Pyramids are for P*ssies

For as long as I could remember, I've wanted to have my own house built.

Keep in mind, I really have no intention of buying a house. It's something I've never had a real interest in, and I have no explanation why I don't - it's more something I ask people to explain why I SHOULD. However, in the event I become a Lotto-millionaire and have money to burn, I've always said I would build my own house.

And it would be a pyramid.

I don't know why this is. But on some spiritual level, it's always felt "right", like that's exactly what it is I'm destined to have. So I accept it as a waking dream, a spirit vision, or some vestigal memory from a time ages ago in another lifetime spent crusing down the Nile, happily whipping my slaves into a frenzy. Whatever, right?

Certain elements have, over the years, remained true about this vision of my future home:
- it will be in the Bronx. I don't know exactly why this is, considering how much I worked to get OUT of the Bronx, but I no longer question. And let's face it, a pyramid in the Bronx would just kick ass.
- it will be black. Originally it was going to be black glass, but the impracticality of that while living in the Bronx is something to consider. However, thanks to modern technological advances, I've brainstormed that it can now be a smooth black marble - no glass. And that leads us to a more recent revelation...
- it will have no windows. That's right, true believers, my home will be a solid mass of stone and concrete, impervious to its environment. What occurred to me is that I could, instead, have large LCD SCREENS giant lighted florescent panels on the walls of the interior, with strategically placed cameras on the outside walls. Those cameras would transmit the outdoor scenery - weather, lighting, passerby - onto the interior screens at my discretion. Or, I could simply change the scenery to fit something I prefer - a wooded glen, a sandy beach by the ocean, a mountain villa - with appropriate ambient noise filtered throughout the house, at my whim.

Yes, I know I rock.

More recently I hit upon another evolution in my so-called plan. It will no longer be a pyramid.

It will be a ziggarut.

For one, a Ziggarut looks more...imposing. Also the word: Ziggarut. It just says "don't fuck with me", doesn't it? You read about pyramids being plundered, but you never read about ziggaruts being...aw hell, there's no "z" word for being robbed, but maybe that's the point. It breathes "rock", "stone", "trespassers will be crushed by massive slabs of falling marble". It says "danger, will robinson, danger", to anyone considering scaling it.

Within this sudden inspiration, I see a four-story structure. The ground level will be a garage and library, perhaps a home theater area. Living room, kitchen, dining area. The underground level will be a recreation center - archery lane, indoor volleyball court (or maybe the ground level). Bar. Things to consider, in placing them.

Second level? Bedrooms, guest rooms.

Third level? An atrium, of sorts. You see, the ancient ziggaruts actually had shrines at the very top of their structures; I would have mine as an arbortoreum, with a retractable room and solar panels reflecting light. I would have seats, an outdoor bar, a full barbecue setup, a sound system...a way to access it from the outside. A balcony, looking out. Natural plants, trees...who knows, maybe even birds. My way of giving back to the natural world.

Now granted, this is all a dream - we're easily talking a few million to build it, let alone get the land rights I'd need and hire the architect to handle it.

But hey, all we need is a dollar, right?