Ebooks (Vol. 3): I Know Which Device, but Where to Find eBooks?

So, I've talked about why you might want a digital book reader, and gave examples of readers on the market for you to choose from. Now: where can you go to actually GET ebooks for the reader?

First, I need to make something extremely clear: you will NOT find every book you want in an ebook format. Ebooks have been slow to catch on, especially with bookstores (brick and mortar, AND online) and publishers. Some authors, like Stephen King, have come out strongly in favor of ebooks; others, like J.K. Rowling, have explicitly denied any chance of their books coming out in ebook form.

Also. Ebooks can be free. Some of them. But most aren't. You won't find your latest volume in the Twilight series for free, but you'll likely find them in several formats across various ebooks stores and libraries. Don't expect to always get fantastic discounts for not buying paper, either; I've seen modern releases discounted for as little as 5% off the paper price. On the other hand, I've also seen as high as 70% off the paper price, especially if the ebookstore is pushing a particular author/genre/series. If your reader can support multiple formats...shop around, you might find a better price someplace else.

Classic literature is usually the least expensive to find, and are often the ones you'll find for free. At most, you'll see them being sold for maybe $4, perhaps as little as $1. Buy generic, unless you feel you need to pay more.

Now, I would like to say that certain truths are self evident: that all ebook stores are created equal. That all digital readers are endowed by their creators with comparable digital rights, that among these are PDF, PUB, and DOC files.

But alas, true believers, this isn't the case at all.

Ebooks come in all shapes and sizes, depending on where you find them. And, most importantly: not every reader, can read every format.

Yes, my friends, it's true. We're back to the format wars, only now it's the realm of digital books.

Right now ebooks can be found across the web in the following file formats: HTML, PDF, DOC, TXT, RTF, LIT, PDB, PRC, MOB, EPUB, PPT, DJVU, CHM, WOLF, LRF, and AZW.

Holy ridiculous variety, Batman!

Knowing what formats are available on what reader you choose is very, very important; you don't want to find yourself stuck with a reader that is only good for reading PDF documents, and then you're unable to find a library/bookstore where you can get books you want in that format.

Of course, ve haff vays uff circumventing that...but I'll talk about that later.

Here's a list of the largest repositories of ebooks; there are a lot more than these out there, and you can feel free to Google your little hearts out. These are simply the bigguns, the Borders/Waterstones/Barnes & Nobles of the ebook world, and in some cases - the only place you can go. Read on, McDuff.

1. Amazon
http://www.amazon.com/kindle-store-ebooks-newspapers-blogs/b?ie=UTF8&node=133141011
Gee, what a surprise to find them here, right? Amazon is probably the biggest online retailer for books, and you shouldn't be surprised that they also have the largest ebook library at over 245,000 titles for sale. Unfortunately there is a catch: Amazon's ebooks only come in Amazon's proprietary .azw format. Annnnnnnnnd now, for the grand prize...can you guess which device is the only device able to read this format? Yes, you guessed it: the Kindle. It's the Apple iTunes model - build the largest library, build the only device that supports it, lock people into a sales loop. And good luck circumventing their format, because the Kindle ebookstore doesn't download to your desktop - it wirelessly syncs to your Amazon/Kindle account, and sends your books directly to your registered device.

2. Mobipocket
http://www.mobipocket.com
Mobi has been selling ebooks since 2000, well before there were dedicated reader to use them on. They were originally designed for PDAs, the predecessor to today's Smartphones - so were well ahead of the curve when the digital reader revolution began. Their library has over 120,000 titles in the .mob and .prc format...and were bought by Amazon in 2005. Which goes at least half the distance to explaining why Amazon has such a large ebook library, compared to others in the market.

3. Sony Ebook Store
http://ebook.sony.com
Poor Sony. They were the first big name on the ebook reader scene with their device, and now it's like being Stephen King's cousin, Sammy King - write all the books you want, you'll still just be in someone else's shadow. They've worked out an association with Borders Bookstores, which I'm hoping will see their library exponentially increase over the coming year; Sony's ebook store has close to 100,000 titles, which download in their .lrf format. To their credit, however, Sony has given up the ghost of proprietary formats fairly quickly (given their history), and made their reader much more multi-format compatible. They've also come out in support of the .epub format, which is slowly - sloooowwwwwwlyyyy - inching its way to becoming the industry standard; their device also supports the Adobe Digital Editions/PDF formats. You do, however, need to install Sony's Ebook software to download books.

4. Fictionwise
http://www.fictionwise.com
Fictionwise is the dark horse in this race; opened in 2000, they don't have the largest library of ebooks at around 59,000 titles. What they do have is the largest format support of any other ebook retailer. They sell ebooks in both device-specific encrypted form and unencrypted forms, and in a choice (depending on a title's format availability) of: .lrf, .mobi, .prc, .lit, .pdf, and a few others (.kml, .rb) I haven't seen. Also, and perhaps most importantly: on March 5th of this year, Fictionwise was acquired by Barnes & Noble. I particularly find this somewhat amusing; in 2003, B&N pulled out of the ebook market, complaining that "manufacturers have not yet made a device that consumers embrace on a wide scale."

5. Ebooks
http://www.ebooks.com
Launched in 2000 (do you see a trend here?), Ebooks is another Little Engine That Could. They claim to have a library of - depending on what part of their website you read, either 30,000 titles, 100,000 titles, or 160,000 titles. Hmm. I'm inclined to believe the former, and the latter figure includes "documents", which may be research papers in electronic format. They do offer multiple formats: .mob/prc, .lit, and .pdf.

6. Ereader.com
http://www.ereader.com
You have to give Ereader some credit, they just keep managing to survive. This is probably the OLDEST online electronic book retailer, once upon a time (mid 1990's) existing as Peanut Press and selling ebooks exclusively for the Palm OS devices. Since then they've been sold to Palm (became Palm Digital Media), then to Motoricity (where they became Ereader.com)...and in 2008 they were bought by Fictionwise. Which is now owned by Barnes & Noble. Which gives B&N a double-foothold into the ebook online retail market. Look out, Amazon! Right now, you need the Ereader software to read their books; they were primarily designed for PDA devices. I'm expecting this model to change dramatically as B&N.com changes their online model to once again include ebooks.

7. Gutenberg Project
http://www.gutenberg.org
Project Gutenberg is the first and largest single collection of free electronic books, or eBooks. Michael Hart, founder of Project Gutenberg, invented eBooks in 1971 and continues to inspire the creation of eBooks and related technologies today. PG is about digital books in all their forms - the list I've seen includes ASCII, .html, .pdf, .prc, .pdb, .rtf, .txt...as well as .mp3, .midi...you get the idea. PG is about non-DRM formats, and free books to all. Books on PG are also public domain - you won't find any Ann Rice novels here, but you will find various works by Plato, Shakespeare, Bram Stoker, Byron...at last count they had 27,000 free titles available.

I decided to include one more - not that I've had any experience with them at all, but I stumbled across them looking for something else and felt they warranted mention, if not further exploration:

8. eBookMall
http://www.ebookmall.com/
From their own website:

eBookMall is a leading e-publisher and Internet retailer of eBooks. The eBookMall e-commerce website at www.ebookmall.com was launched on July 4, 2000. The site has grown from 2,000 eBooks to over 210,000 eBooks and continues to grow rapidly.

eBookMall now offers over 150,000 eBooks in a variety of popular formats. Our ordering system is simple and secure. We've provided an ample amount of instructions on how to order, because we understand that eBooks are a new technology and not much of the population has had experience with ordering them yet. We think the amount of eBook readers will increase as everyone realizes how simple eBooks are to use, and how many benefits they have.

From my own quick research, they support ebooks in the following formats: .prc, .pdb, .mob, .lit, .pdf, .doc, .txt, and .html.

So, there you have it; an exhaustive list of places you can go to get your book-read on, once you've bought your digital reading device. But what happens if the books you want, aren't available in a format your device supports?

See you next time :)

Ebooks (Vol. 2): Okay I Want, but Which One?

Thanks largely in part to 1) Oprah mentioning it on her show, and 2) no one being able to buy anything from Amazon's website without seeing a Kindle ad, the Amazon Kindle has burst out to a commanding lead in the dedicated ebook device sales market. However, just because they're becoming the iPod of ereaders, doesn't mean they're the only kid on the block you should look at. I've compiled a list of the big players out there, and you can decide for yourself which one you like more. Next volume, we'll discuss where you can GET books for your device - because not every device, can display every book format.

Kindle 2
Manufacturer: Amazon
Price: $359
Available: Amazon.com only
Specifications:

Display: 6" diagonal E-Ink® electronic paper display, 600 x 800 pixel resolution at 167 ppi, 16-level gray scale.

Size (in inches): 8" x 5.3" x 0.36".
Weight: 10.2 ounces.

System requirements: None, because it doesn't require a computer.

Storage: 2GB internal (approximately 1.4GB available for user content).

Battery Life: Read on a single charge for up to 4 days with wireless on. Turn wireless off and read for up to two weeks. Battery life will vary based on wireless usage, such as shopping the Kindle Store and downloading content. In low coverage areas or in 1xRTT only coverage, wireless usage will consume battery power more quickly.
Charge Time: Fully charges in approximately 4 hours and supports charging from your computer via the included USB 2.0 cable.

Connectivity: EVDO modem with fallback to 1xRTT; utilizes Amazon Whispernet to provide U.S wireless coverage via Sprint's 3G high-speed data network. Check our wireless coverage map for availability. This expanded coverage is only available for Kindle 2. See Wireless Terms and Conditions.

USB Port: USB 2.0 (micro-B connector) for connection to the Kindle power adapter or optionally to connect to a PC or Macintosh computer.

Audio: 3.5mm stereo audio jack, rear-mounted stereo speakers.
Content Formats Supported: Kindle (AZW), TXT, Audible (formats 4, Audible Enhanced (AAX)), MP3, unprotected MOBI, PRC natively; PDF, HTML, DOC, JPEG, GIF, PNG, BMP through conversion.

Included Accessories: Power adapter, USB 2.0 cable, rechargeable battery. Book cover sold separately.

Review:
(CNET) The good:
Slimmer and sleeker looking than the original Kindle; large library of tens of thousands of e-books, newspapers, magazines, and blogs via Amazon's familiar online store; built-in free wireless "Whispernet" data network--no PC needed; built-in keyboard for notes and navigation; a faster processor speeds up the device; with 2GB of internal memory, it's capable of storing 1,500 electronic books; font size is adjustable; improved battery life; displays image files and plays MP3 and AAC audio; compatible with Windows and Mac machines; new Text-to-Speech feature allows you to have text read aloud.

The bad:
No expansion slot for adding more memory or accessing files; files such as PDFs and Word documents aren't natively supported, and need to be converted at 10 cents a pop by Amazon; no protective carrying case included; battery is sealed into the device and isn't removable; hardware and content is still too expensive.

The bottom line:
While it's still short of perfection--and has a price tag that's too high--the Amazon Kindle 2 offers a range of improvements that makes it the best overall e-book reader we've seen to date.
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Reader Digital Book 700
Manufacturer: Sony
Price: $399 ($259 non-touchscreen 505 model available)
Specifications:

Weights and Measurements
Dimensions (Approx.) : Approx. 5 1/9 x 6 7/9 x 13/32 inches (127.6 x 174.3 x 9.7 mm)
Weight (Approx.) : 10 oz. without soft cover

Power
AC Power : Optional AC Charger requires 120 Volts 60Hz
Battery Life (Approx) : Up to 7,500 continuous page turns (or up to two weeks worth of reading)

Battery Type : Rechargeable Lithium-Ion
Recharging Time : Approx. 4 Hours with USB charging from powered Computer or Approx. 2 Hours when using optional AC wall charger

Media Formats Supported
DRM Text : BBeB Book (Marlin), ePub
Image : JPEG, GIF, PNG, and BMP
Unsecured Audio : MP3 and AAC7
Unsecured Text : BBeB, ePub, TXT, RTF, Adobe® PDF10, Microsoft® Word (Conversion to the Reader requires Word installed on your PC)

Display
Gray Scale : 8-Level Gray Scale
Resolution : Approx. 170 Pixels Per Inch
Screen Size : 6" Measured Diagonally
Technology : E Ink® "Electronic Paper"
Touchscreen

Review:
(MobileTechReview) Sony has worked a near miracle with their touch screen and touch-centric user interface. The Reader is simply a joy to use in terms of ergonomics, control and navigation. This is by far the most natural way to manage, navigate and read books we've seen so far. Alas, its lesser contrast doesn't warm our bookish hearts, and for those in love with e-ink's paper-like look, that's a tough one to swallow. For those new to eBook readers or those who don't mind reading from matte notebook displays, the PRS-700 has greater appeal. As always, the Reader is a great way to carry around a huge library of books and avoid the storage issues of traditional books. We aplaud Sony's support for a variety of formats, both DRM and non-DRM, especially native PDF and ePUB support. Though it lacks the cool wireless shopping feature we won't complain since all book purchases are downloaded to our PC and we can read those books on the PC too.

Pro: Responsive touch screen and excellent user interface. Navigating through books, notes and where you left off in a book is quick and easy. Nice design, more attractive than the original Kindle and more book-like than the Kindle 2. The touch screen means there's no need for a hardware keyboard (assuming you like to take notes and want a keyboard). A nice cover is included. Several book formats are supported natively, including ePUB, which will likely become the standard for digital books. The sidelights are a godsend to those who read in bed and don't want to disturb his/her partner. Sturdy metal casing (though that display is glass, so do take care).

Con: Screen has less contrast and clarity than earlier Sony Readers and the Amazon Kindle. Sony desktop software doesn't support the Mac.
.

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Plastic Logic Reader (no official name given)
Manufacturer: Plastic Logic
Price: unknown
Available: late 2009
Specifications/Review:From the company website:
The Plastic Logic reader supports a full range of business document formats, such as Microsoft Word, Excel and Powerpoint, and Adobe PDFs, as well as newspapers, periodicals and books. It has an easy gesture-based user interface and powerful software tools that will help business users to organize and manage their information. Users can connect to their information either wired or wirelessly and store thousands of documents on the device. The reader incorporates E Ink technology for great readability and features low power consumption and long battery life.

(from reviews on the demo device)
The Plastic Logic reader's screen is larger, the size of a standard sheet of paper--8.5 by 11 inches--but it doesn't weigh much more than the other readers. It weighs 13 ounces--compared with 10.3 ounces for the smaller Kindle. And it has a display on a plastic substrate, unlike the glass screen used for the Kindle and Sony Reader, which means that it is rugged. (At Demo, Plastic Logic's CEO, Richard Archuleta, showed a video of the display being whacked with a shoe and continuing to operate.)

Instead of dealing with buttons, users can flip through the pages of a book, magazine, or PDF using a touch screen and a simple swiping gesture. The Plastic Logic reader includes a "sticky note" function and a soft keyboard for marking pages. The company hasn't made a final decision on what the reader's storage capacity will be.
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Cybook Gen 3Manufacturer: Bookeen
Price: $350
Available: yes
Specifications:

Size:
4.7" x 7.4" x 0.3"
118 x 188 x 8.5 mm

Weight:
6.13 ounces -174 g
battery included

Screen:
6" E Ink® Vizplex screen
[4.8"x3.6"- 122mmx91mm]
600x800 pixels, 166 dpi
B&W, 4 grayscale
Daylight readable
No backlight
Portrait and landscape mode

Controls:
buttons "ON/OFF", "Up ", "Down", "Right ", "Left", "Enter ", "Delete", "Menu", "Music".
Power Supply:
Universal AC 100~240V, DC 5V 700mA
Plugs: Euro 2Pin, UK 3Pin, US 2Pin
Operating System:
Embedded Linux
Software suite:
Bookeen® Multi-format eBook reader
Supported image formats: JPG, GIF, PNG
Supported sound format: MP3
Battery:
Rechargeable built-in Li-Polymer battery (1000 mAh)
8,000 screen refresh battery life
Processor:
Samsung® S3C2410 ARM920T 200MHz
ROM memory:
8 MB
RAM memory:
16 MB
Storage memory:
512 MB
Connectivity:
USB Client (v2.0) - Mini USB B connector
In the box:
Cybook eBook reading device
USB cable
Quick Start Guide
Charger (Deluxe version)
Case (Deluxe version)
2GB SD card (Deluxe version)
Extra battery (Deluxe version)
Stereo earphones (Deluxe version

Review:(TheFutureOfThings) On the plus side, we can definitely say that, for the most part, the Cybook is fairly quick and responsive. It has a readable display, good battery life, good RSS support, and as a dedicated e-book reader it usually does its job very well.

On the downside, it is hard to use the device without considering how much better it could have been given slightly improved hardware and more robust firmware.

Pros
Fast—faster than the Sony PRS-505
Thin, light, and small
Very good battery life, (8,000 page-flips, according to Bookeen, and many hours of MP3 playback, revealed by our test)
Latest e-paper screen—very comfortable to read in a well-lit environment
Mobipocket format and software is excellent
Good—and free—RSS support

Cons
Cumbersome page-flip mechanism
Only a few, small hardware buttons
Current firmware (late February 2008) lacks folder and subfolder capabilities, making anything with more than 100 items difficult to find
Incomplete PDF support—some files don’t open or crash the device
No SDHC support
No wireless connectivity
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iLiad Book Edition
Manufacturer: iRex Technologies
Price: $699
Available: yes
Specifications:

Display
8.1-inch (diagonal) Electronic Paper Display
768 x 1024 pixels resolution, 160 DPI.
16 levels of grey-scale
Touch sensor input
Integrated Wacom® Penabled® sensor board
Stylus (Wacom® Slim Pen)

Processor and memory
Intel® 400MHz XScale™ processor
64 MB RAM

Storage and expansion
256MB internal flash memory of which 128MB accessible to user.
Expandable via USB, MMC or CF cards.

Power and battery
Built-in rechargeable Lithium Ion battery
Charging via Power Adapter
Charging time: about 3 hours

Audio
Built-in stereo speakers
3.5-mm stereo headphone mini-jack

Communication
Built-in Wi-Fi® 802.11B/G wireless networking
Optional external 10/100MB Ethernet networking via Travel hub.
Size and Weight
Height: 217mm (8.5 inch)
Width: 155mm (6.1 inch)
Depth: 16mm (0.63 inch)
Weight: 435 grams (15.3 ounce)

Supported Formats
File formats supported : PDF / HTML / TXT / JPG / BMP/ PNG / PRC (Mobipocket)
Additional formats supported in the future.

Interface Languages
Dutch, English, German, French and Spanish.
Additional languages supported in the future.

Review:
(TopTenReviews) It seems to be marketed more toward the communal student environment. Where you can read a book on it, but you can also get anything else that can be printed off from a computer (meaning it supports PDF files). The iLiad also has more of an international base, giving users the option to get many of the international newspapers straight to their device.

One feature we liked about the iLiad was its device-to-device compatibility. When you make notes and annotate documents on the iLiad it can be transferred not only to another computer but also to another iLiad device. If you had a paper you wanted edited, you could make notes on yours, transfer it to someone else’s so they could make notes and comments and give it back to you.

Because the iLiad screen is equipped with Wacom Penabled technology, you can use the stylus to make notes, underline, draw and more. This means that you can do things like Sodoku puzzles and crossword puzzles.

The iLiad falls short compared to other eBook readers with its battery life and internal memory. The battery only lasts around 15 hours. Disappointing, especially when compared to other devices that can go for weeks. Also, the iLiad only has 4GB of internal memory, that’s holding dozens of books as opposed to the hundreds and thousands other devices can hold.

The iLiad does not have a dedicated service for providing content. You can get online and create a MyiRex account, but that allows you to make use of the daily delivery service for two newspapers. But you can get RSS feeds on the iLiad.

The iLiad has some really cool “wow” features that we think will probably be the future of eBook readers. However, even though some of the features give user some more flexibility, the lack of storage space, a dedicated content provider and compatibility with some formats gives it a low score in value.


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Hanlin eReader V3
Manufacturer: Tianjin Jinke Electronics Co., LTD
Price: $299
Available? Yes
Specifications:

Dimensions 184mm(L)*120.5mm(W)*9.9mm(H)
Main Display ePaper (E-ink technology)
Storage Internal/SD Card
Memory SDRAM : 32MB, Internal 2M NOR FLASH
Weight 210g
Battery Li-ION 950mAh
I/O A.3.5mm stereo audio jack for earphone, B.USB 1.1 Port, C.SD slot(extendable up to 4GB)
Working Temperature 0ºC to 40ºC
Keeping Temperature -20ºC to 55ºC
Format Support PDF, DOC, WOLF, MP3, HTML, TXT, CHM, FB2, Djvu, PNG, TIF, GIF, BMP, JPG, PPT, EPUB, LIT, PRC, MOBI.
CPU Samsung Arm9 200Mhz
Operating System Linux OS
Accessories USB cable, Charger, User Manual, Earphone

Review:
(Associated Content) The Hanlin Ereader V3 supports a very wide variety of digital book formats, supporting DOC, WOLF, PDF, HTML, TXT and many other file types without the need to convert. However, it has no wireless access so electronic books must be first downloaded to a PC and then transferred to the ebook reader by means of an SD memory card or a USB port. It fulfills its main function as a portable ebook reader quite well, although it lacks many of the additional features available in other wireless reading devices. Overall, this is not a poor quality piece of technology at all, although it lacks any real unique features to make it stand out from the fold
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FLEPia
Manufacturer: Fujitsu
Price: approx. $1,000
Available? Expected April 2009, Japan only
Specifications:

Resolution: 768x1024 (XGA)
Colors: 8 or 4,096 (depending on the mode; 8 colors refresh in 2s; 4,096 colors refresh in 10s)
Size: 210x304x12mm (A4), 158x240x12mm (A5)
Thickness 12mm
Weight: 480g (A4), 320g (A5)
Body colors: White pearl, pink pearl, silver
Features: Touch panel, scroll button, six function buttons
OS: MS Windows CE5.0
Security: AES-128
CPU: Intel XScale
Connectivity: WiFi 802.11b/g
SD Card
USB 2.0
Stereo speaker built-in, head phone connector
Lithium polymer battery with 50 hours runtime

Review:
[Revised](FastCompany) The FLEPia is a full sunlight-visible e-ink device, capable of displaying greyscale and color imagery (with 260,000 colors) on its 8-inch touchscreen, which has 1024 x 768-pixel resolution. There's an SD memory card slot, 802.11 b/g Wi-Fi, Bluetooth 2.0 EDR and it can run for 40 hours from a single charge. It runs Windows CE 5.0, so it can be used for reading e-books, browsing the web, emailing, reading Word, Excel and Powerpoint files, PDFs, TXT files, and JPEG imagery--that means it can also be set into digital picture frame mode.

The device has two major problems. First, the screen refresh rate is an astonishing 1.8 seconds. Although the Kindle's screen update isn't pretty (with that oddly eye-grabbing color-invert) it's at least speedy. Waiting nearly two seconds for the FLEPia to change its display is almost certainly going to get tiresome. Think about reading a physical book--flipping a page takes a fraction of a second to grab it, flip it, hold the book in place and track your eyes to the top of the new page. That's a far cry from the FLEPia's performance. And when in web or email-viewing modes it'll be really annoying. The 1.8 second time is also just for 64 colors, since it rises to 8 seconds for the full 260,000 color range.
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eSlick
Manufacturer: Foxit
Price: $259 introductory (deadline passed), $299 retail.
Available? Preorders sold out; due for April shipping
Specifications:

Screen:6" E Ink® Vizplex screen 600 x 800 pixel resolution, 4-level gray scale
Size: 7.4" x 4.7" x 0.4" (188×118×9.2mm)
Weight: 6.4 ounces (180g) battery included
Color: Black , Gray(Black back), White (Light Gray back)
Connectivity: USB2.0
Operating System: Embedded Linux
Supported Formats:
eBook Formats: PDF, TXT, Any printable document(after converted to PDF using included software)
Sound Formats: MP3
Internal Memory: 128MB
Storage Memory: SD Card (2GB included. Supports up to 4GB)

Expandability: SD card slot
Certification & Regulation: FCC
Controls:Buttons "ON/OFF", "Up ", "Down", "Right ", "Left", "Enter ", "Delete", "Menu", "Music".
Plugs: Euro 2Pin, UK 3Pin, US 2Pin
Battery:Rechargeable Lithium-Battery
Processor:Samsung® S3C2440 ARM 400MHz

Review:
(CNET UK) The device appears to be pretty no-frills--there's no built-in wireless--and seems to be all about viewing PDF files (Foxit makes a PDF converter and viewer, so that's the tie-in). The eSlick uses the same E-ink technology that the Kindle and Sony Readers do and it comes with a 2GB SD card that slips into an expansion slot.

All in all, the concept is a good one. A lot of people don't want to fiddle around with a lot of e-book formats and just want a device that's an excellent PDF reader. We'll see if the eSlick is as slick a PDF reader as it says it is when it's released

EBooks (Vol. 1): Want or Waste of Time?

Riding the trains, sitting in coffee shops with my eReader...I get a lot of lookie-loos, and questions. People are curious about this thing I'm holding - is it a Kindle? Is it an audio book? A netbook? What the hell is this, and do I (meaning they) want one for myself?

So, having had a good month with the Sony - and having had the chance to spend a few days with the Kindle 1, and a hands-on with the Kindle 2 - I figure it'd probably be a good service to clarify just what it is about an eReader that may or may not appeal to you folks out there, based on the types of questions I get.


WHY BOTHER?
Seriously, why do I want/need a dedicated device just for books? I have a desktop, a laptop, a netbook, an iJesus phone...why would I spend $300-$400 on a device just to read books, when all of those other devices will let me read books on them as well? And do more for the price?

You're right, you can absolutely read books on any of those devices you've named, and more. Hell, I used to download ebooks onto my Palm device and read them on planes/trains. So why did I fork over the bucks for a dedicated reading device?

Because I like my eyes.

I spent a couple grand a few years ago to have Lasik surgery, after having spent most of my life wearing glasses. I would very much like to put off, for as long as possible, any eye damage that will naturally occur as old age begins to creep up on me.

Computer screens - LCD screens - while better than the old CRT screens, will (excuse my french) fuck your eyeballs up. Especially as much as we web junkies use them.

Come on; video games, web browsing, chat programs, spreadsheets, documents, text messages, smartphones. We probably spend 10-12 hours a day squinting at LCD screens of some kind. And I'm being conservative with that number. Here's part of a report put out on eye fatigue:

As the amount of technology used in today’s world increases, so do the concerns for health and safety. Numerous persons who utilize computers on a regular basis complain of difficulties with their vision. Scientific research conducted by experts in the field indicate that, though it is common for discomfort and fatigue for the eyes, there is no permanent damage from using computers on a regular basis. There was one study, completed in Japan in 2004, which did however, find an increased risk for myopic (nearsighted) individuals who use computers on a regular basis and an incidence of Glaucoma.

There are many different possible-contributing factors to eye problems related to computer use. They include:

- Using bifocals which are set for a typical reading distance of sixteen inches, and where computer monitors are usually further away than sixteen inches.
- The set distance of the computer monitor causing the worker to focus on one specific distance for a long period of time.
- The fact that information on a computer monitor is brightest in the middle then fades out, as it gets closer to the edge. This causes the eyes to overwork to compensate and can result in strain to the eyes.
- Prolonged use of the computer without adequate breaks, causing increased stress and strain to the eyes.
- Inadequate or improper placement and/or use of lighting. (glares too much or is too dark).

Isn't this just another LCD device, and won't it still damage your eyes?

Wrong!

See, the reason for the price on these readers isn't the newness of the devices - ebooks have been around the consumer market since the '90s, and ereaders have been available for a good 4-5 years now. No, the price is related to the technology being used: e-ink.

Readers such as the Kindle (which right now is the most popular, but I'll go into detail later about the different devices out there) DO NOT use LCD screens, and therefore cause considerably less eye strain on their own. There's no backlight, the screen technology is designed to be no more of a strain on the eyes than reading a paper book.


E-ink...in simplistic terms, is like looking at a very, very good Etch-A-Sketch. It rearranges a display of charged particles using an electrical field, essentially "pushing" the charged particles to the top of the special "paper" holding them and forming images based on what the electrical impulses tell them to do.

Think of it in terms of those old gimmick desk toys you'd seen, where you stuck your hand into an open block of thin, metal rods; the rods would push outward with your hand, and form a three-dimensional image of your hand with those rods.

A very similar principal is at work here. The device electronically reads what the text is supposed to look like, and pushes the particles up to the top of the display sheet in the proper configuration where you can see it - in the form of text, or pictures. When you turn the page it wipes the board clean, and does it all again.

The advantages of this?

- no screen flicker on display;
- no glare from a lighted display;
- less reflection from ambient outside light;
- significant battery savings


How much does this save in battery life?

Like you can't imagine. An LCD screen draws on it's power supply to keep it active. An e-ink display...doesn't. Once the screen is drawn, it takes NO power to keep the image on the screen.

I've had my Sony for just about a month. I've charged it...twice. In that time I've read 11 full-length books and several newspaper RSS feeds. I use it DAILY, on my commute to and from work, and will sit and read on the weekends.

And I've charged it twice in that time. At neither time was it at the halfway mark for battery life.

If I didn't touch my phone AT ALL for the same amount of time, I'd come back and find it completely dead.

Okay, but at the end of the day - this is still just a $300 book.

Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, people looked at the iPod and thought: puh-leeze, this is just a $400 device to hold music. It had a mere monochrome 160 x 128 LCD, 32MB of RAM and 5G of storage. The iPod didn't know how to work with Windows, was FireWire-only at first, and only sold 125,000 units in its first two months. They didn't see its potential.

Ebook readers are in that stage of development. And they can already do so much more than people give them credit for. Don't think of this as a device to read a book with; think of it as a device to STORE your books. Your entire LIBRARY of books. Right now, with a mere 512mb storage card in it, my Sony reader has 80 books and 3 newspapers in storage. Understand that: 80 full-length books. That I can access at any time, anywhere I am. The devices have built-in mp3 capacity, so I could use it to listen to music while I read. It can store photos. Some have limited web browsing capability. Others have note-taking ability, touch-screen technology, dictionary lookups... Imagine if you had this, in college, instead of your backpack filled with 10lb books. You could carry an entire semester's textbook needs, in your coat pocket.

Granted, but: a black and white display? Seriously?


I say again: early stages of development. Color readers are out there, but because of the way the technology works it's cost-prohibitive for the consumer market. Right now. Give it a few years, you'll see that change - and it'll open up a whole new market for readers: magazines, graphic novels, comic books.

I'm still not completely convinced...

At the end of the day, it comes down to this: do you read a lot of books, whether for pleasure, work, or school? Do you read more than 2 books a month? Are you comfortable using technology?

If you can answer yes to these...then yes, an ereader is very likely something you'd like. And we'll chat more later on the specifics of what's out there, what their differences are, and where you can get books to download onto them.

If you've answered no, then let's face it - you're not really into books, are you? So this would be a total waste of your money. It's what a graphic tablet is to an artist; if you don't spend a lot of time doing computer art, what's the point of owning one?

More later.

iCult of iPersonality

Apple is evil.

I've said it again. And again. And again. But still you people refuse to believe me; you rush out, blindly buying these sterile devices devoid of personality - but you're tricked into believing that owning one will somehow enhance yours, and since everyone else has one...why be the one not owning the popular new gadget?

Well, Apple fans, your holy church is showing their true colors.

The new Shuffle has...no controls on it. It's a plain white stick, with a headphone plug. The controls are on the headphones, not the device.

Sounds cool, doesn't it? And look how tiny it is! Ubertech!

Here's the catch. There's an authentication chip inside the new Shuffle. So only those headphones programmed to work with the chip, will work on your Shuffle.

Yes, that's right true believers. Those $90 earbuds you've come to love so much? Useless, if you buy the Shuffle. You may as well stuff cotton swabs in your ears, you'll get more sound out of them.

Think about how this works: Apple, as most people are aware, makes pretty crappy headphones that come with their devices. No one actually uses the headphones that come with it, they go out and buy their own. Life is good.

Company A, we'll call them...SoNi...makes headphones. Their headphones are actually pretty good. You like your SoNi headphones. You also (since you, too, are drinking the red Kool-aid) like the new iPod Shuffle, and would love to use the very expensive SoNi headphones you already own.

You can't.

SoNi, in order to make new headphones for the Shuffle...must pay a licensing fee to Apple. Which will raise the price of their headphones.

Which will make you think twice about buying a new pair. Instead, you'll stick with the ones Apple sent you.

SoNi a) is paying money to Apple to make headphones that b) no one will buy, leading to SoNi losing money. Because of this, they can't put more money into their competing MP3 players. Which means even more people buy Apple.

This is what we call evil, folks. With a capital E.

And you, you'll all just keep on buying those fruit-logo'd products, won't you?

Is it any coincidence that the Shuffle is how Zombies move?

Resistance is futile.

Fembots Are Closer Than You Think

First: I know some of you out there aren't getting the "fembot" reference. Damn kiddies. Waaaaay back in the days of analog television, there was a show called the Bionic Woman; in one two-part episode, she fought a series of female robots (androids) called the Fembots.

I've been making sexbot jokes for a while now, but...are they really jokes? Last week, we had the robot who was taught to love (and, not coincidently, went crazy).
Well, that was then. This is now.

TSUKUBA (Japan) - JAPANESE researchers on Monday showed off a robot that will soon strut her stuff down a Tokyo catwalk.
The girlie-faced humanoid with slightly oversized eyes, a tiny nose and a shoulder length hair-do boasts 42 motion motors programmed to mimic the movements of flesh-and-blood fashion models.

'Hello everybody, I am cybernetic human HRP-4C,' said the futuristic fashionista, opening her media premiere at the National Institute of Advanced Industrial Science and Technology outside Tokyo.

The fashion-bot is 158 centimetres tall, the average height of Japanese women aged 19 to 29, but weighs in at a waif-like 43 kilograms - including batteries. She has a manga-inspired human face but a silver metallic body.

'If we had made the robot too similar to a real human, it would have been uncanny,' said one of the inventors, humanoid research leader Shuji Kajita.

'We have deliberately leaned toward an anime style.' The institute said the robot 'has been developed mainly for use in the entertainment industry' but is not for sale at the moment.

Let's...stop it right there, shall we? "We have deliberately leaned towards an anime style"..."has been developed for...the entertainment industry".

Helllloooo?! Am I the only one seeing where this is leaning?

The Japanese have been working on female bots for a while now. A Michigan lab is working on a robot hand that can do breast exams, and a Japanese cosmetics company has been developing a "soft, human-like skin"...for unknown purposes. Because we need our industrial robots to be nice and soft to the touch, I guess.

Combine all of this and what do we get? A robot taught to love...sensitive enough to fondle genitalia...has oh-so-soft skin...can speak...and looks like an anime doll.

Sexbot. Sexbot. Sexbot. You people should be ashamed of yourselves. ASHAMED!

...now, where do I send the money to?

Literary Logjam

I'm stumped.


A few weeks back I up and bought myself a Sony Reader; I won't get into the details of why the Reader over the Kindle, except to say I like my expensive tech to look like it came from THIS decade, not 20 years earlier.

I'm a book junkie, and love to read; my biggest concerns were where to store the books I was done with, and when I finished a book on the way to work should I buy another one to pick up for the ride home?

I remember being in a bookstore once with a friend, and she pointed at these two bookends and said "that's you." I looked, and they depicted a small dragon crouched on a desk, with its nose buried in the book. I asked why, in particular, she said that reminded her of me. She replied: "It looks like he's inhaling the books, not reading them. That's how you read, you breathe them in and you're done."

I read a little fast. Sue me.

Anyway, none of this per se is my dilemna. Where I'm stuck is in deciding what books to download onto my Reader. See, Sony decided to run a promo where, if you bought a Reader by a certain date you'd receive, from their ebook store, 100 free classic titles. I emphasize, free.

A virtual smorgasborg, right? A literary cornucopia, every reader's dream.

Be careful what you wish for.

Oh at first it seemed so EASY! Without hesitation, I checked off: Frankenstein, Dracula, the Iliad, the Odyssey; the collected works of Edgar Allan Poe. 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, the Count of Monte Cristo, The Divine Comedy, Dr Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde. 26 great classics in all, so far.

...but now, I'm stuck.

There are over 900 classics to choose from, and now I'm not sure which ones I'd want to own. I don't want to just grab books I'll never re-read, or reference. I can dig up Shakespeare for free online at any time, so do I NEED to own copies of his works? Will I ever want to read Moby Dick again? I should own Mark Twain, but will that be at the expense of Leo Tolstoy? Herman Melville? Jonathan Swift? Charles Dickens? George Bernard Shaw?

ARRRRGH!

And in this, my friends, lies the fatal flaw of the ebook. I can own as many bourgeois books as I want...and no one would ever SEE them. So if they're not being owned for my reading pleasure, do I need to own them at all?

Certain books are meant to be put on a library shelf, only brought down and dusted off in the presence of company. It loses the flavor if you're simply handing over a thin device and saying "See index 3.14, header G". You can't pass on an ebook to a friend, a confidant, a child who needs a copy for a book report.

Classics are...well, classic. They deserve to be treated with love and respect, shelved and ignored for decades until, long after your death, some younger relative going through your most sacred possessions will pull down that ancient tome you've hoarded, carefully wipe the accumulated dust from the title, and whisper to herself:

"...wow, I can probably get twenty bucks for this on ebay!"

The Future is Now

As much of a technology whore that I am, very few things make me sit up and beg for more. Sure, I get all giddy about the Palm Pre - but that's because a) I'm a Palm junkie, and b) I'm anti-Apple, so I'd very much like this to be the true challenger to the iPhone. I own a Sony Reader, but it's a convenience thing. They interest me, perhaps even excite me - but I don't look at it and go "holy shit, that's awesome!"

I may have found the tech that does that to me.

As a point of reference, I'm sure you've all seen the movie Minority Report with Tom "Krazy-Ass" Cruise. I'm specifically referring to the scenes where he's using his hands to manipulate icons on a virtual computer screen. There was a similar tech in the syndicated tv show "Earth: Final Conflict" (geeks, represent!) It's a technology we all dream about seeing "one day", but honestly don't believe we're there yet.

Well...if we're not there, we're frighteningly close.

The following video is a demo of tech created at MIT and still being developed. They're calling it a Sixth Sense technology - tech that uses a projector and a camera to pick up information about items around you, process that information, and then project data back for you to view/manipulate.

It's virtual, in reality.

I admit, talking about is very ho-hum-yawn. But you absolutely MUST see it in action to fully appreciate it. There's a scene in the demo video where the guy wants to know what time it is, so he uses his finger to draw a circle on his wrist - and the device projects a clockface onto his wrist, with the current time! He picks up a book in a brick-and-mortar bookstore, and the device reads the cover, goes out to Amazon, grabs the user ratings for the book and starts displaying it - right onto the book itself, for you to see.

It's an incredible concept, if this ever comes to market and is scaled down to a device that's a little less awkward-looking. If it could be packaged in something the size of a bluetooth headset for your ear...

Really, the future would BE now.

Watch the video. Skip ahead to about minute 3:10, when the cool demo's start if you don't want to hear the explanations on how it works.

Computer Love

A few days ago, I made a computer love joke to someone who, using their fresh-out-of-the-box Amazon Kindle 2, decided to test the text to speech feature by having it read from a romance novel. The results were...sterile, to say the least. She compared the voice to - she being slightly younger than me - a video game, Portal, and the psychopathic female computer in the game. I - being wiser and more worldly - referenced an 80s R&B pair, Zapp & Roger, and their hit song "Computer Love".

Which of course is what immediately came to mind when I found out a robot in Japan decided to go all stalker-ish on a researcher - trapping her in the office for hours, refusing to let her leave. I shit you not, true believers; read on.

Kyoto, JP -3 March 2009- Staff. Researchers at Toshiba’s Akimu Robotic Research Institute were thrilled ten months ago when they successfully programmed Kenji, a third generation humanoid robot, to convincingly emulate certain human emotions. At the time, they even claimed that Kenji was capable of the robot equivalent of love.

(Okay, let's stop here for a second. I need to digest this part. They programmed a computer...to love. Humans have been trying to figure out how to define love for...well, since existance began. Yet, magically, these repressed nerds, um, scientists, have broken it down to a algorithm?! WTF? Frankenstein, much?)

Now, however, they fear that his programming has taken an extreme turn for the worst.
(well durr...!)

“Initially, we were thrilled to see a bit of our soul come alive in this so called ‘machine,’” said Dr. Akito Takahashi, the principal investigator on the project. “This was really the final step for us in one of the fundamentals of the singularity.”

Kenji was part of an experiment involving several robots loaded with custom software designed to let them react emotionally to external stimuli. After some limited environmental conditioning, Kenji first demonstrated love by bonding with a a stuffed doll in his enclosure, which he would embrace for hours at a time. He would then make simple, but insistent, inquiries about the doll if it were out of sight. Researchers attributed this behavior to his programmed qualities of devotion and empathy and called the experiment a success.

What they didn’t count on were the effects of several months of self-iteration within the complex machine-learning code which gave Kenji his initial tenderness. As of last week, Kenji’s love for the doll, and indeed anybody he sets his ‘eyes’ on, is so intense that Dr. Takahashi and his team now fear to show him to outsiders.

The trouble all started when a young female intern isn't it ALWAYS the young, female interns? Vindication, Bill Clinton!) began to spend several hours each day with Kenji, testing his systems and loading new software routines. When it came time to leave one evening, however, Kenji refused to let her out of his lab enclosure and used his bulky mechanical body to block her exit and hug her repeatedly. The intern was only able to escape after she had frantically phoned two senior staff members to come and temporarily de-activate Kenji.

“Despite our initial enthusiasm, it has become clear that Kenji’s impulses and behavior are not entirely rational or genuine,” conceded Dr. Takahashi.

Ever since that incident, each time Kenji is re-activated, he instantaneously bonds with the first technician to meet his gaze and rushes to embrace them with his two 100kg hydraulic arms. (so...he's an overweight socially inept techno-organic/geek, who thinks every woman he sees he's in love with and is too mentally unstable to interact with them properly? Does the robot play Worlds of Warcraft and live in his mother's basement too?)

Dr. Takahashi admits that they will more than likely have to decommission Kenji permanently, but he’s optimistic about one day succeeding where Kenji failed.

“This is only a minor setback. I have full faith that we will one day live side by side with, and eventually love and be loved by, robots,” he said.

Does this all sound...oddly familiar? 2004. Will Smith. I, Robot:

Detective Del Spooner: I think you murdered him because he was teaching you to simulate emotions and things got out of control.
Sonny: I did not murder him.
Detective Del Spooner: But emotions don't seem like a very useful simulation for a robot.
Sonny: [getting angry] I did not murder him.
Detective Del Spooner: Hell, I don't want my toaster or my vacuum cleaner appearing emotional...
Sonny: [Hitting table with his fists] I did not murder him!

I have a few questions, for the lab in Kyoto:

1) Why, exactly, are you trying to program a robot to love? In this Rosie the Robot lookalike, is the goal to create robotic au pairs? Is Technonanny going to become the babysitter of the future? Let's be real: that's what you tell the investors. But really your next research project is how to make a robot's skin feel like real flesh. I saw that episode of Buffy too you perv, and that sexbot didn't fare too well in the end either.

2) How, exactly, is this robot stopping the woman from leaving the lab? I'm assuming there's a decent sized space here. Every robot I've seen, including Asimo the walking wonder, pretty much moves slower than my Nana with a walker. So why the FUCK did you MORONS apparently build this thing with a turbocharger? Because that's the only explanantion I can come up with, for it being able to stop her from leaving. Is it on tank treads? Maybe a refurbished Segway? What kind of top speed does this thing have?

3) I realize interns are underpaid and, in some cases, not the brightest bulb on the christmas tree. But I have to assume that said robot...had an off switch. Somewhere. A plug. A battery. I mean, seriously - she had to call in two male interns to come save her?! Call me paranoid, but why do I have visions of these two dorks sitting at home on their Macbook, watching everything on video - remotely controlling the robot and giggling like mad at the prospect of rescuing our fair lolita princess?

Seriously folks, this is a bad Hollywood...wait, that's an oxymoron. This is a typical Hollywood horror flick, in real life. Young female intern. Nerd scientist. He makes his move, gets rejected. Is angry. Programs robot to attack intern. Spend next 45 minutes having robot take over lab, young intern running around in the dark slowing losing articles of clothing due to "accidents". Finds the ONE cellphone working, only number she knows/who has access is nerdboy. He shows up, she thinks she's safe, falls asleep...only to wake up in his basement, handcuffed and surrounded by robotic parts - all reaching for her, proclaiming their love.

Cue scream, roll credits.

Hollywood, ya'll got my number. Let's do lunch.

Puff Puff Pass

Okay, so it's been ages. A-GES! I know, and I blame you. Because the alternative would be to blame myself, and we all know I'm completely faultless in this.

So slap yourself, and let's move on, shall we?

I'm a recovering smoker. And I say recovering in the lightest of terms, because I was never really a heavy smoker; I grew up in the household of a heavy pack-a-day smoker (thanks, mom!) - so quitting was pretty much a matter of me saying "okay, I'm done". So it was said, so it was done.

Occasionally, however, I still get the crave. I'd switched years ago to cloves for the flavor, and it *elevated* me over the regular Marlboro smoker. I wasn't just smoking, I was enjoying an after-dinner gaseous apertif. It was practically dessert, it tasted so good.

But I've stopped, and have been regularly ignoring the pack of Djarim Black's sitting on my mantle for the past...8 months. Yay me, clap clap, cue the band.

So, having said all that...what brings me here, to you, in all my literary glory?

E-cigarettes.

Yes, true believers, you have heard me correctly. Electronic cigarettes.

China, you technologically decadent cesspool...I fucking love you. Because this...I mean seriously, this boggles the mind. We've evolved into such a tech culture, that our VICES have migrated into digital. First virtual sex, now electronic smoking? Hell, when can I get my drink on by watching a dvd?

Right now you're going...what the HELL is an electronic cigarette? Well hold your damn horses, and I shall explain.

The Electronic Cigarette or electric cigarette or ecigarette, is a relatively simple device that creates vapor out of a nicotine and propylene glycol liquid. This “mist” acts much like tobacco smoke, allowing long time smokers a safer substitute. Smokers can also start using lower and lower level of nicotine in the cartridges to help ween themselves off of nicotine

.


I should say: this is near-complete bullshit. There is no intent whatsoever to use this device as a way to stop smoking. In fact, the wonderful thing about tiggers here is that, because this is NOT a cigarette and therefore does NOT emit "smoke" in the normal sense...

...you can use them in places where smoking is not allowed.

How. Fuckingly. Awesome. Is. That?

I shit you not, peeps. While many places would love to kick you out on your butt for lighting up (flicking the on switch?), the fact is...legally they can't. The e-cigs DON'T HAVE ANY TOBACCO, and therefore are not illegal under tobacco laws. Hell, you could probably sell them to minors and get away with it!

That won't do you much good when Omar, the club's 300lb bouncer, has his foot up your ass...but it's the PRINCIPAL here, folks.


I haven't yet seen them in person, but I plan on getting one. Because I have to sample this. The tech-head in me demands it, the rebellious creature that lurks much deeper craves it. There's a certain "wow" factor here too, popping one of these things out in a group and listening with sweet satisfaction all of the "ooohs" and "ahhhs" that are inevitable.

I'm sure you're going "But Trickster...they still smell like tobacco, doesn't that still pose a problem?"

People...my loyal subjects...would I even be mentioning this if this wonderful device were so limited? Of course not!

The flavors the cartridges (called Ejuice) come in are: regular tobacco, marlboro, mint, almond, chocolate, cherry, regular, menthol, apple and strawberry.

So it's like dessert, you see? And yes, for all you ex-80's Goths out there...ejuice DOES come in clove flavor as well.

I would like to end this post right here, for all of you regular folk. You should stop here, because you're all good people. Really, I mean it. Stop reading, close your browser. Move along, move along, nothing more to see here. Bye now.
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...as for the rest of you twisted bastards, I want to go a little deeper into analyzing this device. Because what I failed to mention earlier was a little thing that caught my eye in the more detailed description of this gadget. You've come this far of your own accord, despite my warnings not to. So fuck you, and read on.

At one end of the tube, there is the head light connected with one end of the battery. At the other end of the tube, there is the cartridge which has an inhaler connected with the smoking liquid container. At the middle of the tube, there are several important micro-electronic components, such as control circuit, pneumatic airflow sensor switch, vaporizer etc., inside a tube of stainless steel for simulating the smoking. The electronic circuit is connected with the battery at one side, and connected with the pneumatic switch and vaporizer at another side. Inside the vaporizer, there is a heating device, which is connected with the pneumatic switch at one side, and connected with the smoking liquid container at another side.

There is an air flow channel across along the tube. It is easy to use E-CIGARETTE: once you put the battery and the smoking liquid cartridge inside of E-CIGARETTE, you are ready to enjoy your smoking whenever and wherever you want. When you inhale E-CIGARETTE, the pneumatic switch acts under the inhaling pressure of the air flow so that the electronic circuit is on by a magnetic induction, the head of E-CIGARETTE light turns red, and the vaporizer atomizes the smoking liquid in the liquid container. When you stop to inhale E-CIGARETTE, the pneumatic switch is off, so that the electronic circuit stops automatically; and the red light as well as the vaporizer stops also. If the red light of the head becomes darker, it is the time for you to recharge the battery. If the smoke becomes less, you can change the cartridge or add more E-Smoking liquid by putting few E-Smoking liquid drops in the smoking liquid container inside the E-CIGARETTE.

So. It's a tube...where at one end there is a smoking liquid container...and at the other end...an air flow channel...through which you inhale.

Now...I'm not saying what this reminds me of, because I'm a completely innocent soul. I prefer to leave it to your imaginations, to wonder - in those late night moments, surrounded by friends, in a darkly lit basement away from the prying eyes of puritans and authoritative figures...


"Hmm. What an interesting device. I wonder what other uses I could get out of this?"

Such speculation is unseemly, and you should all be thoroughly ashamed of yourselves for even CONSIDERING using this innocent device for nefarious purposes. Shame. Shame on you all.

...but were I YOU, I might look into the uses of hash oil or cannabis oil mixed with the ejuice. Just sayin', is all.



Monkey out.

Man of the Hour

It's been a while since i've graced this site with a few choice words, and to those ofyou who're still listening...my apologies. Life being what it is, I found myself lacking a certain voice; the need to express my thoughts to the world at large had, temporarily, vanished.

However, like the mythical phoenix, my narcissism has been reborn. The fire that birthed this re-entry into the blogosphere?

Occasionally...rarely, an individual comes into the public consciousness that inspires us. Often positively, sometimes negatively, but there is no question that we are forced to *opine* upon their existence. We argue about them, households becoming divided in the intensity of these discussions. We obsess over them, we watch anxiously for scraps dropping from the literary tables, looking to snatch a morsel of information - any information - to sate our appetite for knowledge of this individual, for tidbits and crumbs that serve only to fuel the fires already raging inside of us.

For months now, perhaps longer, there is one individual who has caused such intensity of emotion as to cause the weak to swoon, that has inflamed the outrage of some even as the passions of others have been fanned to inferno proportions.

Yes, you know exactly whom I speak of.

Edward Cullen.

Laugh, did you? As did I, when I first heard of this character. And character he is! For those of you who (a) have been living under a rock, or (b) are not female, Edward Cullen is the protagonist in Stephanie Meyer's young adult "Twilight" series of books, with a motion picture by the same title to be released next week.

Gentlemen. If the woman in your life has not been introduced to this...this...leech...do all within your power to keep her from him. Do not, under any circumstances, let these books take root in her mind and imagination, or - and I say this with the plight of all men in mind - YOU WILL BE DESTROYED.

When a friend first mentioned his name, I made the honest mistake - being male, and of sound mind - of admitting I did not know who he was.

This is a mistake. If confronted with a similar question, do not under any circumstance admit a lack of knowledge. To quote the great playahs of our age:

"Fake it until you make it."

Why, you ask? Very simpe, my friend. Becausr if you profess ignorance of the Great Edward Cullen...she will EDUCATE you.

She will gush. She will swoon. And she will COMPARE him to you, and in that moment, true believer, you will be undone.

Again, you ask: why so? It is, after all, only a character. In a book. He's fake...

Please. I beg of you, do not make that statement to your woman. Or, I suspect, any woman. Because while we, being creatures of logic, can dismiss him as being non-existant, fake, and therefore not a threat...

...to her, he is not fake. He is a Fantasy, and you - I can never, never hope to live up to the ideal that is Edward Cullen.

Cullen, you see, is a teenaged vampire.

A boy, you scoff? Again: do not underestimate his power. Part of his appeal is his youth. He is immortal, forever trapped at a single age.

Whicham incidently, is the peak age of male sexuality.

Do you begin to see now?

Oh it is worse than you think, because there is more in his power that you cannot hope to overcome. Because he, unlike you and I has had over 300 FUCKING YEARS to get his shit together.

Imagine that. 300 years of making mistakes and learning how to correct them. Meaning, 300 years as a young adult, in his prime age, learning the best ways to seduce impressionable teenaged girls.

And you hope to compete, on any level, with that?!

So I encourage you, should these novels arrive in your home: channel your inner Palin. Burn them, and invoke the name of God while doing so.

For all of our sakes.

Got Milk?

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals sent a letter to Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, cofounders of Ben & Jerry's Homemade Inc., urging them to replace cow's milk they use in their ice cream products with human breast milk.

Human. Breast. Milk.

In my ice cream.

The letter specifically reads:

September 23, 2008

Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, Cofounders
Ben & Jerry's Homemade Inc.

Dear Mr. Cohen and Mr. Greenfield,

On behalf of PETA and our more than 2 million members and supporters, I'd like to bring your attention to an innovative new idea from Switzerland that would bring a unique twist to Ben and Jerry's.

Storchen restaurant is set to unveil a menu that includes soups, stews, and sauces made with at least 75 percent breast milk procured from human donors who are paid in exchange for their milk. If Ben and Jerry's replaced the cow's milk in its ice cream with breast milk, your customers-and cows-would reap the benefits.

Using cow's milk for your ice cream is a hazard to your customer's health. Dairy products have been linked to juvenile diabetes, allergies, constipation, obesity, and prostate and ovarian cancer. The late Dr. Benjamin Spock, America's leading authority on child care, spoke out against feeding cow's milk to children, saying it may play a role in anemia, allergies, and juvenile diabetes and in the long term, will set kids up for obesity and heart disease-America's number one cause of death.

Animals will also benefit from the switch to breast milk. Like all mammals, cows only produce milk during and after pregnancy, so to be able to constantly milk them, cows are forcefully impregnated every nine months. After several years of living in filthy conditions and being forced to produce 10 times more milk than they would naturally, their exhausted bodies are turned into hamburgers or ground up for soup.

And of course, the veal industry could not survive without the dairy industry. Because male calves can't produce milk, dairy farmers take them from their mothers immediately after birth and sell them to veal farms, where they endure 14 to17 weeks of torment chained inside a crate so small that they can't even turn around.

The breast is best! Won't you give cows and their babies a break and our health a boost by switching from cow's milk to breast milk in Ben and Jerry's ice cream? Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Tracy Reiman

Executive Vice President

Rather than comment on my feelings about this letter, I decided it would be best if I, on behalf of Messrs. Cohen and Greenfield, responded in kind.

Dear Tracy Reiman,

With specific regards to your letter to the Ben & Jerry Homemade, I felt obligated to respond to the idea of replacing bovine milk used in the making of their ice cream with human milk instead.

While it is an incredibly intriguing concept, I feel that you have quite possibly lost your fucking mind.

Forgetting the absolute silliness of asking a major corporation to replace a food product - which, incidently, human beings have been consuming for as long as mankind has learned to domesticate animals - with HUMAN milk, I would like to address the impracticalities of what you've asked this corporation to do.

You use, as an example, a solitary Swiss restaurant that is paying human volunteers to donate their breast milk so that they can make sauces for their dinner menus. While I believe this is a novel innovation on the part of the Swiss, the fact that you have extrapolated this concept to be used by a corporation that uses more milk in a day than this restaurant would in five years shows your complete and utter (udder?) ignorance and stupidity. Perhaps you should have directed this to the Swiss chocolatiers, as I'm certain you would enjoy milk chocolate made from human breast milk?

Do you intend for this major corporation to then reduce itself to relying on the good graces of female volunteers to fill their milk vats? Perhaps, instead, you envision deprived women in third-world countries lining up by the thousands, on a daily (if not hourly) basis, in order to donate their limited quantities of breast milk such that this corporation can meet their distribution goals?

You voice such concern for the state the cows exist in, and for that you should be applauded. You should, however, be bitch-slapped, several times in fact, for your implied suggestion that while it is deplorable for cows to exist in these conditions, it would be perfectly acceptable for human women to take their place. Perhaps we, as a nation, could enact a mandatory government draft - conscripting women by the thousands, in the name of public consumption - to volunteer for Milk Duty. These women would then spend, say four years of required service at the pumping stations to supply the needed milk for companies such as Ben & Jerry's to survive.

Conversely, as we seem to now be a nation of conquest - as evidenced by our soon-to-be annexation of Iraq, Afghanistan, and in the upcoming years Iran - we could instead enact slave labor camps. As you care only for the state of cows, you may be happy to know that there are very few cows in these countries; we could, instead, relocate our dairy factories to these otherwise useless nations and chain their women to these machines, creating a Nike-like cheap labor that would suit our digestive American needs.

I would not, myself, go so far as to suggest the methods by which these women would remain in a state of pregnancy - which, as you so pointedly noted, would be required in order for the women to consistently produce the milk needed. However, should the need arise I would be more than willing to volunteer my own services in this regards. No payment would be necessary, and travel to remote locations would not be a concern.

Of some concern, however, would be the potential "taint" posed by, shall we say, less sanitary women and the milk they would in turn produce. Perhaps B&J could enter into the drug trade, as I'm certain a large percentage of the women volunteering their services would already be some form of substance abuser. Kill two birds with one stone, as they say; Ben & Jerry Crack Houses could become a new franchise and source of income for the company.

I do have some trepidation; the costs of these enterprises would likely increase the price of ice cream tenfold. However, by putting the label "organic" on each carton, it by default enhances the quality of the product and guarantees the ice cream's inclusion on the shelves of Whole Foods. Price, as we already know from current Whole Food shoppers, would then not be a concern.

As I'm more than certain Ben & Jerry's is strongly considering your suggestion, may I be so bold as to further compliment your idea by proposing names that the company could use, in their new Breast Milk line of ice cream flavors?

Brownie Brown-Eyed Susan
Hazelnut Honkers
Tropical Fruit Melons Medley
Ho-Ho-Hooters
Bouncing Berry Betties
Traffic Light Triple Medley
Around the Globes
Bananas 'n Bongoes

If I may be so bold, I would like to finalize this letter by sending you several mops; by now, after reading this document, your floor must be flooded with the dripping sarcasm it has left. You may also find the wooden handle of the mops very helpful, as the stick you already have up your butt is by now completely splintered by your tight-assedness.

Sincerely,
Eric

Bubbly Goodness

When I was young, there was a candy we all loved (at least, in my Bronx neighborhood we did) called Orbits.

Orbits, for those of you not in the know, were tiny pebble-sized sugar dots that came in a small box for maybe, 10cents. The boxes also came with a straw, the type that they give you with drinks at a bar, so that you could suck up the candy in the box with the straw.

Kids being kids, we all very creatively found a much better use for the candy AND the straw.

Pellet shooting.

I mean let's face it, they were absolutely perfect for this; tiny pellets, spherical, that came with it's own projectile launcher. They SOLD it to us, we'd be remiss if we didn't take full advantage of it. Who needed paper spitballs when you could literally shoot someone's eye out with sugary goodness? It came WITH the pea shooter, for christ's sake! This, to a child's mind, meant it was LEGAL!

When you shot someone with an Orbits pea, it was practically government sanctioned!

I bring this up, because there is a phenomenon that, admittedly, I do not see the appeal to. Not in the normal, sane-member-of-society sense, anyway.


We're talking about bubble tea.

To the typical American who has no idea what the freak I'm talking about, bubble tea is an asian - Taiwanese, to be specific - import that has overwhelmed the chinatown areas of our major cities. The abridged version of the Wiki description is as follows:

The distinctive characteristic of bubble tea is the presence of chewy translucent balls of pearl tapioca (that sit at the bottom of the glass). Cooked, large pearls have a diameter of at least 6 millimeters. The pearls are prepared by boiling for 25 minutes, until they are cooked thoroughly but have not lost pliancy, then cooled for 25 minutes. After cooking they last about 7 hours. The pearls have little taste, and are usually soaked in sugar or honey solutions.

Bubble teas are generally of two distinct types: fruit-flavored teas, and milk teas. However, some shops offer a hybrid "fruit milk tea." Milk teas may use dairy or non-dairy creamers.

The original bubble tea consisted of a hot Taiwanese black tea, brown large pearl tapioca, condensed milk, and honey. As this drink became more popular, variations were created.

Today one can find shops entirely devoted to bubble tea, similar to juice bars of the early 1990s. (They are served with a straw.) The straw may be brightly colored, and is oversize, large enough for sucking up the pearls.

I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this.

So. These drinks come with rounded, tasteless wads of sticky gluten. And a fat straw.

Why am I the only one who seems to see the dangerous applications of this?

I have to tell you...these straws and tapioca balls are perfect for spitballing. Per-fect. I wish they'd had these when I was growing up!

Forget the drinks they come with; I could pour snapple over beheaded gummi bears and come up with the same flavor. The draw, to me anyway, are the wonderous projectile applications of these tapioca balls! Why aren't there more kids being suspended or given detention in school for having bubble tea wars?

What the hell is wrong with kids today?! I've personally tested these, many times, and I have to tell you - with the size of the straw and the rounded consistency of the tapioca, you can achieve considerable range. And we have the added bonus of the stickiness of the tapioca upon impact.

Walking with a friend who *snort* actually buys them to DRINK (!), she didn't believe me on the range and accuracy of these pudding dots. I then fired off a round or two at the stop sign across the street, smiling satisfactorily at the metallic *ping* that followed each.

I'm sure she was impressed. Really.

We decided, in the interest of science, to continue to prove this theory and found multiple targets for me to practice my sharpshooting (sharpspitting?)

In hindsight, I did consider that perhaps defacing public property was not the brightest move. Doing so by the Department of Corrections and the Chinatown prison, possibly even less brilliant. Fortunately we came to this conclusion before any police could watch our demonstration.

She did manage to get off a shot of our handiwork before we ran for the hills.

Checkpoint Charlie

After dropping Deli home tonight I figure hey, it's 7:30 - i've got enough time to make it home in time to drool over Felicia Day on "House", and I won't even need to kick in the hyperdrive engines.

Of course, this didn't take into account the U.N.

The fuckers.

A 20-25 min drive turned into nearly an hour, thanks to the single-lane checkpoint the NYPD has set up along the FDR.

This kaleidoscope of color you see isn't xmas come early - this is the highway as I sat in it, cursing myself for not crossing to the west side before heading uptown.

And what draconian procedure do the cars have to endure, as they reach the checkpoint?

I stopped. They shone a flashlight in my face. Then waved me on.

WTF?!

Was the flashlight some star trekkian genetic scan, some futuristic facial recognition device as yet unheard of by the general public? What purpose did that serve?

"He's american. Let him through."

It really does beg the question: what would have caused them to pull me aside? Did I need to have bombs in the passenger seat?

Or maybe, things would have been different if i'd been wearing a turban.

Arab IS the new Black, after all. Are Pakistanis going to complain about getting pulled over for DWAs now?

That checkpoint...concerns me. I don't want to return to the Jim Crow days.

Thanks, FDNY

here's the scene this morning as I patiently (hah!) wait for the fire trucks to eave, so I can move my car :(

Worldly Concerns

Bless me father, for I have sinned. It's been nearly two weeks since my last confession.

Blog, confession. Whatever. You get the point.

I can't say why, really; perhaps, as in all things in life, I just needed a slight break. A digital vacation, a literary getway. There have been so many things to talk about, things of great import - the Democratic Convention, McCain's Vice Presidential choice, the US Open, the hurricanes, the start of the NFL season. My brain is stuffed near to brim with all of the possible topics; how, I ask myself, do I start my first day back on the blog? What topic could I choose, from amongst so many?

Cat poo coffee.

Yes, you heard me. Coffee, from cat poo.

Perhaps I exaggerate. Slightly. But not by much.

It's called Kopi Luwak, and is coffee made from coffee berries which have been eaten by and passed through the digestive tract of the Asian Palm Civet.

The civets eat the berries, but the beans inside pass through their system undigested. This process takes place on the islands of Sumatra, Java and Sulawesi in the Indonesian Archipelago, in the Philippines (where the product is called Kape Alamid) and in East Timor (locally called kafé-laku).

The inner bean of the berry is not digested, but it has been proposed that enzymes in the stomach of the civet add to the coffee's flavor by breaking down the proteins that give coffee its bitter taste. The beans are defecated still covered in some inner layers of the berry. The beans are washed, and given only a light roast so as to not destroy the complex flavors that develop through the process. Some sources claim that the beans may be regurgitated instead of defecated.

Now...as eager as you obviously are to rush out and get your freshly shat pound of coffee, consider this. Kopi Luwak is the most expensive coffee in the world, selling for between $120 and $600 USD per pound.

Can I get a collective WTF, hallelujah and amen?

Seriously. WTF? W-T-F?! Why is shit-flavored coffee more expensive than others? Insanely more expensive?

...you know, in retrospect, I guess it makes a certain amount of sense. I mean, let's face it - you're gonna have to pay me a shitload (pun intended) of cash to chase after a nasty little bugger that looks like a raccoon, dig through it's feces looking for berries, to turn into coffee. Cuz that's not exactly a job that's gonna bring in the ladies, 'knamean?

But consider this question, which naturally popped into my head.

How, exactly, did this whole enterprise get started?

Think about this for a second. Some guy in kuala lumpur, wandering through the jungle, steps in some cat shit and, as he's wiping it off with a handy leaf, discovers coffee berries.

This guy, being of obviously sound body and mind, then popped said berries into his mouth. And oh-boy oh-boy, what a taste sensation THAT was!

Fast forward, and now he's living in a giant plantation house with a backyard pen full of these nasty little weasels. All they get to eat are coffee berries, which incidently probably makes them fairly exciteable little things. Which may also be why the coffee is so expensive, because fuck YOU if you think I'm going in a pen full of weasel-cats hopped up on caffine and NOT get paid a ton of cash.

Now...forgetting the fact that someone came up with this shit of an idea.

Someone had to actually BUY these beans from him, KNOWING it came out of a civet's ass. And did so eagerly.

In light of this, Governor Palin calling Obama a Sambo just doesn't seem all that staggering, does it?