Scooter Patrol

I remember the very first time I saw a police officer on a bicycle, and I gotta tell ya: I honestly didn't believe there could be anything more emasculating. Cops in biker shorts, wearing bicycle helmets. On bicycles.

Now before you get all huffy, it isn't just me - it's internal to various PDs as well. In Lubbox, Texas - now come on, it's Texas, you don't get more of a manly-man's image than a cowboy cop - here's how they rank the officers in the field, based on their transportation (go look on the website, it's true!):

Patrol Division
They get the cars, which is really convenient for picking up hookers off the street. And they have a really, really big back seat. Also convenient, once you've picked up the hooker and need to find a quiet alley to interrogate her.

K-9
They get SUVs, and dogs. Which again, add in the hooker element and we're selling tickets in Mexico.

Motor Unit
It's ChiPs, cops on motorcycles. The Hells Angels of the police force.

Mounted Patrol
Cops on horses. Akin to Canadian Mounties, and they get just about the same level of respect. Which isn't much.

and then...just a step above the LAST rung, which are Public Service Officers (aka 911 desk jockeys)...are Bike Patrol. The Pedal Police.

I didn't list them that way, folks, the Texas cops did.

So what's the point of all this? I saw an image today that would make the Pedal Police stand up proud, knowing that on the other side of the world are cops more laughable than themselves:


Cops on Segways.

The Chinese Government, in efforts to step up their Summer Olympics anti terrorist operations, are rolling out (pun intended) a series of strategems, including...police troops on Segways.

Now. I don't know about you...but I can totally see the effectiveness of this. Because, were I a notorious bad-ass criminal mastermind and saw a hoard of cops cruising down the streets of Beijing at me (at a top speed of 12.5 mph, roughly twice the speed at which i can walk. Or less than the speed at which I can run)...

...I'd fall down on my ass laughing hysterically, at which point they'd eventually catch up to me as I tried to crawl away and lock me up.

They should broadcast a little Steppenwolf during a scene like this photo, because it would be SO approbo!

Get your motor runnin'
Head out on the highway
Lookin' for adventure
And whatever comes our way
Born, to be wild...i-i-ild!

You know what's next, right?

Cops shredding the rails. Think I'm crazy?



Dude. A donut shop bro? Totally trippy.