Ask the Trickster

My new bi-weekly (or when I feel like doing it) "advice" column. No one actually writes me for advice, fortunately for them; I borrow would-be supplicants from the syndicated column found in my local DAILY NEWSpaper. Not that I'm naming names.

Dear TRICKSTER: I'm a big fan (I read your column every morning on the train to work). I read, but never thought in a million of years I would be writing. I was compelled by Alexis (the 60-year-old divorcee), who not only shares the same interests, but has touched upon what my life is like with women.

I know it's harder for men, but I never thought a woman would have the same "problems." The looks from women and their not wanting to be bothered only leaves me insecure and the feeling of loneliness overwhelms me at times. It's all in the look. Alexis should've met his stare (if she was interested) or at least said something. I would like to be friends (maybe more) with Alexis, if she wouldn't mind being paraded by a 32-year-old gentleman.
— Michael, New York

Dear Michael,
You MILF-hunting hounddog you! Admit it, you're really just writing hoping you'll get a hook-up with the granny, ain't you? Except...you got no game, by your own admission. I mean damn, if you're 32 and having problems picking up a 60yr old woman...I gotta tell ya, buddy, it ain't THEM. Know what I'm saying? The woman is 60, she's allowed to have her doubts about her own sex appeal. You? You're just sad; I'm betting just standing next to you would ruin my personal mojo, so keep your distance!

Look, here's my advice. Take your Zoloff, log onto your usual www.grannysgotgame.com website, keep the lotion and tissues handy and quit stalking the subways. We know you're out there now, buddy, don't make me have to call the cops!

Don't you just feel the love ooooozing off me, people?