When Nature Attacks

I got jumped by a tree today.

It all seemed so innocent, too. Here I was on my way to work this morning, the sun shining down on all this glorious, quickly-melting snow from the night before. The Black-Eyed Peas were blaring in my headphones, and all seemed normal.

Then, from out of the blue, I got pelted with a chunk of snow.

I have to cross through a park on my way to the subway, and lined along the path are...trees. Not a lot, actually, not in this section of the park. Really just one, in the place I happened to be.

One tree, and a large chunk of snow *just happened* to come flying at me. And I say flying, because the tree DOES NOT OVERHANG THE PATH. It's up on a little hill, raised up to the far right.

I stopped and looked up at the tree quizzically. "Did you just throw a snowball at me?" I asked (and yes, I said this aloud. Fuck you.) I chuckled, flipped the tree the bird (fuck you again), and started to walk away. Guess what happened?

Yep. I watched as another chunk of snow "fell" off the tree branches and came coasting ON AN ANGLE at me!

Motherfucking tree.

Which brings to mind another incident I watched, in the same park, about a month ago. Again I was walking to work and on my approach to the park there's a sort of dead-end driving circle; it's a narrow two-way street on my block leading to the park, and the circle allows people to make a u-turn.

There's a police car parked in the circle; probably doing a usual looky-look over the park, it's a good locale for it since you have to walk down some steps to enter the park - they get a good panoramic view of this section of the park.

As I walk closer I notice there's a squirrel, stupidly sitting under the car - in front of the tire. I'm already thinking this is going to get ugly, because I can hear that the car is idling. One step on the gas and we get squirrel pancakes for breakfast, kna'mean?

I guess the squirrel got a clue because he darts out from under the car and onto the sidewalk, beside the car - stops, and looks up at the officer on the passenger side. He's got his window down and looks like he's drinking a cup of coffee, or looking at a clipboard. Preoccupied.

The fucking squirrel attacked him. I shit you not! My jaw dropped as I watched this squirrel leap up at the open window, where the officer's elbow was propped. The cop gets freaked and squeals (SQUEALS!!!), sending the squirrel flying and running into the trees.

I lost it, right then. I couldn't walk, I was laughing so hard. I wanted to feel bad, but his partner was laughing just as badly.

So the next time you're in New York, if you happen to be in Inwood - remember.

Even our squirrels and trees don't take any shit.