I've Got A Segway And I'm Not Afraid To Use It

JACKSON, Mich. - It wasn't exactly a high-speed pursuit. A police officer riding a Segway arrested an 18-year-old Jackson woman early Tuesday morning for drunken driving.

The Jackson Citizen Patriot reported the woman's car was going at least 40 miles per hour when it was spotted by an officer riding the police department's new battery-powered upright transporter around 4 a.m.

The Segway tops out around 12 1/2 miles an hour, so the officer was only able to catch up to the woman after she stopped her car. He conducted field sobriety tests and made the arrest.

But a Segway can't fit two, so he called for a patrol car to take her to jail.

I gotta ask...

What the fuck was the officer thinking? The woman's car was doing 40.

His Segway on a good day does 12.

What in the NAME OF GOD possessed him to rev his handlebars, and "speed" off after her in "hot pursuit"?

Where the hell were the fools with the video cameras on this one?! God, I'd have killed to watch this film! I mean hell, if I were there I could probably have jogged alongside the officer, filming his grim determination to chase down the perp.

It's like those horror movies, where the girl is running all-out, leaping over tree roots, dodging boulders...

...and the killer is just lumbering along, di-di-di, hidey ho, gonna catch you anyway.

Seriously, am I the only one hearing cartoon music in the background reading this? I can actually visualize it! Film: close up, on the cop's face. His teeth are set, his jaw tight, you can see the angry veins popping out from beneath his bicycle helmet.

Pan back, the muscles on his forearms are bulging as he grips the handlebars tight, his body leaned juuuuuuuust slightly forward as he wills his body to move, move, move!

Pan further back, you see the streets whipping by as he speeds along...on his segway scooter.

Cut away to woman in car, people flying as she collides with them, steering wheel spinning madly.

Cut back to cop on scooter. Vroom vroom!

Cut back to car, doing 100mph, leaping a bridge span under repair.

Cut back to cop on scooter. Meep meep!

Maybe she was driving a Smart Car, that would explain it.


Th-th-th-that's all, folks!