2007 Darwin Awards

Named in honor of Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, the Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool by removing themselves from it. Usually in a very, very stupid manner.

Case in point:
December 9, 2007, Indiana. Russell, 19, had a grudge against a semi truck abandoned on a rural property. And Russell was not the silent, brooding type. He was a man of action. He built a gunpowder and propane tank bomb, attached a timer, planted it in the moldering truck, and retreated to a distant vantage point to wait for the fireworks.

And waited.

And waited, until he could wait no more. No boom? This was not right. Why was nothing happening? Russell approached the stubborn truck--just in time for an up-close-and-personal look at a cloud of rapidly expanding incandescent gas.

So long, Russell. It's been a blast.



22 November 2007, New York. Joe, 20, was drunkenly driving through Wayne County farmland in upstate New York. With the utmost of inebriated care, he steered his car directly into a ditch and knocked over a power line. Oops! How could he rescue his car from the ditch without getting a DUI?

Eureka! He'd steal a nearby farm vehicle, and winch the car out himself. So he aproached the nearest farmhouse, managed to start a tractor, and motored over to the scene of the accident. Then with the utmost of inebriated care, he then proceeded to drive the tractor - several tons of conductive metal - directly over the downed, exposed power line.

*zzzzzzzzzzzzzt!*

Goodbye Joe. Hello Darwin Award.

June 24, 2007, Colorado. After smoking marijuana and liquoring themselves up at a popular party spot in Routt National Forest, a group of teens decided that it would be fun to leap and cavort on an oil tank.

The energetic gyrations of the dancers caused fumes to leak from the relief valve, and "there were several ignitions sources," according to the sheriff. People were smoking, and there was a bonfire nearby. One of these ignition source sparked a "flashdance" and the crude oil storage tank exploded, hurling two men 150 yards to their deaths.

Do you think they were dancing to "Stairway to Heaven"?

January 10, 2007, East Germany. A 63-year-old man's extraordinary effort to eradicate moles from his property resulted in a victory for the moles. The man pounded several metal rods into the ground and connected them - not to household current, which would have been bad enough - but to a high-voltage power line, intending to render the subterranean realm uninhabitable.

Coincidentally, the maneuver rendering the surface of the ground uninhabitable as well, electrifying the very ground on which he stood. He was found dead some time later, at his holiday property on the Baltic Sea. Police had to trip the main circuit breaker before venturing onto the property.

Rumor has it they figured out the time of death by looking at his electric bill later.

September 12, 2007, Florida. A woman wins two concert tickets from a local radio station and invites her friend to join her.

Fast forward to the night of the concert; it's 8:30pm and pouring rain. The show is delayed. Deciding to leave the concert venue, they purposely pass multiple free shuttle buses that run directly to the parking lot. Instead, they opt for a shortcut across a 7-lane Interstate.

The two women run a hundred yards through wet grass and torrential downpour, and jump a six-foot fence that borders the road.

Ahead of them now are: 3 lanes of freeway traffic, a 100ft median, and another 4 lanes of traffic. Beyond that is another six-foot fence, the maze of an 'under construction' garage, and a long hike around a casino.

All in all, the 'shortcut' to their vehicle covers a distance of half a mile through dangerous terrain. In the rain.

Go back and take the free shuttle bus, or mad dash across 7 lanes of traffic?

The first vehicle struck the women at approximately 8:30 pm. Oddly, this was in the VERY FIRST lane of traffic, on a straightaway where one can see headlights for miles in either direction. The impact hurled the women farther into traffic, and each was struck by a second car. They did not survive the collisions.

Should have saved the slam dancing for the concert, ladies. Here's your award.

These next two HAD to be grouped together, for reasons that will become obvious:

July 28, 2007, Czech Republic. A pack of thieves attempted to steal scrap metal from an abandoned factory in Kladno. Unfortunately for them, they selected the steel girders that supported the factory roof. When the roof supports were dismantled, the roof fell, fatally crushing two thieves and injuring three others.

June 21, 2007, Philippines. Three entrepreneurs planned to profit from stolen scrap metal. They entered a former US military complex and approached the prize: an abandoned water tank. Bedazzled by the potential upside, the three threw logic to the wind, and began to cut the metal legs out from under the tank. Guess where it fell? Straight onto the thieves. Their flattened bodies have not yet been identified.

Great minds think alike, huh? Personally I think they were playing a giant international game of Jenga. You both win; here're your prizes.

April 4, 2007, Germany.Near midnight, a 49-year-old man attempted to impress his wife with his unbelievable strength. He climbed over the balcony of their 7th floor flat, clung to the outside of the parapet, and began a set of pull-ups. After a few pull-ups, which were undoubtedly impressive to his wife, his sedentary lifestyle began to take its toll. His muscles lost strength, and he was unable to lift himself back onto the balcony. He eventually fell seven stories (eight if you include the ground floor) and impaled himself on a thornbush.

Get the point?

And to finish off the list in style:

June 20, 2007, South Carolina. A passing cabbie found a 21 year-old couple naked and injured in the road an hour before sunrise. The two people died at the nearest hospital without regaining consciousness. Authorities were at a loss to explain what had happened. There were no witnesses, no trace of clothing, and no wrecked cars or motorcycles.

Investigators eventually found a clue high on the roof of a nearby building: two sets of neatly folded clothes.

Apparently the couple decided to climb up on the roof of the building - the pyramid shaped building - to have sex, slid off (I'd make a lubrication joke here, but it's way too obvious) and plummeted to their deaths.

Not exactly practicing safe sex, were they?