Horoscopes 19th-25th : Chariots of the Gods
The Baron knows how you like to roll during the summer months: slow, with the top down and the stereo up loud. It is no coincidence, as the Sign that begins Summer, Cancer, is represented in the Tarot with the only vehicle in the whole deck- VII The Chariot. This week, in recognition of the Sun moving into Cancer, Baron grants everyone their summer-time dream vehicle.
Aries: Its a FUCKING TANK!
Aries, your vehicle of choice is a FUCKING TANK. Though completely illegal and hardly road worthy, its a FUCKING TANK, so who cares? Not armed only with the standard cannon and machine-gun, Aries, your summer tank comes complete with crowd-control flame-thrower. And air conditioning.
Taurus: Slow Ride
Taurus, your vehicle combines your love of nature with your sedentary nature. Thats right, its the 4x4 off road couch! A plush leather couch with monster truck wheels, the off-road couch is a marvel of design. Huge wheels and extravagant suspension guarantee that nothing gets in the way of your lazy day. The Off-Road Couch casually drives over speed bumps, other cars, and crowds without so much as a single jolt. Now thats convenience.
Gemini: Noise Complaint
You get the classic motor-cycle with side-car for your evil twin. Not only does your sweet ride feature seating for two, it also has a loudspeaker system capable of breaking windows 3 blocks away. You and your evil/good twin will have an intercom system built into your helmets which links back to the speaker system, spreading your brilliant back and forth far and wide. Yes, the rest of the Zodiac will be grateful indeed.
Cancer: Bullet Proof Safety
Cancer, your Chariot of choice is the latest in the Hummer series. Surpassing both the classic Hummer and the even the stretch limo hummer, the Hummer Mini-Van is truly a miracle of converted military engineering. There has never been a civilian vehicle so safe in the history of humankind. If you need to take the kids to soccer practice in the middle of Baghdad, consider it a problem solved. The Hummer mini-van is also ideal for driving the band between gigs, and general armor plated adventuring. Youve never been so safe!
Leo: Solar Whip
Hail, mighty Leo. This summer your sick whip will be sure to outshine everyone elses, because your ride will be the Chariot of the Sun-God himself. Flaming horses will tow you down the street at a slow enough pace for people to soak in your full solar glory. They will, of course, burst into flame, but thats their problem. Comes complete with flattering Sun-God/dess Toga.
Virgo: Tow-Truck
Virgo, yours is the sign of service, and its more important that your vehicle be helpful than look cool. In honor of your humility, the Baron has granted you an old, beat-up tow-truck. Cool! You can use the tow-truck to help other people with their much nicer cars troubles. Awesome! Not only can you help other people with their problems, on the way youll get plenty of practice refining your automotive expertise by having to repair your own rundown wreck of a car. Youll save the both the world and yourself. Youre so helpful.
Libra: Classic
Libra, this summer youll be taken from engagement to classy engagement in a lovely Victorian carriage. Trailing cans on strings, its always a good time to be Just Married in your classic enclosed carriage. Sit back, relax, and sip your drink while your costumed driver whips your steeds into a brisk trot.
Scorpio: The Bat-Mobile
Yes Scorpio, this summer youll be sneaking through the streets with the Batmobile. Youll pierce the night like black sunshine whenever your symbols stains the sky. But during the daytime, youll stick out like a sore thumb. Theres nothing stealthy about driving a jet black bat-car with a jet engine down Main Street. Also, nothing screams insecurity like driving around a big black cock.
Sagittarius: If This Trailers A Rockin
Sagittarius, being half-horse, you are your own vehicle. A shiny new set of horse-shoes is all you need to be street-worthy. But youre getting so much more. This summer, the Barons giving you a trailer to tow behind you. Your customized U-Haul Trailer will have room for all of your possessions, in case you decide to leave town unexpectedly, and a dirty mattress covered with Spider-man sheets for on the go amore. Yes, Sagittarius, with your shiny new trailer, youre a mobile party-on-the-go.
Capricorn: Siege Tower
Thats right Capricorn, crank up the volume, because this summer youre getting your very own Siege Tower! At 10 stories, the Siege Towerumtowers over the competition. The Siege Tower is also fuel efficient, running on slave labor rather than the those eco-unfriendly gasoline engines. Not only that, but it also comes with its own catapult and ballista with trained crews. No castle or stop light can stand in your way when youre rolling in the Siege Tower.
Aquarius: Amazing Made-Up Technology
It doesnt matter what model you want, Aquarius, the Baron is determined to pimp your ride Back To The Future style. Using amazing made-up technology, your car will gain the ability to travel through the space-time continuum, depositing you in situations that will validate your feelings of being an outsider. Impress primitives from the stone age, mess up time lines, and become your own grandpa. Its the kind of vehicle that takes you to the places you want to go, and its all yours, Aquarius.
Pisces: Pope-Mobile
Pisces, its your divine right. Its the reward for all of your seemingly meaningless suffering. Its the Pope-Mobile. Bullet-proof, holy, and ready to roll, your very own Pope-Mobile puts you at the very top of the religious hierarchy. What better way to let the faithful adore their savior than to showcase your piety on the bullet-proof stage of the Pope-mobile?
Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes into you with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes.
Copyright 2006 ABYSSAL EPISTLES
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