Monday, July 14, 2008

Maybe He Wanted To Feed The Homeless With It

I try, very much, not to be critical of the Catholic Church. At least, not as critical as I could be. Which is considerably.

But then something comes along that absolutely boggles my mind at the base stupidity of it all, and I'm left scratching my head wondering - at least in this instance - why this was a big deal at all.
Orange County, FL -- One week after a University of Central Florida student snatched something sacred from church, armed UCF police officers stood guard during Sunday Mass to protect what Catholics call "The Body of Christ."

Minutes before the Mass began, Student Senator Webster Cook returned the Holy Eucharist he was holding hostage in a Ziploc bag ever since smuggling the blessed wafer of bread out of the Catholic Mass service Sunday June 29.

Carol Brinati with the Diocese of Orlando said the Catholic community was "concerned about the possible desecration of the Eucharist," and pleaded for its safe return.

Cook, who was raised Catholic, said he decided to bring the Eucharist home after a church leader tried to physically pry it from his hand. Cook broke Church rules by failing to consume it immediately during communion and then removing it from his mouth once seated.

Cook said he just wanted to show the Eucharist to a friend he brought with questions about Catholicism before consuming it. But outraged Catholics across the globe didn’t believe him and suspected he intended all along to steal the Eucharist and bloggers sent out e-mail messages damning him to Hell.

Cook said some threatened to break into his dorm room to rescue the Eucharist. Brinati said the Diocese of Orlando didn't condone those threats, but was happy Cook had a change of heart and returned it.

"We've been praying about that," she said.


Now...I understand, to some extent that this...no. Never mind. I don't understand, because we're not talking about some holy relic. The kid didn't walk out of the chuch with a golden crucifix under his shirt.

He walked out with a WAFER, that was in his MOUTH.

I can't even make fun of this by calling it a cookie, because calling it a cookie would give it more substance that it does. I've eaten saltine crackers that had more substance. If you took a rice cake, drilled a dollar coin-sized core out of the middle, then SHAVED that tiny cylinder into 10 pieces...you'd have something about the same size as the Eucharist. And just as robust.

When I was young, I went to visit my sister's godmother in Florida. I don't know where, the friggin' Everglades, who cares. All that matters for this tale is that I was dragged off to this woman's church, because all de chillun needs the Lawd's love on Sunday. Even if they get that love kicking and screaming, but I digress.

So here I am in this backwater church, with daddy longlegs squatting in toilet squalls wondering why in the name of Gods are you invading his territory, and suddenly people start getting up and walking to the front. I get shoved into line, so I just follow along not having a clue, but not about to make a scene with all these crazy, over emotional church folk around me giving me the evil (holy?) eye.

I end up at the front, and they kneel - so I kneel. The guy in the robes stands in front of everyone, and puts something on their tongue. I open wide, I let him put this styrofoam thing in my mouth, and done. Then they pass a cup with grape juice, I take the shot, and go back to my seat.

After a few seconds, feeling very uncomfortable and stupid, I turn to this woman and go: "What should I do with this?", peeling the styrofoam from my tongue and holding it up.

Admittedly she did freak a little, but I didn't know why; not like it came with instructions, and the thing was nasty as hell so how was I supposed to know I should eat it? Can't they put a little sugar on it, maybe some cinnamon, jazz it up a little? Sheesh.

So I can sympathize a bit, reading this article.

However. Are you fucking kidding me, with the priest trying to "pry it from his hand"? Seriously? Holy Crazy Psychopriests, Batman, what the hell was wrong with him? Was he possessed? Did the devil make him do it? "The power of Christ compel you!" How did the priest even KNOW what was going on, was he standing guard over the people to make sure they ate it? WTF?! This is some serious Rosemary's Baby shit, folks!

Really, I admit I'd have held out as well. Once it's in my mouth, it's my property bizzatch. If i want to take that damn wafer and turn it into art, I'll damn well do it. I'da beat the Jesus out of that man in his robe just for touching me, I swear to Mary I would have.

Come on, was all this necessary? Someone please explain it to me, because I must be stupid. It's not like the man was drinking from the fountain of holy water (although, to be fair, I'd have PAID to see someone do that!) He took the damn wafer out of his mouth - for whatever reason, let's assume he wasn't really showing his friend - and got jumped for it. For the entire community to start making death threats, for the church to file FUCKING POLICE REPORT...

What's the charge? Possession?

No comments: