Klatuu, Verata..um...Necktie?

Holy walking corpses, Batman, I'm in hog heaven over this one (thanks, Tammy!)

This is a true article, folks. Straight from the BBC news herself:

Cambodian Troops Quarantine Quan'sul

There has been a small outbreak of “zombism” in a small town near the border of Laos in North-Eastern Cambodia.

The culprit was discovered to be mosquitoes native to that region carrying a new strain of Malaria which thus far has a 100 percent mortality rate and kills victims in fewer than 2 days.

After death, this parasite is able to restart the heart of its victim for up to two hours after the initial demise of the person where the individual behaves in extremely violent ways from what is believed to be a combination of brain damage and a chemical released into blood during “resurrection.”

Cambodian officials say that the outbreak has been contained and the public has no need to worry.

General Ary Serey had this to say, "We have obtained samples of this new parasite and plan to learn how it starts the heart and other major organs of the deceased. We intend to use this to increase the quality of life for all."

US Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice opposed the plan saying that the Cambodian government holds a great biological weapon and should destroy it immediately. Cambodian officials have yet to comment.

A United Nations team will be dispatched to Cambodia to confirm the safety of biological research in Cambodia.

http://65.127.124.62/south_asia/4483241.stm.htm

What.

The.

FUCK!!!

I don't even know where to begin. I could start on the US wanting the Cambodians to "destroy it immediately", which to me is Condi sitting in a room shouting "Fuck this, we know how it goes down for black folk in zombie flicks! Kill them sumbitches, now!" I could go into the idea of the fucking Cambodians (who are world reknown for their scientific research labs) keeping a sample of this KILLING VIRUS, that has a 100% MORTALITY RATE (for the mathematically challenged, that's a #1 leader spot on the Halo Kill/Death ratio boards), to study.

But we all know what I really want to talk about.

It's a zombie virus, folks. It's Resident Evil 4: Cambodia. It's Night of the Living Loatians. You red-state bastards think we have immigrant problems NOW? Imagine boatloads of zombies from the Pacific Rim coming over, munching on sweetbreads that you USED to call your brain. Which would probably qualify them as sweetbiscuits, but I digress.

The point is: are YOU prepared for a zombie attack? How do you recognize a zombie, anyway?

1) Check their vitals.
If they start munching on your arm while you're checking their pulse, odds are pretty good that they're zombified. Also, you'll find that they have no pulse at all. Which, incidently, you won't either by this point.

2) See if you know them.
Or, more accurately, KNEW them. Because they used to be dead. And now, apparently, they're not. In which case, run. Fast.

3) Give them a food choice.
Hamburger...or brain matter. If they choose the hamburger, you should be reasonably safe. And please, don't substitute tofu for the hamburger meat, because frankly in that scenario I'd probably pick the brain matter too.

Now. You've identified your pursuer as a bonfied Zombie Creature. What do you do?

Personally, I'd go with the shotgun; you can't go wrong with a shotgun. I don't really care what you're fighting - zombie, vampire, werewolf, homunculus (that's a Frankenstein or golem, to you pleebs) - a solid hit with a .10 gauge will put a stop on anything, even if it's only temporary. And in the case with vampires, that additional 3-4 seconds you gain is the difference between you making it INSIDE the church, or leaving fingernail scratches and a bloody smear on the wooden door OUTSIDE for the police to find.

Plus it keeps the bastiches at a distance, and when I'm fighting things that want to eat my brain, I find it particularly helpful to keep them at as much of a distance from me as possible.

However, things happen, ammo runs out - in which case, the weapon of choice is the versatile machete.

Now sure, a survival knife is handier to carry, and an axe - well, you can't beat the heft of an axe. But an axe takes a pretty wide swing, and a survival knife won't pass through a skull. A machete has a nice long blade, good heft, and being able to follow through with the slice means you can keep on hacking until you make it to safety.

Fire. Now fire is your friend, and a zombie will make for some pretty good kindling. Plus, a zombie will still walk around while it's on fire and - GET THIS - burn OTHER zombies! Which, incidently, can also be a downside if you don't plan this ahead of time. Because you're pretty far up the fucking creek if you suddenly find yourself surrounded by a crowd of burning zombies who're insistent on getting one last snack before they turn into charcoal.

On a side note: if you're from Wisconsin. Please, do NOT try to have sex with it. I'm just sayin', cuz it's documented now. You sick fuckers.

But, you ask, what if I get bit?

Well, as history shows us...you're fairly well fucked, ain't ya? But there are options for you:

1) Handgun, .38 or .45
Take a blast to your temple, and no more zombie. I don't recommend a .22, because it's a piece of shit. It'll hurt when the bullet bounces off your skull, and you'll still end up a zombie. And a rifle is too much work; by the time you get it set up, you'll already be craving someone's frontal lobe.

2) Jump
That's right. Jump. Just find a high building, and jump the fuck off. So what if it's scary, at least there's no second guessing. And there won't be enough of you to chase after me, later.

3) Drown yourself
No one thinks about this one much, but consider how many zombies may be walking around the sea bed right now. We've never seen one swim, but we also know they can't die - so waaaay deep down below, fishes are picking tiny little morsels off someone's great-great-great grandfather. The important part of this, of course, is that while you technically haven't destroyed yourself...you're not up here, sipping out of my skull like it's a pina colada. So take a long walk off a short pier, why don't you.

So be prepared, folks; it's the end of the world as we know it. It'll start small; riots in Laos, the army moves in and martial law is declared. Then it'll spread; some infected puddlejumper will make his way to Africa, a couple of tourists on safari there will get bit, they'll take the bug back to Europe...it's 28 Days all over again, so if you're smart you'll get out there on Amazon and grab that Zombie Survival gear

Cuz I'm warning you now, I'm already getting my hand fitted for a chainsaw prosthesis. Buzz buzz, baby.