Dumb Ways to Get Dumped

I want it said, on the record, that I absolutely despise all self-help books, motivational tapes, and how-to lists. They're stupid and unnecessary, doing little more than telling you what you already know but are too chickenshit or imbecilic to admit to yourself - so you pay someone else money to tell you what your mother, best friend or the bum on the street will tell you for free.

Now having said that, I stumbled across a moronic list on AskMen.com: six ways to get yourself dumped.

?!?!?!

Who came up with this? Are they that bored? How much of a spineless nothing do you have to be, to need a list of ways to get your girlfriend/spouse/whatever to dump your sorry ass? I'm betting she's already considering it, if you're the type of guy who needs this list.

Here are the ways these geniuses have come up with for you to get the final boot up your ass:

Step 1- Be ultra-noncommittal
Step 2- Be depressing
Step 3- Stop being affectionate
Step 4- Be inconsiderate
Step 5- Tell her you don't believe in marriage
Step 6- Disagree, all the time, about everything

Now...why in the hell would I want to put myself through all the drama that these steps will provide?

Be depressing? Why, so she'll feel guilty for leaving you and stick around to try to fix you? Tell her you don't believe in marriage? Oh sure, cuz that trick's never been tried before. Disagree all the time? Newsflash - that happens even in healthy relationships.

This list sucks. You want to get dumped? Here are the Trickster's top ways to get this done, quickly and efficiently:

#1: Flirt with her sister/best friend/mother in front of her
This is a guaranteed way to get kicked to the curb. And as a bonus, you might actually get laid in the process.

#2: Tell her you've been cheating on her, and you'd like an open relationship
She'll outrace the Road Runner trying to get away from your STD-riddled ass. And as a bonus, she might decide it's a good idea - so you get to have your cake and eat it too.

#3: Tell her you're interested in a threesome with her sister/mother/best friend.
Oh boy, will she be pissed and decide you're about as worthless as a used tampon. And again, as a bonus...

#4: Tell her you're not in the mood, because she's not that good a lay.
This one might involve some violence, but by the time the pain on your cheek from the bitch-slap she just gave you goes away she'll be out the door.

Now all of these involve drama to some extent - but it's short-term drama, not that long-term crap from the AskMen list. I can't help but wonder if that list was actually created by women. Or gay men, which amounts to the same thing.

It's the KISS principle. Keep it simple, stupid.