The Empress' New Clothes

I've come to believe that no matter what the fashion industry puts out, women will buy and wear.

This is not a rant against women; guys are no different when it comes to electronics. If you gave me a black box with silver/blue metallic trim, a 2" LCD screen, 20 LEDs and a 20gig hard drive I'd buy it and figure out what it does later. So I'm sympathetic, I really am.

I just don't get it.

Case in point. This weekend I got sucker-dragged (you guys know what I'm talking about) into "shoe shopping". By sucker-dragged, I mean "Oh since the movie doesn't start until X, can we go early so I can pick up a Mother's Day gift for my mom?" Women have a knack for doing this, and we men are powerless to resist.

So we go into this store, and I swear I wish I could remember which one it was (because somehow shoe-shopping became just shopping in general, and that meant multiple stores) - its one of those on 34th, somewhere between 8th and 7th avenues in Manhattan. She's bouncing from rack to rack, I'm trying to calculate where she'll end up so I can navigate the shortest path to that section and save myself the zig-zagging, when I notice one particular table that gave me pause.

I guess the theme is nautical this summer; the item on display was definitely maritime in nature, with its blue and white stripes. I'm guessing it was something to wear around the neck, or the waist; who can tell? But I looked, lifted it up - it was vaguely rope-like, with a silver metal clasp at the end of it; there was a buzzing at the back of my neck as I tried to figure out what it could be. Then I got it.

"Hey", I exclaimed. "Why are they selling leashes?"

My friend gives me The Glare. You guys know the one, it's the one you get every time you make fun of women's clothing. Which I get a lot, because it's the only way I can entertain myself in those stores. "It's not a leash" she says, her eyes rolling.

Goddamnit, yes it it! I know a leash when I see a leash, and this is a leash! A short one, granted...but still a leash!

I just shook my head, put it down and walked away.

Later, as she's trying on shoes (for her "mother"), I say to her: "you know...I bet I could make a sole that was strapless, that had a gel of some kind that would stick to the bottom of your feet. I bet that if I sold that with a heel, and made interchangeable "tops" that would stick to the top of your feet...I'd make a mint off women, because you'll all buy anything!"

"No we wouldn't", was the natural reply.

You would. You really would. I've seen some of the shoes being made - and sold. I saw one shoe that I commented "it's both functional and fashionable. If you're out after a party and some guy is chasing you, you can reach down, tear this little flower thingy off the shoe and hurl it like a shuriken at your attacker!"

She didn't appreciate the humor.