Or, Maybe Little Precious Is a Wii Bit Fat

Those silly, silly Brits are at it once again. And thank the GODS they started it, because you know damn well it would have happened here in the Colonies eventually.

For those of you living under a rock for the past half a year or so, Nintendo has come out last week with a new game called "Wii Fit", which really is more of an exercise videogame than it is an entertainment game. It's designed to get you off your ass and, I don't know...exercise, I guess.

Hence, I suppose, the name "Fit" in the game's name.

My sarcasm is dripping with overflow here because the British media is, itself, overflowing with joy - telling the oh-so-sad tale of a young girl, a mere 10 years of age, whose precious psyche will forever be scarred by this horrible Japanese game which has, apparently, decided that the waif is somewhat on the porkier side of "not-fit".

Meaning she's a fatty.



This is just one article, but there are plenty; they're loving this story, and can't seem to get enough of it.

The short version.

Young miss exhales with joy as Parental Units bring home the overhyped Nintendo "game", which I should emphasize once again is advertised as a "fitness" game. To get you into shape.

Young miss boots up the game, stands on the boogie board provided, and goes through the mild exercises the game puts you through to determine your initial fitness level.

The game calculates, factoring in her age, weight, height, and of course her ability (or apparent lack thereof) to perform the few menial balance and agility tests it has asked her to do.

The game responds. "Holy mother of god, get off my board before you break it in half, you chubby whale!"

Child runs off to Mums, crying hysterically. Mums is outraged that anyone would tell her nummykins she's fat, and bakes the young tot a blackberry pie to soothe her bruised psyche. Reporters swarm eagerly, racing to be the first to tell this dastardly tale.

Of course, I exaggerate. As did, obviously, the press. And this family.

The game does not scream you are fat. It will not poke fun of your Homer Simpson-like beer belly. It does, however, provide you a scale with which to judge your initial degree of fitness, giving you a starting point to improve upon over time.

The girl's father says: "She is a perfectly healthy, 4ft 9in tall 10-year-old who swims, dances and weighs only six stone," said the father, who did not want to be named for fear of embarrassing the girl further.

"She is solidly built but not fat. She was devastated to be called fat and we had to work hard to convince her she isn't.

So. At a conversion rate of about 14pounds to a stone, she's...84pounds, give or take a cupcake or two. I really have no concept of what 84pounds is actually like...but I went searching. Of course.

Things that also weigh 6 stone include:

The PHANTOM THREE-WHEEL SCOOTER has a weight capacity of 300lbs, and gets 15miles on a single charge. This sucker comes apart for easy storage, and yes that is indeed a headlight you see included in the package. Vroom vroom, baby!

If the scooter's not your bag, this HI MOUNTAIN JERKY SMOKER is a compact 24" tall, 19" deep with one oven rack and two smoker screens. It's stainless steel top and interior walls make for quick and easy cleaning. Mmm-mmm, I can smell that squirrel jerky roasting all the way from here!

Maybe...you're more the audiophile, hmmm? These REGA FLOORSTANDING SPEAKERS stand just about 40 inches high (just over 3ft) and 15 inches deep. I'd tell you all about the craftsmanship but who cares, it's a $4000 speaker; it better be made well.

So what does all this really say? It says that a 10yr old girl the size of a small jerky smoker got all teary because her video game called her a tubbo.

Perhaps...I dunno. I'm going out on a limb here. But maybe. Just maybe.

Maybe she's, just, you know, a *bit* overweight? Which, I'm betting, is why Daddykins and Mumsy bought little princess the goddamn FITNESS GAME IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE?!

Holy shit, Batman, what the hell is wrong with you people?!

"Obesity experts" are upset that the game could "damage a child's image of themselves". Obesity experts?

Fat people. Fucking chubbos are upset that junior porkers might actually figure out that they ARE fat, and GODS HELP US do something about it?!

Go eat a fucking double cheeseburger, you fat bastards. These are the same people who probably sued McDonald's for making them fat; yeah, like it's SOOOOOOOO hard to JUST order the grilled chicken salad. I mean, really - you HAVE to have the supersized fries. Oh and it's only a quarter more for the Jumbo sized Coke, so why exercise self control and get the bottled water? Apple pies are TWO for a dollar, of course I don't want just one - and skipping them completely? Out of the question!

...all of this...and the damn game doesn't even tell the kid she's fat. It's a BAR on a SCALE that says she MIGHT be a bit overweight, and HERE'S SOMETHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.

Evil fucking game, that is. Right satanic. Blimey.




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