iCult of iPersonality

Apple is evil.

I've said it again. And again. And again. But still you people refuse to believe me; you rush out, blindly buying these sterile devices devoid of personality - but you're tricked into believing that owning one will somehow enhance yours, and since everyone else has one...why be the one not owning the popular new gadget?

Well, Apple fans, your holy church is showing their true colors.

The new Shuffle has...no controls on it. It's a plain white stick, with a headphone plug. The controls are on the headphones, not the device.

Sounds cool, doesn't it? And look how tiny it is! Ubertech!

Here's the catch. There's an authentication chip inside the new Shuffle. So only those headphones programmed to work with the chip, will work on your Shuffle.

Yes, that's right true believers. Those $90 earbuds you've come to love so much? Useless, if you buy the Shuffle. You may as well stuff cotton swabs in your ears, you'll get more sound out of them.

Think about how this works: Apple, as most people are aware, makes pretty crappy headphones that come with their devices. No one actually uses the headphones that come with it, they go out and buy their own. Life is good.

Company A, we'll call them...SoNi...makes headphones. Their headphones are actually pretty good. You like your SoNi headphones. You also (since you, too, are drinking the red Kool-aid) like the new iPod Shuffle, and would love to use the very expensive SoNi headphones you already own.

You can't.

SoNi, in order to make new headphones for the Shuffle...must pay a licensing fee to Apple. Which will raise the price of their headphones.

Which will make you think twice about buying a new pair. Instead, you'll stick with the ones Apple sent you.

SoNi a) is paying money to Apple to make headphones that b) no one will buy, leading to SoNi losing money. Because of this, they can't put more money into their competing MP3 players. Which means even more people buy Apple.

This is what we call evil, folks. With a capital E.

And you, you'll all just keep on buying those fruit-logo'd products, won't you?

Is it any coincidence that the Shuffle is how Zombies move?

Resistance is futile.