistical ladies man we expect him to be, and you can't help but feel that Downey obviously enjoyed the role immensely.

However, Stark is only one half of this movie. The title demands the armor be both believable AND fantastical, and Favreau delivers on both fronts. The classic grey Mark I is every bit the home-cobbled monstrosity we expect it to be, and yet in its crudeness we are amazed. We watch as Tony, safe at home with a renewed sense of purpose, begins to refine his design. Here Favreau shines; he is obviously a fan himself, and the film is riddled with small kudos to the Iron Man storyline. Stark's computer AI is named Jarvis, and any Avengers fan worthy of the label will recognize the name. The suggestion of a later War Machine sequel is also hinted at, and Stark's anger at seeing his technology abused can't help but bring to mind the classic Armor Wars storyline of the early 90's.

The film is, of course, technology heavy - but wisely does not try to fill our heads with pseudo- science. Stark MAKES you believe that he, if no one else, understands how it works - and as the viewer you become free to accept the improbable as truth. You don't care how his repulsors work, how his suit's AI interfaces with the helmet's HUD, or how his boot jets work - you only care that it does, and wonderfully so. You'll move to the edge of your seat when Stark takes that first flight, wishing you could be the one inside it. Downey captures that childlike glee marvelously, drawing you in and sharing his exhileration with you.

Gwyenth Paltrow plays a casually cool, but obviously enamored, Pepper Potts. She's Stark's version of Bond's Ms Moneypenny, so much in love with her boss but knowing she could never have him to herself. Jeff Bridges' Obidiah Stane manages to be both fatherly and cunningly evil, and when he finally admits his betrayal to Tony you're well prepared, yet still impressed by the level of his hubris. He roars with impotence at his own inability to match Stark's genius, tearing into a subordinate who declares a needed level of technology impossible to build, snarling in response: "Stark did it in a CAVE! With SPARE PARTS!"

If there is a dent in this movie's armor it would have to be Terrance Howard's James Rhodes. Rhodes is Tony's right-hand man, his protege, his best friend - and yet none of this comes across in the interactions between Howard and Downey. I don't know if it's a measure of Howard's acting, him being miscast in the role, or a poorly written role for him. He doesn't mash his parts, far from it - but he's background material, overshadowed even by Paltrow's character. This is a shame, because it casts doubts that he could handle a starring role in a spin-off War Machine film.

Is Iron Man worthy of the name? It's a sleek, titanium-gold ride of a movie that straps a pair of rocket boots onto your feet and sends you cackling happily into the stratosphere. Sit back, eat your popcorn and enjoy. I did.

Brainfart: Anticipation

Iron Man: is this the SpiderMan for 2008, or is it Catwoman returns? Review to follow, true believers!

The Other Man of Steel

When I was a kid and the Marvel cartoons were in syndication (Spider-Man, Captain America, Thor, the Hulk and Iron Man) - I really thought this was the coolest cartoon song ever. Ev. Er. Captain America had his mighty shield...Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a spider can...and Doc Bruce Banner, belted by Gamma Rays turns into the Hulk.

But Tony Stark. He made you feel he was the cool exec with the heart of steel. As Iron Man, all jets abaze, he'd FIGHT and FIGHT with repulsor rays.

Amazing Armor. He's Iron Man.

And yes, I have my tickets to the movie already. Midnight showing.

Dorkgasm: These ARE The Droids I'm Looking For

Hello. My name is Eric.

And I'm a Star Wars Dork.

We won't go into the specifics of my addiction; suffice to say, I manage to hide it fairly well. Until products like this appear on the market, and the drool starts to form on its own:

This, true believers, is an R2-D2 Digital Audio and Video Projector. If ever you are trying to escape the clutches of the Dark Lord of the Sith and his Imperial Forces, this replica droid will project your image - or, conversely, the image of any DVD you choose to insert into its housing - onto a 260sq ft screen. And gods help you, if that first movie you insert isn't Star Wars: the original trilogy.

This is a fully articulated, completely mobile droid/projector. It moves remotely using the remote and treads, and its head swivels on command. All of the lights, beeps and whistles you expect to hear from our Friendly Neighborhood Astromech Droid are on board for your amusement and pleasure.


R2 here comes loaded with the following stats:

Picture by DLP from Texas Instruments
Project to ceilings and walls up to a 260-inch picture
Resolution: 1024x768
Contrast Ratio: 1800:1
Lumens: 1500
Built-in CD/DVD player. Also plays MP3/MP4 video
iPod docking station, memory card and USB slots
Built-in 20 watt stereo speaker system
FM wireless audio out (channels 1 through 7)
Full-function: forward, reverse turn 360 degrees and recline
Millennium Falcon remote control with removable stand
Head turns using Millennium Falcon remote control
Plays the most popular R2-D2 sound effects

Wait. Can we back up a second? "Millenium Falcon remote control"?

Gods help me, I think i just came in my pants.

I have now decided. My Ziggarut home theater system must have this, despite its $3000 price tag (however, given that I can't afford the ziggarut I don't see a problem spending the additional fictional dollars). And the theater design MUST look like the Mos Eisley cantina.

Oh god, oh god. It's happening again. Anyone have any tissues?

Pyramids are for P*ssies

For as long as I could remember, I've wanted to have my own house built.

Keep in mind, I really have no intention of buying a house. It's something I've never had a real interest in, and I have no explanation why I don't - it's more something I ask people to explain why I SHOULD. However, in the event I become a Lotto-millionaire and have money to burn, I've always said I would build my own house.

And it would be a pyramid.

I don't know why this is. But on some spiritual level, it's always felt "right", like that's exactly what it is I'm destined to have. So I accept it as a waking dream, a spirit vision, or some vestigal memory from a time ages ago in another lifetime spent crusing down the Nile, happily whipping my slaves into a frenzy. Whatever, right?

Certain elements have, over the years, remained true about this vision of my future home:
- it will be in the Bronx. I don't know exactly why this is, considering how much I worked to get OUT of the Bronx, but I no longer question. And let's face it, a pyramid in the Bronx would just kick ass.
- it will be black. Originally it was going to be black glass, but the impracticality of that while living in the Bronx is something to consider. However, thanks to modern technological advances, I've brainstormed that it can now be a smooth black marble - no glass. And that leads us to a more recent revelation...
- it will have no windows. That's right, true believers, my home will be a solid mass of stone and concrete, impervious to its environment. What occurred to me is that I could, instead, have large LCD SCREENS giant lighted florescent panels on the walls of the interior, with strategically placed cameras on the outside walls. Those cameras would transmit the outdoor scenery - weather, lighting, passerby - onto the interior screens at my discretion. Or, I could simply change the scenery to fit something I prefer - a wooded glen, a sandy beach by the ocean, a mountain villa - with appropriate ambient noise filtered throughout the house, at my whim.

Yes, I know I rock.

More recently I hit upon another evolution in my so-called plan. It will no longer be a pyramid.

It will be a ziggarut.

For one, a Ziggarut looks more...imposing. Also the word: Ziggarut. It just says "don't fuck with me", doesn't it? You read about pyramids being plundered, but you never read about ziggaruts being...aw hell, there's no "z" word for being robbed, but maybe that's the point. It breathes "rock", "stone", "trespassers will be crushed by massive slabs of falling marble". It says "danger, will robinson, danger", to anyone considering scaling it.

Within this sudden inspiration, I see a four-story structure. The ground level will be a garage and library, perhaps a home theater area. Living room, kitchen, dining area. The underground level will be a recreation center - archery lane, indoor volleyball court (or maybe the ground level). Bar. Things to consider, in placing them.

Second level? Bedrooms, guest rooms.

Third level? An atrium, of sorts. You see, the ancient ziggaruts actually had shrines at the very top of their structures; I would have mine as an arbortoreum, with a retractable room and solar panels reflecting light. I would have seats, an outdoor bar, a full barbecue setup, a sound system...a way to access it from the outside. A balcony, looking out. Natural plants, trees...who knows, maybe even birds. My way of giving back to the natural world.

Now granted, this is all a dream - we're easily talking a few million to build it, let alone get the land rights I'd need and hire the architect to handle it.

But hey, all we need is a dollar, right?

Brainfart: Let's Go Mets...or Not

6th inning, Santana's being taken out with the Mets up 4-2. When they lose, tell the police my body can be found in Field section 14E - cuz these fans will lynch me, rooting for Pittsburgh.

Brainfart: Monkey See, Monkey Do Nothing

that pretty much sums up how I feel about working today. Anyone got a banana?

Toymaker Extraordinaire

This one is a shout-out to all the big kids out there, the ones who still get a grin on their faces when they see a cool looking toy.

There's a man by the name of Sillof who, just for the pure fun of it, decided one day to lop off the head of his X-Wing Pilot Luke Skywalker, and replace it with the blond-headed Tattoine-robed version - just to see what it looked like.

From those humble beginning, it's safe to say that the man's talent didn't just bloom. It exploded. He's become the Modder's modder, someone who takes existing action figures and...well, in the words of Emeril, adds a little BAM to them.

His specialty seems to be taking "modern" designs and turning them into historical-period or Steampunk versions. His WWI versions of Star Wars figures are amazing to look at, the level of detail is incredible. I found myself chuckling at his Snowtroopers, if only because he included a handy snow shovel on their equipment belt. He's done a Victorian version of the Justice League that's reminiscent of DCs own Gotham by Gaslight alterverse - I especially like his take on Green Lantern and Aquaman (the water-filled scuba bubble is GENIUS!)

You'll also never forgive yourself if you don't look over his steampunk versions of Star Wars.


You can see his whole line here at: http://www.sillof.com/index.htm

Brainfart: Emergency Exit

this was scrawled on the wall of the construction zone that is my workplace. Makes u wish u had one for Life, doesn't it?

He'll Probaby Be Pitching For the Yankees in 10 Years

And yes, Virginia, I DO make fun of my own team. So what. :-p But I saw this article and laughed:

TOKYO (Reuters) - A Japanese high school pleaded for a regional game to be abandoned after surrendering 66 runs in less than two innings, local media reported on Thursday.

The coach of Kawamoto technical high school threw in the towel to spare his pitcher's arm with his team losing 66-0 with just one batter out in the bottom of the second.

The hapless hurler had already sent down over 250 pitches, allowing 26 runs in the first inning and 40 in the second before Kawamoto asked for mercy.

"At that pace the pitcher would have thrown around 500 pitches in four innings," Kawamoto's coach was quoted as saying. "There was a danger he could get injured."

Opponents Shunshukan were officially credited with a 9-0 victory, giving the scoreline a tinge of respectability for the luckless Kawamoto school.

I love that line, "there was a danger he could get injured". Hey coach, news flash - maybe you should have taken your boy out of the game in, oh, I don't know...the FIRST inning? I mean, what - did you think your team could come BACK from giving up 26 runs in the first? Seriously, never mind that this poor kid threw more pitches in an inning than Mariano Rivera throws in a season; you were worried only because you figured if he got to 500 pitches, he'd start having problems?

This coach must work for the Dodgers organization.

Mobile Brainfart: National Hooky Day

Seriously, after a long wet winter, how are we expected to work on a day like this?

Mobile Brainfart: Office Gypsy

Moving day @ Le Dew. 3rd move in 7 months, thx to the merger. My next office should be a wagon hitched to a horse.

Mobile Brainfart: Green Graffiti

Someone in the park by my home has been going nuts with the chalk, every day writing new messages of green Earth & Native peace. My fav: "And maybe one day will come when color will mean nothing more than a rainbow in the sun."

Sometimes They NEED An A** Whipping

Every now and then, you read a story about a single Mom who finally gets it right and you can't help but applaud her.

This 13yr old kid in Virginia - for lack of a name, we'll call him Damian - was told to get off his Xbox and do his chores. Clean his room, vacuum, take out the garbage. The usual. The snotty little anti-christ decides to go all 9/11 on his mom, and BROKE THE VACUUM. No more chores, right? La-la-la, ha-ha-ha.

Well the joke's on him, because while my mom would have ripped the cord off that vacuum and beat my brown ass red, Mother Theresa here packs up his Xbox and all of his games, and put them up for sale online.

Fucking A, you go Mom!

The great part is, she doesn't stop there. She checks out his computer, and what does she find hiding among all the cookies? Porn sites. Well hell no, says Militant Momma; she locks down the computer with a password, then decides to give him the ultimate payback by pranking his Myspace page: changing his profile so that it's filled with cutesy Snoopy images all over the place.

Take that, you little shit. Mom 2, Devilchild 0.

I've always said that any kid of mine would have to be infinitely sneakier and smarter than me, to get away with shit - because I've definitely been there/done that, and since I'm a mistrusting bastard anyway I'm damn sure not going to assume my kid is the second coming of Christ. The problem is...if I do find out I've been getting scammed, I'd probably be proud of the kid for managing to beat me.

Then I'd whip his little ass. But it'd be done with love.

This story does have a nice ending. Since word got out, the Dyson company sent Mom a $500 vacuum as a replacement.

Mom 3, Damien 0.