So why is it I keep looking back, and wondering if I missed an important exist somewhere?
I know it's an odd metaphor, but really it fits. It's like I was driving and my exit was coming up, but then this 18-wheeler pulled up in the right-side lane and suddenly I'm in traffic and can't cut over, and before I know it I'm past the exit and still speeding forward. So you figure you'll go on up ahead to the next exit, except you're deep on the interstate and so far it's been a good five miles and still no exit is coming up. Even if you find one, you're not sure how to circle around and get back on the highway to the other direction; instead you end up back on the same road, going in the same direction, and you've given up trying to find that same exit.
Understand I'm not about to delve into some emo shit; I like my wrists un-slashed, thank you very much, and I'm all about living life - not mourning it. But there's still that sense of "wrongness", that Sliding Doors feeling like except for one little thing, my life would have turned out completely different. Maybe better, maybe not - but different. And "right", whereas this one feels uncomfortable like a suit that's a big irregular. It doesn't sit right in the shoulders, the cut across the chest seems off. It's a nice suit, but it isn't tailored for me.
Case in point. We had what we call a "C" level departmental meeting, meaning all the departments who fall under a particular Chief where gathered together to listen to the ED explain the rationale behind our company's recent merger, why things happened the way they did. Basically a "how we got here" overview of the last 5-8 years, which was pretty revealing.
The scream-and-shout moment in my psyche came when the ED was explaining how they needed to increase the firm's Profits Per Partner, aka the PPP. Very reasonably he went on to explain how that was first achieved by cutting costs across the board, then - of course - cutting staff. An example was given of various IT personnel throughout our offices, how there would often be three individuals in each smaller office serving various functions from network/infrastructure support, to applications management and training. Rather than keep these people - 3 per office, over say 25 offices, for 75 people - you eliminate them ALL. Keep one person for the US, one for Europe - and fly them out to the other offices in their particular region as they're needed. Instant savings.
It was also brought up how, if we (and by WE I mean the institution) manage to get our Associates to work an additional 2 hours per week - again, a very reasonable request on the surface - that would average out to an additional revenue of $10 million dollars a year.
Ten fucking million dollars, which would then be used to increase PARTNER compensation.
I'm listening to this, eyebrows raised, nodding appropriately, but inside I'm screaming "OMG! You're telling me all those layoffs weren't because the firm was losing money, but because the Partners weren't making ENOUGH!?"
How in gods' name did I end up here? I'm not corporate! I hate corporate, despise the machine...but here I am, a cog in the wheel of the machine itself. And unfortunately I don't see myself leaving it any time soon, because being a typical American I like the lifestyle I've made for myself and leaving the machine would mean giving up all the creature comforts I've become accustomed to.
I'm a crackhead, and Corporate America is my dealer.
I'm not big on the whole Lotto thing - never have. It feels like cheating; I know that's weird, but fuck you I'm admittedly weird so get over it. Even stealing money, to me, means having had to WORK to get it - the planning, the actions, the getaway. It's twisted logic and questionable morals, but they're mine. So there.
But simply being handed money feels...just wrong. So I was never big on playing it.
I think that'll change. Because I feel like I deserve more, and yes again that's me being a typical greedy capitalist American, but so what. And yes, I did play the Mega yesterday. Obviously I didn't win, and there's this nagging little Capricornian gremlin on my shoulder screaming over the lost $4 I spent, but fuck him too. I'm getting off this highway, going off-road and blazing a new trail - one way or another.
Life's like a road that you travel on
When there's one day here and the next day gone
Sometimes you bend and sometimes you stand
Sometimes you turn your head to the wind
There's a world outside every darkened door
Where blues won't haunt you anymore
Where brave are free and lovers soar
Come ride with me to the distant shore
We won't hesitate
Break down the garden's gate
There's not much time left today
Life is a highway
I wanna ride it all night long
If you're going my way
I wanna drive it all night long
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment