Underworld: Confusion

Spoiler alert. You've been warned.

This second installment of what I'm now hoping to be a two-part series is, by my reckoning, a more story-driven continuation of the first vampire vs. lycan movie. Which you'd think would be an improvement.

Don't get me wrong, the movie didn't suck - but why did I walk away with my brain hurting from trying to understand the convoluted logic?

Here's about the most sense I could make of it. Apparently, the now-dead vampire (dead? he's already dead, what is he now?) Victor was not the first vampire. I'm guessing he was the second.

The first is Marcus, who was buried in the monogrammed sewer grate that the vampire guard conveniently spilled his lifeblood into, effectively giving the now-awakened Marcus the 411 on what's been happening with his coven.

Incidently, folks - a coven is for witches. Not vampires. But I guess they wanted to steer clear of the word "clan", lest the lawyers at White Wolf gear up for Round 2.

Okay whatever. Marcus wakes up, blah blah we find out that he's numero uno, the Alpha, the Big Bang. And his brother William is the first werewolf, the lycans.

Now believe it or not, I'm okay with this. It has a very Romulus/Remus, Cain/Abel kind of feel to it. I can groove on this.

But there's where the logic ends. How did they become lycan and vamp?

They got bitten by a bat, and a wolf, respectively.

This is what we call a What The Fuck moment. Or a WTF.

Not a magic bat, or a magic wolf. No. We don't even get an explanation.

You see, their daddy-o - Alexander (not the Great) - was an Immortal.

What kind of immortal? WE DON'T KNOW! How did he become an immortal? WE DON'T KNOW!

I'm making a leap of faith and assuming he got in with some bad mojo, and the heebie-jeebies passed down to his little rugrats. Somehow. Assuming they were born after. Which makes you wonder what the mamma was. But I digress.

So. Papa was a rolling...immortal. And his kiddies picked up the X-gene, and were bitten by a radioactive bat and a radioactive wolf, and became Batman and Wolverine.

Then Wolverine went off and started biting everything that moved. I guess because he was teething, and couldn't find his favorite chew toy. Bad William! Bad!

Okay so Marcus sits back for...who knows how long. Let boys be boys, I guess he figured; little brother wasn't his responsibility. Not like Daddy was doing anything about it. But then he gets a guilty conscience.

So Marcus goes and finds Victor, who's like 105 years old and on his deathbed. Except he was like some king, or warlord, or vegas casino owner - cuz he's a transylvanian version of a capo, and has an entire army outside his castle waiting around doing nothing. Kind of like Homeland Security.

Anyways. Marcus tells Victor "hey...I'll bite you, make you a really, really old-ass immortal...and you bite your entire army, turn them into slaves who'll follow you into death (hah!), and then you can hunt down my brother and his pups for me."

"But don't hurt him."

Surrrrrree, Marcus. Whatever you say buddy. Now make with the fangs already, cuz I'm seeing that white light thing and I ain't goin' out like that!

Explain this to me, would you folks? Why did he need Victor? Why not just go bite the army himself? I mean, it's what I woulda done. Cut out the middle man. Sheesh. Some people just don't know how to shop.

Okay, jump ahead a billion years or so. Victor kills Selene's family, bites the girl (wouldn't you?), she's part of the family now, blah blah. Marcus is out, William is sealed up like King Tut.

What about Daddy Alexander? He's off playing Captain Nemo. Or Sky Captain in the World of Tomorrow, I couldn't really tell.

Yes Virginia, Daddy's alive. Cuz he IS an immortal. And he's been roaming around with a really high-tech team of uber-ninjas who I shall name the Pooper Scoopers. Cuz that's all they really do.

Whatever.

Needless to say, kids are too much for Daddy. In his dying breath, he has Selene drink of his blood, eat of his flesh, and the way to the kingdom of heaven...

Sorry. She drinks, cuz he's the oldest living immortal. Which, if you think about it, is kind of a dumb statement - cuz is there a dead immortal who's older? And does it matter, even if they are?

She drinks. She becomes...what? Ummm...we don't know. Cuz we don't know what Daddy Alexander is. Except she's stronger, we know that much. Just enough to beat up on Marcus, nice and easy if you pleasy.

Who writes this shit anyway?

I have a theory. Alexander is really a Highlander. And Selene will now have to go around killing all the other vampires and lycans. Why?

Because there can be only one.