Ahem. Anyway. Let's face it, secretly we all think we can give better advice to the people who write in to these columns. "Are you kidding me?" we say, our faces turned up in righteous indignation. "This is what you should have told that numbnut..."
Well. In the interest of feeding my own ego, I've decided to pilfer this certain columnist's pilgrims and offer up a Trickster brand of advice. Which may not exactly be delivered in the friendliest manner, but I guarantee you this much:
It'll make me feel better.
So with little more fanfare...
Ask the Trickster
Dear TRICKSTER:
My father is gaining more and more weight, and I am concerned for his health. Whenever I gently bring up the topic of weight loss, he accuses me of not accepting him, and will not continue the conversation. I am legitimately worried, especially since high blood pressure runs in my family. Are there any steps I can take to make him more active, and less hostile?
--- Damian, Philadelphia, Pa.
Dear Damian,
Sieg Heil! Back off you hellspawn, and quit being a little Adolph. Did you ever stop to think that maybe you're just fixated on your own anorexia, and you're secretly ashamed of the buffalo you have to admit to your friends is your father? Why do I suspect your use of the word "gently" is a metaphor for "constantly"? Quit haranguing your pops; if he wants to veg on the couch sucking the meat off beef ribs and munching on doritos, so be it. You can't force him off his ass, so quit already - he's got to WANT to do it, and it's pretty obvious the fat fuck has no intention of buying a bowflex anytime soon. If I were you, I'd pay more attention to his life insurance policy, know what I'm saying?
Harri...um, Henrietta says:
I have a few ideas for you. Invite your father on outings with you. Start with a short walk in the neighborhood. Give him a workout outfit complete with athletic shoes - maybe a matching set to yours. Sure, it may seem corny, but it will show your interest and devotion to him and to yourself.
Make a lunch date at a healthy restaurant. Recommend a dish that you enjoy...
Oh shut up with this hippie shit! "Give him a workout outfit"!? With a matching set to yours?! Oh my god, kill me now. I can already hear "Jesus Loves me this I know..." playing in the background. God, do you believe the crap you actually dish out? If my adult kid EVER came to me with a matching workout gear I'd bitch slap him and send him out for pizza. Extra cheese, bizzatch!
Dear Harri...Trickster:
I can't stand my boyfriend's friends. I believe that they are a bad influence on him, and I really would rather he stop interacting with them. I know that him leaving his group of friends to please me does not sound like a realistic desire, but I know his friends are involved in troubling things, and I would hate to see my boyfriend get blamed because what they do.
--- Nancy, Baltimore, Md.
Dear Nancy,
Funny that your name is Nancy, because you obviously want your boyfriend to be a little nancy-boy! "I believe they are a bad influence on him" translates to my testosterone-saturated mind as "that's time he should be spending with ME, not them!" You little shrew you. Here's the deal - you may not be ASKING him to leave his friends for you, but you're obviously THINKING it and probably even hinted at it. What "troubling things" are his friends involved in, other than trashing your skanky over-controlling high-maintenance ass every chance they get? Let me guess, I bet you call him every half hour when he's out with the boys, "just to make sure he's okay and when is he coming home?" Here's my advice. Leave him, because otherwise he's going to leave you - and he'll do it once he's found some other chick to bang, cuz let's face it as long as you're dishing out the coochie he's still thinking it's worth listening to your nagging ass if it'll get him some. Once he's found a new honey pot, babe, you're out the door - so you may as well cut the chains you're forging now and move on. Find yourself a meek little sub to dominate and you'll live a happpier life, trust me.
Well. I certainly feel better, don't you?
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