Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Spandex Not Required

It's mid-August folks, which means...

Only 73 more days until Halloween!! Whoo-hoo!

Yes, you heard me. Halloween. You got a problem with that?! Listen, if KMart, Walmart and every other goddamn Mart in this country can start putting up Xmas decorations in October, then I can damn well push my calendar up two months as well and start talking about Halloween in August. So fuck off, buzzkiller.

Anyway. As I sit here gleefully contemplating the upcoming holiday, I can't help but think back to holidays - and costumes - past. One year I was particularly brave and yes, Virginia, I did go with the spandex body suit. I at least had the decency to wear a black one, and I was in enough shape that it didn't look bad on me.

However. I am no longer in the shape I once was, and there is just no way in hell I'll be caught dead in a spandex bodysuit this year.

Just as importantly...neither should a bunch of you.

I've decided that this year will be the Year of the Superhero, in terms of costumes; maybe Year of the Comic Book might be better, as I'm sure the land will be filled with Batmen, Nurse-Jokers, Suit-Jokers, Two-Faces, Iron Men, Iron Mongers, War Machines...

But please. Don't go with the spandex unless you've got the figure to pull it off! Don't, for the love of god, be this guy:

As a public service, the following is a No Spandex Required list of comic book figures that will allow even the pillsbury-doughiest of us to walk proudly down the streets of Greenwich Village:

The Thing
The original wrestler known as the "rock". He's big, he's orange, he's covered in stone. Fat guys rejoice, this is styrofoam and spray paint project that might take you all of a couple of hours work.

The Hulk
Get green paint. Bathe in it. Be fat. Welcome to the Hulk costume.

Iron Man
Squeeze into tin can. Paint red and gold. Include flashlight, pretend it's a repulsor ray.

The Question
Brown trenchcoat, white shirt with tie, fedora, and tan pantyhose to pull over your face. Of course the real question everyone will be asking is...who the hell are you supposed to be?

Rorschach
From the upcoming Watchmen movie. Take Question costume above, substitute white pantyhose for tan, and splatter with ink blots. Outcome will be the same, no one will know who the fuck you are anyway. Nerd.

Robocop
Knock knock. Who's there? The 80s, they'd like you to forget they existed, thanks. Seriously folks, if you show up in a Robocop costume you're begging to be hit in the back of the head with a pipe. What, you couldn't afford an Iron Man costume?

Gambit
A card-carrying member of the Trenchcoat Brigade. Ha. Ha. Paint a big stick grey, carry a deck of cards. Fling them at people and yell "Boom!" a lot. Should win prize for Most Annoying Costume, Ever

Bizarro
Okay, so technically A) he's a villain, and B) he DOES wear spandex. But this is supposed to be a backwards universe, so add some pasty white makeup and be proud of your out-of-shape body, you Bizarro-stud you!

Ghost Rider
Leather jacket, spikes, and carry a chain. Get a skull mask, set on fire. Guaranteed to spook the kiddies, and best of all with all that burning rubber (...okay and hair, and flesh) they won't be looking to see what kind of shape you're in.

So you see? You do have choices. And even if your beer belly is large enough to hide a truckload of kegs inside, just imagine: this could be you in 2+ months:

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It rocks knowing I'm not the only one thinking of Hallow's Eve wayyy before I should be. Actually, I start on November 1st, because, let's face it, who wants to deal with those morning after blues...? =)

Iron Man didn't look so bad, but CURSE YOU for posting that guy in the blue! Those 'nads have gone where no man's have before, and that's not super at all! CRAP! And I was all set for blueberry pancakes this morning..